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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU you don't have to automatically share food gifts?

265 replies

MaddyHatter · 27/10/2016 20:46

Bit of a TAAT, but i want to tackle the idea that when you're given food as a gift.. chocolate, sweets...etc that there is this expectation that you should share them.

"I can't quite get past someone being given chocolates as a present and snaffling them up to their bedroom, not to be shared with anyone else" was said on another thread as an example

Why?

I never have.. they were bought for me, why should i share them with anyone else?

Why is there this belief that food given to you as a present ought to be shared amongst the people in the house? Why does the fact that its food turn someone elses present into a fair game free for all?

OP posts:
KateInKorea · 27/10/2016 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JosephineMaynard · 27/10/2016 21:37

YANBU.

If the recipient wants to share, great. But they shouldn't be expected or obliged to, particularly if the food gift is "special" in some way.

Original poster
MaddyHatter · 27/10/2016 21:46

how is it selfish to keep something bought FOR YOU to YOURSELF?

I think its fucking selfish to buy someone a present with the expectation you will get some of it.

I was always taught that you do not give to receive.. surely this expectation of food gifts being fair game is the height of grabby?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaddyHatter · 27/10/2016 21:50

DH bought me a bottle of Pimms this week.. "I decided to treat you"

Then proceeded to drink the whole thing himself, i didn't even get a look in.

But i guess as he bought it for me, he should expect to get to drink it, right?

OP posts:
CaptainHammer · 27/10/2016 21:52

I agree with you! I'm not good at sharing food anyway but food bought as a gift for me rarely gets offered around.

JosephineMaynard · 27/10/2016 21:52

Because selfishness like that goes right to the bone. That's what it is: 100% pure selfishness.

So it's not at all selfish to expect to share someone else's presents?

Pimmmms · 27/10/2016 22:03

An interesting point. I keep some stuff for myself, and share others, because its the 'experience' I'm getting, eg sitting down with a glass of wine and sharing some chocolate truffles. The experience is part of the gift. Someone snaffling some of my chocolates and going off and eating them on their own? No chance!!

Growing up though, my siblings and I were only given chocolates on Easter and Christmas so we all had some, no need to share. If someone ate theirs in a week while others kept theirs for months, too bad, sharing was still off the table (although being he youngest by a significant number of years most of them shared with me anyway!! Wink)

My DC with their birthday presents, I've always made it clear that birthday child has first dibs on playing/using the gift, and has the choice of keeping some things as extra special, not to be shared things, stored in their private drawer which the other child stays out of. But to not share ANYTHING from a big pile of presents? No chance!

It seems to work, both DSs have 'special toys' which they never or rarely share, and they respect each others private drawers.

KateInKorea · 27/10/2016 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EveOnline2016 · 27/10/2016 22:06

I never share chocolates, there is enough crap in the house for dh and dc to have.

Sometimes it's good to be selfish and put your self first.

KateInKorea · 27/10/2016 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MaddyHatter · 27/10/2016 22:21

slowly rancifying?

What on earth makes you think they last long enough to go rancid?

OP posts:
eddiemairswife · 27/10/2016 22:21

If I'm bought a box of chocolates of course I would offer the giver and anyone else one of them if I opened them. I'm hardly going to sit there scoffing them in front of everyone.

Original poster
MaddyHatter · 27/10/2016 22:21

or that they're being hoarded?

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 27/10/2016 22:26

I'm not sure on this; I encourage the DCs to share and I'm pretty sure they always do. None of us is very grabby with foods, but I don't think I'd force them to share something which was a gift if they really, really didn't want to. If it's a gift it belongs to them.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 27/10/2016 22:28

birthday chocolates never have to be shared here.....you may offer but it's never expected.

I've managed to raised three lovely generous, unselfish, non hoarding children to adulthood on those rules.

KateInKorea · 27/10/2016 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rolypoly · 27/10/2016 22:30

My Auntie always used to ask me to give her ideas for Christmas presents for the family as a child because my mum would fob her off with 'Oh don't put yourself out'etc. One year when asked what I would like myself I asked for a box of chocs that I did not have to share with anyone because I was so fed up with having to pass MY sweets round and seeing my favourites snaffled by elderly relatives. I made myself thouroughly ill that year but it was glorious!

BabyGanoush · 27/10/2016 22:34

How weird is it to NOT share?

Surely you share any nice stuff with family/friends?

This thread really surprises me!

Original poster
MaddyHatter · 27/10/2016 22:34

a) its my present, fuck being kind. I have 365 days of the year to be kind in a myriad of other ways.. sharing something edible given to me as a present, isn't required to be included.

b) It is treating people how i expect to be treated, because i'm not a selfish grabby cunt who expects people to share their edible presents with me.. they're not mine, i have absolutely no right to them, or to expect any of it to be given to me.

OP posts:
JustWoman · 27/10/2016 22:35

If we open sweets we offer everyone present one, but thats done all year round, gift or not. Belongings are the same, things bought for whole family can be used anytime by anyone, but gifts or items bought as great for oneself isn't used or taken or opened without asking first, we usually all have no problem with using each other's stuff, but there's nothing wrong in wanting some personal belongings not used my anyone else.

We don't take or expect each other's gifts to be shared, and if someone gave me a box if chocolates and I didn't fancy any then I'd say thank you and out them aside. It's what my family and friends do too.

My SIL though hides any treats she's given will eat in bath or bed, if she opens and offers them out, db and dc will just keep taking them until they are gone and SIL is left with none, if she asks them to slow down, or to leave some for her for another day she's called childish. If she left them out in open at home db will open and eat them all, so she hides the posh gifts she gets, I don't think she's selfish, db is for thinking he's entitled to take three quarters or all of a gift for his wife.

Original poster
MaddyHatter · 27/10/2016 22:38

Baby, i share plenty.. my tablets, my phone should a friend need to make a call, my home.. my friends and family know if they need me, i am here.. my car, i will always give lifts. My money.. i will always help a friend in need, up to and including buying clothes and food for friends who are hard up and can't afford it or making late night trips to A&E running errands and looking after their kids at a moments notice. The food in my fridge, my coffee.. i share plenty and share it willingly without a grudge.

Sharing chocolates, cake, speciality/novelty edible items given to me as a present are not included.

OP posts:
S1lentAllTheseYears · 27/10/2016 22:54

Depends on the other members of the family and their idea of 'sharing'

Offering them round = fine

Leaving them somewhere and returning to find most of them gone = not fine!

DH throwing special chocolates down his neck as if they are bog standard cheapo ones and not appreciating them = also not fine!

Also, as an adult, if someone scoffs something of mine, I do have the option of replacing it if I want. It's not so easy for a child and a box of chocs is a special treat so if a child offered me one of their birthday chocolates, I might have one but wouldn't eat many as I would want them enjoy them.

ceepeeree · 27/10/2016 22:56

"share my phone if a friend needs to make a call"... how generous 😂😂

Sniv · 27/10/2016 22:58

Personally, I don't much care for food gifts and usually share them out, but YANBU. I mean, it's certainly polite to offer chocolate around or eat your special birthday cheese together with guests, but I don't think it's odd if someone wants to put food gifts away for themselves. I wouldn't expect to get a use of other consumables given as gifts, like using someone's make up, perfume or fancy toiletries, or light their candle, or use their art/craft materials.

And if it's someone else's gift, I think it's totally beyond the pale to take any without asking, take the first of anything, or to assume you can go back for loads more after being offered a piece.

Also, I'm surprised at the number of people who have a blanket policy of completely communal possessions at home. I like to know where my stuff is and who's been using it. And as a child, had I been forced to always and without question share my special things with my careless, book-bending, sticky-fingered brother, who I once observed sneeze directly into an annual, I would have resented it fiercely.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 27/10/2016 23:01

i think all these people who steal chocolates from their children and partners have been driven to it...an obsessive need for chocolate forced upon them by being made to share something of their very own early in their sad made to share their chocolates lives.