What are the weird things you have experienced/seen on the London transport/public transport?

[weresquirrel]

Following on from Artandco's thread; www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2765114-To-think-some-people-deserve-a-place-in-hell?msgid=64487353#64487353 which contains the story of someone releasing a load of hamsters on the tube for "exercise" I thought it would be fun/interesting to have a "things experienced on the tube/public transport" thread. So here goes;

Mine; Someone very publicly snorting cocaine at around 11pm on the Piccadilly Line. Another one was the man sitting in front of me masturbating behind his briefcase (retch). Also had an Italian tourist stroke my knee when I was a teenager (yuck).

What have you seen/experienced on the Tube?

A stripper on the Piccadilly Line one evening. Did a whole routine between the line of seats until she was just wearing nipple tassels and tiny pants, gyrating round the pole with a couple of guys playing accompanying music on a stereo.

We all just looked down and pretended we couldn't see anything

And re the nail clipping being a SW london thing - I am SW Lon. So, maybe!

Another south London tale- on the Orpington - Victoria train, during rush hour, everyone standing in the aisles. A woman gets on at Sydenham hill with a saucepan and a wooden spoon in her hands and proceeds to eat curry straight out of the pan. It was about 7.30am and the smell was horrific. Though I was impressed that she managed to keep her balance and eat without holding on to anything.

On the same train line there was a man who used to get on at Brixton with a snake under his hat. Occasionally you'd see the snake pop it's head out and have a look around. It was quite surreal, but I saw him so often I got used to it. It was always funny watching other people's reactions when the snake popped out though. The man is still known affectionately in my family as 'Snakey Joe.'

Just remembered another one.

Bus from Hendon to Colindale, there was a group of teenage lads being very boisterous on the top deck for quite a while. Then suddenly the bus pulled over at a stop and the driver came storming up the stairs. He gave the lads a bollocking at maximum volume for "bothering the other passengers on MY bus" and finishing with "LITTLE BASTARDS!" - we were all and thereafter there was total silence. When the boys got off a few stops later, they recovered their bravado enough to shout at the departing bus and spit at the windows.

I was on a bus where the driver refused to drive it any further until the gobby little shits (his words) got off. It was end of the school day and I think he'd had an absolute gut full.

They got off, looking sheepish.

Victoria line, evening. Man in a poncho with bongos making up songs about each passenger in a pretentious and faux artsy way. Everyone pretended not to hear him.
He gets to a baby in a pushchair singing: "How long will you live? When will you die?"

Mother: "I'll tell you when you're going to die, you twat!"

It's been a while since a willy-wanky story so mine is, in my teens minding my own business on tube, when guy shows up grinning with huge willy dangling out of yellow trousers. I didn't wait around for the inevitable but moved silently to another carriage.

I also remember the man who walked a ferret on a lead around London, including in the tube.

Mine are SW London too - hmmm.

Someone trying to argue that her cello needed a seat more than I (at 34 weeks pregnant) did on an 8am Northern line Bank branch train.

Drunk Irish lads breakdancing on the Overground after the 2012 Heineken Cup final on a train pulling out of Richmond.

The fact that I have an uncanny talent for near misses - passed through Holloway Road tube station with my son in a sling 10 minutes before the tasering and arrest last week, also passed through Kentish Town station before 5 minutes before someone was pushed onto the tracks.

Place markimg to read later

Late night Birmingham No. 50. Me and dh are sitting over the wheel on bottom of bus so grandstand view.

Man gets on and sits at the front, by the wheelchair spaces. Holds his head and groans theatrically. Asks around for pain killers. All avoid eye contact.

Stop at next stop and half a gang of teenagers get on and half don't as having loud debate about whether to go for chips. Eventually all get on and teenage girl has shouty conversation with anyone who will talk back about the best chip shop to go to. Headache man realises he's lost his audience so starts doing pull-ups on the rail above him.

We get off at the same stop as the teenagers. One boy jostles headache man who gets a bit shirty. Boy says "I recognise you! Didn't we match on Grindr?".

We run off giggling before it becomes a bloodbath.

On a London bus and a young Australian woman, with a loud whiny voice was talking on her phone, about her relationship, she didn't know if he was the one or where it was going. Her Boss who didn't treat her properly. Her sister and her problems. Nothing was sacred. This went on from Green Park to Putney. There was only a few of left and an elderly man, dapper with a hat got up, rang the bell and tapped her on the shoulder. He held out his hand and said 'I am George Smith, I feel I must introduce myself especially as I now know so much about you.' The young woman shrugged and carried on talking. I swear she had asbestos lips

A bloke deliberately shitting himself then trying to hug people.

Not in London, but once saw a man on a bus with glass jar of hot dogs. Man proceeded to eat all 8 hot dogs cold, I thought this was an odd breakfast but hey ho. Until man finished the hot dogs and washed them down by drinking the brine in the jar?!?! Me and my sister were

I miss living in London.

Told this before. I was on a fairly crowded Northern line train - the old ones with back to back seats and I felt a lick on the back of my neck.

I turned round to give a mouthful to who ever it was only to find myself looking in to the adoring brown eyes of a dog and a very embarrassed owner.

One from my childhood in a northern town.

I had some after school activities so I didn't always get the early bus home but this day I did.

The bus pulled in at a stop by a block of flats, everyone moved over to the side nearest the flats to get a look at the man standing naked in the window playing with himself.

Then someone noticed Sr Mary Dominic was on the bus, and everyone moved back and pretended they hadn't seen anything / moved/ cheered.

Did I mention this was an RC girls' school?

There was an 'emergency' assembly the following day for anyone who caught that particular bus home. It had been going on for a few weeks. Sister Mary Joseph was not happy that it had not been reported.

I guess these days everyone would whip out their phones to video The Sex On the Circle Line. That might or might no stop them.

'Public' is quite a popular genre of porn. I would be tempted to get out my phone and ask which website they wanted it posting on.

Hot morning on a very crowded Central line from Leyton twenty-odd years ago. Everyone jammed together by the doors when one woman keeled over in a faint. As she fell everyone moved out of her way till she hit the floor. At the next stop, Stratford, two men picked her up by shoulders and feet, ferried her off and put her on a bench and then got back on again. Nobody said a word and I've no idea what happened to her when she came to.

To balance the male flashers. Years ago, on a relatively full inter city out of Paddington sat down with my boyfriend (now DH) in one of the facing seats with a table in the middle. Another couple probably in their twenties sat in the opposite one. All normal, except the woman was facing her partner with her t-shirt pushed up and her tits out. They were huge, you really couldn't miss them!

We spent next hour not looking in their direction and trying not to crack-up. Also, watching the double-takes of any other passenger walking through the carriage.

Thinking back they must have had some kind of exhibitionist fetish going on.

South London not coming out of this too well, then...

Was about 17 on a bus sitting at the back with a friend. There was a boy about 18 already sitting in the corner of the back row..he started pleasuring himself with his coat covering his lap. I just sat there trying to ignore him until he made this loud noise and came all over the passenger seat in front of him!! We quickly got off the bus at the next stop!

Not half as good as these bit I recall sitting at the back of a bus as a teen when a bloke got on with a massive German Shepherd. He sat at the front of the bus.
Ten minutes later the smell hit and as the bus got to the steep bank into town the dog vomit and diarrhoea slowly flowed towards the back. There was barely an inch of floor space that wasn't covered.
I got off and walked.

Green Park station in the 80's a lady hauled up her skirt, squatted and pood. It was rush hour and people were giving her a wide berth and trying not to look.

Some of these are just hideous!

Anyone else seen a huge black guy with a floor length black leather coat on the westbound district line around Hammersmith/Chiswick, shouting and swearing with real venom in his voice? He must have MH issues.

I've seen him twice over the years and the second occasion I was with my 4 kids split across a few seats as it was moderately busy and there weren't enough seats to sit together. He sat down next to one of my kids and other passengers were making eye gestures for us to move - but we didn't as I didn't want to make things worse. I was just praying that the youngest didn't pipe up and say something like 4 year olds can. Thankfully he got off again after a few stops but it was scary.

Gwyneth Paltrow pre Chris Martin getting on the tube at Sloan street with full on black hooded puffer Jacket, a scarf and sunglasses. It was July and blistering. She looked ridiculous.

Alwaysfrank that sounds familiar. I think I have come across him and the woman with the fox rings a bell. Growing up in South London and travelling on the tube everyday to school some odd things just became normal.