AIBU you don't have to automatically share food gifts?

[MaddyHatter]

Bit of a TAAT, but i want to tackle the idea that when you're given food as a gift.. chocolate, sweets...etc that there is this expectation that you should share them.

"I can't quite get past someone being given chocolates as a present and snaffling them up to their bedroom, not to be shared with anyone else" was said on another thread as an example

Why?

I never have.. they were bought for me, why should i share them with anyone else?

Why is there this belief that food given to you as a present ought to be shared amongst the people in the house? Why does the fact that its food turn someone elses present into a fair game free for all?

But I do work in an office where apparently it's acceptable to ask for a chocolate/crisp/biscuit if you have them so that's been 'interesting'

Your colleagues think it's okay to just ask for a bit of your food??

The general office culture in places I've worked is, if people have a birthday / come back from holiday, they're expected to bring in edible treats, which are usually left in communal areas or on unused tables near working areas. It's considered polite to ask the bringer before diving in, but it's clearly food brought in to share, unlike a chocolate/crisp/biscuit placed on someone's desk.

Yup - drives me batshit. We buy cakes for the office for birthdays which are then put in the kitchens on each floor for people to help themselves and an email goes round. But if I'm eating biscuits, crisps etc it's quite common for someone to ask for one.

Whether people share gifts is totally up to them and I'm a bit that someone would think less of a friend who didn't open their birthday chocolates for example and share them around.

YANBU at all.

DH and DD will scoff their stuff in a short space of time, DS and I make ours last, so we each have our own stash of special stuff, eg Christmas presents and Easter stuff. I usually get a tub of chocolates at Christmas and I do share some of them, but I prefer to have two or three occasionally with a tea or coffee after the kids have gone to bed so that I can savour them. :) I would be seriously pissed off if I had to share my stuff.

I think I get what OP is getting at. There's a difference between sharing your chocs around because you WANT to, and sharing your chocs around because you feel like you HAVE to. OP never said anything about not wanting to share ever - they said they don't want to be MADE to share, they don't want to feel like they're EXPECTED to share.

Possession is nine tenths of the law, after all. Once someone gives you something, that gift then belongs to you, whether it be a gift card, a box of chocolates, or a rocket ship capable of interplanetary flight. The giver does not have the right to dictate what the recipient then does with said gift. If the recipient WANTS to share out chocs or offer rides to Mars, that's the recipient's choice. All this pressure on people to share, share, share... the shoe would be on the other foot if people were helping themselves to your things without asking, I guarantee.

It is especially unfair on children, as a PP said. If I share my chocolates and they get eaten, I can nip down to the shops and buy some more. A child doesn't have that ability, so for someone - whether it be another child or an adult - to expect that that child should give up part of their gift is pretty cruel. I've got this mental picture of an adult giving a child a box of chocolates and then sternly telling the child "it's good to share things" and scoffing the lot, which I realize is an exaggeration of the topic at hand but it's still getting me riled up.

We teach our children to share toys and such because toys and such aren't consumable objects. They will, presumably, be there later after the other child has had a turn. Food is different, I think.

I don't think anyone, child or adult, should be MADE to share a gift that has been given to them. Encouraged, perhaps, but never forced or made to feel obligated. If you model sharing behaviors, those are the behaviors you are likely to see back. If you start forcing it, you'll get resistance and resentment.

And for the record, I don't see the OP or their attitude as selfish. Everyone has things that belong to them, and everyone has a right to expect those things to continue to belong to them. To all of the people on this thread calling OP selfish because they don't think they should be EXPECTED to share a gift given specifically to them, well, I'm going to go ahead and assume none of you lock your doors and windows. Because it's good to share, right? So what right have you got to keep people from sharing your belongings?

Maddy there are deep seated social, historical, cultural reasons why food specifically is seen by many as for sharing - Google it and you get academic papers on the subject.

YANBU
If the gift giver wants them to be shared around then buy a communal box. I don't share perfumes or clothing I am gifted why would chocolates be any different?
A gift is bought for the recipient not for everyone else in the room.

I'm with you Maddyhatter. If I buy someone a nice box of expensive chocolates (my sister) I know they're her favourite so I expect not to receive any and she'll eat the lot herself. The same goes when I buy my nieces their favourite sweets at Xmas as a treat-I even tell them not to share as they're theirs and I only buy them once a year. I buy hubby his favourite chocs at xmas/birthday and never expect him to share, if I'm lucky he'll offer me 1!! The same goes for me, if I get bought marzipan fruits or chocolate at xmas/birthday it's mine and mine alone.if it's expected to be shared then it must be labelled 'family present'

YANBU
I think some people are natural sharers and some aren't. My DMil says things taste better when shared but I silently disagree!
I don't open food gifts until I'm alone or just with DH!

We share all food, chocolates etc. But then we don't have much of a sweet tooth in our house. DD has an unopened Easter egg in her room, and I noticed the other day that DS has an unopened box of chocolates from last christmas sitting in plain view on a shelf in his room.

My mother goes apeshit if I don't share any sweet food with her. She also would finish off,without question, any sweet food of mine left in a cupboard. She was even known to come into my room when I was out, if it was known there was chocolate in there. My grandparents brought them all up to share but she takes it to a whole other level. I'd be called greedy & selfish if I don't share, or if I complain that she's finished something of mine. I've been told we don't have mine or yours when it comes to food". At first it was just annoying but as she's aged and become morbidly obese I see she has a problem that she's completely unaware of.

If I choose to open a box of chocolates given to me as a present in front of family, I would offer them around. To not do so would be rude behaviour in my opinion. However, none of my family would help themselves or ask me or hint for me to open the chocolates so they could have some.

I always share but I only open sweers/chocolate when I choose and wouldn't be pressured into it. Ifor something was given to me then DH wouldn't finish it without asking first.

That being said if someone doesn't want to share then I feel that it should be consumed privately, like a different room or when alone. My MIL once gave out chocolate to everyone, disappeared and returned with a fancy box of chocolates and said she doesn't like the cheap chocolate so she's going to have some of her nice chocolate and proceeded to scoff ''her" chocolates in front of everyone sat with a tiny bit of broken up " cheap" easter egg in their hands! I thought this was really rude. No one even knew she had these chocolates and we were leaving the next day, she could of waited.

Depends on the situation. My neighbour bought me a tub of Roses chocolates as a thank you recently they were opened and shared with the family. A friend bought me a bottle of wine and some chocolate for my birthday, they were consumed one evening with the hubby as part of a nice night in. My husband bought me some specialist gingerbread he knows I love, I offered him a piece which he declined saying no that's a treat just for you, so it was eaten with a quiet brew when I had a rare 5 mins to myself without sharing it with anybody.

I don't mind sharing toiletries they become communal. If the kids have been to a party or something and have goodies they tend to give the other sibling a bit without being asked or anyone asking.

If it's a gift for that person they can choose to share or not. My children are also allowed to do this. We write people's names on stuff if it is getting put back half eaten then there can be no accidents.
All food stays in the kitchen as I don't agree with eating in bedrooms but I think learning the boundaries of communal/personal ownership of things is an important aspect of living together.

If it's a gift for you it's yours - for you to open and eat when you want, but if you open then if front of people then you should share them out and put the away again. In very early days my husband opened my box (thank you gift) of Godiva chocolates layer down rested the box on his tummy and eat loads threw the box on the floor and said too sickly!! I save things for me now

We give the kids a box each to put their chocolate in at Christmas and Easter. They do trades with each other all the time but we stay out of it. Once the main bars etc are gone it all gets chucked in one box to share so that they all get to eat their favourite things from their own gifts but we don't have one kid hoarding a random last Easter egg for months.

Me and DH share stuff between us.

It's a gift for that person I don't see why it should have to be shared. The kids have lots of stuff that is theirs. They all share most things but the person who was given whatever it is has first dibs.

It's never given us any real issues. They know that it's give and take. They share their toys with their siblings and their siblings will share back. We've always thought sharing as a give and take. If you want to play with others toys you have to share your own.

Sharing should be a choice you make because you want to be nice not a choice you are forced to make.

I am with the OP here. I don't see it as selfish, I see it as having a rare treat to have on my own & enjoy. Maybe it also depends a little on your family too. If DH knows there is chocolate in the house, and he knows where it is, it will be gone before I get a chance to have some. In the past he has even eaten the chocolate bought for baking! He is the biggest chocoholic I have ever met. So if I get given chocolate without his presence, you're damn sure I will hide it!
If it's at Christmas/Easter and opened in front of a crowd, then they'll go in the communal treat cupboard, but a handful will get rescued and hidden in my secret hiding place.
We are a family of 6, with 2 teens, for me a treat is actually not a joined experience, but a lonely, escaping the crowd and finally having some peace & quiet kind of experience.

an evolutionary anthropology paper on food sharing for Maddy

this one is interesting too, if you are really interested in why " food in particular, is viewed as being fair game for everyone to help themselves to, rather than being the sole propery of the person its given to"

"Food sharing is a human universal trait that forms the centerpiece of economic and social life in hunter-gatherer societies. Human livelihoods require sharing at all life stages: to support infancy, childhood, and adolescence, and to help reduce risk of daily food shortfalls in adulthood. Attempts to understand the evolved human life history require an examination of the conditions that led to the evolution of food sharing. We summarize key findings and recent directions, and raise unexplored questions"

"Tolerated scrounging occurs when food is transferred in order
to avoid potential physical or reputational costs from hoarding (Blurton
Jones, 1987). Donors in this model do not gain anything from recipients butare instead viewed as being manipulated by others. Reciprocal altruism occurs when giving food to others is conditional on past receipt, but whose stability requires future interactions (Kaplan & Hill, 1985; Trivers, 1971). Costly signaling refers to displays of donor quality that are difficult to fake, including the ability to ... convey
altruistic intent (Bliege Bird & Smith, 2005; Zahavi & Zahavi, 1997)."

There are loads and loads of papers on food sharing and how any why it evolved in primates and early humans and why it continues to be important in post industrial society

I don't think OP meant food in general, she meant a small posh something. I 'm sure she doesn't hold a loaf of bread tightly with both hands.

Also i agree with not forcing children to share EVERYTHING. It is a right imo to have a couple of things only for yourself. You are not a prisoner.

When people were visiting Rumanian orphanages and asked children what to bring on next visit the children always asked for smth small to be only for them, to OWN it and decide what to do with it.

The OP wondered why "As yet, no-one has actually managed to give me a decent answer as to why food in particular, is viewed as being fair game for everyone to help themselves to, rather than being the sole propery of the person its given to."

The key issue seems to be why food is different to other personal property.

That's it isn't it?

Food is different.

The reasons go back thousands of years.

I do indeed concur that if you order a chicken Rogen Josh and your DP orders a chicken Vidaloo and your best mate orders a vegie biriany to be delivered the chicken Rogan Josh is yours and yours alone even if your DP and BF think yours looks nicer, yet at the same time if you are gifted a massive box of chocolate then you do have a genuine dilemma . open it on the sofa with DP and BF right there and you are indeed a special kind of twat not to offer them one; hide it in your room and if your are part of a multi person family set up of any kind you are some kind (traditional nuclear family or variant thereof) you really are some kid of of sociopath tbh, though if you are not, and are a wholey independant solo entity you are under no obligation to share or be shared with, care or be cared about etc.

i'm not accepting that as a valid reason.

We aren't in a food shortage, it's not an exchange for benefiting the continuation of the race/species.

Its people being so greedy they feel the need to justify stealing their kids/friends/spouses presents.