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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weekends - Who is BU?

78 replies

Everanewbie · 28/10/2016 15:11

I'm hoping you folks could offer an opinion for me.

I work one weekend per month and weekdays and my partner works mon-fri 9-5.

I have moved for work and my partner visits at weekends and generally one weeknight on the train.

I have a very busy Nov/Dec, a hen do in November, working first weekend in Dec, a wedding that he isn't invited to in Scotland, then a wedding he is invited to again in Scotland. I am staying on in scotland for my birthday and christmas as i have an elderly auntie who is unlikely to see next christmas. He cant stay in scotland as he's used all his holiday.

So, he has just found out that the second weekend in Nov I am flying to scotland to support my mother in her AGM for her school, and he's hit the roof. He's said that he moves heaven and earth to see me at weekends, and long daily train rides after work and that he is hurt i've organised this when there is so much going on. He's angry at my mother for putting pressure on me to go to this AGM, and says he's tempted to get back in to his county sport that he gave up so we could spend time together. My mum says he's trying to control me. The distance and lack of time we get puts a strain on us, but AIBU to go to this AGM?

OP posts:
katiegg · 28/10/2016 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wysiwyg16 · 28/10/2016 15:16

You're not BU to want to support your Mum and it's just bad timing that everything is coming at once, but I can see where he's coming from if he's not seeing you for any of the weekends that you are free.

Do you make the effort to travel and see him?

hollie11 · 28/10/2016 15:22

Do you go and see him on the weekends or is he always coming to see you? If you don't go to see him and he's always making the effort to come and see you, I can understand him thinking you make the effort to go far see family in Scotland but not him. If he lives quite far away and you never make the effort to go and see him and then have made plans for every weekend of November and December I can understand why he's hit the roof tbh.

WaxingNinja · 28/10/2016 15:25

He seems to be making a lot of effort and you seem to be making very little.

I can totally see why he's annoyed.

Are you sure you actually still want to be with him?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 28/10/2016 15:25

Did he give up a sport that he played every weekend to see you? I can kind of see why he would be pissed off if he did, as far as excuses go an AGM iis pretty poor, I'd be a bit Hmm myself

OdinsLoveChild · 28/10/2016 15:27

It depends how you see your future with your partner. I wouldn't go with my mother if I was struggling to fit in seeing my partner. Relationships take a lot of work and as you have already stated you are very busy. You need to spend time together as a couple and if that means Mum going alone to her AGM then that's what should happen.

Would other attendees be taking their adult children for support? Is it normal for you to go with your Mum?

I get why he is cross and I think he just hasn't seen much of you and is possibly questioning if you have a future together.

Your Mum is also trying to control you by making out your partner can only be controlling and not concerned about you not seeing him and dismissing the difficulties that absence can cause in a relationship.

Your Mum will probably always have a relationship with you. A relationship with your partner can't happen if you never see each other.

nephrofox · 28/10/2016 15:29

I suspect there is a backstory behind your mum wanting you to attend an AGM to support her. That's not normal behaviour. AGMs are perfunctory and not usually a source of stress, or a spectator sport.

Original poster
Everanewbie · 28/10/2016 15:31

Thanks for the comments. katiegg its been about 2.5 years. We live about 60 miles apart which is 1.5 hours whether driving or on the train. I had to move for my job and the plan was for him to move with me, its just that he has not found a suitable job in my town yet. I will earn more than him in my job so we agreed to prioritise my career. He moved back in with his parents when i moved so although i do visit him occasionally, its a bit awkward with his folks being around, he agrees. I didn't really think how much was going on, but obviously work i cant do anything about, and i'd rather him come to the wedding he's not invited too (nothing sinister, +1s not invited).

OP posts:
witsender · 28/10/2016 15:32

Your mum shouldn't be interfering tbh, and it does sound like he makes more effort than you. You don't sound that fussed about ring fencing time for him, is he more into you than vice versa? He sounds to do all the travelling as well.

user1474627704 · 28/10/2016 15:32

Well how would you feel if you had given up things to spend time with him and he prioritised everything else over you?
YOU moved away, he comes to see you. He gave up his sport to do so. Now you book up all your weekends without him...its not him being controlling here, is it?

If you don't want to spend weekends with him, put him out of his misery and break up, and stop literally wasting his time.

witsender · 28/10/2016 15:33

Why do you need to go with your mum? She should be encouraging you to prioritise yourself tbh.

FeckinCrutches · 28/10/2016 15:33

I'd be annoyed with you as well. Unless there is some huge backstory about your Mother and the AGM I'd be wondering why on earth you were flying there for an hours meeting that doesn't have anything to do with you.

Original poster
Everanewbie · 28/10/2016 15:34

Nocabbageinmyeye He hasn't given it up, he still plays what i think is excessive, but he says that he plays no more than i work above a normal 9-5er. He kind of said it in retaliation to me. I did tell him about it before and he said it was fine. He's kicked off now he's realised just how much else is going on.

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 28/10/2016 15:36

I think yabu I'm afraid

Long distance is hard, when you have such limited time it's even harder to see other things eat into that time. It's hurtful to feel the other person prioritises everything else over the relationship (whether true or not in can feel like it).

An AGM is a bizarre thing to go to such lengths for, I would be pissed off if I was him tii

CotswoldStrife · 28/10/2016 15:40

YABU - is this a reverse? So you're going to spend your birthday and Christmas away from your partner too? Your partner seems to be making all the effort here, unfortunately. Why are you needed at the AGM?

Original poster
Everanewbie · 28/10/2016 15:41

witsender i'm a member of the school committee too so i should be there, at least in theory. I do not really want to participate but there are a lot of strong characters that will bully my mother, who cares so much for the school, if i don't go. Plus living away from my parents its a good chance to see her

OP posts:
myownprivateidaho · 28/10/2016 15:41

Yeah YABU. An AGM like a governors' meeting? Why does your mum need support? If she has been accused of pilfering petty cash or something and has to explain herself to the board then maybe yanbu otherwise, what the hell does she need your support for? It would be fine if this was a one off, but in the context of you seeing him very little for two months and spending quite a lot of that time with your family (justifiably) then your behaviour is quite uncaring.

Gatehouse77 · 28/10/2016 15:42

I'm sorry but bollox is that controlling!
That's someone lashing out because they feel hurt, rejected and insignificant.

Out of curiosity, why didn't you discuss another weekend being apart before you committed to your mother? On the face of it (and I know this only a snapshot and I'm trying not to project too much about the rest of your relationship) it seems that he's doing the majority of sacrifices to maintain the relationship...

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 28/10/2016 15:43

Sorry but YABU.

It is very strange to go for support at an AGM at a school. Hmm

It seems he does all the travelling every weekend.

It is coming across as you 'fit him in' when you have nothing else on.

diddl · 28/10/2016 15:47

On the face of it it doesn't sound like him who's controlling.

Will you not be seeing him for your bday or Christmas?

Original poster
Everanewbie · 28/10/2016 15:50

Gatehouse77 he gets funny when someone from home calls when he's with me, and i don't feel able to take work calls when he's around. When the boss called when we were on holiday, he threatened to answer the phone next time and tell my boss to 'f-off, you know she's on holiday'. I put up with a lot with his sport, and he often goes home on a sunday morning, or doesnt arrive until saturday evening so he can take part.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 28/10/2016 15:50

Yabu. You are in a relationship but you aren't prioritising the other person at all.

I would have thought "well, I can't go to that AGM otherwise I won't see Rodger at all for weeks"

Original poster
Everanewbie · 28/10/2016 15:51

diddl its a performing arts school that she part owns.

OP posts:
myownprivateidaho · 28/10/2016 15:52

So it's her job? Why does she need you there? I'm not getting it.

KittyAlPick · 28/10/2016 15:52

Just when are you planning on seeing him in Nov and Dec? Two weekends? One? Or not at all other than when he comes during the week?