Am I really 'grossly irresponsible'?

[Saggingninja]

My 12 year old daughter's best friend - 'Polly' comes to stay for a few days over half-term. Polly is 14. On the first day, Polly says she would love to go into town (Manchester) with Katie. So I give them money, make sure their phones are charged and send them off.

Both girls are sitting in a cafe having hot chocolate. Polly texts her mum to say she's having fun. Three minutes later Polly's mother calls me. I am 'grossly irresponsible letting two young girls go into town and anything could happen.'

I pointed out that it's half-term, there are likely to be loads of parents and children around and both girls go to school by bus every day. But Polly's mother is convinced their are gangs of Mancunian paedophiles lurking everywhere, so I dash into town to rescue the girls from having a nice time.

I had very overprotective parents who convinced me there were 'bad people' everywhere and kept me in a bubble. I grew up anxious and timid and was determined that my own children would be more confident. And our sons are far more likely to be victims of criminal violence. Our girls are in far more (statistical) danger of being assaulted by someone they know well.

Perhaps I should have told Polly's mother before I let them go. But she (Polly) seemed so pleased and there were two of them. Was I wrong?

At 14 I went to stay with a friend in Paris on my own. Flight on my own, trips on the metro around Paris with friend frequently without her mother. Long before the days of mobile phones too!
I'm massively over cautious of my much younger DC but even I think Polly's mum is over the top!

Polly was not on her own, though, was she?

No not kidding. Everybody parents differently .

Really?
Nowhere alone before 16?

Poor kids.

Well, i tend not to judge other people's parenting but deblet i am honestly , your poor dcs.

If you had a 14 year old who had been going into a city with their parents for years, and knew it very very well, (and where to avoid) then. Maybe. But it's the OP's 12 year old DD"s hometown, not the 14 year olds!

Mitzy* Manchester is a great city but you can very easily wander into some very undesirable areas, backstreets, side streets literally next to the high-street shops. If you didn't know the area it would be easy to wander into them. It's extremely extremely busy and bustling, it's not that easy to navigate. There's a lot of people with problems in and around Manchester, along with the expensive shops and big spenders.

It doesn't take a second to grab a slight 12 year old off the street, even if it's for 30 seconds, I wouldn't want to risk it. There have been reports of young children attacked in the city centre. Mugged for phones and small change, footwear etc. How does a crying 12 and 14 year old phone home if they have been mugged? Do they know what a "sensible" shop is to go into, who to ask, what to do if it goes wrong? Has the OP had that conversation with her DD or her friend?

I used to go into Manchester with friends from about 12-13. That required small walk, a 20 min bus ride and about 15 mins on the train. And I didn't have a mobile then (although my friend used to be loaned her mother's huge Nokia "in case of an emergency" which she was terrified to lose).

We live in London now so I guess inevitably my son will be getting the tube on his own or with friends by high school age.

Francis Manchester is not a town!!!!!

deblet out of curiosity- do your children just accept that?
What do they tell their friends- or have they stoped asking them to go places?

Blimey,Deblet what happens when they reach 16 having never been out on their own. That big wide world will be quite frightening for them.
My children having grown up and gone to school in London have been going out on their own since about 11/12.
Free travel on buses meant that with friends they would get on any old one and see where it went! Probably better than hanging around the park.

I think the mother of this 14 year old is being ridiculous and people's idea that these cities have become so much more dangerous is not supported by statistics.

Don't feel sorry for them, they are very happy with their lives. And more than capable of looking after themselves they just don't walk around the streets or hang around. They do a lot so not locked up in the house.

There are a few 'Polly's mums' on this thread. Their poor kids!

YWNBU at all. Polly's mum was incredibly rude calling you grossly irresponsible when you had kindly hosted her daughter for days. I'd be after an apology.

They don't have friends who go out either just in each others homes. And as I say more than capable to go out. Just with adults.

I live in Paris, my DD is nearly 12 and she is most definitely allowed to go shopping or for a smoothie with a friend during the holidays. I expect to know where and with whom she is going out and for her to be back within a specified time and to keep her mobile on at all times, but that is a security measure.

Deblet, how old are your children?

12 and 13 Lweji the 13 yr old is autistic. Oldest is 24 and autisitc.

I would be happy with it but parents differ so it's best to ask. I usually would say but then the children lie. When he was 10 one of my sons realised he could get free bus journeys (London) so he liked to plot bus routes and go about 2 or 3 stops from home (so not far). He took a friend once who said hie mother would have no problem with it. The mother did have a problem with it and her son had lied to me. Mind you going 3 stops on a bus is really good life experience so I usually think these overly fussy parents are the ones at fault.

Being able to find your way around a city and deal with situations on your own is part of growing up.
Being capable of going out with adults Deblet is not the same. How old are they now?

YANBU - but I have learned from experience that people parent in very different ways and I would have checked with the other mum.

Well, Polly's mum will have pretty much ensured that Polly will start lying to her about where she is.

My mum actually sent us off into central London (we lived in the burbs) when we were about 13. We weren't able to get to school by ourselves (no school bus/direct bus so she drove us) and she thought it was important for us to gain independence to travel just the two of us (me + older sibling). And no phones back then, but we were expect to do the '3 rings' from a public phone when we were heading back so she knew when to expect us. We were dead boring, we never did anything we couldn't tell her about.

I find it extraordinary that anyone could live near to a big city packed full of amazing things to do and forbid their teens to go.

deblet thanks for your reply. So lm assuming at least one of yours is 16+ and you've now allowed them out? If so, what did they start with?
Sorry for all the questions-l have relatives that were of the same mindset as you - the children had problems entering the adult world. Later than yours actually - the first time they went anywhere...was to college ( 4 hrs away!)
My eldest is 18 - l haven't parented the same way as they did. I built it up gradually. I will probably do the same with next in line - he is 13.

12 and 13 Lweji the 13 yr old is autistic. Oldest is 24 and autisitc

Well...
Not quite the same as most teenagers, then, is it?

Still, good luck with the still 12 year old that does not have autism. I doubt it will get to 16.

The situation with your autistic children is understandable, Deblet, but you are likely to have to lighten up with the 12 year old soon.