To be sick of the perfect modern parent brigade!?

[Toofondofcake]

If I get a flaming here oh well but I hope I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I'm sick of hearing other women/parents lecturing others on parenting techniques in a properly pretentious and judgey way. It always seems to be something like "we don't discipline, putting your child in timeout is abuse". Or "my child Star only wears gender neutral clothing as I won't impose society's gender constructs on them" or "clothes don't matters my 8 year old can wear whatever she likes".

I respect other people parent in very different ways but I can't stand seeing people preaching parenting lectures at others. I just want to scream " your DAUGHTER isn't spirited She's a bully! And letting her wear her dance leotard to the park isn't progressive and changing society, it's October and it's freezing and inappropriate".

Sorry for ranting. This is my scream into a pillow place.

Hey, i don't think i've got it all 'sewn up' however, this stuff about kids insisting they want to wear leotards or wevs- lose the fucking leotard in the wash or something until you've 'won' that one.

Seriously, SN aside, you are the grown up, you are in charge. Say it, then do it.
As an aside it comes as an awful shock when the products of this negotiation style of kids get to school and the teaching staff don't have time to single your kids brilliance out/negotiate with them about everything. 30 kids, all needing to tell you they've finished/show you their work, wait for some kind of external reference to their brilliance.. not the kids faults obviously, but still.

ordinary-gentlemen.com/2012/02/20/parenting-by-class/

I think annoying perfect parents can manifest in any style of parenting. The one I met recently was all about routine and structure and was horrified at the notion of any child skipping naptime, because she books flights to ensure that the small child still gets a nap at X time and would never feed said child anything that isn't organic and made from scratch and refined sugars have never passed her 10 year old's lips.

Crunchy can be annoying too. I don't quite get if it's the crunchy you hate or the smug?

hoddtastic the links you are posting do not provide evidence for the claims you are making. You are making a tenuous link between the two.

Both pieces acknowledge that there are pros and cons to both 'middle class' and 'working class' styles of parenting. Neither provide conclusive evidence that 'being in charge', 'following through' etc etc have any specific impacts on children's outcomes. That seems to be what YOU believe and practice, which is fine. But that doesn't mean it is necessarily the right way nor that it would work for everyone.

katie Hopkins on speed 😄

MrsDeVere may I suggest you never get a horse?! Judgements left right and centre in the horse world........

Here he is mrsdevere

Almost house trained after only three weeks. He wasn't "ethically sourced" by MN Standards but I did go through the KC website and adhered to the see with Mum and make sure he's healthy rule of thumb. He's a lovely boy 😊

Oh Nciki your puppy is so cute ☺

MrsDvere I have had disapproving comments IRL about slings and breastfeeding - usually from total strangers though. And I get CONSTANT looks if disapproval and Tut's about dd2s inability to feel the cold.

I have an ethically sourced dog he is a complete pain in the arse

I'm a teacher and I find it very frustrating when certain types of parenting styles mean kids think they can call the shots. When you get 'my dad says i dont have to do it if i dont want to' it makes education a battle. The homework was to prepare for your practical exam, 'I didn't want to', pupil fails, parents kick off that the exam is unfair/badly planned/their kids didn't know it would mean they failed etc. I had a pupil who was cautioned by the police for breaking into a building site with his friends to record themselves doing parcour (unsure of the spelling but it's basically an extreme sport that involves running and jumping off stuff). His mum was very much of the opinion that he can do as he wants and should be able to make the decision about what is and isn't a good idea by himself. The next day he decided the school roof would be a good place to practice his moves. He fell, broke his arm and mum blammed the school for being 'unsafe'. He was fed the lie that he was responsible for his own decisions, but then when his decision results in him getting hurt he is absolved of all responsibility. The truth is, none of us get to do as we please in the world of work and society. Refusing to impose any rules on your kids isn't healthy. My dd is 5, she can choose what clothes to wear. I ask for her agreement on clothes that I buy (unless I pick something up that is a surprise or she's not there) but, when she comes downstairs wearing a tutu and flip-flops she gets told that it is October and she needs to wear something sensible and then she gets changed. She was asked to write three sentences about a picture for school. She announced she was only writing two because 'I only want to write two things about this picture'. I got her to write a third. The lesson was that she fulfilled the task set - she was asked for three, that was the instruction. What she wants to do or not do isn't the issue. At 5 she's learning to learn, follow instructions and develop the ability to question why she is being asked to do something. That is far more important than just doing what she wants. I'm a gentle parent, but I am her parent.

Cute dog. What breed is he?

it's based on a study (which I am familiar with obv) and is useful to explain what is meant by middle class parenting/ working class parenting and the researcher is very neutral and doesn't say which is 'best or worse' in her opinon-She merely explains the phenomena (in this case on how the way you are parented impacts upon your outcomes) and i've borrowed the terms to illustrate the use of middle class parenting which you picked me up on initially.

I am off to do some exceptionally middle class parenting now (girls football tournament and a shakespearean drama workshop for my son...)

I genuinely don't really understand why some people are keen to take offence at stuff? If you recognise yourself from threads like this one and think you might be someone that everyone dreads being around because of the way you are rearing your kids then maybe focus on that a bit.

I don't know anyone like this. It's more of a self deprecating, guess today's parenting fail culture with the parents I know.

Agree with mrsdevere. Everything everyone does must be perfect nowadays. Perfect parenting, homes, looks, opinions etc etc. It's getting rather dull. Have we always been this way?

Yes I think we are in a group together Mrsdevere That's my favourite photo of him. He's not very cooperative when it comes to photo taking

My last dog came from "Loot" - remember that free paper? I didn't have a clue then though to be fair - no MN. He lived for 15 years and was pampered and adored and had the most gentle and kind personality of any dog I have ever known.

He's a Scottish Terrier 😊

There were people like this driving my mother mad in the 60s and my grandmother in the 20s and 30s. Read the later books in the Anne of Green Gables series and you will see that nothing has changed. Montgomery's description of "modern" parenting gurus is still very recognisable.

And as a pp pointed out, it is not restricted to a "lax" parenting style either: the history of printing (and indeed of pre-printing) is full of smug holier-than-thous who look down on other parents for not being as strict as they are.

Doesn't alter the fact that the vast majority of parents have better things to do with their lives than to worry about the minutiae of other parents' lives.

Today's useless piece of information: Erasmus of Rotterdam (early 16th century) wrote a dialogue about the breastfeeding v. wetnursing debate. Nothing new under the sun.

I've had a couple of comments recently about my parenting (from different people). One was about me not making DD3 eat everything on her plate and it was said that she was controlling me. I don't make any of my DC eat everything they're given. I have my reasons for not doing so and therefore it is a parenting strategy and not something that has happened because my children control me, WTF!

The other time was a parent stating that I'm more relaxed than her because I let DD3 walk home from school, which is true, I am more relaxed than her but her tone said that she cares more about her DC's safety than I do about mine. Allowing my children age appropriate freedoms is a parenting strategy and not something that has happened because I don't care as much as her about my DC

These comments really annoy me. I don't make comments about their parenting even though I disagree with stuff they do.

I've been neck deep in this for years and it drives me nuts too. I wish it was easier to make the right choices for our own children and even to work out what those are.

My son has ASD and is prone to tantrums in public if something frightens or disturbs him. Up until a couple of years ago (he's nearly five) I used to find the stares and mutterings of other parents in parks or other public places added to the stress of the moment.

One day, in a tourist centre, he lost it and was rolling about on the floor screaming. In that moment, I suddenly stopped caring about on-lookers. Just held him and realised that in those situations, it's just me and my boy. My job is solely to reassure and calm him. The judgey parents melted away. Since then, I allow unhelpful comments, glares of whispers to roll off me. I'm only interested in suggestions that might be useful.

As long as we're doing our best for our children, and they are loved, played with, fed, clean, warm and safe, we're doing enough.

cory Very, very true! (also an Anne of Green Gables fan...)

Pallasathena - very wise words. I liked your comment very much. I think sometimes modern life - media, social media, etc encourage us to think competitively rather than supportively. You see in it all areas of life but a lot in parenting.

But you're being equally judgey in slating people's 'modern' parenting. My view is just let everyone parent the way they choose. It's a learning curve for us all. I have friends who in my head I think they are too soft, and some I think are too strict. But the thoughts stay firmly in my head as every child is different, and different parenting therefore is sometimes needed. So in conclusion, there is no wrong or right way to parent your child; just a way that suits your family.

I'm loving the doggy side thread!

I think that by modern parenting I meant parenting styles that are actual "styles" or "techniques" with rules you consciously follow rather than just raising your children in a way that you feel is best and suits the dynamics of your family/children.
Gentle parenting would be like spitting on a fire in my house as my toddler is wild and boisterous and I've got to keep a close watch on her otherwise she'd run wild and dash off/ throw things/ eat things she isn't meant to/ not share etc. She's got lovely traits and is kind and funny but I'm under no illusions about her. I think I'd be doing her a disservice to let her grow up thinking she can do what she wants when she wants without consideration for others. I've had plenty of raised eyebrows and "gentle parenting" comments when I've reigned her in a bit in public or mentioned she had a good tantrum before bedtime and I didn't spend all night cuddling her to sleep (because she hates being held when she is grumpy and I have a baby to look after too). Just sick sick sick of parental judgement