AIBU to think ExH is BU?

[user1475501383]

ExH's circus of child arrangement proceedings came to town again today... He filed papers for domestic abuse. (So did I by the way)

AIBU in thinking these are stupid reasons for not allowing proper contact with my DS?

*A few times over the years I put DS to bed in daytime clothes
*A few times 2 years ago I gave 'inappropriate school lunch' for DS (porridge with grated apple)
*my sanitary bin sometimes 'overflows' with sanitary towels because it doesn't have a lid (yes, XH took pictures of this for the social services and court)
*once I left broken glass in the bath for 2 weeks because the bathroom light broke - NB at this point XH was not allowing me proper contact with DS anyway and I personally don't take baths, only showers
*apparently I told DS that if I don't see him anymore I'll move to France (a flippant comment made re English weather)

*&oh and apparently I used to 'pull funny faces at XH and say things in a childlike manner like having a tantrum and point my finger in his face as if trying to antagonise a reaction'

anyway, I'm the worst mum in the world in the eyes of XH and deserve no more than minimal contact with DS according to XH's statements to court...

AIBU in thinking he's the one being unreasonable here? (There are some slightly more severe allegations too but they're IMO so clearly manipulated / outright lies that I'm not mentioning them here, it's more this kind of petty stuff that is sort-of-true that XH feels is crucial for the Judge to hear and that he keeps listing ad infinitum whenever he gets the opportunity)

[graphista]

You need to address the reasons why you're not being seen as a fit parent, and I don't mean on here I mean in real life. There are parenting classes, online courses, books, counselling...

Until you are willing to accept that you're not managing nothing will change. The courts will want to see that there's a change and that the environment he's living in is safe, stable and consistent.

And no none of us are perfect but there are basic safety and hygiene needs.

[BillSykesDog]

OP, if you want more contact with your son you need to change the way you look at these things. Rather than insisting that there's nothing wrong with leaving glass around the house with a child or having an overflowing bin and that it's good parenting you would probably be better off acknowledging that it wasn't great but that in future you are more aware of what you need to do to provide a safe environment.

If you speak to the court the way you have here (leaving broken glass for weeks is no danger, overflowing bins are fine) you are really going to damage your chances.

Leaving broken glass lying around is pretty horrendous, even without children in your home. It's really dangerous.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

I believe that statistics prove that UK courts are more pro-women than other countries but Ive also read enough on here to know that courts make decisions that I would never make as a judge.
It is creepy that your ex went as far as take a photo of your bin but hopefully you now realise that you need to start disposing of sanitary rubbish more frequently and remember to throw it out frequently when you have your period.

[FeralBeryl]

OP you have posted in AIBU, a very different part of the boards to Relationships.
You have also posted about some behaviours that a lot of people will not find conducive to safe, reassuring parenting.
You are bound to get some responses that are less than pleasing. No one is supporting DV, it's awful of you to imply otherwise.

The bin: menstrual blood smells once it comes into contact with the air. It is also very, very unappealing for a child to have to see every time he goes into the bathroom. No, you are not wrong to have a lidless bin, but you then need to empty it very regularly, or use disposal bags.

The bath glass: two things stand out for me - kids are unpredictable, he may well have decided to climb up to see out of a window/look at a spider.
He may have been running, slipped and fallen into the bath like I have
Either of these instances may have resulted in catastrophic injuries for him.
He also may have had an upset stomach and wanted to clean himself without telling you.

The fact that you didn't do a risk assessment of this, would concern me that you may fail to recognise other high risk situations.

The lunch: cold porridge is not nice. Just that.

The comment: I 'threatened' one of my kids with staying at Nanny's house (which they love and regularly demand to stay) because she was being a rascal.
She was absolutely hysterical and went on about it for days we don't realise the impact our 'off the cuff' remarks can have in them.

Doesn't your DP live with you? Does he not find any of your decisions odd?
Could he not reset the fuses too if you couldn't?
If you are responsible for a minor, you need to have contingency plans in place if you can't complete a task yourself. That would also stand out for me.

Instead of feeling attacked, try and examine the examples you have given, and try looking objectively and thinking less defensively 'would I do things differently?'

Because that's what being a parent is, we can't and don't get it all right all of the time, but we can try and learn from poor decisions for the next time.

[NumbNelly]

Classic.
Op: "AIBU"
MN: "YABU"
Op: "Nope I'm having it taken down"

[eyebrowsonfleek]

Is your DP NT? If he is, would he cast an eye on your ex's allegations and tell you the truth about how NT people (like a judge) would interpret the list?
I know that you are Aspie but the world is NT so understanding how NT people see things will help you in court and be a good parent. It sounds like you are using Aspergers as an excuse for not accepting that your actions make NT people raise an eyebrow. I think that in an NT world the approach that will help you with the legal process is to say "i did X because of Y but if this is wrong please could you explain why and what I should have done."

[user1475501383]

I'm asking MNHQ to take all my posts down, this thread and others.

NumbNelly, you really are a bully. Thank you for your effort to be extra nasty to a mother who has been through a lot.

But okay sorry I didn't bow down to your bullying.

Beat them when they're down, eh!

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

Please try to access RL support that can help you approach the custody battle in the best way possible. Contact Woman's Aid. You seem to have been in an abusive relationship and they have lots of experience of offering advice and support. They can also refer you to solicitors who are experienced in these areas.

[NumbNelly]

user
And exactly how am I a bully.
You asked for advice - you were given it. You didn't like it so you spat your dummy out. I'd hardly call that bullying. But you're a person who leaves glass in a bath and dirty sanitary items over flowing out your bin so obviously we don't see eye to eye.

[user1475501383]

NumbNelly, congrats! You are a better person than me!

I hope this great victorious feeling will last for the rest of your perfect life.

[LikeDylanInTheMovies]

I'm really sorry you didn't get the answers you wanted on his thread and couldn't take anything from it.

Although I hope you can see when you look at it in the cold light of day or when you are feeling at your most resilient, that you can see from the outside looking in, your setup doesn't look great. That whatever you think that outsiders who will make decisions about you son and you need to work with them rather than crying 'woe is me' or 'The world's against me' when you hear something you don't like. Quite rightly they won't care what injustices you feel, they are interested in what they think is best for your son.

If your ex is busily painting a picture of an unfit mother who is incapable of meeting the emotional or physical needs of her child and is self absorbed don't give him the ammunition.

[NumbNelly]

When have I said I'm perfect?
You asked for opinions on reasons you ex has cited for not allowing contact.
You were given opinions.
You didn't like them.
You spat out your dummy.

Instead of trying to do comebacks like "oh aren't you perfect" how about you put 4th at effort into providing a safe, clean' stavle home for your child. Like learn the basics about living alone - trips switches/bulb changes. Clean up after yourself. Keep the house hygeinic.
Can you not see that your ex has a point at all? Those two things alone are just bizarre. As is giving a child porridge for lunch. What child wants to eat 3+ hour old porridge?!

[bloodyteenagers]

What is it you want? For people to say

Oh we all have bins that are over flowing with used pads/tampax (people reading nothing wrong with not having a kid need to re-read. Huge difference with not having a lid and over flowing bin. One is acceptable, the other isn't). There is no excuse for this for it to happen more than once. Once ok it could happen. But more than once, come on that is really dirty.

Glass in the bath. You want to justify this rather than saying hands up, I made a mistake because regardless of how you try, there simply is no justification.

The porridge for lunch into school. Just why would you do that?

It has nothing to do with perfection, because no one is. It has nothing to do with people siding with your ex. It's about having standards and when you make mistakes you learn from them. Not try and justify them.

And I'm sorry but I also wonder the state of the rest of your home when you don't empty an important bin and fail to not bother cleaning a room for a week or two.

[LikeDylanInTheMovies]

If you're still reading please try and do one thing try and separate the message from the messenger. Based on what you've said I realise that your ex husband is an unpleasant, abusive and manipulative individual, but that doesn't mean that his concerns (whatever his motives for raising them) are without merit.


Flip things over. Imagine a friend told you that your exess loo had a bin filled to over flowing with semen encrusted tissues and it made the house smell of stale spunk. Valued to that he'd left razor sharp broken glass lying around for weeks where your son could have come to harm. Add in the fact that he had been getting cold lumpy porridge for his midday meal and school were concerned.

Honestly...

How would you react?

Would you really think he was doing a good enough job for your son or you could feel confident he was safe with his father?

[graphista]

The responses you've had here are as nothing compared to what a judge/many social workers would say! I too am thinking if anything you've likely minimised the real state of your home and approach to safety. Instead of going on the defensive with us address the situation. You want your son to live with you? LEARN what you need to

in terms of trip switches etc (I YouTube EVERYTHING I am rubbish at diy I even did that for hanging a picture!)
In terms of acceptable levels of hygiene for a home with a child in it
In terms of child safety in the home

As I said before (though I seem to be wasting my time) the resources are there for you to find this stuff out - this is one of them! If you'd taken a more open attitude you'd have received loads of support and signposting to more in real life.

If you take the same attitude in real life as you have here you will genuinely risk alienating those with the power to decide if and how often you see your son and I don't mean your ex.

[AyeAmarok]

Em, you're quite defensive.

People are trying to explain why these examples of behaviour are concerning. It would be better for you to take on board what they're saying and make changes. Some of the points raised are a bigger deal than you think they are. It's not bullying, you asked!

And what's with all the threads about threads?

[Clandestino]

Ahh! Good to know that the majority favours my DA ExH. It's a good reality check for me. That it's not ok to fail a bit at being a housework machine but it's totally okay to prevent a child from seeing their other parent and leave them homeless and shove them around etc.

I needed this. I've always been afraid of the judgement of others and sometimes I blindly hope that others are actually nice and understanding. But no. I needed to get real.

I do not engage in troll hunting. But for someone who claims to have Asperger's you are very good at being extremely sarcastic which from what I know they are pretty much uncapable of.

[Clandestino]

mariaalexander

I love your post. One knows Halloween is coming when even a thread about relationship and custody issues has some funny woo spells stuff in it. Hope the spell was in reversed Latin and there was a decapitated chicken there too otherwise ten points off.

[Thisjustinno]

Your ex husband has so much charm he's managed to get lots of 'school Mums' to write 'vicious' statements about you and got your friend to report you to the Police for harassment?. He's able to influence people he's not in relationships with to out and out lie to Government bodies?

[Lunar1]

How long has all this been going on?

[Balanced12]

I can't get over you were unsure I'd DS wanted you so you told him you were off to live in France in order to see his reaction. That is just plain nasty and not something you do, your child's feelings come first if they don't your contact should be limited

[Twixandlatte]

I honestly think you sound as if you are at the beginning of a breakdown which to me is completely understandable (I would be the same if my child was kept away from me and potentially brainwashed). You have a lot on your mind trying to win your son back that other stuff may seem not as important on the priority list because you have this huge task of winning him back but in order to do it you need to make sure that you do not overlook any of these small (from your perspective) details. You say your ExH is manipulative then there is no better way to beat him then making sure you run a very tight ship. As someone who as also suffered from depression it is very hard to see the woods from the trees. If coping with these things such as cleaning the house is unbearable to you at the moment you need to reach out to your support system and not be too proud to ask for help through this difficult time.

[user1471494124]

Leaving broken glass around is dangerous. What if DS fell in it, tried to play with it?

To be fair, you posted on AIBU, and people are answering with their honest opinions. That's what this board is for!

[Bruce02]

Op what did you want from this thread?

I am a mother and I have Aspergers. It's not easy and I don't always get it right (no one always gets it right). However your posts are concerning.

apparently I told DS that if I don't see him anymore I'll move to France (a flippant comment made re English weather)

What do you mean by 'apparently'? You seem to hint that exh is making this up, but also seem to admit that you said it. It's an awful thing to say but you don't seem to take responsibility for it. It's concerning that you think telling your child you would leave the country is an ok thing to do and your exh is turning it into something it's not.

Regarding the glass, you should always clear up glass. Regardless of where it is, especially when kids are about. Leaving broken glass about is not safe and isn't ok.

Cold Porridge is not a lunch. Bins should not be overflowing. Any bins.

The fact that you really think what you have listed isn't that bad and don't really want to hear that it is, is making you come across as though you don't really know how to care for your son.

In all honesty I would be extremely concerned about my child when they were with you. And you say there are far more serious allegations which (from what I understand) you think are exaggerated. Going from what you have written here I think there is a good chance that the more serious allegations, are serious but you just won't recognise it.

Aspergers or not, these things are concerning. People with Aspergers can be as good parents as anyone else. But if your Aspergers is stopping you from recognising when you aren't providing appropriate care for your son, I think you need support. Perhaps parenting classes or something.