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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Weekends - Who is BU?

78 replies

Everanewbie · 28/10/2016 15:11

I'm hoping you folks could offer an opinion for me.

I work one weekend per month and weekdays and my partner works mon-fri 9-5.

I have moved for work and my partner visits at weekends and generally one weeknight on the train.

I have a very busy Nov/Dec, a hen do in November, working first weekend in Dec, a wedding that he isn't invited to in Scotland, then a wedding he is invited to again in Scotland. I am staying on in scotland for my birthday and christmas as i have an elderly auntie who is unlikely to see next christmas. He cant stay in scotland as he's used all his holiday.

So, he has just found out that the second weekend in Nov I am flying to scotland to support my mother in her AGM for her school, and he's hit the roof. He's said that he moves heaven and earth to see me at weekends, and long daily train rides after work and that he is hurt i've organised this when there is so much going on. He's angry at my mother for putting pressure on me to go to this AGM, and says he's tempted to get back in to his county sport that he gave up so we could spend time together. My mum says he's trying to control me. The distance and lack of time we get puts a strain on us, but AIBU to go to this AGM?

OP posts:

RiverTam · 28/10/2016 16:15

Her pits? Wtf?

RiverTam · 28/10/2016 16:16

They've been together two and a half years!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 28/10/2016 16:18

They've been together two and a half years!

Yes, it is also him that seems to be doing all the travelling to continue with the relationship.

IminaPickle · 28/10/2016 16:24

Ask the old friend if he can come to the wedding. People pull out nearer the day and she might be wary of inviting people least it seems a bit B List.
The other events... you've rationalised it, but I can completely understand why he's feeling marginalised.

RiverTam · 28/10/2016 16:25

Because he's living at home with his parents, and her visiting is a bit awkward as he himself has agreed.

Original poster

Everanewbie · 28/10/2016 16:25

PigletWasPoohsFriend that's true on the whole, but that's because he's living with his parents and i work longer hours. I came to his to meet his friends for a meal, and go to his presentation recently. I want him to move with me, but he's turned down the only job offer he's had because he said it was a step backwards for him.

OP posts:

myownprivateidaho · 28/10/2016 16:27

I don't think YABU for going to the weddings, the hen do or to your family for Christmas. But you asked if you were BU in respect of the AGM, and in the context of this other stuff, I think you are, yes.

AppleAndBlackberry · 28/10/2016 16:37

I don't like the sound of him not allowing you to take calls when you're on holiday with him. Sure it might be annoying but threatening to answer and tell your boss to f-off is not on. Is he controlling in other ways? Jealous of your job/income? I don't think it's unreasonable for him to wish you were spending more of November/December with him, but I'm just wondering if he's being a bit unreasonable and controlling in how he's handling it.

purplefox · 28/10/2016 16:42

YABU and your mum is BU by suggesting he's trying to control you.

Gatehouse77 · 28/10/2016 16:50

I get mightily pissed off when DH's work call if we're on holiday. I wouldn't necessarily threaten to swear at his boss but, believe me, it's crossed my mind!

Equally, he gets pissed off when I am interrupted by my family which can happen a lot.

But there's a balance to be had and it seems that the balance is out of kilter as I understand it.

Halloweensnake · 28/10/2016 17:05

I would finish with someone who treated me as you are treating your partner,I'd feel unloved and uncared for.

Halloweensnake · 28/10/2016 17:08

Also,he didn't say no to coming with you at Christmas,he couldn't because he had no holiday left....there is a big difference there...you are clearly just not in to him.for his sake probably better to end it ..poor chap

myownprivateidaho · 28/10/2016 17:10

Hadn't read that about the work calls. Yes work calls suck but if he was being serious, and not kidding, then yes that is controlling behaviour. He needs to decide whether or not he wants to be in a relationship in someone with that kind of job, not make you feel like you can't get on and do it when he's around.

myownprivateidaho · 28/10/2016 17:11

Hate to say it but I know a lot of couples where the woman is a high flier and the guy is a lower achiever which have failed because the guy has grown resentful of the woman's success.

Cromwell1536 · 28/10/2016 17:40

Hmmm,...if the situation were reversed, and the OP was saying that her partner was making no time to see her in their LDR, but prioritising stag do/weddings/AGM/opting to spend Christmas and birthdays with family rather than her, we might be inviting her to read between the lines and move on, sista. But this being Mumsnet, the spectre of a jealous, resentful, controlling man is never far away. Seems to me, OP, that your chap feels the cold winds of your indifference blowing, and isn't handling it very well. I've been in LDRs before, and I know that I always prioritised time with the partner I really loved and wanted to be with over everything else - weddings, parties, work, other friends and family - because you have to make the extra effort in a relationship where you aren't rolling cheerfully home to each other every night. I'm married to that man now, and have his lovely kids. Those relationships where I didn't make that effort -
well, those broke up, really bitterly as well, because I wasn't HONEST about how I really felt and let things drift, carelessly. I suspect you need to move on, (I don't think either of you are very old, are you? lots of time and plenty more fish in the sea, etc) and set yourselves free of a relationship that isn't making either of you very happy. Good luck

Flisspaps · 28/10/2016 17:49

YABU

haveacupoftea · 28/10/2016 17:50

YABVU

And i also agree you dont sound that into him and should set him free

rollinghedgehog · 28/10/2016 17:52

Sorry if I missed it is there a reason why he can't go with you for the AGM weekend?

carefreeeee · 28/10/2016 17:57

decline the hen do they are always shite anyway

HereIAm20 · 28/10/2016 18:05

Why is the AGM at a weekend? Still don't understand why your mother needs support at a meeting relating to a business she owns!

fairmac · 28/10/2016 18:06

Why do you have you wait till Christmas to see your auntie? if she's that ill and means so much to you then why wait?

Cromwell1536 · 28/10/2016 18:08

At the risk of sounding malicious, fairmac makes an excellent point: why not skip the hen party/wedding to which BF is not invited/AGM in order to visit sick auntie? She might not make it to Christmas...

SheDoneAlreadyDoneHadHerses · 29/10/2016 10:55

So, you've got 9 weekends in Nov/Dec.

1 for the AGM, 2 for weddings, 2 for work, 1 for Christmas with auntie, 1 for hen do.

That leaves 2 weekends to see your DP. I would suggest you make the effort and visit him - in a hotel together if need be.

TheNaze73 · 29/10/2016 10:58

There seems to be a huge imbalance in the relationship. I think a lot of people would have walked by now if they were getting so little back from you

Livelovebehappy · 29/10/2016 11:03

As long as it works both ways, and if there comes a time when his weekends are busy and he doesn't get time to see you, that you don't kick off. Sometimes in these situations it can be a case of 'do as I say, not as I do', which would be unfair. Sometimes compromises and sacrifices have to be made on both sides to make a relationship work. It's just about mutual respect and consideration.

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