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AIBU?

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Original poster

My daughter slapped a work colleague on the shop floor!

314 replies

plastique · 28/10/2016 20:50

My daughter is distraught, she slapped a colleague at work whilst having playful banter (though they did cross the line), but it was a bit hard, left a mark for 10 mins and colleague is not happy...what should she do??

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 28/10/2016 23:31

Sorry but I have never slapped a 'good friend'

Unless you know what was said you can't say 'he deserved it'.

She hit him with some force.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/10/2016 23:31

thisisafakename

Still not putting in the full quote.

I'm not pretending anything, I stand by my point that all violence is wrong.

Eevee77 · 28/10/2016 23:31

In life you will always come across people who "cross the line" but it doesn't mean you hit them. How on earth will she get through life if she thinks that acceptable and I'd be ashamed of myself and my parenting if it was my child doing the slapping.

You said they both have banter. Not just one sided. If he said something that made her unhappy then she should have said so. All I see here is your DD playing the victim after she has assaulted someone.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/10/2016 23:33

It is completely impossible to comment without knowing more. Which you either don't know or don't want to say. Possibly;

he has been pushing and shoving her violently, making harassing and sexual comments and has defamed her and another colleague,

or

he has been nudging her and she him, joking in a friendly fashion and she and he have been mutually fine with 'banter' until he said something he thought would be fine.

Either way assaulting him was a terrible idea. But in the first example, he's as much if not more in the wrong.

thisisafakename · 28/10/2016 23:37

Still not putting in the full quote

What full quote? I am not a mindreader. You're welcome to cite whatever you are referring to yourself. This is from the Refuge website: "2 women are killed every week in England and Wales by a current or former partner (Office of National Statistics, 2015) – 1 woman killed every 3 days". How is that different from what I said?

No, but by saying all violence is wrong and pretending that everyone is on a level playing field, you ignore the power dynamics within domestic abuse and the effects that it produces. It is like saying that we should treat everyone equally but conveniently ignoring the fact that everyone does not start from an equal position.

kali110 · 28/10/2016 23:40

MrsTerryPratchett yes maybe, however none of op's posts have indicated that they all say they're good friends.
I've had banter with workmates, def more at my one place so could understand the jokey pushing and shoving.
However hitting someone just because they've said something that you deem unacceptable is just wrong. (And it must have been hard too leave a mark that long and completely unacceptable to struck someone around the face).
Think it's vile to advise taking the piss out the guy if he says something and also that as he pushed her he must have deserved to be slapped in the face. Shock

AbernathysFringe · 28/10/2016 23:40

'banter'. grow the fuck up at work.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/10/2016 23:44

"On average two women are killed by their partner or ex-partner every week in England and Wales"

is the actual quote.

As for DA and DV you are the one that brought it up, I said that making men feel ashamed of what had happened (what another poster said) was why men didn't report being assaulted. No mention of DV from me. That is a leap that you made.

bumsexatthebingo · 28/10/2016 23:45

No I think it's the (presumably sexual though the op hasn't specified) remark that he made about her dd and another colleague which has made the op think he deserved it. I doubt he will complain officially as he will have to report what he said.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/10/2016 23:45

however none of op's posts have indicated that they all say they're good friends.

Totally. But when I was younger there were friends who behaved in a way I wouldn't countenance now. Shoving each other, hiding in cupboards and leaping out, making really off-colour sexual remarks, all kinds of idiocy. If I had slapped one of them it would have been part of a pattern and less unacceptable.

I once round-house kicked one of my friends. He had repeatedly told me that girls couldn't kick and asked me to to kick him to prove it. I did, on his arse. Not bright but part of a pattern which was consistent.

Queenofwands · 28/10/2016 23:58

A few options here....

  1. flirting play fighting and he has made a drama to bring to a head...conclusion will be flirting concluded one way or the other. Job safe either way.

  2. She is bullying him and behaved badly. Job not safe and the only way she will get out of it is through muddying the waters and deflection.

  3. He and/or other colleagues are bullying her .....worst job scenario. She needs to get advice ASAP over weekend or will walk into a wall of silence and then be asked to go to the office.

WHATEVER she does tell her not to text or Facebook pm anyone as that can be used as in writing.

thisisafakename · 28/10/2016 23:58

"On average two women are killed by their partner or ex-partner every week in England and Wales" is the actual quote

Sorry, but the quote on my last post was lifted directly from the Refuge website- would send a screenshot but I am not on my phone at the moment but please feel free to check- have put link below. In any event, how is what I said any different from what you have posted above??

Maybe we will have to agree to disagree about the gendered nature of violence.

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/what-is-domestic-violence/domestic-violence-the-facts/

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/10/2016 00:02

thisisafakename

the word average makes the difference.

Maybe we will have to agree to disagree about the gendered nature of violence.

I suspect that we will have to disagree, because you are the one talking about domestic violence.
But yes, 1 in 3 women, 1 in 6 men, I am know the stats, but I will always state that any form of violence is wrong.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/10/2016 00:03

Oh and my quote comes from womensaid

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/how-common-is-domestic-abuse/
Key statistics

pictish · 29/10/2016 00:07

Innocent friendly banter...but some people think he had it coming.
Which is it?

If he has ignored the apologetic message, things were not friendly between them. Someone either meant it...or thought it was meant.

Lessthanaballpark · 29/10/2016 00:12

Oh FGS it's impossible to make a judgment without knowing what he said first

thisisafakename · 29/10/2016 00:16

the word average makes the difference

Huh? What possible difference does that make? I care about the total annual figure of women murdered, not whether they were carried out at perfectly regular intervals. It is still just over 100 per year murdered. I am not overstating by saying 2 per week because that is what the figures say. Even though one week there may be zero and the next there may be 4.

I suspect the refuge and women's aid quote come from the same source and are just worded slightly differently.

HappenedForAReisling · 29/10/2016 00:17

He said something unacceptable and she tried to respond with a playful slap.

If what he said was that bad, I'm not sure she was being "playful" in return.

I'm not sure I'd advise her to resign but I would advise her to be prepared to be in the shit at work.

itunscrewstheotherway · 29/10/2016 00:25

littlepeas

I am absolutely certain that if, in the future, one of my sons received a slap around the face for speaking inappropriately to a woman I would say it served them right.

And what if one of your daughters spoke inappropriately to a man and he hit her in a way that left a mark for 10 minutes. Would you say the same to her?

gingerboy1912 · 29/10/2016 00:26

Hard to comment op without more details. How old is your daughter and the other employee? . What was the banter about? Why does he push and shove her at work? Did other people see this banter and slap? Is this the first time it's got out of hand?

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/10/2016 00:28

thisisafakename

The point is that it is a moving figure, in some years there were less than one hundred in others more. To state that it is two women a week is wrong, hence average.

And yes, both are from the same source, refuge has reduced the quote so that although it makes a good headline it is incorrect,

There are many other sites that use the full quote, feel free to find them.

thisisafakename · 29/10/2016 00:37

The point is that it is a moving figure, in some years there were less than one hundred in others more. To state that it is two women a week is wrong, hence average

I think you're reading too much into it. All crime statistics gathered over several years are average figures. It's not misleading to shorten or paraphrase in the way that i did because I am not overstating the numbers. I think we can all assume that it's not going to be every 3 days on the dot. Had there been a week where there were 4 murders and I said 'up to 4 per week', I would be overstating and it would be misleading. I don't need to find the other sources because the quotes contained the same information (albeit worded differently) and did not conflict with one another. Anyway, they were both quoting a secondary source so it is difficult to say that one is 'right' and the other is 'wrong'.

ADishBestEatenCold · 29/10/2016 00:44

"She shouldn't have slapped him but she did, and he deserved it..."

Wow! If he had felt one of her 'bantering' comments had "crossed the line", and slapped your DD hard enough to mark her face, would you think he shouldn't have slapped your DD, but she deserved it?

Would you, plastique?

differentnameforthis · 29/10/2016 01:03

He won't complain OP...he knows he was in the wrong and you need to tell her this. Really? He may not have been "in the right", but let's not forget that there is NO excuse for violence.

She shouldn't have slapped him but she did, and he deserved it.. WOW!! Would you be saying that if the roles were reversed!! Because I bet you bloody wouldn't be!!

NotWeavingButDarning · 29/10/2016 01:03

I think the genders of the involved parties are a bit of red herring here, really.

The fact is, you can't slap colleagues at work. You just can't. And therefore she should be sacked.

Whether or not he should be sacked/taken to tribunal/have charges laid depends on what he said and did over the course of his employment as well as during this interaction, but really has nothing to do with her actions. She shouldn't have slapped him.

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