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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Livid! To think she did this on purpose??

277 replies

Bribrielliott · 26/10/2016 13:33

Ahh I'm so annoyed! Name changed for this. So "future" mil was showing me some photos of her holiday on her phone and she carried on swiping past the holiday ones until she got to a diamond ring, then started shouting oh no I've ruined the surprise, don't tell him you have seen it, he will be so upset etc. whilst keeping the photo on!!!! I so think she has done this on purpose, we have had a rocky relationship in the past but I thought we had got over that but honestly it was so over dramatic the way she was talking and if she had just carried on swiping I wouldn't have thought anything of it!! I'm so upset that I know and that she has ruined the surprise, as I really wouldn't have expected it. Also feel sad for dp and hope I can act surprised when it happens.

OP posts:
BarInSpace · 26/10/2016 19:15

Say something ASAP. I agree that otherwise, there's unfortunately a chance she'll get in first with her rather different version! Also, do you really want this conundrum to be on your mind for days/weeks? And would your DP want to know sooner, rather than be asking "why didn't you tell me before?"

MaudlinNamechange · 26/10/2016 19:19

This is a control thing - she is one of those people who has to "own" everything so she is making sure that you know she is all over this engagement.

You know, the people who, when someone else puts something about being pregnant on facebook, and most people are posting things like "congratulations! I am so happy for you!" there are always a few who post things like "ha ha I was wondering when you were going to announce it" or in other words "LISTEN UP YOU SUCKERS I KNEW ALL ABOUT THIS FIRST AND I WAS PRACTICALLY IN THE ROOM CHEERING WHEN THIS BABY WAS CONCEIVED"

2kids2dogsnosense · 26/10/2016 19:23

I honestly don't know what I would do, OP. I mean, I would tell DP, but I don't know when - play it by ear, I think.

2kids2dogsnosense · 26/10/2016 19:23

I honestly don't know what I would do, OP. I mean, I would tell DP, but I don't know when - play it by ear, I think.

2kids2dogsnosense · 26/10/2016 19:23

I honestly don't know what I would do, OP. I mean, I would tell DP, but I don't know when - play it by ear, I think.

ohfourfoxache · 26/10/2016 19:24

I'm really sorry op, that was a really nasty thing for her to do.

Agree with pp's, I think you need to tell him asap. I would be concerned that she could have contacted him already to manipulate the situation Sad

Fwiw I wish mil and fil knew about and supported now dh before he asked me, but they weren't even interested when we told them Sad

2kids2dogsnosense · 26/10/2016 19:24

Don't know how that posted twice - sorry.

BeMorePanda · 26/10/2016 19:26

But why she felt the need to take a photo is baffling!

Not really - it's all part of the plan to butt into the situation and Mistakenly show you. Shock

youarenotkiddingme · 26/10/2016 19:27

Totally agree with those who suggest bringing it up.

You can always phase it in a weird thing happened today type senario.

"Dp the strangest thing happened today. You mum was showing me her holiday pics and knots scrolling in her excitement of the photos when she got to a ring. She was really shockgood d and kept apologising for ruling the surprise"

Then pause with a smile on your face that shows him you actually love the ring and will say yes!

CoraPirbright · 26/10/2016 19:27

How do you think he will react if you tell him? My worry was that dh would be so annoyed that he would put off asking for another year or two!!

youarenotkiddingme · 26/10/2016 19:28

Or a version of the above in plain English and iPad autocorrect language Blush

Willow2016 · 26/10/2016 19:33

Nah I would be telling him pdq.
She showed you it on purpose to let you know that 'her boy' showed her the ring first. (Nothing bad about that, perfectly normal but she is making it out to be something 'between them' and that she is more important)

She is showing you that she is in charge and will dictate your lives to you, i.e I will be the one who controls what my son does and how you will find out. Its not about you but about me.

You need a serious chat with your oh about this before you find yourselves being ruled by her forever. He needs to tell her that you are both adults and she had no right to ruin his surprise and that you both know she did it on purpose. Remind her she skipped over all the holiday photos but stoppped at that one, not a chance it was an accident.

Sorry but I sense more of this to come if it isnt nipped in the bud now. Sounds controlling and jealous of you with 'her baby'. Pathetic.

clumsyduck · 26/10/2016 19:37

Agree with others

Controlling !!

Deffo deffo tell him! You will spoil the moment for yourself if you don't . Tell him you briefly saw it and what happened and then put it to the back of your mind and you can enjoy your moment when it happens

IJustAteTheKidsFoodAgain · 26/10/2016 19:45

She knew that picture was there.

Libitina · 26/10/2016 19:55

Wow! She definitely did that on purpose. Please tell your OH. Don't give her any control over your relationship with him. Show her you mean business.

FurryLittleTwerp · 26/10/2016 19:57

Nasty thing to do.

I'd mention it - "Your mum was showing me some pictures & made a big fuss about one of a lovely ring - a surprise or something? What was that all about do you think? She didn't really explain."

JinkxMonsoon · 26/10/2016 20:21

I don't know why so many people are suggesting that OP tells her DP but plays dumb?

There's no point pretending that she doesn't know what the ring is for. It's obvious what the ring is for. And if OP doesn't acknowledge that, then equally she isn't acknowledging MIL's shitty behaviour, and she's completely entitled to do that. She did a horrible, calculating thing and she deserves to have her son call her out on it.

Rainbunny · 26/10/2016 20:23

I agree, she's a grown woman and didn't do this accidentally, no reasonable adult would think that ruining a surprise like this is an okay thing to do. I think it was a little passive-aggressive control thing and maybe subconsciously (or consciously!) a way to demonstrate how close and involved in your DP's life she is and therefore how important she is to him.

Absolutely agree that you should tell your DP and I agree that you should keep your calm about it. You'll never be able to prove it wasn't an accident because that's what she will claim but it's important that he knows and he may start noticing her behaviour more in the future. The important thing is that you don't get dragged into keeping secrets from him.

beccabanana · 26/10/2016 20:24

My first thought was that she was winding you up and doing the whole 'oh I've ruined the surprise' routine to get your hopes up, knowing (or hoping) you would never say anything to your OH and would just be sat in anticipation for the big moment.
If he really does have the ring and is going to propose, what she's done is utterly shitty and you'll never have that surprise unspoilt now. What a bitch.
Tell your OH ASAP and don't let her get away with crap like that. Why are some women so awful to each other?!

FruitCider · 26/10/2016 20:25

I would explain to DP exactly what happened without casting judgement. He has a right to know that you know, and what his mother has done!

TheCatsMother99 · 26/10/2016 20:36

I thought my MIL was interfering buy yours takes the biscuit. I'm still sitting here annoyed on your behalf.

ohfourfoxache · 26/10/2016 22:39

Have you spoken to him yet op?

birdladyfromhomealone · 26/10/2016 23:02

Poor you OP :(
Long before my DS proposed I gave him my Mums engagement ring which was a 1.5carot diamond with 1 carot rubies either side and told him if you want to use the diamond from grans ring please do.
he had it made into an engagement ring and pair of ruby earrings.
i kept it a secret from my DIL for 2 years.
your MIL is a bitch for ruining your and your DP proposal :(

ollieplimsoles · 26/10/2016 23:07

You sound lovely bird I bet that was a really special surprise for your dil

Op, from here on in, you cant tell your mil anything. I kept giving mine the benefit of the doubt time and again and she ended up completely taking over our wedding planning, knew she was upsetting us but didn't care.

We kept our pregnancy from her for as long as we could,she was the last to know anything we did from then on.

ohfourfoxache · 26/10/2016 23:09

Oh bird what a beautiful thing to do