AIBU to think ExH is BU?

[user1475501383]

ExH's circus of child arrangement proceedings came to town again today... He filed papers for domestic abuse. (So did I by the way)

AIBU in thinking these are stupid reasons for not allowing proper contact with my DS?

*A few times over the years I put DS to bed in daytime clothes
*A few times 2 years ago I gave 'inappropriate school lunch' for DS (porridge with grated apple)
*my sanitary bin sometimes 'overflows' with sanitary towels because it doesn't have a lid (yes, XH took pictures of this for the social services and court)
*once I left broken glass in the bath for 2 weeks because the bathroom light broke - NB at this point XH was not allowing me proper contact with DS anyway and I personally don't take baths, only showers
*apparently I told DS that if I don't see him anymore I'll move to France (a flippant comment made re English weather)

*&oh and apparently I used to 'pull funny faces at XH and say things in a childlike manner like having a tantrum and point my finger in his face as if trying to antagonise a reaction'

anyway, I'm the worst mum in the world in the eyes of XH and deserve no more than minimal contact with DS according to XH's statements to court...

AIBU in thinking he's the one being unreasonable here? (There are some slightly more severe allegations too but they're IMO so clearly manipulated / outright lies that I'm not mentioning them here, it's more this kind of petty stuff that is sort-of-true that XH feels is crucial for the Judge to hear and that he keeps listing ad infinitum whenever he gets the opportunity)

It's unsafe leaving broken glass lying round. It's bloody disgusting leaving a sanitary bin overflowing. You might not smell it but it will stink.
Aspergers is no excuse and I think it's pretty low to try and use that. You asked if YABU and you are. You can't just drip feed and expect answers to change.
Not being able to use trip switches (which is ridiculous in the first place) is no excuse for shoving broken glass in the bath.

Kiwiinkits, thanks for your views. If it is tip of the iceberg, why isn't XH mentioning the iceberg then?

He makes some allegations about my physical abuse towards him when I was in fact trying to escape when he was pinning me against the bed / wall. This I can, I believe and hope, easily explain in court.

What I have described here is pretty much the extent of the list of my faults as a parent according to ExH. I am just trying to make sense of it. I can assure you, though, XH is using every stick he can to beat me with and these are currently his strongest concerns.

I would like to know what assumptions you make about me and my parenting based on these 'facts'. It would interest me very much.

I know they are different, but they have traits in common which is why it is known as a spectrum disorder.

Who said I met one person with autism? I mentioned one for argument's sake. I've encountered several auties and aspies and people with various other LDs through my line of work and through my sister's school but that's irrelevant to the discussion.

I've rehashed my point several times but the point of your post seemed to be "only comment if you think my ex is horrible and I should be vindicated."

Every YABU comment you have received has been met with self-pitying responses from you and it's actually rather boring to read. I'll bid you adieu now if that's alright.

NumbNelly, where did I use asperger's as an excuse?

I'm proud of my aspergers. I have my academic career at a top university to thank for it.

Wow some of you are being SO harsh here! The sanitary thing is a none issue, so her bin doesn't have a lid, it's hardly crime of the century! I don't have a bathroom bin at all just have a bin bag in the corner between sink and bath and everything goes in there (loo roll tubes, toilet roll packaging, latex gloves, dull razor blade heads, empty toiletry bottles, all bathroom waste) until it's full and is put in the outside rubbish. Yes, that goes for used sanitary towels (when i had periods, implant stopped those) but still my daily sanitary liners go in it. Never had an issue with smells, and as someone who is germphobic with severe OCD it's not a "dirty" thing to do or health hazard, to an adult or a child, its not like a 9 year old is going to go rumaging in a bathroom bin FGS!
As for the glass, she alreay explained the bath/shower wasn't in use at the time. Ok leaving the glass wasn't ideal but she knows her child, if there was no likelihood the child would go get in the bath then she was hardly putting him in danger. She didn't leave it in the middle of the floor! I'm guilty of knocking over a glass, clearing up what i think is all of it, then spotting a chunk in a corner and thinking "I'll get that later" every time i see it because i'm in the middle of something when i notice, then forget. We all do little things like this, and having a MH problem myself i'm probably more sympathetic to the Aspergers than most, but for goodness sake she's hardly a bad mum or adanger to her child and her EX is being a right peice of manipulative work! Good luck getting more access to your child OP, you both deserve it.

Ahh thanks MissVictoria. I was just going to close the MN chapter in my life, but you made me have a bit more faith. Thank you for understanding.

Sorry but reading this and your other thread I think your son better off with his father.

Some of the things you've said on both don't ring true and you've said you're not giving us the whole picture anyway.

It's incredibly rare for a father to be allowed to be the primary carer, even where a mother has been outright abusive, in the UK. One of the few times sexism works against men. Any ONE of the things you listed if that were a stand alone issue would not be a major cause of concern (with the exception of the glass in the bath tub, personally I'd never have put it in bath tub in first place - nightmare to clean it from there properly especially tiny pieces and you and your son then at risk if future injury to bare feet/skin).

A social worker would view a chaotic, unhygienic environment with potential safety hazards as indicative of a wider problem.

I have Aspergers and wouldn't do what you did with regards to the sanitary towel/glass.

With the glass I would transfer onto newspaper, wrap it and dispose in bin. Not doing it for a week or two is bizarre. It's like a 5 minute job.

The glass is a danger to your son. Children are impulsive/inquisitive and do unexpected things like climb into a bath tub when there's no water inside or want to study a pile of broken glass.

Sanitary towels smell after a day or two. They are in the bin 24 hours max (and I hate housework) Dont you get flies in the summer?

Your ex sounds abusive (using your Aspergers as emotional blackmail), chopping and changing contact without notice etc but to an NT, your behaviour seems strange too e.g. Not getting on the plane (a NT would get on the plane but ask to be moved or simply ignore ex as he can't prevent you getting on) Do you know anyone in real life who could analyse your ex's list so you can work out how outrageous his claims are are be prepared to explain them in court if it's genuinely an Aspie view on the matter that has led you to act different from an NT?

But 8 year olds are unpredictable. Broken glass is harmful full stop. You should have cleaned it up as soon as practicably able. If you had been a single woman living on your own then you could clean up when you liked but when you have a child to consider, you need to do the "right" thing particularly when you have residency issues with your child.

No one is hammering you or 'women bashing women' or anything like that. No one is saying women with Aspergers are unfit to be mums. You are in a custody dispute, your ex has cited things that concern him and suggest in his mind that your contact should be less. On The basis of what you've said,many here say they can see his point. It would be exactly the same if the genders were reversed.

The putting to bed in day clothes occasionally wouldn't bother me but all the others would. Porridge for lunch? That's presumably been made that morning? That's vile. I agree with everyone else about the sanitary bin and glass. It raises wider concerns.

Graphista, we're in the middle of child arrangement proceedings. Nobody has decided anything yet or 'allowed him to be primary carer'...
He got the upper hand when I was forced to move out.

With regards to the daytime clothes, if it is occasional I don't see a problem with that. If I have been travelling back with DS in the evening time and he falls asleep on the way back I have done this to avoid waking him, my parents also did the same on occasion with me as a child, I don't see the harm in that if there is a legitimate reason and it's once in a blue moon. I don't see the courts/SS taking that with more than a pinch of salt at all.

With the school lunches - was there the facility for the porridge to be reheated? Cold porridge seems to go like cement otherwise. And was that his entire lunch? Was there a reason for it (i.e. Your DS was a fussy eater and that was what he would agree to eat at the time)?

In your OP you said your exh had pictures of an overflowing bin, but later on said you didn't understand the problem with not emptying it until it was full. If it was a bin with a few sanitary products in it rather than an overflowing one then I wouldn't view that as overly unreasonable - personally I only empty it once a day for sanitary products though do use the cheap scented nappy bags at each disposal.

With regards to the glass - personally I would have panicked that DS may attempt to clean it up himself. My DS often tries to help with clearing up and would have thought he was being helpful. He's also up before me. I can understand leaving it overnight as it was dark with no proper light but I would have wrapped it in kitchen roll, put it in a bag and then hoovered as best as I could and dealt with it in the morning. I do have a bit of an OTT reaction to broken glass though as it freaks me out a bit (I realise that's a bit weird) so I might not be the best person to comment on that!

Although you said you explained to your DS immediately afterwards that you didn't mean the France comment, if I was the courts/social services your motivation behind the comment as you've written it would concern me. I don't think it's healthy for a child if a parent seeks reassurance in that way from them. Especially presuming he's aware that living in another country could be a real possibility in his mind as you mention flying back to the uk.

I also think it's important for anyone as an adult to know basic household things - i.e. Fuse boxes/basic DIY/changing a lightbulb/knowing whether the stop cock is etc, let alone an adult living alone responsible for a child. Looking at it objectively combined with the bigger picture your exh is trying to build, that would also concern me.

I've tried to write this from an objective view, not a judgey one as that's what the court will do. They're not interested in what will/won't upset you or your exh they are purely there to act in the best interests of your child and that's what they'll do. Often when it gets to this point, however hard it is for you (and I truly accept it is horrid) they can see things more objectively. Sorry you're having a hard time OP

' If it is tip of the iceberg, why isn't XH mentioning the iceberg then?'

You yourself said he HAS raised more serious issues - which YOU don't want to tell us. Your choice but then it's our choice to think 'well what's she hiding?'

Thanks very much for your thoughtful response eyebrowsonfleek.

Regarding the plane thing BTW, he had the tickets and before leaving for airport he said he's not going to allow me to board. I didn't know, and still don't know, what else I could have done at that point. I begged and pleaded. He refused. I then made arrangements to fly back separately next day and last minute XH said I'm allowed to come, by which point I said it was too late as I had made arrangements.

But the judgement here has been eye opening. Perhaps I do need to get used to the idea of losing my relationship with my son, if I am thus judged for these things.

Right op I'm not being horrible or wanting to join a pile on but here's some sincerely offered advice, albeit some you might not want to hear...

I appreciate that Aspergers makes parenting harder than it would otherwise be and you will find tasks harder than some people. But then from what you've written it doesn't sound like you home is a safe and welcoming place for your son. I really don't think it is on that children should be forced to inhabit unsafe and unsanitary living conditions, which is how it sounds to outsiders ( and remember the people making the decisions are outsiders)

Some of the stuff is really beyond the pale for a home you expect to have a child in and surely the 'moving to France ' comment whilst off the cuff doesn't sound great and could be seen by others as cruel and emotionally manipulative if they were inclined to look at it that way. Also a bin full of weeks old used sanitary products does smell, you will have just got accustomed to the odour.

Given that in writing the op we've had your spin on the situation rather than your ex partners and you hint at more serious allegations (which regardless of the veracity of his claims he may well raise in the hearing) you aren't doing yourself any favours.

You can either keep ranting about the unfairness and injustice of the situation and lash out at people on here when they don't agree with you. Or you can tackle the issues head on and work towards providing a safer, more welcoming environment for your child.

Arguing whether serious allegations are 'true or sort of true' isn't going to impress those making the decisions. Instead can you point to any changes or positive achievements that would help your case? Can anyone help you get on top of the housework and help plan a list of tasks that need doing on a daily/week/fortnightly basis? Can you explain to the court the positive impact you have on your child's life?

I have told you the more serious things are in another post which I linked to earlier.

Mainly relating to me scratching his chest once. From my POV, it was when he refused to let me go after he'd pinned me on the bed. From his POV, it was an unwarranted act by a mentally unstable woman. I have a wild guess of which version many of you will believe.

If nobody's allowing him to be the primary carer then how come he is?

MissVictoria that's actually vile. It definitely does stink. You're probably just used to the smell.
I'm by no means a clean freak but leaving things in a bin that are covered in blood and discharge is going to smell and it just dirty.

Hi LikeDylan and congrats on the Nobel you didn't accept

Yes indeed I have made positive changes, and talked about them to DS's legal guardian. That is past the point. I guess I came here to see that, seriously, what is XH still going on about. I have a feeling I understand it better now, as well as I understand now better all the school mums who have sided with him and written vicious statements against my parenting.

graphista - because he made me move out, and started controlling my contact. That's how. And I didn't get legal advice for the first year because I kept trusting we were working towards 50-50 like we had previously agreed after separation.

That's how you do it.

The Courts do not favour women, btw, it's been researched through and through. What they do favour is status quo. I missed the memo that if you want residency of your child you must never be the one leaving the family home. XH always told me he wouldn't move out, so ... I made the best choice I could at the time. Naive and stupid from my part, but only in retrospect. My parents never believed he would be capable of this. But then again, maybe I am an unfit mother, judging by many views here.

Out of curiosity, how were you able to fly back the next day? Did you buy tickets? Could you have bought a ticket for the flight your ex-H wouldn't let you board? Or gone to the check-in desk to confirm your identity - they would have you listed as a passenger would they not?

I get the vibe from your initial post that you're not really taking responsibility for things you've done that are a problem. You didn't 'apparently' make the comment to your son about leaving - you made it. Porridge for a school lunch isn't 'inappropriate' - it's inappropriate. Maybe if you owned these mistakes and showed how you've moved on and they wouldn't be repeated, that would work more in your favour than minimising them.

Re. the glass - the point is you couldn't GUARANTEE that your son wouldn't be injured somehow. I would expect a parent to take into consideration that there's always a POSSIBILITY (no matter how slim) that their child might be injured by broken glass, and to dispose of it appropriately as soon as possible. There's no point detailing all the reasons you think he might not have injured himself - you hadn't guaranteed that he wouldn't, and therein lies the problem.

I need to get used to the idea of losing my relationship with my son
No. You don't. MN is not a family court. Opinions on here don't matter and for your son's sake you need to stop being so easily discouraged. I hope you have appropriate support in RL who can advise you how best to move forward.

What have the school mums written about your parenting? Their claims can only really be taken seriously if it's things they've witnessed themselves. If they're talking about your sanitary towel bin when they've not been in your bathroom, because of what they've heard from your ex-H, then that will presumably be disregarded as hearsay.

But are they writing 'vicious statements' about other incidents?

Courts award residency to mothers in more than 60% of cases. As your ds has a legal guardian that is not you or his father that means a court appointed guardian which means that there are several other people involved in deciding your sons care needs, where he should live etc.

That you failed to seek legal advice for a year is not 'how you do it' however I get that may have been due to a number of factors (eg not understanding uk legal system, wanting to trust you'd be able to work it out albeit naively).

I've been through a (very messy) divorce and supported friends who've been through similar (including men who have become primary or sole carers). It's rare for courts to award legal guardianship to someone not a parent when the parents are still getting residency, it's rare for a father to be allowed to continue to have residency I've only seen it happen where the mother has been proven to be abusive or extremely ill or it was her wish.

Most of the people here aren't saying that you shouldn't have contact with your son. You clearly love your son very much but need support with parenting and with the legal process with your ex. Do you have friends or people in your life who give good, impartial advice so you can see the situation from other points of view?
You mention wanting to get a diagnosis for your son. Do you think that you asking the school for advice is the catalyst for him trying to shut you out more?

No I don't have RL friends.

I only have my DP.

I will probably ask MN to take this tread down. Some of the things mentioned trigger school bullying memories. But oh I'm just self pitying.