AIBU to think ExH is BU?

[user1475501383]

ExH's circus of child arrangement proceedings came to town again today... He filed papers for domestic abuse. (So did I by the way)

AIBU in thinking these are stupid reasons for not allowing proper contact with my DS?

*A few times over the years I put DS to bed in daytime clothes
*A few times 2 years ago I gave 'inappropriate school lunch' for DS (porridge with grated apple)
*my sanitary bin sometimes 'overflows' with sanitary towels because it doesn't have a lid (yes, XH took pictures of this for the social services and court)
*once I left broken glass in the bath for 2 weeks because the bathroom light broke - NB at this point XH was not allowing me proper contact with DS anyway and I personally don't take baths, only showers
*apparently I told DS that if I don't see him anymore I'll move to France (a flippant comment made re English weather)

*&oh and apparently I used to 'pull funny faces at XH and say things in a childlike manner like having a tantrum and point my finger in his face as if trying to antagonise a reaction'

anyway, I'm the worst mum in the world in the eyes of XH and deserve no more than minimal contact with DS according to XH's statements to court...

AIBU in thinking he's the one being unreasonable here? (There are some slightly more severe allegations too but they're IMO so clearly manipulated / outright lies that I'm not mentioning them here, it's more this kind of petty stuff that is sort-of-true that XH feels is crucial for the Judge to hear and that he keeps listing ad infinitum whenever he gets the opportunity)

FeedMe, I'm one of the least house proud people in the world but even I wouldn't leave my kitchen bin longer than two days! And sanitary towels festering for two weeks is rank. It's bodily fluid and that's really unhygienic. Plus forgetting glass overnight while no children are there is very different from a bath full of glass for two weeks. I don't think you're doing the OP any favours by telling her this is okay. People do things differently, but maintaining basic hygiene and safety is the same no matter who you are.

Never had flies or maggots in my bins, bathroom or kitchen. Kitchen goes out once a week, bathrooms once a fortnight.

Um, porridge is heated oats in milk. Bircher muesli is soaked raw oats. The OP said cold porridge. Which is cold porridge, not Bircher muesli. And cold porridge conceals. Cold porridge is cold porridge. Not Bircher muesli. And anyway, Bircher muesli is not a suitable lunch either, it would only be suitable with a sandwich or similar. Not as a lunch on its own.

Who says something like that to there own child even in a "flippant" way? It is wrong to say to a child that you will move away, it's actually a very nasty thing to say. Children will remember things like that being said to them for a long time
How much do people project on these threads? Context if everything.
I told DD I'd tape her mouth shut last night. She laughed, as in the context and delivery she knew it was a joke.
And regardless of what the MN jury think a judge isn't going to restrict contact on the basis of 1 incident of cold porridge (Birchers or otherwise) and a comment about moving to France, there'doesn't need to be a he'll of a lot more going on then over flowing sanitary bins and a bath being out of action when the child wasn't even there.
Refusing to provide her with her plane ticket home is much more of a red flag then pulling funny faces and saying things in a childish voice.
Jeesh.

Op I'm coming at this from both sides.

On the one hand, I left an abusive relationship. I totally, 100% know what it is like to question everything, not be able to see what is right or wrong clearly because you've spent so long being told what to think.

On the other hand, I am currently restricting ExH's access because of the violence but also because of the state of his house and how he keeps it and his understanding of what is safe for the children.

Everything you do will be used against you, so you need to be thinking about it from his perspective at all times.

I don't think the things you describe sound great, but I do understand the place you are in.

Do everything you can to show you are taking it seriously, clean house, parenting classes. Everything.

Good luck.

You want to be with your child then you need to take a different approach as the one you've got going on now isn't helping you. Shut down your EXH arguments by putting your hands up and saying yes I recognise that I showed bad judgement in some areas and now I know I will do things differently. Take a parenting course. Show them that you are taking responsibility. Get good legal representation.
We don't have to be identikit parents but you need to show that you've got the basics covered.

I really feel for you. You are clearly having a very difficult time of it. Dealing with people's judgement when you are feeling good is hard enough but when you are having such a hard time it's particularly awful.

Please take everything I say as kindly meant. The things you mention mostly do sound fairly trivial in themselves but what they could amount to could possibly be significant. On the face of it wearing day clothes in bed or eating porridge for lunch seems unimportant but they can signal a degree of chaos or lack of care to the child. Putting children to bed in cosy pyjamas or giving them a nice packed lunch are ways of indicating love and concern. I do not for one moment mean to say you do not love or care about your son but when one is feeling (justifiably overwhelmed) one can overlook these things. Adults can laugh about being so busy they eat cereal for tea children should not have to.

I am far, far from perfect and make mistakes everyday. However, I grew up in a very chaotic home so I'm trying to give you a child's perspective. My mother loved me beyond all measure but often did things like send me somewhere in the wrong clothes (home clothes rather than school uniform) gave us breakfast at teatime, didn't keep a clean home, etc. It gave me a feeling of chaos which I can still remember very clearly and I envied my friends from more structured homes. As an adult I know she was having a horrendous time and doing the best she could but as a child it was tough.

Don't be afraid to ask for help/support. We all need it.

OP I don't understand why you think you're being bullied, the responses here have been quite mild for AIBU lately.

Your ex clearly wants custody of your DS, and of course, he's only going to mention specific examples (in his opinion) of why the home you provide isn't as good as the home he provides.

I think you've been hurt because the consensus here is that those specific examples are pretty bad, and either gross or irresponsible. You didn't expect this result, and instead of thinking 'dang, I didn't realise it was that bad - I'd better fix this if I want a better custody arrangement', you think everyone is siding with the ex, which is not the case at all.

OP, I really think you should listen to everyone here because most are genuinely trying to warn you that those things are not normal. And if they're brought up in a custody hearing, it'll be far better for you to admit that wasn't your best parenting and you've made real changes - than to deny they were bad things to do/say.

Sweets, as a few of us said upthread, most of these things are okay as a one off if you're in a real bind. But the problem is that the OP thinks these events are absolutely fine. And they're not being presented to the judge in isolation.

As a one off they're probably okay. But when looked at with the other issues like the glass they're part of a pattern of behaviour of someone who is not coping well and isn't trying to deal with it but thinks it's okay and and so will see nothing wrong with doing the same going forwards. And she said herself the porridge wasn't a one off. Plus people at school are worried enough to give statements and there are more serious allegations.

Telling the OP she is fine and nothing has to change is awful advice which will probably only succeed in helping her lose her son and have contact minimised.

If the bin hadn't been overflowing with sanitary products you might have put the glass in there rather than the bath tub.

I think used sanitary products overflowing out of a bin is very unhygienic and I would find it disgusting.

You asked and people answered, sorry you don't like the answers but I would certainly be supporting your ex in this situation.

And regardless of what the MN jury think a judge isn't going to restrict contact on the basis of 1 incident of cold porridge (Birchers or otherwise) and a comment about moving to France

No.

They may however if all these incidences add up.

Plus there is the worse stuff that OP has talked about but not given details of.

there are more serious allegations
And if he has any evidence of these then that would be a cause for concern.
But, the list she has supplied is silly and is petty and doesn't suggest she is such a poor parent as to warrant her having limited contact with her child.

And if he has any evidence of these then that would be a cause for concern.

Yes he has the. It is talked about in the OP.

*them.

There are some slightly more severe allegations too but they're IMO so clearly manipulated / outright lies that I'm not mentioning them here, it's more this kind of petty stuff that is sort-of-true that XH feels is crucial for the Judge to hear and that he keeps listing ad infinitum whenever he gets the opportunity)

Here? Or in the OP of one of the other threads?

I think the problems regarding housekeeping should be easily sorted. Eg, all bins are emptied say every day / every two days, all glass is cleared up as soon as possible.

Daytime clothes in bed - not a big deal, but could depend on circumstances.

Making a flippant comment to a child - not a big deal to us, and I regularly open my mouth to change feet. But to a child this could be huge. All you can do is keep reiterating to your child that you hate the weather but would put up with everything to be with him, and how wonderful it is to walk/run/play in any type of weather with him.

My major concern is regarding your attitude to people on this thread. You posted here looking for opinions and when you got them you either attacked the poster, were sarcastic or played the bullying card. This type of response will go against you in every court of law. No matter whether you agree with the person or not you have to find a way of saying, "I'm listening to what you're saying, I will think about it and change my position if it's appropriate".

When NT people tell us we're wrong we have to stop, think and wonder are they right without dismissing it out of hand.

OP I have a ds with autism who is very literal, I can understand that to you leaving the glass in the bath seemed reasonable but not clearing it up the next day is very strange................most people consider broken glass as hazardous and something to be cleared away as soon as possible regardless of who is or isn't around. You knew the glass would need to be cleared up but left it there..............I think your ex is using this to try to demonstrate that you may have a lack of awareness of danger by not removing a potential hazard.

I think you are focusing too much on the individual detail of what he is claiming rather than the overall impression he is trying to portray of you as a parent. Try not to let yourself be drawn into arguing over whether or not the bin should have a lid but try to concentrate on showing that you offer a safe, stable and loving environment for your child.

Op I stopped reading the comments after page 3 as I was horrified so if I repeat something that has already been said I apologise. I read your link back to your other thread and I want you to focus on what you said there. Your gp and the first court report don't have issues with your parenting despite his more serious allegations and that is really important. You have a good bond with your son but he doesn't want to spend more than one night but that can change, if you get the access arrangements worked out that you are having regular contact not controlled by exh your relationship can and most likely will improve. The glass situation ok not great but it wasn't being used and I think you are realising that others view that differently (although some comments are just horrible) so you simply need to take a draw a line I may do things differently attitude to address it. If a judge sees that you have seen you may change an issue what more can you do. Daytime clothes for bed? My dd pesters for this occasionally so what?

Am I the only person who thinks DH taking pics of the broken glass/bin rather than removing them and explaining why to the OP is a bit odd?

The only advice I can offer, OP, is to agree to whatever suggestions are made in order to 'improve' your parenting skills. Show a willingness to engage with help and support, even if you feel it is unnecessary.

More infuriating (for me) are the sweeping generalizations made about autism and Aspergers on this thread. My son has ASD and every professional we have worked with, says that they have never seen two children with a diagnosis who fit the same 'criteria'. The school mum who considers herself an 'expert' because she has a child with ASD is clearly lacking in knowledge about the condition, and self-awareness, to boot.

I've also just read through your other thread. I'd advise PPs who have been quick to assume the exDH is the more 'suitable' parent, to do the same....

Sounds like an emotionally abusive and very manipulative man, both to you and DS.

Am I the only person who thinks DH taking pics of the broken glass/bin rather than removing them and explaining why to the OP is a bit odd?

It seems like their relationship would be too tense and adversarial for that. Given that the op has been adamant there's no problem with her housekeeping or parenting throughout this thread, it is unlikely she'd have been in a mood to listen to a lecture from her estranged husband.

It isn't his responsibility. Her flat = her responsibility to keep it clean and safe. I would want to deal with an overflowing bin full of someone else's used sanitary products.

From her perspective I also wouldn't appreciate an estranged partner helping themselves to the dustpan and brush and starting to set out cleaning regimes.

Thanks a lot for your comments. This has been an eye opener.

I get that the stuff I have done as described here is not ideal. Obviously, I want to not do that again, so I very much appreciate the practical advice and links to sites I'd never heard of that seem very important. Thanks a lot!

I have to say that I would have happily discussed XH's concerns in mediation, but he declined it again and again, instead eventually stopping contact between me and DS. (Now contact is back which is a huge relief.)

This certainly goes to show there are more than one side to every story. My XH's case is that I'm an incompetent parent who cannot provide for DS without XH's supervision. I can see how these things pain a picture of that.

On the other hand, I am super careful with real risks to DS and as I said before, he's gotten to some accidents with XH but never on my watch. I haven't brought these up in court as it would be tit for tat. What I have brought up recently is the DA allegations because I started to think that I should bring them to the court's attention because they might affect how DS is parented in the care of XH.

But ultimately, who knows. I know someone will accuse me again of getting defensive here, but I have done many things for DS that go over and above what is the 'standard' of parenting. All the time. As most good parents do! yet, most good parents make mistakes too. As far as I'm aware from what I have witnessed, anyway!

I think what it comes down to is a difference in parenting priorities. Some people have household things as a high priority. Say, the of the school mums on XH's side, for example. They are better than me in that respect. But something's always got to give, and they all treat their children in ways that I highly disapprove of (although I have always hidden my judgement from them as I'm a live and let live type of person).

I'm just going to explain here what I mean. One mum divorced and made sure nobody told her children her parents are divorcing, even when the father had moved out and lived away for months. I thought it was really disturbing that she wanted to keep it secret when obviously the children witnessed the father disappearing from the home. Another attacked her teenage child with freshly baked cupcakes and boasted about this to me, saying how her DS had been intolerable. I was shocked. A third one... well, she lets her teenage daughter take the underwear and bikini pictures she posts on the internet. From her witness statement I learned that her daughter now has anxiety and depression - I have to say, it didn't surprise me, her daughter seemed very much the sensitive type when I had known her. I'm glad my mother gave me a different example of a woman, even though XH used to blame her for not having taught me housekeeping skills.

Nobody is perfect. I shall mention the obvious which I may have neglected before but obviously I am not proud of these incidents. I just think it's rather petty for Xh to keep relisting them when we could have moved forward and done something positive for DS with the £££s that have gone on court proceedings. I believe all of these concerns could have at least first been tried to address in mediation, but XH kept declining it. I do not know why. Perhaps he got advice on an online forum that he is so obviously the 'better parent' that DS doesn't really need his mum more than a bare minimum.

Thanks for the supportive words.

I just wanted to say that I think the things you have mentioned are not worthy of you loosing contact with your DS. The sanitary towels and glass are not great but is everyone on here really a perfect housewife. I hope you are getting support form your DP and help if you need it with your AS.

From reading the other threads it sounds like there is a bitter custody battle with allegations coming from both sides. None of us can tell which side is telling the truth, BUT - given that the father has the DS most of the time and the OP has health problems it does sound like she has ground to make up as far as convincing the courts she is an equally good parent goes. Telling her this is all fine because some posters think that means they're being 'nice' because it's what the OP wants to hear doesn't make it good advice.

The best thing for the OP to do is show that she can provide a safe clean environment for her son. Advising her she doesn't need to do things like cleaning up broken glass just because you sympathise with her doesn't stop it from being terrible advice.

How these other people parent their children is totally irrelevant to your parenting of your son. And you are not managing risk if you leave glass lying around for two weeks.

I have to say, I think there is much more to this story than you're letting on. I appreciate that you have aspergers. But there is something really off about your posting style, e.g. Multiple threads on same subject at same time. You don't come across as being entirely stable and I wonder if that comes across during proceedings too? From what you've posted it does appear that most people including your parents seem to find you have a somewhat difficult personality. Do you think perhaps getting more support for your AS and coping with the difficulties it presents you with might mean that you are better able to cope with it and minimise the impact on your son? Because the way you come across does suggest that perhaps your exes concerns aren't totally unfounded.