What are the weird things you have experienced/seen on the London transport/public transport?

[weresquirrel]

Following on from Artandco's thread; www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2765114-To-think-some-people-deserve-a-place-in-hell?msgid=64487353#64487353 which contains the story of someone releasing a load of hamsters on the tube for "exercise" I thought it would be fun/interesting to have a "things experienced on the tube/public transport" thread. So here goes;

Mine; Someone very publicly snorting cocaine at around 11pm on the Piccadilly Line. Another one was the man sitting in front of me masturbating behind his briefcase (retch). Also had an Italian tourist stroke my knee when I was a teenager (yuck).

What have you seen/experienced on the Tube?

Oh god.

A man eating dandelion leaves out of a plastic shopping bag [confused

This was a young couple (late teens/early 20's) - they started on the Docklands Light Railway (DLR), then moved onto a connecting overground service. They were nit-combing each other, finding live lice in the process (comb wiped onto the empty seat next to them).
This was early afternoon - I was poorly and left work early. Watching this made me feel worse!

Sitting in an aisle seat on a bus in the middle of the day when a very dishevelled (to put it politely), drunk and/or drugged up guy and his girlfriend got on. They proceeded to stagger down the aisle when the bus pulled away.

Struggling to stay upright as it was, this sudden motion threw the guy off balance and he used MY FACE to steady himself. He full on mushed his entire open palm in to my face, leaning all his weight on me while his gf giggled at how funny he was.

Yeah, fucking hilarious!! 😷

I've seen a man smoking crack on a bus in London. He did open the window which was very polite of him.

Oh, I've also told a guy that a crowded commuter train is neither the time nor the place to remove his shoes and socks and start clipping his toe nails. Retch!!

I've said this before so probably time for a name change.

A couple having sex on the Circle Line between Mansion House and Embankment at about 8.00pm on a weekday evening (she was wearing a skirt and straddling him). Being British, none of us in the carriage acknowledged it but instead focussed very intently on the Evening Standard, the ceiling, etc.

I must have lived a very sheltered life, as I've never seen anything like this!

Snorting cocaine, masturbating and effing nit combing

I have never mastered a poker face - so would have shown my disgust very visably indeed. Then moved. Probably retching at the nit combing as I did so.
People can be so foul.

Punchup between Batman and Superman (years before the film!) on the nightbus one Hallowe'en.

Batman won, in case you were wondering!

Woman dry shaving her legs on the jubilee line. She did not give a

Bus replacement at night. The driver couldn't find South London and was therefore given directions by my very drink boyfriend. As a thank you, he drove us to our door. In a double decker. It was quite odd.

Queen I bet that was fucking awesome!

Yuck the nit combing one is vile. I would have said something.

My friend once transported a bale of plastic razor wire (for set dressing), on the Northern Line, by wearing it like a dress.
She got some very odd looks!

Love that Queen !

I've been on a bus about 15 years ago where a heavily pregnant woman was preaching loudly, singing, and reading a Bible and pointing out all the people on the bus who were possessed with demons.

Apparently I was possessed - I can't remember exactly what she said about me but it was hilariously accurate

I sat next to a woman who saw my phone and said "you're not going to use that are you?? I'm very sensitive."
Er... We're on a train with wifi, but sure I was polite and said I wouldn't.
Later I realised the guy sat right behind her had been using his iphone the entire time. She didn't seem to have noticed...

The preachers are the worst. I was once sat on a tube reading a book with evil or Satan (it was some trashy fiction, I am not a Satanist ) in the title and a Christian woman started talking to me and tried to get me to come to her church to be healed.

You know you're on mn when nit-combing in public gets more comments than masturbating in public.

I can't believe no one told a couple off for having sex on the Circle Line!

...but the masturbating was behind a briefcase whereas the nit combing was blatant!!!

Two of your examples were essentially forms of sexual assault op.

Mine's a funnier example. Older lady, in her 60s, surrounded by lots of plastic bags containing food from various takeaway establishments. She was most likely homeless (not funny) but had apparently pinned a 'baby on board' badge to her coat, I assume so that she got given a seat! She took the badge off as she neared her destination station. I'm thinking that if she was given her seat it was because someone else felt sorry for her rather than believed she was actually pregnant!

Sitting on the long seat of a bus next to a woman trying but failing to bf her baby. In exasperation she said to the baby 'if you don't want it I'll give it to the nice man over there. Cue man sitting on opposite long seat going blood red with embarrassment and the woman carried on trying to coax her child to latch on. Nice man got off at the next stop.

A pigeon got on my Tube carriage, walked up and down stopping to look at every passenger as though asking for spare change. He then gave up and went and stood at the door and got off at Baker Street, having waited on the correct side! So bizarre!

I was once on a bus in London. There was a lady with a toddler in a pushchair in the wheelchair spot. She was talking on her phone. Toddler was drinking a carton of Ribena.

So, the toddler proceeds to pour all the Ribena into the tray table of his pushchair (it was the sort with a plastic tray table on the front of it). Mother, without even stopping her conversation, proceeds to use baby wipes to mop up the entire carton of spilled juice (which is quite a lot). So far so normal, right?

OK, so mum proceeds to throw each & every sodden baby wipe onto the floor of the bus. All without once taking the phone away from her ear, or telling the toddler to stop. She completely ignored the kid, just mopped, dropped, got out another wipe, mopped, dropped etc.

Eventually there were about 7-8 sodden baby wipes on the floor of the bus. Mum then rang the bell and wheeled the pram off the bus.

She never once paused her phone conversation!

Another fun bus one was two women, both with prams, arguing over who had more right to the wheelchair spot. The argument eventually descended into them screaming about who had "Jesus in her heart" more. Apparently having Jesus in your heart gives you priority in the wheelchair space