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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU you don't have to automatically share food gifts?

265 replies

MaddyHatter · 27/10/2016 20:46

Bit of a TAAT, but i want to tackle the idea that when you're given food as a gift.. chocolate, sweets...etc that there is this expectation that you should share them.

"I can't quite get past someone being given chocolates as a present and snaffling them up to their bedroom, not to be shared with anyone else" was said on another thread as an example

Why?

I never have.. they were bought for me, why should i share them with anyone else?

Why is there this belief that food given to you as a present ought to be shared amongst the people in the house? Why does the fact that its food turn someone elses present into a fair game free for all?

OP posts:
abeandhalo · 28/10/2016 13:41

This thread is blowing my mind. What do you, sit there with a box of chocs on your lap while your partners, guests & kids just watch? Or hide things until your alone then enjoy by yourself?

Sharing lovely things with my loved ones is one of my life's greatest joys. Nobody surely gifts a big box of chocs thinking 'I hope the recipient eats the entire box to themselves'?

It's really amused me. In our family, at Xmas or Easter everyone opens their own gifts & has a bit & then after that it gets chucked in to a communal chocolate haul. We might ask out of politeness but if it's in the bowl I wouldn't say no.

KateInKorea · 28/10/2016 13:42

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BreconBeBuggered · 28/10/2016 13:52

I bought my sister some small scented candles of a brand she likes on her birthday. There were other people present when she opened them. Oddly, she didn't start offering them around the room and only have half left by the time everyone else had had a go. As far as the OP goes, I can't see much of a difference.

Original poster
MaddyHatter · 28/10/2016 13:52

We don't do playdates here because of 10yo DS who doesn't share because of his ASD, he doesn't understand the concept, so his things are off limits unless he specifically says you can have it. With him we try to work on 'taking turns' but sometimes he can't manage to cope with it.

DD is 7 and a different kettle of fish.. i allow DD to have things that she also doesn't have to share if she doesn't want to (because its not fair that ds can say no but she can't).. but as it happens, she is quite willing to share most of her things as she likes to play with other people together, and is fine on playdates.

Swings don't belong to my kids so its a moot point, they take turns (or DD does, DS takes a bit more work)

What does all that have to do with the expectation of sharing food given as birthday/christmas/mothers day/anniversary presents with other people though?

OP posts:
5moreminutes · 28/10/2016 13:54

Brecon the kids keep chocolate in the kitchen - nobody eats each others, but also nobody is hoarderish or obsessed with having the most left, and sometimes they offer each other shares or swap...

I think it is a mean spirited and judgemental attitude to food starting with a parent who is overly tightly controlling about food and eating that leads to family members hiding and hoarding food and other family members stealing it.

In houses with a less tightly wound attitude to food there is no need for the meaness and the greed that is the other side of the same coin.

It's the non sharers who are bursting with emotive language about and judgement of and contempt for their families when coping with food in a family context by the sound of both this thread and the thread that inspired you.

5moreminutes · 28/10/2016 13:55

*sorry inspired it not you.

Original poster
MaddyHatter · 28/10/2016 13:56

Our house is full of generic chocolate, biscuits and sweets.. the guests we do have are offered those without limit.

Why would i offer them something given to me specifically as a gift?

IS there some kind of culture i'm missing here where food gifts must be opened immediately on them being received?

I only ever open mine in the evening once the kids are in bed... but again, once they are open, i should expect that other people don't think thats an opening to help themselves.

OP posts:
FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 28/10/2016 13:58

Well good for you abe - but if I'm bought a chocolate orange (one of my favourites) then I shouldn't have to share. I probably will, because I'm part of a family, and a mum, and that's what we do, but it's mine and if I don't want to share I shouldn't have to.

You say "Nobody surely gifts a big box of chocs thinking 'I hope the recipient eats the entire box to themselves'?" - I would say, if you're giving a birthday gift of a box of chocolates then they are intended for the person having the birthday and it is up to them to decide whether or not they want to share? Is it dependent on the size of the chocolate? If my husband buys me a Mars should I share with everyone?

There's nothing wrong with wanting to have your own things. Let's just say the make up cost £20 as did the chocolates - nobody thinks it's expected to share the make up that the older daughter owns?

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 28/10/2016 14:01

It's the non sharers who are bursting with emotive language about and judgement of and contempt for their families when coping with food in a family context by the sound of both this thread and the thread that inspired you.

You really think the non-sharers are greedy and full of contempt, but at the same time are the ones using emotive language?! Or have I misread?

Because "Sharing lovely things with my loved ones is one of my life's greatest joys" seems like a dig at those saying they shouldn't have to share (shouldn't have to, not that they don't) and about as emotive as you can get.

Original poster
MaddyHatter · 28/10/2016 14:01

"Nobody surely gifts a big box of chocs thinking 'I hope the recipient eats the entire box to themselves'?"

Why? If you intend for it to be a communal gift, then address it to everyone.

OP posts:
FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 28/10/2016 14:02

(sorry I realised I have mixed up the two threads in one of my previous posts)

NavyandWhite · 28/10/2016 14:02

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Original poster
MaddyHatter · 28/10/2016 14:03

I personally think its funny that they're assuming that just because i don't share food gifts, that i never share anything with the family.

I share everything else, which is why i'm so fixed on the fact i SHOULD NOT have to share my Presents!

Am i not allowed anything to myself?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaddyHatter · 28/10/2016 14:04

No Navy, its not about me, read the OP.

"Why is there this belief that food given to you as a present ought to be shared amongst the people in the house? Why does the fact that its food turn someone elses present into a fair game free for all?"

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 28/10/2016 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katedotness1963 · 28/10/2016 14:09

I usually get a box of Godiva chocolates for my birthday and Christmas. I always open them and share them with my husband and sons because they are the best chocolates. I'd feel awful not sharing. For his birthday this year I gave my youngest a box. He took them up to his room and ate the lot himself. I'm considering having him adopted...Wink

NavyandWhite · 28/10/2016 14:09

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Original poster
MaddyHatter · 28/10/2016 14:10

that was one line.

Both the open and close are to do with the concept of food being a communal gift.

OP posts:
knifeforkandspoon · 28/10/2016 14:10

Seriously OP, give over. You sound about 3.

NavyandWhite · 28/10/2016 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MaddyHatter · 28/10/2016 14:12

and i know.. i just really want to know WHY people expect food gifts to be shared.

Why is it selfish to expect to be able to enjoy it yourself?

OP posts:
FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 28/10/2016 14:12

Sez you, knifeforkandspoon Hmm

Original poster
MaddyHatter · 28/10/2016 14:13

Seriously OP, give over. You sound about 3.

seriously knife, you don't want to discuss it, kindly go read/post elsewhere.. i'm not making you stay here.

I want to discuss a common attitude, its got nothing to do with what i personally do, i want to know why people think food gifts are communal.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 28/10/2016 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

knifeforkandspoon · 28/10/2016 14:14

Maybe the free for all is what happens in YOUR house.

Trust me, it doesn't in others.

Perhaps instead of stomping your feet and snaffling sweets in secret (which frankly in an adult is so weird it doesn't even merit mentioning, if you can't see it yourself what sort of problem you have) you should accept that other people those of us who don't mind handing out the lindor obviuosly have a much healthier attitude to food than you.

For instance you talk about your 7 year old helping herself to stuff that isn't hers. Do you mean food again? She is 7 ffs. Might it be she has an issue with stampy footed mummy hiding buns in the bedroom? Possibly?

Sheesh.