AIBU to think ExH is BU?

[user1475501383]

ExH's circus of child arrangement proceedings came to town again today... He filed papers for domestic abuse. (So did I by the way)

AIBU in thinking these are stupid reasons for not allowing proper contact with my DS?

*A few times over the years I put DS to bed in daytime clothes
*A few times 2 years ago I gave 'inappropriate school lunch' for DS (porridge with grated apple)
*my sanitary bin sometimes 'overflows' with sanitary towels because it doesn't have a lid (yes, XH took pictures of this for the social services and court)
*once I left broken glass in the bath for 2 weeks because the bathroom light broke - NB at this point XH was not allowing me proper contact with DS anyway and I personally don't take baths, only showers
*apparently I told DS that if I don't see him anymore I'll move to France (a flippant comment made re English weather)

*&oh and apparently I used to 'pull funny faces at XH and say things in a childlike manner like having a tantrum and point my finger in his face as if trying to antagonise a reaction'

anyway, I'm the worst mum in the world in the eyes of XH and deserve no more than minimal contact with DS according to XH's statements to court...

AIBU in thinking he's the one being unreasonable here? (There are some slightly more severe allegations too but they're IMO so clearly manipulated / outright lies that I'm not mentioning them here, it's more this kind of petty stuff that is sort-of-true that XH feels is crucial for the Judge to hear and that he keeps listing ad infinitum whenever he gets the opportunity)

OP I think you're realising that your actions aren't as insignificant as you thought, which is good.

Unfortunately, from what you've written it seems as though the ex is hellbent on destroying your reputation until this dispute is resolved. That must be really awful for you.

The only thing you can really do is be on absolute best behaviour. Keep up with all medical appointments, try to grow your support network (although one sounds much easier than it is), plan every visit with your DS in advance so there's no risk of little things being blown out of proportion, make sure you and DS are fed balanced meals, and don't rise to any of your ex's comments.

If you can afford it, would it be possible for you to get a cleaner in to do a deep clean of your flat? It may then make ongoing cleaning more manageable and at least give him one less thing to comment on.

Ok so you don't have your son on his "shower nights". But what would have happened if your son had become unwell whilst staying with you, say he had been sick down himself, and needed an urgent shower/bath? He would have had to wait whilst you first cleared up glass before attending to his needs. I can't believe that as a parent you don't have that kind of concern/foresight? Totally unacceptable to leave the glass there in my opinion.

OP thank you for coming back and engaging, that will have been tough and I know you've heard a lot of things you probably didn't want to.
You have made a real step forwards in acknowledging. Non of us are perfect. Not one of us, but the way forwards is having the ability to recognise your area of weakness and planning how to improve it.

Please forget about every other parent at the gate. You are the only parent that is relevant here.
Not even your exDH. Focus on YOU, improving your actions, showing that you know what you need help with, reassuring the relevant authorities that you can provide a safe environment for your boy.
Don't dilute your actions with petty observations about anyone else - please.

I get why you start multiple threads. Your relationshio with your Ex is one thread. This is a different problem and so needs a different thread. Each problem needs a new thread, but NT people don't think that way.

Undercovergovnor made a very valid point. You're being a typical Aspie and dealing with each of your ex's complaints individually, but what you need to do is step back and look at the overall (I now that's hard). NT people don't have that problem as they can see the bigger picture.

my 2 cents as someone with ASD.

No i wouldn't leave glass in the bath, my kids dont take baths, they shower, but we use the bathroom regularly and i cannot trust them at 7 and 10, to not suddenly think its funny to climb in the bath while we're doing bedtime ablutions.

Also, i was taught glass should always be cleared up thoroughly IMMEDIATELY, so i'm quite anal about that.

The sanitary stuff is just.. its not a problem having an open top bin, but letting it overflow before taking it out is just being lazy.

Neither of those things make you a bad parent, nor does your autism, any more than mine makes me a bad mother, or my brothers makes him a bad father.

What it does mean, is sometimes we have to put extra effort into the 'what ifs' of doing or not doing things.

Lay off the "perfect" line. It's lazy and derails the valid points made. I don't have to personally be an Oscar winning actres in order to say that Paris Hilton could do with improving her acting skills.

While leaving glass in the bath for two weeks is possibly not the best idea, clearly you knew your eight year old was sensible enough not to touch it so I don't think that's a problem. Neither is the sanitary bin, maybe yuck,but not dangerous, and your ex sounds awful and as though he's looking for any little reason to hurt you. Honestly the only way you are BU is expecting support from this forum. Not a good place to post stuff like this :) good luck with everything xxx

I don't think it's helpful to minimise OP's behavior. Leaving glass in the bath is not OK. From what I gather OP was showering whilst it was still in the tub? That's fucking dangerous and stupid and makes me wonder what else she is so lax about.

Are you getting some psychological support OP? It sounds as if you're under an awful lot of strain, which most people would find stressful. Some therapy sessions, even if you have to pay for them, might be beneficial.

Like others, I think that the picture you paint in your OP does not sound like a safe and supportive environment, and it's good that you acknowledge this in your latest post. Honestly, I almost think the lunches and the going to sleep in daytime clothes are worse than the glass and sanitary bin.

I think you need to start thinking less about the mistakes other parents make -- they are completely irrelevant to your situation. Also, although examples of being a loving parent are good, they don't cancel out the bad stuff. What the court wants to see is not that you are the perfect parent (no one is) but that you are able to provide a safe and stable environment. An environment can be unsafe and unstable even if 95% of the time you go above and beyond in parenting. To put it bluntly you need to show that the bad stuff never happens and that you will be able to not only not repeat previous mistakes but also exhibit a level of judgment that means you won't make similar ones again.

From what I gather OP was showering whilst it was still in the tub? That's fucking dangerous and stupid

Op said she was showering at the gym, and that the bath wasn't being used by anyone while the glass was in there.

If you've been in a relationship like the one you described, you are unlikely to come away unscathed. What support have you received for this and if you haven't, are you able to access this? Do you have any mental health support; nurse or social worker or even a supportive GP?

I think it's important for your sake and for your son's to recognise the incidents are not ideal. They're not neglectful, hideous, abusive parenting but recognising that it is not OK and that you've changed is the important thing.

Draw a line under the past and focus on moving forward. You owe it to yourself and your son to be happy.

It sounds like you and your ex have been both unreasonable at various points but you have a child together and what's best for him is that he is cared for by both his loving parents, even if it means making changes. You can't change your ex but you can change you.

Good luck and take care.

My bins sometimes do overflow and I perhaps would leave glass for too long in an unused area. IT'S CALLED DEPRESSION!!! EVER HEARD OF IT? Good news is that it's treatable. Get some help. Only don't look on mums net-they've obviously never heard of it there.

Oh and you can successfully raise kids with it. I've done it.

WTF has depression got to do with bins or smashed glass?

nitsparty You are spectacularly missing the point in this case.

nitsparty what are you talking about?!

I suffer from depression and really struggle with housework. However, with support off DH, I have it under control to the extent where my children have a safe and sanitary enough home to ensure their health and safety even if it does look a bit rough around the edges most of the time.

I manage to do that because I am aware that if I let it slide too much and it started posing a risk to them there is a distinct possibility they could be taken away. And no matter how depressed I am I can't let that happen.

If a parent is too ill through depression to care for a child they can lose them either to the other parent or to the care system. Ditto other conditions which mean people get to the point where they can't parent safely anymore. It's not a judgement on whether they are at 'fault' or not for being ill. It's a matter of the children's safety. No matter how much you sympathise with the reasons for a child's home not being safe, you can't ignore it. Particularly when there is a safe alternative with another parent.

Another mentally ill mum here - child's needs come first. Does mean if I'm struggling I worry but mainly the services I've been supported by while not desperate to snatch my child away, do have my daughter's welfare in mind.

OP

I've read some of your previous thread (not all as I don't have much time now - have to get ready to go shopping). It really sounds like you're having a rough time of it and I can't imagine how you must be feeling not being able to see your child right now.

Your ex sounds scarily like my ex. He too would threaten me with my mental health problems and claim I was not a fit mother. He snatched our child from me in the street (at this point things were amicable), I had to go to his dads house and sat at waited for the opportunity to get him back. He made accusations and later told me had to make stuff up because he had nothing to go on! It was all a control/power thing, he didn't care about our child (as evidence by the fact he hasn't seen our child - by choice - for a few years now). Of course you feel attacked, you're on the defensive, someone you loved has turned on you in a horrible way and now you're probably paranoid. His gaslighting has made you suspicious of people and you're second guessing everything. Don't be too hard on yourself. You mention being bullied when you were younger so not being so aware of what was acceptable and not in regards to your exes behaviour, I know exactly where you're coming from sadly.

The sanitary towels are no major issue and I hope the court will see that him taking photographs of those is petty and actually pretty cruel. I always put mine straight in the main bin as I live in a flat so easy enough to do. The glass obviously is a bigger issue but I understand why you didn't do it immediately if you couldn't see due to lack of light but really should have been done sooner - an accident could have happened, but it didn't.. I'm sure nearly everyone on this thread has had a situation where something could have happened but it didn't. I'm sure that under close scrutiny there would be similar little things to the sanitary towels that everyone on this thread has done.

My advice would be to speak to someone at Womens Aid, they can be great with offering support and advice and can help you access further help if needed. Also if you can get on a parenting course then go for it, it will go in your favour, anything you can do that is pro-active will help.

Use this time that you haven't got your child for some self care. Work on building yourself up again and getting things in order. I think you have a long fight on your hands. I explained to my solicitor about the emotional abuse and she was pretty dismissive about it as it can be very difficult to prove sadly. I think offering 50/50 would put you in a good position, it shows you're being 'fair' and would not object to ex seeing child, it's a good starting point and as you have stated in previous thread they wouldn't want to defer too far from the status quo. If you do get 50/50 then I would start to keep a diary of any incidents that you feel are questionable ie ex not sticking to arrangement - then at a later point you can always go back to court if things aren't working out and you will be armed with times, dates, witnesses etc

For what it's worth when I was with my ex and when going through court I was not the best parent I could be. I was constantly stressed, I lost two stone in weight, I was nervous and anxious, I was short and snappy, I let the housework go a bit, I didn't want to leave the house because I felt everyone was looking at me/judging me. Things are so much better now and I hope they will be for you too. Good luck OP.

OP so sorry you are having such a rough time, divorce is hard anyway and when you are in the middle of a custody battle it can become very nasty and very bitter, with all sorts of petty shit being bought up. bitter experience

on the face of it the things you mention seem very trivial and inconsequential, although not pleasant or safe, but when looked at as a whole they could give an impression of someone who is unable to provide a safe clean environment, with routine and regular meals for a child.

My advice would be stop focusing on what exh, other parents are doing, and have done, or stuff that has been said by people on your exh side, they are not the ones being looked at, you are. Focus on what matters, being a positive role in your DS life. There are some great suggestions of ways to get help and support on here focus on those, show the courts, social services and the judge that what matters is your ds, that is all they will be concerned about.

finally good luck its a hard path