AIBU you don't have to automatically share food gifts?

[MaddyHatter]

Bit of a TAAT, but i want to tackle the idea that when you're given food as a gift.. chocolate, sweets...etc that there is this expectation that you should share them.

"I can't quite get past someone being given chocolates as a present and snaffling them up to their bedroom, not to be shared with anyone else" was said on another thread as an example

Why?

I never have.. they were bought for me, why should i share them with anyone else?

Why is there this belief that food given to you as a present ought to be shared amongst the people in the house? Why does the fact that its food turn someone elses present into a fair game free for all?

I've never really thought about it, I just automatically share, as do DH and the DDs. It wouldn't occur to me to NOT share, I love my little family, and want to share my happiness with them.

I would automatically share. If someone brings a box of chocolates for me, for a birthday or whatever, there's no way I would eat them all myself - and I do like a nice chocolate. The box gets offered round and I'd serve myself last. Treat boxes of chocolate are meant to be shared, in my opinion.

My chocolates tend to go to hubby as not a huge chocolate person but generally I won't share gummy sweets with him just as I wouldn't share my new lipstick with him. My DS tends to get some though.

I notice that none of the people who are horrified at the thought of non-sharers are sharing with family who are the type to dive into someone else's box of chocolates and eat all the best ones, or they can't leave some sweets lying around in the kitchen without the whole lot being gone the next day.

My natural instinct is to share but when surrounded by people who will just take the piss and eat more than their fair share and never offer me anything of theirs in return (looking at you DSCs) then actually there comes a point when sharer becomes doormat. I no longer see a problem in quietly setting aside some of my own birthday/Christmas treats just for myself. There's only so long you can try leading by example before you get fed up with always being the one losing out.

I was getting all judgy because in our house we absolutely share food and sweets and special chocolate. BUT don't get me started on the times I have caught DH slathering his face with darphin or washing his 1cm of hair with my good shampoo.

I guess we all have our things!

i don't expect anyone to share chocolates bought as a gift.
my mum does. if i get a box a box of chocolates for xmas she'll take the mick if i try and save them. drove me potty as a kid, don't see anyone trying to share the crappy socks from auntie mabel, but the box of you're favourite overpriced fudge from that one shop 40miles away that u adore from your boyfriend seems fair fucking game!!!

Yes i do have children. I have one with Autism who doesn't eat anything i do, and i have one with a horrendous sweet tooth who is not above taking food that isn't hers.

I also grew up with a brother and a dad who helped themselves to anything and everything, and then i married a man with the same thoughts.

The Pimms i don't mind so much, but the once he bought me a box of Thorntons fudge, and then 'helped himself' to over half of it.

Its not that i never share, it depends on what it is and how much is in it. Some stuff i will give over for general sharing, like the tin of quality street i invariably get at Christmas, other things i do not share, like boxes of Lindor or Guylian, and fudge.

Whether you share or not is up to you.. my issue is with the expectation that food gifts are for sharing, not solely for the recipient.

I'm with you op, but i'm like that about all food. If we're out for a meal and you fancy what i'm having, don't order something else then expect to share mine.

Once i've had some of mine, i usually offer, but i can't stand the fork approaching my plate "you don't mind if i have a bit..." yes i do.

Food presents are no different from any other. Would you expect to share out perfume or a ring?

However...when you go round to someones for dinner and bring wine, is that a present to the host or part of the dinner? Would you be offended if they put your nice expensive bottle away and served some cheap stuff? I would.

i think wine bought to dinner is bought specifically to share, kind of like a pot luck contribution, they cook, you provide the drinks, so the rules are different.

We sometimes got given gifts of food/wine by clients years back. In particular we were given boxes of cadburys chocolate biscuits which were always taken by the Estate Agency Manager. This would even be if she was not involved in the work and the gift was for the person dealing with the conveyancing transaction ie me and a colleague.

After complaints, they were all stored to be handed out at the end of the month. I got the choc biscuits and said manager threw a tantrum trying to get me to give up the biscuits! I wasn't really bothered but held onto them on purpose so she didn't get them. I then took them home without opening them in the office haha.

Hugely entitled person/manager who ate all the biscuits. I always, always share with my family by the way, but they eat it all any way.

I think it depends on the context. If it's a food contribution to a dinner party or similar (say someone turns up with a bottle of wine or a cake or a cheeseboard) I'd expect that to be shared.

If it's obviously a gift for one particular person, I don't think it necessitates sharing. You wouldn't give someone flowers and then take a few stems home with you, would you? That's just odd.

If the recipient opens them up and start eating them there and then, obviously it's polite to offer them round, but I'd still expect them to eat/save most of them for themselves.

I got a tin of Roses as an office Secret Santa gift one year which I felt obliged to open and leave in the office. People that had received scarves, mugs, coffee vouchers, etc were all able to take their gifts home though. That felt unfair.

I always share. It would feel weird and extremely greedy scoffing chocolate etc in front of others without offering them around.
I would think someone who wouldn't share had some sort of issue with food or maybe wasn't allowed them as a child or something.
I certainly wouldn't be persuading them to share I'd leave them to it.

If I've been given something like a tin of Quality Street, I'm perfectly happy to leave that out for the whole family to dive into.
On the other hand, if DH has gone out and chosen the kind of chocolates that work out at about £1 a piece, no WAY will they be eaten by anyone but me unless I specifically offer. Which, I confess, does not happen very often. Most of any available present money goes on the DC, naturally, so I refuse to feel guilty about the occasional indulgence.

I expect gifts given to me to be mine to do what I please with. If I want to share, I will. I don't see any difference in food gifts. I don't think anyone should be made to feel bad for not sharing.

Navy, i teach my children that sharing is polite, but that if they don't want to, they don't have to.

You don't take without asking, and if the person you ask says no, then you accept it.

I don't expect my kids to kiss people they dont want to kiss, to hug people they don't want to hug or to share things that they don't want to share.

I believe very strongly in children having a right to decide what to do with themselves and their belongings.

Maddy - so if your in the park with one swing and you ask your child to share, by the same principle if your child doesn't want to they don't have to? Surely the point of sharing is sometimes you also share when you don't want to because otherwise others miss out completely. Your teaching them that if there's something they want they can have it, without considering others feelings are just as important sometimes.

Different scenario altogether, Art. The swing is a communal resource.

Equally, if the child has a swing at home, letting others have a turn on the swing will not deplete the supply of equipment.

We don't have any rule about this but it is automatic to share with whoever is there when you open them - eating in front of people and not sharing is rude. I've never had to spell this out though, the kids just do it. I always assume this is because they've never gone without so never become bitter, petty and mean about hoarding food, including chocolate or sweets - resource guarding is not associated with healthy group dynamics or a healthy psychology.

We don't allow food in bedrooms at all - for anyone, including adults. This is mainly because of childhood memories of a large number of mice infesting my childhood home as a result of the chocolate my sister hoarded in her bedroom - the drawer under her bed was stained with mouse pee and full of their poo and mouse gnawed 10 month old Easter eggs...

Obviously you don't take someone else's chocolate without being offered it... But that is not the same as watching them eat it in front of you and not offering.

There is something very mean spirited but also miserable and joyless about the idea of hiding food in your bedroom so as to eat it alone without sharing. It does not sound to me like something a relaxed, happy, calm person would do.

I do think food is different to any other possession because within a family who live as a nuclear family food is communal.

In a park the play equipment is fully communal.

I would not ever force a child to share a personal possession - I wouldn't force them to share food, but I would see not sharing food as a worrying indication of something not right - either an unhealthy relationship with food or between the individual and the other people in the room or something else being wrong for the person who felt the need to do this.

I was about to feel bad about having a go, because clearly from your more recent posts up there, there are family issues with food that go back a long way which has obviously had an effect on how you see food yourself.

But the bit about your kids, if your daughter say has a playdate and refuses to let her friends play with her stuff, that's OK then? I guess they are relatively young from your description. Do they have many friends? Cos if mine came back from their mates and told me the mother was sitting scoffing chocs and not offering them and the kids wouldn't let them play with "their" toys, then I'd be looking fro friends elswhere.

And yes, what on earth has kissing strangerts got to do with anything?

There are all sorts of issues going on here so I'll just back away I think.

For the sharing types: if you buy your DC Easter eggs, do you expect them to keep them in a place where everyone can help themselves, and the greediest family member gets the most?

If I give somebody a nice edible gift, I specifically tell them not to share it with me. I expect them to put it away until they fancy eating it, as I would myself. Far more respectful of the chocolate to wait for the right mood to come along.

My children have communal clothing, even pants! They don't seem to mind. They are the same size, and it's almost impossible to remember who's sock is who's. Sharing means double the toys and games and books here instead of hoarding half each

Ps gulian chocolates are 99p in Lidl. No need to hide them away