What are the weird things you have experienced/seen on the London transport/public transport?

[weresquirrel]

Following on from Artandco's thread; www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2765114-To-think-some-people-deserve-a-place-in-hell?msgid=64487353#64487353 which contains the story of someone releasing a load of hamsters on the tube for "exercise" I thought it would be fun/interesting to have a "things experienced on the tube/public transport" thread. So here goes;

Mine; Someone very publicly snorting cocaine at around 11pm on the Piccadilly Line. Another one was the man sitting in front of me masturbating behind his briefcase (retch). Also had an Italian tourist stroke my knee when I was a teenager (yuck).

What have you seen/experienced on the Tube?

I was once on a local single decker bus (but central London so still quite busy) and it was mid day on a week day and a group of secondary school children got on the bus that was mostly pensioners. The children were very rowdy and loud and the pensioners collectively began to tell them off and yell at them to be quiet and the children settled down to my surprise. I suspect it must have been a somewhat routine situation on that bus.

So, hot day on the Tube, most but not all seats taken, nobody standing, so good lines of sight.

Young woman gets on, scratching her arms and legs. So far so good. Then she unbuttons her blouse, pulls her left breast out of her bra, has a good scratch, puts it back in her bra, pulls out her right breast, repeats the performance, and buttons up her blouse.

But this is England and nobody bats an eyelid and nobody says a word even after she gets out at the next station.

I can only speak for myself but I thought This is a hidden-camera show and I am not going to be the one who makes a tit of himself on television - and perhaps I was right although I never saw the broadcast if I was. Of course the producer might have decided the clip was a failure and not used it precisely because nobody reacted!

People clipping their nails on the dlr, tube and worse toenails while stood in the street near Victoria station. No where near as grim as the wanking or nits.
I hate people painting their nails on trains too, bloody reeks.

Packed central line, standing up in door area, scabby looking bloke thrust his clenched hand out into middle of group of people, opened it slowly and in it were three squirming maggots. Said nothing, just left it there.

Got out of there pretty quick at the next stop!

Worst was in New York where a tramp had set up a little area at the end of a subway carriage, as I was about to get on the subway a man ran off and said "don't get on" tramp was pissing ALL over the carriage. Vom, waited for next one!

Oh god, just remembered another: a mum letting her preschool son pee on a Hammersmith & City Line carriage. Worse, we were just passing through a station that had toilets. But apparently it's better to just let your son pee against the (inside of the) doors than get off and use the toilet

I once was flashed on the tram in Melbourne. Very unimpressed really.

Two well-dressed young women on a crowded morning commuter train heading into London Bridge. One was wearing headphones, but you could hear her LOUD music quite clearly. Someone asked her to turn it down. She told him to fuck off. Indrawn breaths from those around her, while everyone looked at their toes and pretended they hadn't heard.

Apart from the other well-dressed young woman, who had said nothing until now, but basically just launched herself at Headphone Woman and they had quite the punch-up. The train was held at the station until the police arrived.

But how do you actually tell a couple off for having sex on public transport?

Go up, tap them on the shoulder and say 'Stop that now please!'

I'd just expect to be told to fuck off.

oldlaundbooth - just tap them on the shoulder and offer them a moist, lemon-scented towelette? They might appreciate that.

oldlaundbooth How about shouting Everyone cheer who thinks she's faking it?

I guess these days everyone would whip out their phones to video The Sex On the Circle Line. That might or might no stop them.

Or when they've finished, hold up pieces of paper giving them marks out of six for Technical Merit and Artistic Impression (like Torvill & Dean...)

Was on the central line, where a man shouted "Heil Hitler" at a couple having a conversation in German. They confronted him on it and it quickly turned out that the guy must have had issues other than xenophobia, as he then started threatening random other people in the carriage. The emergency cord got pulled. The saint sitting next to him thankfully managed to talk him down before he stormed off at the next station...

I saw a guy standing on the tube with a full-on boner poking out of his jeans. He had a jumper on that was kind of loose and as it swayed the tip of his cock poked out. Nasty

A woman who sat there, while the two men she was with knelt on the floor - one of them was applying her make-up, the other was holding a mirror.

Years ago I was going to a fancy dress party as a gangster and went on the Tube carrying a replica gun in my hand.
No one batted an eyelid but I probably wouldn't have got as far as the ticket barrier now.

Someone smoking on the central line.

Someone cutting their toenails at Paddington.

Bleurgh!

Moved down to London after Poly: got the coach from Glasgow to Victoria coach station and headed up to Victoria tube station with rucksack on my back. Get on District/Circle Line train to Gloucester Road and sit opposite a man wearing tennis whites. Get as far as Westminster when I realise that his balls are on display up the leg of his shorts. This was my introduction to life in London at the tender age of 20.

However, I will be someone else's story after being sick into my handbag on the #12 bus after a work do. In my defence it was going all the way to Dulwich rather than terminating at Peckham, so no way was I getting off.

There used to be a chap on the central line who had a telescope and would hang out of the doors and yell 'I see no ships!'.

I remember once on the train out of Waterloo, about 13 years ago, a young man on a mobile phone conversation on an otherwise quiet train actually loudly saying, "What? We have thousands of miles of fiber optic cable but we can't get connected?

Is that funny to anyone else? It always has been to me.

Ooh yeah and the guy who pissed himself at Ealing Broadway...pee was dripping off the end of his shoe as he'd crossed his legs.

Someone actually getting changed on the tube.

It was quite busy. Everyone was a bit

They're coming back now...

I once got on a rail replacement bus service. I was so knackered, sat down and shut my eyes. Two hoodies got on and started playing music out loud. Without thinking I said, "I'm really sorry but I can't deal with that all the way to XXXX, you can have my headphones if you want but I can't cope with it." They were really polite and declined the use of my headphones and turned their music off. Then I spent the next hr and a half listening to how they "stabbed mans up" for some minor slur. I was shitting myself!

I've remembered a couple more. Bloke running out of Brixton Tube, grabbing a bottle from a bin and running back inside. Police vans arrived promptly.

On a late train from Victoria. Massive, packed, drunk group of people. One man's phone starts ringing the Jaws music. He opens it without looking and said, "hello darling". Clearly had set her ringtone to Jaws! Everyone laughed.

God, how long have you got? I've seen people wanking on the tube, wanking EACH OTHER on the tube, people being sick down themselves, one man being sick all over me ( cheers for that) so I had to sit all the way home silently crying and being ineffectually wiped down by a nice lady with half a pack of Handy Andies and a bottle of water.
I got on the Piccadilly line once to be confronted by five people in animal costumes sitting in the long row of seats not talking to each other but just sitting there, which was weird.
People cutting toenails is fairly standard- I must have seen four or five people over the years doing it. Maybe it's a South London thing.
I got into a fight with four young men who were tagging the inside of the District line train I was on - ended up smacking one over the head with the very heavy book I was carrying. Not one other passenger said a word!
Just to balance things out, I have also had sex on the tube between Richmond and Kew. But the carriage was empty at the time.