Livid! To think she did this on purpose??

[Bribrielliott]

Ahh I'm so annoyed! Name changed for this. So "future" mil was showing me some photos of her holiday on her phone and she carried on swiping past the holiday ones until she got to a diamond ring, then started shouting oh no I've ruined the surprise, don't tell him you have seen it, he will be so upset etc. whilst keeping the photo on!!!! I so think she has done this on purpose, we have had a rocky relationship in the past but I thought we had got over that but honestly it was so over dramatic the way she was talking and if she had just carried on swiping I wouldn't have thought anything of it!! I'm so upset that I know and that she has ruined the surprise, as I really wouldn't have expected it. Also feel sad for dp and hope I can act surprised when it happens.

You're having a glimpse of your future here. MIL has not transitioned from the adult/child relationship to the adult/adult relationship between parent/offspring that is healthy.
It's perfectly ok to be close to your mum, to ask for help picking a ring etc, but her showing you is not on.
So, what do you do about it? Well, don't try to outgame her. You need to have a sensible calm conversation with your husband to be about his mum and how her behaviour makes you feel. Do this at a time you're both relaxed and keep it as emotion free as possible.
In the last year or so my mil has become extremely critical and underhand and has started having huge strops when dh and I don't bend to her will. We are both pretty mild people and I'm able to shrug most of it off but now she is starting on ds - that's my boundary. Nobody hurts ds, physically or emotionally. So dh sat her down when she was here and told her very matter of factlycthat her behaviour was hurtful. She's been mixed since then. Sometimes on best behaviour but a few real shockers. Again, dh and I have had a calm conversation along the lines of 'I have no wish to come between you and her but x y and z are not ok. How can we pre empt and manage her behaviour ?'

Good luck. Sort this now before you're married with kids! Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

Echoing all those who have advised you to say something to your DP along the lines of what FurryLittleTwerp said (and what an excellent username that is!)

My own STBXMIL gleefully told me that she'd tried on my engagement ring before I got it, and that she knew that my then DP 'wouldn't get engaged without telling me first'. She then made it even worse when she changed the spec on my wedding ring order, as she 'knew it would look better' (She was able to do this because STBXH, having lived most of his life in SA, chose to have the rings made there, charging his mother with the task of collecting them and bringing them over- but not, I believe, trying them on and changing the order...)

Mind you, this is also the woman who plucked my just-opened Christmas gift of slippers out of my hands and proceeded to try those on too...

Maybe she is excited, and wanted to speed the process along!

'Always look on the bright side of life, de dum, de dum.... '

Regardless of whether she is an open book who simply makes mistakes and can't keep secrets, or whether she deliberately chose to spoil the surprise and let you know she is in charge you need to act. You cannot go into an engaged relationship with DM controlling things. Either you need boundaries forming NOW to protect you in the future, or your STBDH (if that is indeed the surprise) needs to know he can't trust his DM with things he doesn't want broadcast to the nation. Possibly both.

Haworthiia, you is a wise-wise lady!

CoraPirbright - I think you got it spot-on!
My dm did that. Well, she didnt show me the ring but she did tell me that he was going to ask me. I was flabbergasted and annoyed with her and when I asked her why she did it, she said she "wanted to give me the joy of it". When I said it wasn't hers to give, she didn't really have an answer but she does have a bad history of trying to be really over-involved in my life so it didn't really surprise me. I didn't tell dh as he would probably have called it off in a fit of peak and also I didn't want their relationship to get any worse than it already was (he finds her really annoying). So I had to feign surprise and the question-popping moment was a bit crap generally so I am really sad I don't have a nice story to tell when everyone shares theirs. I know its really shallow and its the marriage that matters, not the proposal yadda yadda yadda and I am surprised by how sad it makes me but I guess I can't really help it.

This thread is split between those who think OP should tell OH ASAP and those who think she should tell him after the proposal. I'm with the ASAPs, because D-future-MIL has already trashed it for the OP. She has to be a fuckinggood actor if she can fake her surprise after this, and then she turns it all to ashes by telling him she already knew.
That makes it a RUBBISH engagement story for BOTH of them. OP can make a NEW story (for both of them) if she declares as early as possible that she knows.

And there's two ways to get engaged, and both of them are playing out on this thread....

One is one of the couple saying ".... so, let's get married!" (or an equivalent) and then they go off and choose a ring together before announcing to the world.

The other scenario is that one of the two arranges a 'surprise' which involves a ring.

Both are equally valid and lovely It's not surprising that in scenario two the one proposing seeks opinions, practices, etc.

I imagine that the OH of OP left his ring at his DM's house, and she took photos and shared them. Totally out of order of her!

I feel quite invested in this thread!

Don't let MIL ruin your moment. Don't tell DP take the proposal in the spirit it is intended. Tell him some time in the future.
I am not surprised he confinded in his mother that is rather sweet and that is partly why you are marrying him. Congrats.

I'd tell him. Don't start marriage on a lie, that is effectively just to save his Mum's skin.

I'd tell him, and then elope and get married without telling her. Two can play that game, sunshine!!

But this is my point, mydietstartsmonday... If she let's him "have his moment" and then later reveals it as bollocks because future MIL ruined it for her, that then trashes it for him and his memory of it. She ruins it twice!

So be honest, and then it may trash what he had planned (Really sad and a shame, but let him be angry with his DM over that) and then let them create a new moment together, which is honest and sets the grounds for their relationship together going forward (my wedding anniversary this weekend - over 20 years bows)

She may never have seen the ring. He could have sent her pic he'd taken to ask opinion or say this is it or do you think she'll like it.

Just say your mum showed me nice ring when she was showing holiday pics, she's found out she's getting it as a surprise from your dad. Shame she's spoilt his surprise though.

Let us know what you decide tough and congratulations for when it does happen.

Flying the OP said it was taken on the MIL's table so she must have seen it.

Maybe I'm naive but I think it could just be a mistake! I'd probably still tell him though. Your poor DP!

Flying no. OP says it was obviously taken on MIL's table as the tablecloth was in view.

She did it because she knew at best it would ruin the surprise, and at worst it would create drama and conflict between you and your boyfriend.

Don't let that happen. Pretend you never saw it, and enjoy your boyfriend's genuine happiness and love when he proposes the way he wants to.

Then keep her at arm's length for the rest of your lives together.

I would actually throw the ball back in her court and tell her she needs to speak to him!
Just tell her the truth, ' you inadvertantly ^^ showed me a picture of a beautiful ring and then made it clear it was something to do with me.
I would hate DP to plan something expecting me to be surprised and I would appreciate it if you let him know about your mishap as it'll be better coming from you rather than me, as obviously he will need to know'

Fwiw, the showage aside, she probably took a sneaky pic to show off to her friends proudly.
My DPs knew DH was going to propose and in hindsight, my mother nearly exploded with not being able to blurt out the news to all and sundry before I knew.

So sorry she felt the need to upstage her own son on this - how very fucking rude!

I would tell him. I would say something along the lines of "I was at your mum's today and she was showing me her holiday pics, then accidentally kept going and showed me a photo of a diamond ring - then made a big thing of it. I'm shit at pretending I haven't seen it so I thought I'd let you know that I have"

I agree that it would really take the shine out of it if you let him do his big surprise and then say "that was great but I already knew you had the ring, your ma showed me a photo" - that could be really hurtful. I know I'd feel really deflated, and somewhat cheated, if that happened to me. A real "why did I bother" sort of feeling. I'd far rather know ahead that there was no point.

Whatever you do try not to let his proposal also become a showdown about his ghastly mother. I recognise her behaviour and it is not pretty. She will proceed to making your wedding and any subsequent life events all about her. Start putting some distance between her and you as a couple for the sake of your long term future.

Why is there no chance she did it accidentally?

Does she have history of doing this type of thing?

You need to tell your DP as starting marriage on a lie is very bad and he'll not trust you once mil tells him the truth (which she will).

How very bloody awkward.

If you want to marry him can you keep quiet? It is still special and lovely, you just have a massive indicator that it is on the horizon 😀

Don't ruin his build up and give your future Dmil the benefit of the doubt. There is a long road ahead......

Any conversation about it now will taint the whole thing and vould cause a rift between you both and his mother, which is very sad.

Omg please don't tell him and ruin his proposal !!!

I cannot believe people are suggesting it.

But tho OP won't be ruining his the proposal, his mothers already done that, I'd tell him now.

But tho OP won't be ruining his the proposal, his mothers already done that, I'd tell him now.

No she hasn't - not if the OP keeps her mouth shut. Her MIL wants the proposal to be ruined. There is no way I would let her know it worked.

If she tells him, and he doesn't instantly and completely take her side - drama aplenty. All he has to say is 'Oh I'm sure she didn't do it on purpose' and then what? Mission accomplished as far as MIL is concerned.

But what happens of after the proposal mil tells dp that op knew..

Then he knows op is faking surprise or lying by omission etc...

I would tell him. It can still be a surprise I suppose. He doesn't have to get the ring out immediately?

I agree it would be nice not to spoil his moment but if she turns out to be the bitch you think she will then she is going to admit to him she let if slip and cause a row between you. You have to tell him now but insist you believe it was an accident on her part. You do want to give her the chance to blame you for being nasty about her so called slip up when she brings on the tears that she didn't mean to.