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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weekends - Who is BU?

78 replies

Everanewbie · 28/10/2016 15:11

I'm hoping you folks could offer an opinion for me.

I work one weekend per month and weekdays and my partner works mon-fri 9-5.

I have moved for work and my partner visits at weekends and generally one weeknight on the train.

I have a very busy Nov/Dec, a hen do in November, working first weekend in Dec, a wedding that he isn't invited to in Scotland, then a wedding he is invited to again in Scotland. I am staying on in scotland for my birthday and christmas as i have an elderly auntie who is unlikely to see next christmas. He cant stay in scotland as he's used all his holiday.

So, he has just found out that the second weekend in Nov I am flying to scotland to support my mother in her AGM for her school, and he's hit the roof. He's said that he moves heaven and earth to see me at weekends, and long daily train rides after work and that he is hurt i've organised this when there is so much going on. He's angry at my mother for putting pressure on me to go to this AGM, and says he's tempted to get back in to his county sport that he gave up so we could spend time together. My mum says he's trying to control me. The distance and lack of time we get puts a strain on us, but AIBU to go to this AGM?

OP posts:
emsyj · 28/10/2016 15:53

I would ditch the wedding that he isn't invited to - if you've been together 2.5 years and were living together until you moved for work, he is a greater priority than a friend who presumably doesn't know him at all? Fine if you're together all week and you want to go at the weekend, but when you are busy every other weekend for 2 months I think I would decline that invite.

FeckinCrutches · 28/10/2016 15:53

Why on earth are you in a school committee when you live hundreds of miles away? Did your Mother ask you to go because she can't cope?

chipsandpeas · 28/10/2016 15:54

But if I hardly saw my partner and when I did they were constantly on the phone as well I'd be pissed off as well

If you only really have weekends together and not even getting them as you are too busy doing other stuff maybe you need to rethink it

RatherBeRiding · 28/10/2016 15:54

He's not BU but you really are. That's a lot of travelling he's doing and I get that it's pretty much all down to circumstances (your job, he can't find a suitable job, he lives with his parents yada yada yada) but the amount of weekend time you are spending in Scotland in the coming weeks without him is pretty excessive for two people who want to make a relationship work.

As for the AGM business - well if it wasn't for the hen do, wedding no. 1, wedding no. 2, your birthday and Christmas then it would be no big deal but it does rather sound like the straw that broke the camel's back.

TBH if my partner was spending birthday and Christmas at the other end of the country without me (as a choice!) I would be questioning the worth of the relationship.

Original poster
Everanewbie · 28/10/2016 15:54

myownprivateidaho i am on the board. I don't attend the other 6 or so meetings per year due to work and my partner, but feel obliged to go to this. I've told my mum that i wont be doing it again because its caused so much trouble

OP posts:
RiverTam · 28/10/2016 15:56

It just sounds bad timing and you've got a lot on all at once. These things happen. I'm not sure that he's controlling you, but it does sound like he's throwing all his toys out of the pram.

diddl · 28/10/2016 15:57

"I've told my mum that i wont be doing it again because its caused so much trouble"

That's just the way to confirm her thinking of him as controlling.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 28/10/2016 15:58

TBH if my partner was spending birthday and Christmas at the other end of the country without me (as a choice!) I would be questioning the worth of the relationship.

I agree.

SisterMoonshine · 28/10/2016 15:59

It's maybe your mum, not him who's trying to be controlling.

RatherBeRiding · 28/10/2016 15:59

Do you need to be on the board? You say yourself you can't attend meetings - is there any point? In such a busy life I would be looking at rationalising commitments that are obviously impacting on your relationship.

Original poster
Everanewbie · 28/10/2016 16:02

PigletWasPoohsFriend he was invited to spend christmas with my family, but he said no because he used all is holiday from work, and he's already coming up the weekend before for the second wedding. Plus if i'm honest i don't think he was keen on it anyway.

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 28/10/2016 16:03

You're just not that into him. You probably don't realise it yourself, but if you genuinely loved him you would move heaven and earth to spend Christmas together and would not think twice about prioritising him over your Mum's work issues.

Be kind and finish with him so he can be with someone who values her time with him.

myownprivateidaho · 28/10/2016 16:03

Yeah, I think that you probably shouldn't be on the board if you can't attend the meetings. But if you are needed at this one for board reasons and not mum reasons you should probably uphold your obligations and go.

RiverTam · 28/10/2016 16:03

Blimey, DH and I didn't spend Christmases together until we lived together, which was after 3 years dating. I liked going to my mum's, doing what we've always done, and meeting back up with him afterwards.

myownprivateidaho · 28/10/2016 16:05

Yeah my DH and I still don't do Xmas together and I love him very much. So it's not the be all and end all. But we do live together the rest of the time, and I would be very sad if I only saw him at weekends and then couldn't see him for a few weekends. I do agree that you might not be that into him.

dailymailarecunts · 28/10/2016 16:06

Was just about to write what jessie did above. If you truly loved this man you would be trying to find ways to spend more time together. I once drove 400 miles after work, spent the evening and dirty, dirty night with my ex, then did the 400 mile return journey the next morning. Was worth it!

Original poster
Everanewbie · 28/10/2016 16:06

JessieMcJessie thats not true, i've organised a lovely trip away this weekend for his birthday this weekend and i really wanted him to come with me for chritsmas. My auntie will not likely see another christmas and i'd never forgive myself if i missed this one with her.

OP posts:
Afterthestorm · 28/10/2016 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wafflyversatile · 28/10/2016 16:08

Well I totally understand him feeling put out having just realised this is another weekend you won't be available. Maybe he will calm down later. It does seem like it's a bit of a series of unfortunate events rather than deliberate. 2 weddings in Scotland in November??

Perhaps you could communicate to him just how upset you are also that you won't be able to spend very much time together over the next month. maybe he doesn't feel you are bothered about not seeing him. Maybe you are not that bothered. Maybe you can book something in for you to travel to him and book a hotel at some point in the not too distant future.

If you're not that fussed then maybe it's time to call it a day.

UnderCoverGuvnor · 28/10/2016 16:09

It really does sound like your dp is not your priority and I can understand his frustration. It does sound as though he has to fit in around what you want. I would be pissed of with dh if he were taking work calls while we were on holiday.
Where do you see this relationship going?

Original poster
Everanewbie · 28/10/2016 16:10

i do love him though. A couple of weeks ago i got up at 4:30 to get to work for 8 so i could spend a few more hours and a night with him. I am gutted he wasn't invited to the first wedding, but its an old friend and i'd be gutted if i couldn't go. He told me to go and said he didn't want to keep me away from my friends, given how nuts my job is. I just think its unreasonable to react like he did when i did ask if he was ok with it.

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 28/10/2016 16:12

I cross posted with you saying he had been invited for Christmas. However what is notable from your posts is that at no point do you sound sad that you are unable to spend all these occasions with him, whereas clearly he wants to be with you more. It also sounds like you didn't discuss the AGM thing with him before committing to it, even if just to apologise in advance. That's an imbalance right there.

RiverTam · 28/10/2016 16:15

Do posters really have no-one else important in their life other than their DPs? The OP is going to her family for Christmas because her pits her auntie's last. She's going to a meeting to support her mum with something that's important to her.

But apparently she shouldn't be doing these things because that's not putting her boyfriend front and centre? FFS.

It actually sounds like he can't cope with having a girlfriend with a busy life and friends and family she likes to see.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 28/10/2016 16:15

You keep saying you'd be upset at, or gutted if you don't, in relation to all these extra things but not in the context of not seeing your partner.

If I was him I would feel way down your 'priority list' tbh.

FV45 · 28/10/2016 16:15

At that early stage in my relationship with my now ex I only wanted to be with him. Love blind selfishness almost.