To be sick of the perfect modern parent brigade!?

[Toofondofcake]

If I get a flaming here oh well but I hope I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I'm sick of hearing other women/parents lecturing others on parenting techniques in a properly pretentious and judgey way. It always seems to be something like "we don't discipline, putting your child in timeout is abuse". Or "my child Star only wears gender neutral clothing as I won't impose society's gender constructs on them" or "clothes don't matters my 8 year old can wear whatever she likes".

I respect other people parent in very different ways but I can't stand seeing people preaching parenting lectures at others. I just want to scream " your DAUGHTER isn't spirited She's a bully! And letting her wear her dance leotard to the park isn't progressive and changing society, it's October and it's freezing and inappropriate".

Sorry for ranting. This is my scream into a pillow place.

Also mother will comment on my daughters parenting skills and always uses that tone of voice that makes her sound like a head mistress doing an underling a favour. My goodness she gets on my nerves. And I have to admit that a couple of times when they have been coming to visit i have got my mother to ring me because 'she doesnt feel well'. AAAAAAAAAAAArgggg

Buttercup, glad we see eye to eye on that. My own mum and MIL think I'm a crazy hippy for cosleeping, breastfeeding and using cloth nappies but I'd never tell other parents to do what I do. If they ask about what I do I talk about it but equally in support of cots and formula. I don't really care that much how people parent their kids as long as everyone is safe but the other people I'm talking about seem to care very much how others parent and want to "convert" or make other mums feel inferior because their dd wears dresses or you said " DD don't take the toy from so and so and say sorry!"

hoddtastic this is an example of what I mean. You think it's ok to use the term 'middle class' as an insult - imagine the uproar if somebody posted that they don't like 'working class parenting'.

The OP originally wrote 'I'm sick of hearing other women/parents lecturing others on parenting techniques in a properly pretentious and judgey way'. Sounds like you fit right into that group!

Yeah I got a terrible lecture from a trio of milk mafia women bout the perils of bottle feeding. My child wasn't getting the right nutrients, she would get ill all the time, she would be obese and her intellect would be undermined. All complete bollocks as dd has proved. A few weeks later I saw one of the bitches with her kid in Macdonalds! Hypocrite.

This is not new or modern you have always got different types of parents with their new fangled ideas. My eldest is nearly 24 and back in the dark ages before facebook groups and mumsnet you just got on with it there was no "brigades" just different people trying to rub along together raising their children.

Sorry I'm just a bit defensive I think as I get lots of comments about dd2s clothing.
I spend a ridiculous amount of time defending what works for us - I bedshare with all 3 (dd1 has huge anxieties), breastfeed until 4 (dd1 I'd had a enough by then she would have gone for longer) or when they give up (at 2.5 for dd2). And use slings etc. I get a lot of disapproval.
Craft though. Fuck that! Too much mess they have crayons and stickwrs and chalk that will do

I'm in total agreement with the o/p and I too find it heartbreaking sometimes to observe the Performance Parenting brigade. Its like looking at a different era ; an era in which they, the PP brigade know best and (cue the eye-roll), everyone else is just an amateur.
You see, back in the day when my kids were small, young mums would gather together in parks and playgrounds or the park cafe if it was wet. We'd happily sit and have a natter and talk about anything and everything except...kids! I know, shocking really!
We were confident parents though, all of us. Caring, competent and confident. But we were not perfect. Good enough, but not perfect.
Yes, we shouted on occasion, no we didn't spend an hour reasoning with a two year old. And we weren't remotely judgemental either.
If a young mum was having difficulties, we'd step in and help quietly, efficiently and with shedloads of compassion because some of those young women were going through terrible times.
Maybe it was because we didn't over think parenting and the focus then was very much on having healthy and happy kids who grew up carefree. That was really important back in the day, that kids should grow up carefree and happy.
Looking back, we were regarded by society as the experts and respected hugely for our roles as mothers. That I think has changed radically and the 'experts' are now random bloggers and blaggers who confidently espouse the latest quinoa knitting recipe for increasing your child's IQ.
What saddens me is that these days, so many kids seem to be so anxious, not as carefree as they used to be, not as full of fun and happiness. Maybe its the parenting, maybe its nursery and primary education, maybe its just the way things have evolved over the past thirty years.
I think its much, much harder for parents these days. The expectations placed upon them are unprecedented. As are society's expectations to be seen to perform perfectly.

I had something similar in the supermarket a few months ago.

Child of nearly 4 was running riot while poor Daddy wrung his hands and pleaded to her better nature.

Then she caught sight of me and my raised eyebrows and miraculously sobered up, gave me a big smile and held Daddy's hand like an angel.

That's how I know she was nearly 4: I've minded her since she was a baby

In my experience people who don't parent in mainstream ways often have to defend their choices as other parents take their choices as an attack on them. Mothers who breastfeed beyond 6-12 months are always been asked when they intend to wean or being told they better do it soon. Parents who co-sleep are often told they should put the child in their own room. In Ireland, where 92% of primary schools and over 99% of secondary schools are run by religious bodies, non-religious parents who make huge efforts to send their children to the handful of multi-denominational schools or who opt their children out of religious instruction are routinely criticised for doing so. Not as much by religious families but by other non-religious families who don't want to have a school commute and are willing to go through the motions of religious rights of passage to fit in. But if any of the parents try to defend themselves when criticised they get pigeon holed as smug or hiding their insecurities. If they try to socialise with other families with similar ways of life, they get called a brigade.

Maybe you should just find a way to be happy with your own parenting and not feel threatened by people who do things differently.

I know what you're getting at, but I don't see a problem with letting older children chose what they wear. I have an eight year old, if she insisted on wearing a leotard to the park despite my pointing out she'd get cold, then she got cold while we were there I'd consider that a life lesson in choosing wether appropriate clothing.

buttercup, i am as middle class as they come- I was using the term sociologically. If you read the link I attached it talks about working class parenting in a non-judgmental way. You can try to muster up an indignant class war though if you like. :)

But careful. A few "proper x" vs whatever someone else said comments creeping in here. Intractable smugness is indeed rife.

Reminds me of Harry Enfield's 'only me' character who would say 'you shouldn't do it like that, you should do it like this!'.

Hear hear hoddtastic

I don't understand why these parents should feel smug - for the most part they are setting themselves up for a load of trouble in the future.

Phew. Nothing goes on Facebook.
Wherof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent
Not such a massive twat after all.

and not feel threatened by people who do things differently

very true, as long as I don't have to suffer from the different parenting. When the kids are allowed to have tantrums and run riots in a restaurant whilst I keep mine still, then I do judge the parents. Giving me a lecture when I punish my toddler is not on either.

I know what you mean OP and I do think it's to do with a lack of conviction.
It happens in other arenas too like like clean eaters, vegans, Buddhists, home schoolers etc.
If you're happy and confident in your choices you're less likely to be preachy.
E.g. I don't buy tabloid magazines because I think they're derogatory towards women but not one person I know, knows I've made this choice. I'm happy with it for myself. I think it's the same with all these things.
Parenting is one part of s child's influences but the rest of the world and the experiences that child has will also be shaking them so to that extent I think this whole hyper parenting industry and cult I'd just an illusion of control that really isn't there.

hoddtastic not after a class war at all. I just don't think it's fair to cast judgement on the way people do things when they are clearly just trying their best. Maybe your way is better, who knows. But as I pointed out, the OP was originally complaining about people who lecture others in a judgemental way, and that seemed to be what you were doing.

For me it's the constant smuggery (yes I know that's not a real word) that some parents have. That's not exclusive to the crunchier ones, but it is commonly found.
The ones who look down their noses, make cutting remarks or give lectures because you have to do things differently to how they did. I have to do it differently because I have different children to theirs. What may work with theirs hasn't with mine.
Lucky you if you have a child with a naturally gentle temperament. Just don't kid me that little Edmund is a perfect angel due to your gentle parenting when he's quite obviously behaving badly.
I don't think putting a child having a stinker of a tantrum into a cot is cruel, not if the alternative is a high risk of them hurting themselves. I had to deal with a lot of that from my youngest, he'd have hideous meltdowns after waking from his nap. Solid screaming for usually about an hour.
Nothing worked, believe me I tried. He wouldn't let me touch him, certainly no cuddles! Nothing would distract him, not even TV until he'd started to wind down. No toys, no treats, nothing worked. It was hell.
I got lectures by the dozen, but it was all stuff I'd tried and it hadn't worked. I got used to spending an hour each day sat the opposite side of the living room from him, trying to stay calm, whilst my toddler screamed. All I did was remove things that he could hurt himself on.
None of the people giving me their smug little lectures had ever experienced anything like it. In the end it stopped after about a year, as suddenly as it started. I did not appreciate the lectures.
Witt I enjoy baking with my children too. I have been judged for it. Apparently I have too much time on my hands!

Clothes. Ha! DS1 spent last winter in t-shirts. No jumpers. No coats. I was lucky if they were long-sleeved. I bought a dozen coats, I carried them everywhere, I tried games, pleas, threats, rewards. Nothing worked. If I could get him in one it just came off again. He was icy cold.

He also never got ill.

I have to agree I don't think this is a particularly "modern" phenomenon, unless by "modern" you mean "post 1950s" - I remember 30 odd years ago when I was at my Saturday job in a shop, some woman coming in with her ~4yo son, who was a "spirited" type. He kept picking expensive stuff up, whizzing it around, threw one thing etc. and all she said the whole time was "Oh do stop it darling, you know mummy doesn't like it when you do that, darling" in a very bored monotone. He, of course, ignored her thoroughly - I went out to where he was and took some costly item off him, put it back and said "Don't touch!" he looked amazed and scuttled off to his parent.
Luckily they left shortly after.

I obviously bake with my kids and do colouring and craft but I've never put it on Facebook or really talk about it, except in passing: it's just what you do with small kids, isn't it? Also love a good Ninja Warrior marathon with pizza "down the table"... but I am well aware I could project myself to be any "type" of parent. Isn't that human nature, though? To highlight the things which make you fit in with a certain group? This "brigade" have something in common and big it up to strengthen their bonds with each other.

I reckon some parents are a little insecure and need validation - which is fine, I'm lucky to have good friends and a supportive family to back me up. Not every one does. I suppose any kind of very overt, showy-offy ehaviour is irritating, just screen it out!