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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU you don't have to automatically share food gifts?

265 replies

MaddyHatter · 27/10/2016 20:46

Bit of a TAAT, but i want to tackle the idea that when you're given food as a gift.. chocolate, sweets...etc that there is this expectation that you should share them.

"I can't quite get past someone being given chocolates as a present and snaffling them up to their bedroom, not to be shared with anyone else" was said on another thread as an example

Why?

I never have.. they were bought for me, why should i share them with anyone else?

Why is there this belief that food given to you as a present ought to be shared amongst the people in the house? Why does the fact that its food turn someone elses present into a fair game free for all?

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 28/10/2016 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IamWendy · 28/10/2016 15:35

Some posters are falling over themselves to declare third utter horror at the idea of not automatically handing their gift (serving self last, of course!) as if the notion of treating yourself at any point in your life is absurd.

Glad I'm not like that, I look after myself!

Deux · 28/10/2016 15:36

Crikey this thread is weird.

OP, YANBU. I would be pissed off if my DH or DCs opened and consumed my gift in my absence.

In our house, it wouldn't happen as it would be considered rude to do such a thing. Boundaries are important.

Today I gave a gift of chocolates to a friend. On seeing them she declared they were too nice to share with her DCs and she'd hide them. I don't think that's weird and is perfectly sensible.

And I've done the same myself. No way are DCs getting their hands on my Prestat chocolates. DH may be offered, at a push.

I'm not fat, don't have an eating disorder and DCs have plenty of access to chocolate where appropriate and we share plenty of other stuff.

Weird thread.

IamWendy · 28/10/2016 15:37

this one's MINE!

5moreminutes · 28/10/2016 15:42

Golden children taking things from their own fridge is not stealing.

Children whose food intake is obsessively controlled by a parent are the ones who can't self regulate when that whole cupboard at uni really is theirs, and when they really can decide to spend large amount of money filling it with chocolate (or whatever).

When I was at uni it was only the rugby team who stole food... We never had locks and food only went missing when the rugby team had been running up and down the stairs in halls as training... Mine aren't at uni yet - is there a new trend of food thieving? Could that be because today's 18 year old have not been allowed to grow up at home and are literally kids in acandy store when they finally get away from mummy's food rationing?

It could work either way to be fair - I know my own mother was incredibly controlling about food and I went nuts with the chocolate and processed carbs (buying and eating it, not stealing) in my first year at uni - for the first time in my life nobody was judging me for eating a whole piece of toast not half, or a whole chocolate bar, and I could buy it and own it openly...

Only way to a healthy attitude to food is a middle ground - too controlling and restricted is as bad as feeding too much junk imo.

Original poster

MaddyHatter · 28/10/2016 15:44

i dont mind sharing chinese food, its kind of the point to buy a load of stuff and divvy it up amongst everyone. We usually get 2 mains and then rice, chips and prawn crackers and split it all.

I don't share my indian take away though because i only like one thing so i can't have any of DH's in return.

OP posts:

scaryteacher · 28/10/2016 15:50

navy Not at all rigid. Dh and I were having dinner in a lovely place in Lisbon last week - he ordered razor clams with garlic and I ordered prawns in garlic butter. I didn't want any of his razor clams, but he wanted some of my prawns. If he wanted prawns he should have ordered them, not tried to filch mine. Same with a take away curry - we like different strengths of heat. He'll eat all his, and then go sniffing around mine, as what I order is very generous. If I'm full, fine, he can finish it, but if I'm not and want it, then I don't share it, as it's my dinner.

Felicia Well good for you abe - but if I'm bought a chocolate orange (one of my favourites) then I shouldn't have to share. Some toad nicked my chocolate orange last Christmas, and neither ds nor dh admitted to it (and it wasn't the cats). I was deeply unimpressed, especially as I have to go to the UK to get them at a reasonable price.

NavyandWhite · 28/10/2016 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5moreminutes · 28/10/2016 15:53

Who on earth has said "be nice, serve self last?"

Nothing to do with being a woman - food is shared by both sexes.

It's hiding food in bedrooms that is weird.

I think that the "stealing" of food only happens in homes where people don't instinctively tend towards seeing it as a family communal resource anyway, funnily enough...

Doesn't mean kids don't ask "is it OK if I eat x?" But that is because it might be an ingredient for a meal, or a family member might not have had one if that thing yet, or it might be too close to a meal being served to snack. They do indeed ask - they don't say "I'm hiding my share of the weekly shop in my room just so nobody else can have more than their strict 1/5"

Original poster

MaddyHatter · 28/10/2016 16:00

The weekly shop is not gifts though.

I have a fridge and cupboard full of lots of nice things i buy every week. They can help themselves (within reason/not near meal times) as much as they like.

That doesn't extend to things bought me as presents.

OP posts:

Skylander01 · 28/10/2016 16:03

I have brought up my kids to share chocolates, etc. However, we also have our favorites which everyone else knows to stay well away from!!

I was brought up abroad due to my dad's job and we were driving through Rumania when my parents stopped the car at a gypsy camp and encouraged my brother and I to offer some of our travelling sweets to the kids. One of the gypsy kids snatched the bags and ran off to hide them in the forest with a trail of other kids shouting and following! I remember being very resentful as we drove away. Mum and dad had to give the adults all their cigarettes as well!

HarleyQuinzel · 28/10/2016 16:08

I don't hide food, I wouldn't feel the need to, probably as I don't know anyone self-abosorbed enough to expect part of my gift . It would never have occurred to me before this thread that I could be considered rude.

I've actually always thought it really strange/rude when someone opens their chocolates to share with everyone, it makes me think they don't actually want them.

If anyone wants some they are more than welcome but to expect me to give my gift away (they are all gone by the time everyone's had 1 or 2) is laughable, what's the point of even buying a gift? Why not just buy chocolates for the whole group?

BreconBeBuggered · 28/10/2016 16:18

I've actually always thought it really strange/rude when someone opens their chocolates to share with everyone, it makes me think they don't actually want them.
Yes, this!

Deux · 28/10/2016 16:19

Harley, I hear you. My sentiments exactly.

I try to teach the DCs that deferment of gratification is what distinguishes humans from animals.

exLtEveDallas · 28/10/2016 16:20

DH is like that with curry Maddy - his has to be super ridiculous hot, whereas DD and I will share a tikka. I won't let him share (and he will try) because we can't share his. He gets all huffy then and it pisses me off.

YouTheCat · 28/10/2016 16:21

We tend to share chocolate gifts, mainly. But it's not a free-for-all, you wait until they are offered.

I think that's where the problem in the OP's house is. If I opened something that I had been given as a gift and then went back to it the next day to find all of your chocs had been eaten, I'd be pretty pissed off. Luckily it doesn't happen.

Dp and I share everything anyway. Dd asks if she wants something out of the cupboard (she's 21). This isn't because I'm some kind of control freak though. It's because I do pretty much all of the meal planning and cooking and she asks out of politeness in case it is something required for a meal. Fruit and biscuits aren't rationed. There are always snacky type things that are available. Plus I'll get things in specifically for her.

scaryteacher · 28/10/2016 16:23

navy Same as if I wanted to try his razor clams or whatever. It's just part of being married isn't it? Might be in your marriage, but my prawns are sacrosanct in mine, and I didn't want to try his razor clams, I wanted to savour and enjoy each and every one of my prawns. You may choose to share your prawns - I don't.

I leave his single malt alone and he doesn't touch my advocaat.

5moreminutes · 28/10/2016 16:27

Deux does that makes squirrels human what about hamsters?

It's just the opposable thumb that separates us from other types of animals...

Deux · 28/10/2016 16:34

5more. Deferred or delayed gratification is not about food.

calmingthoughts · 28/10/2016 16:38

If DH or I had been given a food, we would probably share it with each other, but would wait to be offered. I grew up with a lot of siblings and we had to share everything - probably because of that I really really like to have things to myself now and then without being expected to share. DH isn't the same, so I have been known to buy myself something for when he's not around and not tell him about it! Lord knows how I'll cope with the inevitable food sharing with future children!

5moreminutes · 28/10/2016 16:43

Really it's as NotCitrus said - everyone needs to be happy.

It seemed very much in the thread that inspired this one that the family members were very unhappy and all resented one another. On the other thread the absolute venom the teen who took chocolate attracted was shocking because it was in contrast to the lack of interest in the fact that the sister whose chocolate it was had been stealing from her long term. People seemed to feel it was more of a character flaw to be tempted by chocolate than other possessions and that taking chocolate was beneath contempt, where taking make up only meant the thief should be bought some make up of her own according to one poster!

This thread is becoming so polarised it's just getting silly, but surely like most things a middle ground is normal: a big box of chocolates as described on the original thread belongs to whoever it was given to meaning they choose when and where to open it and though they don't have to share it is generally more enjoyable to share than hide behind a locked door to eat it all alone, and it is rude to sit in front of people and eat it without offering it around.

I do find hiding food in a bedroom weird - it reminds me of fucked up attitudes to food and the control of it which I experienced growing up. I appreciate that that is baggage but do observe on MN that people whose children steal food do seem to have a very controlling and rigid attitude to eating and food in general - where one person is stealing food specifically in a family there is usually an odd dynamic more generally. In many families where the attitude to food is less possessive and controlling the concept of a family member stealing food is alien.

5moreminutes · 28/10/2016 16:47

Deux then why are you talking about it here? In the context of the thread and of where in the thread your post is, I assumed you meant putting the food gift away for a later date instead of opening it and offering it around was a sign of being more evolved than the animalistic types who open the chocolate immediately?

FabFiveFreddie · 28/10/2016 16:51

It's quite simple.

Things bought as presents are generally out of be ordinary. Special. I like my family and friends to share that special experience with me. And I expect, as a courtesy, for them to extend the same kindness and regard to me.

If any of them wanted to hoard it all for themselves I would think them unkind and selfish, avaricious, mean spirited. That they didn't want to share their joy with me. Fine, but I'd know where I stood with them.

It's like a wedding: some people want to celebrate amongst themselves, just the couple quietly getting married and having a meal or drinks or holiday together. Others think that part of the point of it is to share the joy. Personally, I find the former quite unkind (when it's somebody I'm very close to - hasn't actually happened. Literally less bothered if it's just an acquaintance). I'm excluding specific reasons for b&g-only weddings, btw.

Your attitude betrays something some telling about you, I think.

IamWendy · 28/10/2016 16:54

If you can't see someone receive an edible gift without feeling some kind of right to share it, then that is a bit odd, imo.

OzzieFem · 28/10/2016 16:55

There was a mention of children over on play dates on another thread some time ago who were helping themselves to whatever was in the fridge and cupboards of the friend they were visiting without asking. Too bad if they didn't bother to read the labels and they had severe allergies, but teaching them manners and getting them to respect other peoples property is obviously a no no to some members of mumsnet.

No wonder uni students are buying lockable boxes to keep in fridges and prevent other students helping themselves to their food. I understand it's even worse when they have to group share in a flat.

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