What are the weird things you have experienced/seen on the London transport/public transport?

[weresquirrel]

Following on from Artandco's thread; www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2765114-To-think-some-people-deserve-a-place-in-hell?msgid=64487353#64487353 which contains the story of someone releasing a load of hamsters on the tube for "exercise" I thought it would be fun/interesting to have a "things experienced on the tube/public transport" thread. So here goes;

Mine; Someone very publicly snorting cocaine at around 11pm on the Piccadilly Line. Another one was the man sitting in front of me masturbating behind his briefcase (retch). Also had an Italian tourist stroke my knee when I was a teenager (yuck).

What have you seen/experienced on the Tube?

When I was a student in the London late 1980's I was travelling on the tube one evening and got into an almost empty carriage. This guy got on and sat down directly opposite me, spread his legs wide to reveal a large hole in the crotch of his jeans, out of which lolled his flaccid penis. He grinned as he did it. He just sat there, legs spread, watching my reaction. I stayed calm but got up and moved to another carriage as soon as the tube stopped. Nasty experience.

I saw someone cleaning their ears w qtips and the three them on the floor of the bus. That was something. It was south London though....

On the tube last week I saw a woman feeding a small dog cucumber sticks from a small Tupperware box. That's a new one!

turquoisetoad ,

When something similar happened to me I laughed and said 'is that it where's the rest of it?' He went bright red and shot out the door as soon as it opened.

I used to go to Tottenham Court Road tube station and more than once had a young man stand behind me with his little jack Russell dog and press it (the dog's nose) up into my crotch, it was really horrible. He wasn't quite homeless looking but almost, scruffy and unkempt.

I also used to get the DLR from the station where the bomb was about twenty years ago. That was weird.

Man "reading" page 3 of the Sun.
Little girl on mum's knee next to him leans over, looks at his paper and loudly asks "why is that man looking at her boobies?" Man got off at next station.

Man walking and wanking down the station in Woking. Poetic, really.

Jesus, this makes public transport sound like one big wankfest. Or Public Exposure central.

This is the good thing about the new trains that you can walk the whole length of internally (must be a shorter way of saying that) - you can get away from the wankers and vomiters and toe nail cutters and the preachers.

You say that Boink but I've been followed down the length of the train twice by nutters. I'm not sure being able to change carriages wasn't preferable.

Oh dear, Lady that's awful

The plus side is that you can move up the train and sit with other people, which you couldn't if you were on your own in a carriage, so I guess they're better. I'm just a nut magnet!

Once sat behind an older lady of South Asian origin and another of West Indian origin on a bus. the conversation was stifled between them because of heavy accents but the jist of it was needing to wear a vest under your sari or you freeze to death. The bonding over the cold was an absolute joy to listen to.

Saw a guy eating chicken on the bus and proceed to drop every bone on the floor of the bus .

Sorry Gwen but I did laugh at that. I think it's the way you told it.

Man on a bus in Stockwell back in the day where I got the night bus home at 5am- he was off his face on something and was telling us about how he was shitting his pants and the shit was rolling around like little carrots

Tube train once got stormed by Earls Court by armed police who dragged a man off and did a sweep of the carriage. He was asian and someone had reported him for having a sword... it was actually one of those samurai sword style umbrellas. I felt so bad for him, he looked utterly terrified.

Got on a very crowded District line at South Ken with a few friends once. Weirdly there were a few seats available at the bottom of the carriage so we went and sat. Looked up to see a very scruffy looking man in a massive coat with an eye patch. Said coat had electrical wires poking out of it and he was muttering a lot. We were too polite to get up and move though...

Walking and wanking in Woking. How pleasingly alliterative.

When I was about 8 I was with my mum on the Piccadilly line -train was quite busy but there was plenty of space in the square by the doors. A lady got on who clearly had MH issues- she proceeded to lay down on the floor, hitch up her skirt and give herself a proper seeing to, writhing all round the space by the doors. All along the row of seats, people just raised their papers in front of their faces and ignored her. I of course shouted "MUMMY, WHAT IS THAT LADY DOING???"
Sorry all my anecdotes are quite wank heavy. I'll try and remember some that aren't!

I saw a lady once eating a bag of chicken wings then went on to eat the bones, every thing 😷

Waiting for a bus one rainy afternoon in London
Double decker bus approaching and noticed that top deck was empty
Got on and the downstairs was heaving, people absolutely rammed in, even standing on the stairs
Squeezed over to the stairs to go up and man standing at bottom says darkly "I wouldn't go up there"
As I climb up I pass a shocked looking lady coming down
Upstairs is empty save for two elderly men sitting halfway back. They are drinking lager and chuckling together but I can't see any issue
I sit down- what on earth is wrong with the people downstairs? Fools
Then after about 20 seconds it hits me....
.... The most overpowering stench of human shit. It is unbearable. The two elderly men are laughing. They must have shit themselves really really profusely to Smell this bad from halfway across the bus. Or perhaps the poo is on the bus.
I race downstairs. Guy at bottom of stairs nods at me.
New people squeeze on bus and Start towards stairs. I say "I wouldn't go up there"

I used to regularly see a homeless woman at Bond street, who wpuld be pushing an old-fashioned pram. She'd go up to people and talk to them about her baby. But it wasn't a baby, it was a fox.

Sitting next to a gent who knocked himself up two rounds of smoked salmon sandwiches - bread, butter, packet of smoked salmon, the lot - followed by an apple

A couple of years ago dd and I were travelling on the tube and it had stopped at a very crowded station. Loads of people piled on the train until it was crammed full, and there were still many people trying to board. The announcer kept asking people to stand clear of the doors to no avail, and the train's doors wouldn't close because of everybody trying to force their way on board. After several minutes, and repeated announcements to stand clear etc, the announcer finally lost patience and bellowed over the tannoy:

"STEP AWAY FROM THE TWO HUNDRED TON TRAIN!!!"

Oh yes, I once had a driver on the tannoy during a stop between stations in the evening rush hour:

Sorry about the delay, ladies and gentlemen, I know you all want to get home, well, all except the chap who married my ex-wife and he wants this train to go on for ever like the Flying Dutchman

A distressed tramp with his willy stuck in a glass bottle. We (a group of 16 year olds at the time) took him to St Thomas'.

A couple doing lines of coke on the overland.

One man threatening another with a knife - quite a few people waded in that one, blokes 'backing each other up'.

Being pushed through the barriers by a man whilst I was heavily pregnant. That used to be quite common though at Brixton when the stretch of the Victoria Line from Brixton to Victoria used to be known as the 'heroin express'.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu oh that is funny!

Oh and when I was about 4 I saw a punk on the Kings Road running for an old fashioned London bus. The problem was his legs were chained together, so it was the most comical sight. It was probably one of the best childhood memories I have.