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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I really 'grossly irresponsible'?

494 replies

Saggingninja · 27/10/2016 13:19

My 12 year old daughter's best friend - 'Polly' comes to stay for a few days over half-term. Polly is 14. On the first day, Polly says she would love to go into town (Manchester) with Katie. So I give them money, make sure their phones are charged and send them off.

Both girls are sitting in a cafe having hot chocolate. Polly texts her mum to say she's having fun. Three minutes later Polly's mother calls me. I am 'grossly irresponsible letting two young girls go into town and anything could happen.'

I pointed out that it's half-term, there are likely to be loads of parents and children around and both girls go to school by bus every day. But Polly's mother is convinced their are gangs of Mancunian paedophiles lurking everywhere, so I dash into town to rescue the girls from having a nice time.

I had very overprotective parents who convinced me there were 'bad people' everywhere and kept me in a bubble. I grew up anxious and timid and was determined that my own children would be more confident. And our sons are far more likely to be victims of criminal violence. Our girls are in far more (statistical) danger of being assaulted by someone they know well.

Perhaps I should have told Polly's mother before I let them go. But she (Polly) seemed so pleased and there were two of them. Was I wrong?

OP posts:
MitzyLeFrouf · 27/10/2016 16:32

Aha! So it is Mynest!

Pettywoman · 27/10/2016 16:33

I used to go on a bus to Bath or Cheltenham at that age with friends. That was an hour/half hour on the bus with 10p for the phone box just in case. The mum is doing her daughter no favours being so protective of her.

notagiraffe · 27/10/2016 16:35

DS 14 often goes into central London with mates and has been going to quieter, smaller towns locally with friends but no adults from the age of about 11. It's good for them. Builds confidence and self-reliance. But I think I'd have discussed it with a parent first if the child were staying with me and assumed to be at home with us. (Having said that, I don't always check that DS's mates' parents have OKed trips to London but they usually have some activity arranged, so I assume they do.

GerdaLovesLili · 27/10/2016 16:37

By the time I was 12 even my mother was happy for me to travel on public transport from MiIl Hill to Hayes on my own to visit my aunt, or to get the Grey-Green bus from Brent Cross to visit my friends who'd moved away to Amersham, and she was fiercely over-protective and old fashioned.

By 14 I was pretty much free to travel around London as long as she knew when to expect me back, long before the age of mobile phones.

I don't think you were at all irresponsible. The other Mother must know that she has different ideas about what her child is allowed to do than most, and she really should have told you what her (slightly odd) expectations were.

amicissimma · 27/10/2016 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bbcessex · 27/10/2016 16:54

How does your daughter know Polly? Presumably not from school as they're not the same age.

I'm assuming that Polly's mum may be a friend of yours, and you're having Polly stay for a few days? Perhaps you and your daughter are more used to a big City as you live near it... for someone who lives somewhere quieter, it may be a bigger deal to let a teenager go into a big City like Manchester by herself.

I wouldn't have let my 12 year DD into London by herself, for example, but I would let her catch the train to a nearby small town.

If you know the mum, you probably should have an idea if it was likely to be okay or not, so checking would have been good.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/10/2016 17:05

Continuing on the 'it's not necessarily any more dangerous for 14 YOs these days and if anything, it's probably safer' theme, when I was 14 it wasn't unusual from about 14 for girls to put a bit of make up on and buy cigarettes and alcohol and go drinking in pubs. That is probably much harder to do now, if not impossible.

oldlaundbooth · 27/10/2016 17:06

As pp's have asked, what exactly are the risks in Manchester? And how have they changed in the last 20 years?

PollyPerky · 27/10/2016 17:10

So Polly, if the girl was out of order, why blame the OP? Why couldn't the mother and the girl sort this out between them

This may well happen once the girl returns home.

I imagine that the mum was shocked and that is why she over reacted. maybe now she has calmed down a bit.

I think many of you are missing the point.
The point is not that M'chester is safe (or not.) The point is that the OP allowed the girl to do something that her mum didn't feel was safe.

IMO everyone has to share the blame for what is really poor communication.

1 Polly for asking to do something she may not be allowed to do by her mum.
2 The OP for assuming all parents have the same levels of freedom for their child.
3 Polly' s mum for not making it clear where her boundaries lay for Polly when staying with another family.

And the moral of the tale is:

1 don't ask to do something you know your mum wouldn't allow.
2 Communicate with other parents if in loco parentis.
3 Ask questions about what is on the cards if your child stays with another family.

AmysTiara · 27/10/2016 17:12

Yanbu. Polly is 14 so I don't see whyit would occur to you to ask permission from Pollys mum. Some parents really smother their kids.

PUGaLUGS · 27/10/2016 17:21

Over protective IMO.

You did nothing wrong.

namechangedtoday15 · 27/10/2016 17:24

It would never cross my mind that a parent wouldn't want a 14 year-old to do something that thousands of 11+s do every day. So I wouldn't think of asking.

As a parent of soon to be 12 year olds, I don't know anyone (not one single parent) who has let their child go into Manchester unaccompanied yet. We are a tram ride away.

HarrietVane99 · 27/10/2016 17:26

When my mum was 14/15, she was out at work. She was travelling on her own round London and across country by public transport. It was wartime, with air raids.

Some pp would be horrified at some of the situations she found herself in, due to public transport SNAFUS, but she survived, and looks back on it as an adventure.

ghostyslovesheep · 27/10/2016 17:27

Mum was bang out of order to have a pop at YOU - but I would have made sure Polly had checked with her mum first

I never make assumptions about what other parents do and don't find acceptable - I've been on MN long enough to know how varied peoples views are - I make decisions for my children but not for their friends - that I always check with the mum or dad first

My eldest is 14 and goes into Birmingham with mate (20 mins train ride) BUT I wouldn't give her friends blanket permission to join her

dinosaursarebisexual · 27/10/2016 17:33

Apart from increased traffic what are these new risks?

AudreyBradshaw · 27/10/2016 17:33

I was working in Manchester City centre at 14, up until I was 22 (I'm 30 now) and I honestly don't think it's changed so much. It's no more/less safe during the daytime than it was "back then". And I have very protective parents, I still got the bus there/back and it's a 20/30 minute bus ride.

And having spent the afternoon dodging 12 year olds on their phones not looking where they're walking in the Trafford Centre I'd say it's fairly common for younger ones to be out and about.

If Polly wasn't allowed out unaccompanied then I'd have thought her Mum would have communicated it, especially if your dds are bffs.

RoseDaisyRose · 27/10/2016 17:42

I grew up in South Manchester and often went into Manchester as a teen.

16-17, that is.

NO WAY would I have been going to Manchester as a 12 and 14 year old on our own. That's a good age to go to the local small town, yes, which is what I did. Manchester city centre? No. I would be annoyed too if I was the other girls' mum.

Manchester city centre is no place for a 12 and 14 year old on their own.

PollyPerky · 27/10/2016 17:43

Yanbu. Polly is 14 so I don't see whyit would occur to you to ask permission from Pollys mum. Some parents really smother their kids.

It's not just an age issue. It's about maturity, being streetwise and having some inkling that other parents have different views on things. maybe this 14 yr old looks and behaves like an 11 or 12 yr old- she is in fact best friends with a 12 yr old.

That's a big age gap at that age.

crunched · 27/10/2016 17:43

I think one of the best things about DC staying with other families is the opportunity this gives my DC,and me, to see things differently.
We live a distance from London,so for my children to visit,without an adult, when under 16 wouldn't have entered my mind but, when staying with mates in St Albans, that was what 14 year olds do on a Saturday. I felt pretty tense when I found out, retrospectively, my non-streetwise 14 year old had been wandering around Oxford Street, but she survived and I learnt it was up to me to be less parochial. I always try to fight the over-protective gene within me.
If Polly's Mother had certain boundaries that cannot be crossed, it was her responsibility to inform Op, if she chose not to, she respects the choices of the person in loco parentis.

MitzyLeFrouf · 27/10/2016 17:47

I was allowed into Dublin city centre with my friends from the age of 12. I'm intrigued as to what it is about Manchester that makes it such a horrifying idea for some people.

deblet · 27/10/2016 17:47

I don't allow my kids out on their own until they are 16 and leave school. Therefore I would have told you that when my dd came to stay. Imo the mother was at fault for not doing so as all kids will try to get away with things.

PollyPerky · 27/10/2016 17:50

The other thing is HAD THIS POLLY EVER BEEN OUT TO MANCHESTER ON HER OWN?

If not I can fully understand why her mum was aghast. Assume she'd want certain things in place beforehand for a big trip to a city. eg how long there, what to do in certain situations, agreed time to come back , contact numbers etc.

People let go at different ages and stages.

You might think this mum is over protective but you don't know the background. maybe she hasn't loosened the ties yet. That's her problem, yes. But other parents should not assume certain things are ok.

I don't know if Manchester is equivalent to London but DD and her friends were not allowed to go to London alone until they were almost 16. With an equivalent train trip. I wasn't alone in that decision - far from it.

Princecharlesfirstwife · 27/10/2016 17:50

deblet you are joking right?

BertrandRussell · 27/10/2016 17:51

"I don't allow my kids out on their own until they are 16 and leave school."

Please tell me you're kidding......

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 27/10/2016 17:51

I don't allow my kids out on their own until they are 16 and leave school.

Seriously? Do you really take them to school and pick them up? Do you never allow them to go out with their friends? Poor kids, if so.