To be annoyed with mil?

[lostowl]

Yes another mil post!

We left our 2 dc with her whilst we ran errands for a few hours. Whenever I leave my dc with dog owners I ask nicely that the dog is either kept outside or in its cage. I asked her and although she clearly wasn't up for it she agreed to put the dog in the cage as I don't really want the dog to lick my one year olds face or hands etc which it's done before. This particular dog growls when she's eating her food so that worries me too.

When we returned the dog was out of its cage and she said that the dog doesn't like the cage and was moaning. Ok then, I didn't make a fuss. But isn't her grandchildren's safety more important? And she wonders why we don't go over often. She simply goes against my husband and my wishes and quite frankly I'm not happy.

Am I being a big jerk?

Jassy- it does yes but I wouldn't allow someone I didn't trust to be solely responsible for my child. Dog or no dog.

True enough, but I look a very beloved family member of mine. I'm totally happy for him to babysit but he has a total blind spot about his dog. So I wouldn't want him babysitting with the dog there as his judgement is a little off, in my view, about that one thing.

It only takes one moment of inattention for a tragedy to happen. I'm a total dog lover, but having experienced my own beloved, gentle, soppy dog biting my little cousin (she wasn't being supervised properly and poked him in the eye, he snapped at her face and got her just above the eye) I'm fully aware of how quickly things can happen and how devastating the consequences might be.

YABU No child ever died of a dog lick. Trust MIL to know her dog. Maybe get yr kids a playpen.

lostowl Retro out of curiosity, what is your relationship with your mother like?

Very close, loving and based on mutual respect. Since I nearly lost her to a very aggressive cancer, I cherish her all the more and don't waste time with childish power struggles like so many seem to do. And I'm close to my MIL as well. She raised a very loving, loyal, nurturing, respectful man. She and I have a warm and humorous relationship. You on the other hand sound very immature and entitled on this thread with an unpleasant attitude. I'd love to know how your MIL sees you, as your behaviour speaks volumes. Why do so many of you dare to presume to dictate to someone older how they should act when you expect them to provide free childcare. If you don't like how they do things, or don't trust them, then don't take their help for granted. I find that incredibly spoiled and outrageous.

And yes to answer *ollieplimsoles some of the issues with MIL could easily be avoided if some DIL did not act like such spoiled brats and engage in childish power struggles. It's also damn disrespectful to your DH if you're so rude to his mother and force them to take sides. Of course, there are some genuinely horrible MILs or indeed DILs. But most of the time, it is avoidable by not being so petty. There is such a lack of some basic respect for an elder generation who has valid experiences. Both my parents done amazing stuff for which I admire them and am so proud off. Ditto for MIL. So with regards to some of the posters, FFS get over yourselves! You are not the first parents to raise children and your way may not actually be the best way. Have some humility!

My DM has 2 dogs. One is horizontally relaxed about babies, the other very happy to see my ds for about 3 mins then is not interested and can get a bit grouchy. If DM looks after my ds (12mo), she doesn't ever leave ds and dogs unsupervised but I feel no need to ask her to keep them separate. Either you trust your Mil to be responsible or not. Asking that the dog be shut away or caged is a bit U imo.

There is such a lack of some basic respect for an elder generation who has valid experiences

You don't get respect for purely being 'elder'

Personally I think you should get off your high horse. Its great you have a good relationship with your mil, and your parents alot of us dont. My mil ruined my dh's confidence with her controlling attitude, I can't believe I spent so long giving her the benefit of the doubt and excusing her behaviour for so long.

*ollie You call it high horse, I call it basic manners and common courtesy. The lack of which is staggering on some of the threads. Yes there are toxic people and your MIL may very well be one of them. But a lot of the issues, especially in the AIBU section is down to some posters being brats to both their own parents and their PIL. There is often such sneering condescending attitude to older generations and total lack of humility that maybe just maybe you don't have a fucking clue and could actually learn from older generations. But back to the thread, the OP asked her MIL for a big favour and was being unreasonable and bloody ungrateful.

There is such a lack of some basic respect for an elder generation who has valid experiences

Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!

Retro, I am of that 'elder generation' (at least according to MN!) and no one has to 'respect' me simply because I have experience. If the 'young people' respect me I hope it's because I have earned it in the way I have respected and treated them. If they have learnt from my experience, I hope that it's because I've presented it in a nonjudgmental way and in a way that rings 'true' to them.

And I think the 'young people', especially young women, have a lot to teach me in their bravery, openness, and willingness to take chances I would have been too afraid to take in my youth.

I shouldn't really have to ask in a way should I? My mil is putting me in this position because she thinks her dog is a saint and that accidents can't happen.

And it's not free childcare which many keep bleating on about...It's a grandmother looking after her grandchildren which she loves to do!

Retro you need to take a chill pill. Obviously you are looking intensely from the mil's point of view and you're being belligerent. Do you have sons? Are you worried that this might happen to you?

On the flip side retro, don't you think many elders behave like know it alls because they believe they've Done it all before.

Just because they've done childrearing doesn't mean they did it well. My mil's sons barely visit her and one even went into a ridiculous relationship to get away from her.

Excellent acrossthepond

A dog in a cage? Unbelievable.

My mil is putting me in this position because she thinks her dog is a saint

No, you're putting yourself 'in a position'. All your MIL has done is make a judgement call about her own pet in her own home.

As for her thinking her dog is a saint - don't be so bloody ridiculous. I'm pretty sure she knows it's a dog, but keeping a distressed animal caged up is just cruel.

Her dog is a saint? This thread is surreal.

All your MIL has done is make a judgement call about her own pet in her own home.

Well, no, Koala, the other thing she's done is lie to OP about said judgement call.

RetroImp:
I don't believe you are allowed to abuse another poster by calling her a jerk and a spoiled brat. That is THE crime in Mumsnet Land and someone will report you.

Think you called her a "total bitch" too. Yet another example of unacceptable abuse.

Get. A. Grip.

I often wonder how the dog owners who get all offended over a dog lick would feel if I sent my kids running over to lick their face every time we saw them

OP - you say it's not free childcare. Are you paying her, then?

If she's so deeply awful and damaging that her adult sons will go to extreme lengths to get away from her, as you say, how can it be a good idea to leave your own vulnerable children with her? That is a bad judgement call on your part. Bring them with you on our errands or book a crèche if she really is that bad. Problem solved. Only see her when you are also there to make sure she doesn't do anything you feel endangers your children.

You can't have it both ways - not trusting her in general, yet entrusting her with your children & then being surprised & indignant that she behaves exactly in the way you suspected she would all along. It seems you're trying to prove a point - and at the expense of your children's safety, if you genuinely do believe they are under threat from a potentially savage animal insufficiently controlled by a delusional woman hellbent on undermining you.

Well, no, Koala, the other thing she's done is lie to OP about said judgement call.

Where does it say that? Dog was running loose when OP arrived. MIL didn't shove it back in the cage and bullshit her that it had been there the whole time.

Don't go round there. I'm not a dog owner, I would be very concerned about the dog licking DCs too.

Disco people's children have very often puked on me, dribbled on me, shat on me, sneezed on me, spread their potent nursery germs over me in all sorts of messy and smelly and generally unpleasant ways. Nonetheless I don't insist that they are kept in a cage whenever I visit the house.

(Not a dog owner btw.)

Those things are not really the same though are they? If a dog sneezed, dribbled or puked on a child, whilst it wouldn't be pleasant it's not something they can actively help or be trained out of, same with kids. Licking can absolutely be stopped, in dogs and kids

I imagine that the people who don't mind the dog licking are the sort of people who let their dogs lick their faces. You do know that they lick their arses don't you and that female dogs are prone to eating their own shit? I don't want that in my child's face if that's all the same

I think I hit an nerve with retro .. big style!!

Bipbippa does baby shit make you blind like dogs shit?

It's not the same thing and for you to think that is ridiculous really!