Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

AIBU?

AIBU to think ExH is BU?

171 replies

user1475501383 · 27/10/2016 00:39

ExH's circus of child arrangement proceedings came to town again today... He filed papers for domestic abuse. (So did I by the way)

AIBU in thinking these are stupid reasons for not allowing proper contact with my DS?

*A few times over the years I put DS to bed in daytime clothes
*A few times 2 years ago I gave 'inappropriate school lunch' for DS (porridge with grated apple)
*my sanitary bin sometimes 'overflows' with sanitary towels because it doesn't have a lid (yes, XH took pictures of this for the social services and court)
*once I left broken glass in the bath for 2 weeks because the bathroom light broke - NB at this point XH was not allowing me proper contact with DS anyway and I personally don't take baths, only showers
*apparently I told DS that if I don't see him anymore I'll move to France (a flippant comment made re English weather)

*&oh and apparently I used to 'pull funny faces at XH and say things in a childlike manner like having a tantrum and point my finger in his face as if trying to antagonise a reaction'

anyway, I'm the worst mum in the world in the eyes of XH and deserve no more than minimal contact with DS according to XH's statements to court...

AIBU in thinking he's the one being unreasonable here? (There are some slightly more severe allegations too but they're IMO so clearly manipulated / outright lies that I'm not mentioning them here, it's more this kind of petty stuff that is sort-of-true that XH feels is crucial for the Judge to hear and that he keeps listing ad infinitum whenever he gets the opportunity)

OP posts:

Report

user1475501383 · 27/10/2016 01:29

Ahh! Good to know that the majority favours my DA ExH. It's a good reality check for me. That it's not ok to fail a bit at being a housework machine but it's totally okay to prevent a child from seeing their other parent and leave them homeless and shove them around etc.

I needed this. I've always been afraid of the judgement of others and sometimes I blindly hope that others are actually nice and understanding. But no. I needed to get real.

OP posts:

CaptainCabinets · 27/10/2016 01:29

Yes I'm not perfect -

There's a huge difference between not being perfect and leaving broken glass and soiled sanitary products lying around. And if you can't clear those up, who's to say you'll clean up other hazardous or dirty things?

You've said you are deliberately omitting the 'more serious' allegations - is that because they're true? Based on what you've told us and what you've told us you are leaving out, I would be inclined to think that perhaps DS is already with the more competent parent.

user1475501383 · 27/10/2016 01:31

Crisp - my DS does not volunteer to have a bath or a shower! He generally dislikes it and it has to be sold to him as a game.

Besides, he knows full well what his bath days (as assigned by ExH) are, he refuses to have baths on other days.

But - as you asked - if he had requested to have a bath or shower, I would have of course cleaned up the glass immediately. Not that you're going to believe me.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/10/2016 01:33

Cross-post re the glass. So, "the whole flat went dark" not just the bathroom - the fuse went? I would go to the fuse box and flip it back on. Clear the glass as best I could if I couldn't fit a new bulb. Not by putting it into the bath but by putting it onto a newspaper, which I would then use to wrap the glass securely so as to not risk the binman being cut. Wear shoes into the bathroom until daylight, then recheck all glass cleared. So at most, it would take me until the next morning. I honestly cannot imagine leaving broken glass in my bath for a week. What if I forgot it was there, distractedly got into the tub for a shower and stood on it?

Now, thinking about why I would do all that, I'd say it is because I imagine what could go wrong and I take steps o prevent it happening. Doesn't matter that there's, for example, no risk of me forgetting the glass was there - my head automatically plans for worst case scenario. Do you work that way? See dangers and avoid them? If not, could this be what your ex is driving at?

user1475501383 · 27/10/2016 01:33

Thanks Captain,

Thanks for your assumption! Wonderful - women's hatred towards other women. How dare you assume it... I guess I put myself in this position.

Check out this thread if you wanna know what the nature of allegations are on both sides... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2747219-ExH-applying-for-sole-custody-Im-miserable

This discussion is really opening my eyes!

OP posts:

RedBullBlood · 27/10/2016 01:33

It doesn't really matter how judgmental people on MN are though, does it? But do you not worry that the people who can make decisions regarding the future of your contact with ds might see things the same way as the posters here?

user1477282676 · 27/10/2016 01:34

OP you really need to just listen objectively to some of the advice.

Sanitary towels need to be put in outside bin immediately...if it's dark or raining, I wrap mine up and pop in a bag in bathroom bin till next morning...then they go out.

Don't just put them in bathroom unwrapped. It's gross.

Glass in tub.

This is potentially dangerous because your DS could have gone in and picked some up.

CaptainCabinets · 27/10/2016 01:38

Women's hatred towards other women

So because I agree with your ex, I hate other women?

You sound unstable, to say the least. I absolutely stand by my assumption that your DS is probably safer with his Dad.

user1475501383 · 27/10/2016 01:39

Thanks WhereYouLeftIt (you know where I left it LOL)

That's a good analysis, nice to have some reason here not just womanly one-upmanship and beating women who are already down.

This could well be what Xh is driving at. Personally, it would not have been within the realm of possibility to not see the glass, there was a lot of it once I got it all in the tub! And I put the bathroom mat there too because I couldn't hoover because no electricity because blown fuse.

I didn't know how to do the fuse box thing, I'd never had to do that and I was nervous of getting electrocuted so asked a friend to help the next day.

I do feel I plan for dangers in the way you describe. Sure, I'm not perfect, but I do try my best to keep DS safe as nothing else comes close to me in importance. At the same time, I've tried not to become a full fledged overprotective neurotic, which I could easily become, and I need to check my tendencies for this regularly (my mother was very overprotective and I feel it left me quite ... unindependent and insecure --- probably explains why I was and am scared of lifting the fuse box thing, my mum didn't allow me to do anything like that growing up, or even smaller things)

OP posts:

user1475501383 · 27/10/2016 01:42

Thanks Captain - explain to me from your almighty perspective how I sound unstable to say the least.

Personally, I would never pass judgement like that on someone based on these kind of details (which include DA).

But it's a learning experience. I did ask to be judged didn't I. Yes I did.

OP posts:

user1475501383 · 27/10/2016 01:43

Thanks user1477282676

But if the bin isn't full? I don't get the point in emptying it if it's not full?

And it's not smelling either. Although ExH of course has in the past claimed it has. But my DP has been a witness to those times and said it didn't.

The circus continues...

OP posts:

user1475501383 · 27/10/2016 01:45

RedBullBlood, you're absolutely right, and yes I do worry of course! Hence I have done a lot of home improvement since these events took place. Some of them took place 5-6 years ago. The 'latest news' just a bit under a year.

OP posts:

Peanutandphoenix · 27/10/2016 01:46

Fgs stop being so bloody judgmental the poor girl Aspergers and probably doesn't see the danager in some things like leaving glass in the bath or having a bin with no lid like other people do that doesn't make her a bad person or a terrible parent I highly doubt all you judgemental bastards are completely perfect.

user1475501383 · 27/10/2016 01:48

Aww thank you Peanutandphoenix you made me feel somewhat warm inside

OP posts:

CaptainCabinets · 27/10/2016 01:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

user1475501383 · 27/10/2016 01:50

Awaiting for the next poster to say asperger's makes me an unfit mum. Join the club with my Exh! In fact, he's single....

OP posts:

CaptainCabinets · 27/10/2016 01:50

So just because she has Aspergers, it's absolutely fine to leave a child in an environment where there is broken glass in areas he might visit? It's not safe because it's clear that she cannot identify potential risks to her son.

user1475501383 · 27/10/2016 01:51

CaptainCabinets, please explain how it was harmful for my DS who was 8 then. Not a toddler. Quite an intelligent 8 year old too if I'm allowed to say.

OP posts:

CaptainCabinets · 27/10/2016 01:53

Aspergers or no Aspergers, that is not a safe place for a child to be. I'll probably get flamed for being 'disablist' (my sister is autistic, so this is not a opinion formed in ignorance), but having Aspergers doesn't give you a free pass to put your kid in harm's way.

user1475501383 · 27/10/2016 01:56

CaptainCabinets, again I ask you to answer my question. You said I cannot rationalise. IMO you cannot rationalise. I am asking you to provide a rational argument to what exact danger did that pose to my DS in the circumstances I have already described.

Ahh, a school mum has an autistic son and wrote a statement to court saying how I (User) cannot see my DS more than in short doses because AUTISM.

You know, autism and aspergers are kinda different... it's a wide spectrum.

I was only diagnosed 2 years ago. Would never have been diagnosed if I hadn't first read up on it and noticed that I should seek diagnosis.

You know they say 'you've met one person with aspergers? that means you've met one person with asperger's.' Same applies to autism I'm guessing.

OP posts:

CaptainCabinets · 27/10/2016 01:57

If you can't understand how it wasn't safe, there is your answer. I've already spelled it out several times, though. You cleaned it up and put it in the bath. Broken glass doesn't belong in the bath, it belongs in the bin. Anything could have happened - I once fainted in the bathroom at the age of 20 and face planted in the bath. What if there had been broken glass in there?

And what about the next time you fail to identify a risk and something does happen, heaven forbid?

user1475501383 · 27/10/2016 01:58

FYI I was the main carer of DS until he went to school, then XH started participating more, about 40% of time.

It's only when he threw me out (didn't allow on plane) that he started being DS's main carer.

It's interesting that DS has suffered some injuries while in XH's company (head crack etc) but not so in mine, throughout the years.

OP posts:

Kiwiinkits · 27/10/2016 01:58

Sorry, but I think that not cleaning up glass and sanitary products is very weird. I would see it as the tip of an iceberg of other dodgy parenting. I think most other posters here share this view.

user1475501383 · 27/10/2016 01:59

Thank you for answering the question. It is certainly a valid point. Something could have happened. I'm trying to understand.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/10/2016 02:00

"I do feel I plan for dangers in the way you describe."
And yet the glass remained in the bathtub for a week. I honestly wouldn't do that. But you did, presumably because you did not consider it to need doing. Yet everyone else on this thread would consider that it needed doing and treat it as a priority. That's what we're trying to get across to you.

I'm not judging you. I'm pointing out that you do not prioritise things that everyone else (at least, everyone on this thread) would. So given that everyone here would deal with broken glass ASAP - can you consider that you not prioritising disposing of it safely could be seen as a problem?

Ditto the sanitary bin. Blood smells, and anything that smells, as well as being - y'know, smelly - can attract vermin. Not a pleasant thought. I use cheapo nappy sacks to wrap them, then straight into the outside bin. The thought of an open overflowing sanitary bin is pretty gross to me, and I imagine tomost people. So again, your reaction to the sanitary bin is not typical of most people.

So I know I'm extrapolating from just these two examples, but they are similar in that you don't see the problem where I think most people would automatically see the problem. Your 'take' is different. That might not be a problem for most scenarios, but it is in these two.

I'm not judging. I am pointing out to you the possibility that the way you handle some things could be lacking.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.