To ask if you are as socially awkward as me...

[WankingMonkey]

And for some stories?

A couple of days back I just met my cousins partner for the first time. All is going well and she says she likes my top and asks where I got it. My answer?

'Oh I have had it on for two days as I am such a scruff round the house'

She just kind of looked weirdly at me and went 'riiiiight' and walked out of the room .

Seriously wtf inspires me to say shit like that? Its not the first time and probably won't be the last either. So socially awkward. I expect I am not alone, whats your worst?

'sexy times' and 'just aids to go then' are two of the funniest things I've ever read.

Omg this thread!!! literally crying

Colleague very proud that she was able to answer more University Challenge questions the previous eveninflg.

Me : "Anyone notice how it seems to be dumbing down nowadays?"

Cue tumbleweed...

Only the latest in a long life of twatty gaffes.

Many years ago at this time of year I was given a halloween decoration of a cat...the following year a colleague reminded me about it.

Me : "Yay it's halloween, I can get my pussy out - I love my halloween pussy".

Thank you, thank you so much for all of these. I'm currently going through hangover self-loathing of how awkward I am in social situations and how sure I am that people don't want to hang out with me (last night with all the prosecco in me I regarded myself as a dazzling effervescent bubble of entertainment, so I'm due the comedown), and this thread has had me laughing to tears. Sexy times and Only AIDS to go are actually just hilarious, I love you people!

I also try to wipe my mind of these instances as otherwise I torment myself for years to come over how badly I must come across. Very happy to read that David Hyde Pierce is lovely though, always had a bit of a crush on him.

Oh god I'm glad so many of us are the same...

The ones that stick out are just after we'd lost an aunt, my uncle was telling me at the wake because of his job he was expected to have a short life expectancy and that he thought he'd always go first... "Well you got your eye wiped" was my response. The table went dead!

My second was when i was working in a factory we had a man come in and explain that his wife was blind and that he needed something made specifically to help her in the home. I drew up the designs for him and had it made up by one of the lads.

He came in a week later to pay and collect it and I walked him out to the car park, he pointed at his car and said hi wife was waiting, so I waved over to her and shouted hello, then when she didn't wave back said to the husband, oh she mustn't have seen me, well ok bye then.

It was only when i got back to my desk I realised what id done.

I've found my people!

A guy at work was getting his head shaved for charity,the whole department was there to watch.

Once his hair is off he has an obvious white patch and one of the senior managers says "oh I could lend you some of my fake tan" so I say "yeah, then you'd be bald and orange!" then realising what I'd said I say "not that you're orange, senior manager!"

sexy times
I do these all the time because I don't feel relaxed or comfortable enough to chat normally.

This is my life I have millions I'm a twat

Off the top of my head;

Talking to my boss about hospitals..

Boss 'I know that hospital, my Mum was there, she's been to quite a few in the area,

Me 'Awww, is she a hypochondriac?'

Boss 'She has Parkinson's'

On laying in A and E having an escaped tampon retrieved

'Sorry, I haven't shaved it for a while it looks like the forth Bee Gee brother.'

When we put the house up for sale two male estate agents came to measure up. As I showed them into my bedroom for some inexplicable reason I stated ' Ooooh this is where the magic happens' and winked at the youngest one (young enough to be my son) Completely out of character and it still makes me cringe now.

This thread is hilarious, and so good knowing we're all weirdos normal.
I had a baby last month so the girls from work came to visit.
Friend - "Wow, you look fantastic. Your belly is flat already!"
Me - "eugh. You should see what I'm hiding under these huge knickers. Tea for everyone?"

What. The. Fuck.

I'm laughing and cringing at these!

I said similar, Panda when my friends were marvelling at how big my 9lb baby was, and I said "ha ha, just call me bagpuss from now on" and was met with a wall of embarrassed silence.

Crying at bagpuss and this is where the magic happens.

Foot in mouth, im good at it.
I Cant take a comliment either ' like your hair 80s ' me,' ,oh, my hairdresser is amazing, i can never get it go like this myself, usually looks rubbish, ..blah blah..( no more perms for me these days, never had any compliments then - only laughter)
Like your top, oh, this old thing? I just waffle on and on. Never learn. Ever.

Its just filler, chit chat isnt it? My dh never does any of this as he never wastes words. So isnt seen as a nutter like his wife..

I pulled an amazing socially awkward moment the other week. I was coming out of a baby class at a local leisure centre with ds2 (7 months old) when a guy selling memberships to a local bird charity caught me and started doing the sell. I hate anything like that and started to panic, then ds2 started to squirm and try and escape. Sales bloke asks "is this your only one?" Pointing to ds2. I said yes and then had to pretend ds1 doesn't exist. Inagrewd tpna membership and he asked for names to put on membership cards. I gave dh name, ds2 name and then made up some shite about looking after my "nephew" regularly and could I put him on there too. Then i gave my name. I said wooden married name and he said ooo you used to be wooden maiden name. Turns out we went to school together and I didn't recognise him (it's been a long time). He later added me on Facebook which is covered in posts etc about my 2 children. He hasnt asked why my "nephew" is actually my son. Honestly wtf is wrong with me!!!

These are so funny and I often come out with utter crap, normally at work.
Many years ago, a colleague announced that she was expecting. My response was 'congratulations, was it planned?'
Like what the actual f**k.

Oh God I've just remembered one from a few years ago. I went away with work for a night that involved a short flight. It was a small plane that had about 20 people on it. As we were called to board there was only one man in front of me as we headed for the stairs that would take us down to the runway. I noticed that the man in front had a mobility problem that meant he had to take the stairs very very slowly. My thought process went as follows:

"I hope he doesn't feel under pressure to try and rush because we are all behind him....it looks like he is trying to stick to one side of the stairway...i wonder if he wants to let us past...maybe he feels under pressure because we are all walking behind him ...maybe everyone behind me is wishing that I would hurry up and go past ...ok I'll go past him so he doesn't feel under pressure to rush."
Cue me with the very best of intentions trying to go past the man just as he did a bit of a lunge over towards me. It then looked like I had shoulder barged him to get past...and no one else behind me followed but continued to wait very patiently behind the man with the dodgy leg all the way across the runway and on to the plane meaning that I had boarded the plane a good minute or so ahead of everyone else and got evil eyes for all the passengers as they got on...the shame

You made up a nephew? Just the sort of hole I'd get myself into!

A lady approached me smiling in Tescos asking me how I was? How is my husband? I had no clue who she was but went along with it, smiling and nodding, until she asked after my girls (I have boys). It soon became clear I was pretending to be her friend and she then looked horrified and walked off.

The worst part was I kept seeing her in the aisles...gah.

A former boss announcing he was about to become a father.
Everyone else: "Congratulations".
Me: " Are you sure it's yours?"
Why, oh why did I ever say that?

I could add so many more instances too............

First visit from the midwife last week, just delivered DS and she says 'can we have a quick look at him'
To which I swiftly replied...'he's not here'
He was in fact there. So there I was holding him.

I have no idea why I said that. DH thinks I'm a nutcase

Oh god, 'just call me bagpuss' and 'he's not here' have actually brought on a mild asthma attack through laughing too hard.

When I had DD six years ago I made the mistake of trying to cast off my social awkwardness and kept in touch with a few other new mums. One of them had banged on and on about her size and weight - probably about a 14 - from the moment I met her at a BFing group.

One day DD and I were at our Sure Start group - she was quite a few weeks older than the rest so we'd been going a while - when a group of four turned up so I went over to say hi. They put their babies on one of those mats with four pillows (irrelevant but completely depicted the group dynamic).

In general conversation the weight-obsessed one said she'd been a size 6 at her wedding the previous year. I responded 'really?' I didn't mean to sound incredulous (I was and still am bigger myself) but that was the spirit in which it was taken. They got up as one with their babies and went into the sensory room.

It went downhill from there and it took me a few weeks to realise they were a bunch of cliquey alpha bitches. I do not miss them at all and it didn't take long for the cracks to appear in their own 'friendships' - the queen bee soon got ousted too.

Im in group therapy for anxiety issues, very serious difficult group. At break the therapist wheeled out a tea trolley... I couldnt help but say "go on, go on, go on, go on..." a la Mrs Doyle. Im contemplating never going back

he's not here!!!
I am crying - I might be the first MN case of 'died laughing'.... if only I'd thought of saying that... they all want a look at the baby... "he's not here" ... this bundle in my arms is just scotch mist...

I do this all the time too. Every time someone tells me how old they are I always say is that all?
Every single time!