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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU you don't have to automatically share food gifts?

265 replies

MaddyHatter · 27/10/2016 20:46

Bit of a TAAT, but i want to tackle the idea that when you're given food as a gift.. chocolate, sweets...etc that there is this expectation that you should share them.

"I can't quite get past someone being given chocolates as a present and snaffling them up to their bedroom, not to be shared with anyone else" was said on another thread as an example

Why?

I never have.. they were bought for me, why should i share them with anyone else?

Why is there this belief that food given to you as a present ought to be shared amongst the people in the house? Why does the fact that its food turn someone elses present into a fair game free for all?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaddyHatter · 28/10/2016 14:15

yes, and as i said, if you want to share, go ahead.

But plenty of people have said on here, and on other threads, they EXPECT people to share gifts.

Why?

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 28/10/2016 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MaddyHatter · 28/10/2016 14:19

yes i do mean food, and no, not mine.

DS is a restricted eater, there is food in this house which is his and his alone, because he won't eat anything else. DD knows she isn't allowed to eat it, she can eat anything else in this house, but she keeps eating his, which means when we have a snack, he has nothing because she's eaten it.

Should i allow DS to starve because food is a free for all? Or should i expect a 7yo with a disabled brother to understand, actually, there are some things in the food cupboards that she mustn't eat?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaddyHatter · 28/10/2016 14:21

Is there any particular reason you're suddenly being confrontational Knife?

Did i hit a nerve with something?

OP posts:
knifeforkandspoon · 28/10/2016 14:21

Here too.

And I think 5minutes has hit the nail on the head with the issues.

What do you say to your 7 years old when you catch him "helping himself to things that aren't his" Punishment? Over food? Way to go for a lifetime of issues around food.

And again, if you have people around you expecting and demanding you share stuff then how hard is it to realise that maybe other people don't? Or maybe that the people in your family, knowing what you are like about sweet things are having you on?

I've just spotted ds2 has helped himself to the red lindors (out of the mixed box) that I had in the cupboard. I'll just go and beat him and then have a stomping tantrum.

Except I won't, Bless him, he's 9. Kids like the red ones better than the black ones. Nobody died.

Original poster
MaddyHatter · 28/10/2016 14:23

I'll just go and beat him and then have a stomping tantrum.

WTAF? You need to get a grip love.

OP posts:
5moreminutes · 28/10/2016 14:24

Felicia no I don't think I have said the non sharers are greedy in the sense of gluttonous - I think they are probably miserable and miserly, the kind of people who scrimp and ration everything because austerity is a virtue, and who are probably like this with all creature comforts not just food - the kind who refuse to put the heating on for their family even when the kids' lips are turning blue and there are ice crystals on the inside of the window and die of pneumonia with £1000000 in the bank - that emotive enough Grin Wink

Seriously my comment about emotive language was because of the need to call family members greedy - on the other thread some posts drip with contempt for anyone who eats chocolate rather than squirreling it away. You are right I can't resist a bit if emotive language myself Grin

5moreminutes · 28/10/2016 14:29

Btw my 14:24 post is meant to by hyperbole in case that isn't clear!

Katsite · 28/10/2016 14:33

OP can you specify? If you have a guest over and they bring a box of chocolates for you then you would like to be able to open them right there and eat them without sharing them?

BreconBeBuggered · 28/10/2016 14:35

All this foaming at the mouth from both sides only goes to prove the Importance of Chocolate.

OP's title contains the key word 'automatically'. Nowhere do I get the impression she hoards all food and eats it behind a locked bedroom door while her children shiver and hunt for whatever crumbs the rats have left behind.
OP YANBU. My family isn't the same as yours but there are men in it who'd scoff a £20 box of chocolates with the same careless abandon as a handful of cheap pick and mix. If I want to eat a couple in the evening with a glass of wine, they have to be too scared to eat them without asking. Too scared to ask, preferably.

MeganChips · 28/10/2016 14:36

I kind of understand OP. I do share, but there are limits.

I grew up in a large family in a small space and nothing was sacred. Unless you wanted it scoffed by everyone else you had to hide it. I was once given a box of Turkish Delight at Christmas and had one piece. When I went back for another it had all been eaten with only the icing sugar left in the box. I was really upset, it was my favourite and only got to have it once a year!

We have rules around food gifts. It is expected you will offer around one when they are opened, after that it is up to the receiver. They are not communal. DS likes to make things last, DD hoovers everything in sight so it works best that way.

I would never dream of touching the kids Easter eggs or selection boxes either. They're not mine.

Artandco · 28/10/2016 14:36

I think the reason good is considered sharing is because it's just that, its food. You can't keep it, and it's food, just buy more if it's eaten

Maddy - if you 7 year old eats the food your 10 year old likes, why don't you just buy more of that item and less of the others? Simple.

I cannot believe people are so uptight about something edible. Its food, eat it, it's gone, you buy more.

Original poster
MaddyHatter · 28/10/2016 14:39

Kat, i probably would open those and share, its not a special occasion, and they haven't been given for a birthday/christmas/anniversary/mothers day..etc.

If i didn't, it would only be because if i have guests over, i've usually been out and bought a load of treats specifically to share with them any way.. i always feed my guests :)

OP posts:
Original poster
MaddyHatter · 28/10/2016 14:44

Art, i've tried that! She just eats her share and then starts on his. I have to draw a line somewhere, i can't keep replacing what she takes to make sure he gets his fair share.

OP posts:
NotCitrus · 28/10/2016 14:47

Surely it's about everyone being happy with what they have and food being appreciated? So if someone gives me some very expensive bars of chocolate that's about a pound a bite, I'm not going to give the kids any because they probably wouldn't like it and would be just as happy with a seashell chocolate. But I wouldn't pull out the chocolate and eat without offering them anything at all.

Same with the kids - they can keep their stuff to themselves but it's rude to pig out if your sibling doesn't have anything.

DH could have a bit if he asked, because it's interesting comparing opinions, but if he just wants something sweet and a bit chocolatey to munch, he might as well have the cheap stuff - and will.

I do sometimes keep some special chocs by my bed, because reading a book in bed with some wine and a really lovely truffle chocolate is a great luxury!

GoldenBlue · 28/10/2016 15:04

I'm with the OP here.

I find the emotive language really unpleasant on this thread. Calling people names because they do not wish to share a gift that was given to them alone is unfair. Sharing a gift should be a choice, it should not be an expectation.

As a grownup I don't get many gifts and if the assumption that any gift I receive is actually not mine but a free for all then that's pretty poor isn't it? Particularly as a gift is likely to be something out of the ordinary not something you have every day, or stashes of in the cupboard.

I wouldn't presume to share a gift someone else had received. I would find an assumption of sharing to be odd (and perhaps greedy and selfish but I wouldn't say that).

I really don't understand why allowing people to have ownership of something is a negative. I have jewelry and sometimes I may choose to allow someone to borrow it. That would be my choice. And it would be returned afterwards. No one would automatically assume they can borrow it. Why are you treating food gifts differently?

As for those suggesting children should be able to take what they want from food cupboards, are they not concerned about childhood obesity? Or preparing children for real life such as university or the office, where it would be 100% wrong to take some food that isn't theirs?

Perhaps this explains the countless issues of people taking things from communal fridges inappropriately. Their parents didn't teach them right from wrong.

Sharing is nice, it is kind, but it is optional.

IamWendy · 28/10/2016 15:04

I think it sounds a bit unhealthy that some women on here are so programmed to 'be nice, give, serve self last,' that the idea of having something of their own is 'weird'!
If men are given a bottle of whiskey, do the other adults all crowd about with glasses asking for some?

StStrattersOfMN · 28/10/2016 15:08

It's not weird at all to want to share stuff with loved ones. Nothing to do with programming, and yes we ALL share.

It's weird NOT to imo.

Original poster
MaddyHatter · 28/10/2016 15:09

I never said it was weird to want to share stuff.

I think its weird to EXPECT someone ELSE to share a gift they've been given.

OP posts:
IamWendy · 28/10/2016 15:13

It's not normal if you find the idea of having your own private treats as ,' weird beyond merit'.

If I get out my nail varnish in company, an I now obliged to paint the nails of the whole group?

When I became a mother, I didn't get the memo that I was now not really a human anymore but a service bot who has no possessions.

pourmeanotherdrink · 28/10/2016 15:19

Eating is a social activity and sharing special treats multiplies the pleasure for me. The only time in my life when I might have preferred eating a whole box of nice chocolates by myself was when I was firmly in the grips of a binge eating disorder.

You sound very angry about something quite minor, OP.

GoldenBlue · 28/10/2016 15:22

I would be angry if someone assumed they could automatically share (read scoff) something that is mine.

I am nice and I will often offer to shared, but for people to assume is horrible (and weird).

pourmeanotherdrink · 28/10/2016 15:28

I think it sounds a bit unhealthy that some women on here are so programmed to 'be nice, give, serve self last,' that the idea of having something of their own is 'weird'!
If men are given a bottle of whiskey, do the other adults all crowd about with glasses asking for some?

Nothing to do with being a woman at all. If a man receives a bottle of whiskey I absolutely would expect him to offer some to the giver / any other guests - it's just good manners, really.

scaryteacher · 28/10/2016 15:31

Artandco Quiet often Dh and I order different meals then share from our plates so we both get both meals. we often all try each other's food if eating out. My take on that is if you wanted it, you should have ordered it, leave mine alone, especially if prawns and garlic are involved.

Beautyandtheyeast · 28/10/2016 15:33

Of course it's nice to share and to offer round. But it's ok to have something you want to keep just for you as well.

I notice that women are expected to share in a way that men aren't