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Original poster

Livid! To think she did this on purpose??

277 replies

Bribrielliott · 26/10/2016 13:33

Ahh I'm so annoyed! Name changed for this. So "future" mil was showing me some photos of her holiday on her phone and she carried on swiping past the holiday ones until she got to a diamond ring, then started shouting oh no I've ruined the surprise, don't tell him you have seen it, he will be so upset etc. whilst keeping the photo on!!!! I so think she has done this on purpose, we have had a rocky relationship in the past but I thought we had got over that but honestly it was so over dramatic the way she was talking and if she had just carried on swiping I wouldn't have thought anything of it!! I'm so upset that I know and that she has ruined the surprise, as I really wouldn't have expected it. Also feel sad for dp and hope I can act surprised when it happens.

OP posts:
slenderisthenight · 26/10/2016 16:08

I don't think most DILs would mind not being the first woman alive to See the Ring. It's just this MIL. Because of what she's done.

CantChoose · 26/10/2016 16:14

My DH took his mum with him to help choose my ring and I'm glad he did - it's lovely! Though she didn't even tell his dad, let alone me...
I actually found it quite sweet. Each to their own I suppose!

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 26/10/2016 16:14

OP there is no way it was a coincidence, or an accident. How selfish!

Why don't you wait until the 3 of you are in the same room and then bring up the photo and the "surprise"? That way she would have to deal with the consequences of her behaviour. Would love to watch her squirm.

2kids2dogsnosense · 26/10/2016 16:22

I have no problem with MIL's seeing rings
Taking a photo is a bit weird, but OK that might happen.

Taking a photo and then OOPS, mistakenly showing your future DIL, "silly me", with who you don't have a fantastic relationship is hugely dodgy

Just what Panda has said.

He may have bought the ring and shown her because he is so excited. Or maybe she "accidentally" came across it while she was raking through his private belongings to feed her paranoia and find something she could manipulate you both with dusting.

Taking a photograph of it is distinctly odd unless she was showing her friends "Look what he's bought that little cow and all I got for my birthday is batch salts-- "

"Accidentally" (she seems to have a lot of "accidents") showing you is definitely shit-stirring. She WILL drop you in it if you don't mention that you've seen it.

There have been some good suggestions as yo how to let I'm know that you know - or you could say, "Please don't be annoyed at your mother but . . ."

It's a difficult situation, because as others have mentioned she could be winding you up and downloaded a photo from online, or take a picture of a friend's ring or something (I'm not suggesting your DP doesn't love you, just that he might not have this in mind just at the moment.). She might be hoping that you'll scare him off if you seem too excited, and she has an ace up her sleeve if you don't mention it.

Biffsboys · 26/10/2016 16:24

My mil helped my dh pick my ring , I got I more expensive one because she did Smile

Original poster
Bribrielliott · 26/10/2016 16:30

Ahh now I'm nervous incase she is winding me up!! But I know it was taken at her dining table, I could see her frilly table cloth Grin and I can't think of another reason she would have that ring there, it's very engagement like. And dp's sister is already engaged.
I'm now stuck on when to say anything, I'm definitely going to but don't know I before or after would be best??! Think it might have to be before though just incase she does try and twist it.

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 26/10/2016 16:32

I don't think the issue is the MIL seeing the ring. No-one surely thinks that rings fall from heaven into the hands of the proposer at the opportune moment! I think it's her deliberately revealing the surprise engagement plans before the event that's the problem.

Original poster
Bribrielliott · 26/10/2016 16:32

And I'm not bothered that she has seen it, i reckon he is hiding it there. He does the same with my birthday and Christmas presents. But why she felt the need to take a photo is baffling!

OP posts:
HanYOLO · 26/10/2016 16:38

I agree, don't let her spoil it
Let him propose and then be all like - oh is that what MIL was on about
Marks her card without you having to be strange about it

Mollykate12 · 26/10/2016 16:38

My future mother in law does stuff like that all the time! We're currently living with my fiancée's mum and stepdad, my fiancée tells me his mum is fine with us moving out into our own home, then when he's not there she bitches about him behind his back! Saying how he's living in a dream world about us having our own home when she even knows we can actually afford it and it is a reality! No idea what she's up to a lot of the time, she clearly doesn't want to let him go

Cherrysoup · 26/10/2016 16:48

I don't think the issue is the MIL seeing the ring. No-one surely thinks that rings fall from heaven into the hands of the proposer at the opportune moment! I think it's her deliberately revealing the surprise engagement plans before the event that's the problem.

This. Seeing the ring before the OP really isn't the problem. Future mil deliberately leaving the picture on and being a dramatic cow about it is the problem. OP, I would tell your DP-in front of your soon to be mil. Don't let her play games with you.

ample · 26/10/2016 17:12

She showed you a photo. It doesn't seem accidental.

I would wait for DP to propose.
After, when you accept and see the ring ... Oh it's beautiful... Wink
THEN tell the story ... There was a ring your mum showed me...she had a photo... etc etc.

Otherwise your engagement and the story of how you found out your DP proposed will be down to your MIL and not about you. That's not on!

If she is using it to cause friction, hopefully he'll see right through her. Some MIL's are lovely; some are lovely and have a sly/spiteful/nasty streak. Either way, you don't really have a way of knowing right now what her true intentions are.
Wait for the question to be popped. Enjoy the moment.
And congratulations! Flowers

hopeful31yrs · 26/10/2016 17:15

Congratulations OP. I'd also tell your DP - make it clear that she let you know and take that power away from her that she's clearly exerting.

My MIL was showing me pictures of my DH when he was younger when we were almost engaged (had been going out for many years and I was clearly his longest, most stable relationship). She had been clearing out paperwork and "Oops" there were the pictures of him as a 21 year old getting married in a lavish ceremony with his blond, thin, beautiful ex. This was a quick marriage as he'd had a job offer in the USA and the ex pressurised him into getting married and consequently it didn't last long. His MIL apparently was dead set against the marriage but obv. kept the pictures 15 years to annoy me with them. My DH hasn't told me much about this time in his life - it's one of great heartache and he was left in a job in the USA alone - the whole relationship was over within a year or so. She wasn't embarrassed and I bet the bloody photos are still there languishing for when her affairs are to be sorted and then we'll be left with them Angry

ample · 26/10/2016 17:19

And hopefully your MIL isn't showing it to all and sundry before you are engaged Hmm
That will take some shine away from you [showing the ring].
Congratulations, oh yes beautiful ring...we've already seen it!....

Grrr Angry

mum2Bomg · 26/10/2016 17:26

I'd say something like, "Your Mum totally freaked out as she showed me a photo of a ring by accident on her phone...no idea what that's about!" And leave it at that. Then he will know but can make something up if he wants to and it won't ruin anything.

mum2Bomg · 26/10/2016 17:27

Even better - as ample said - tell him afterwards...congratulations!

BewtySkoolDropowt · 26/10/2016 17:58

I'd take a different tactic.

I'd propose now. I'd ask him before he had a chance to ask me. The next time he does something lovely I would say something along the lines of 'oh (Dave/Simon/Matthew/Bartholomew) you are so lovely, I can't imagine my life without you.. will you.. etc.

It is a leap year after all!

Then if I didn't care for the ring I would preempt any conversation about the ring and say 'I'd really like a (simple/ornate/platinum/ etc) ring (whatever is most obviously not what is there).

If I liked the ring I would go with it.

But then I'm an awkward sod that would want things not to go the way that future mil is expecting.

Richardhun · 26/10/2016 18:11

She has pissed on your chips! That's a very mean thing to do.

Clearly she feels threatened. I would tell your Fiancé and I would also make a joke to her about not letting her in on any pregnancies as she's not watertight.

I see trouble ahead.

ICuntSeeYourPoint · 26/10/2016 18:13

I'm so annoyed on your behalf, no way it was an accident. I'd tell dp tonight as well I think, otherwise it's kind of colluding with her to deceive him about you knowing.

5toMidnight · 26/10/2016 18:18

I think you need to tell him ASAP because there is a risk she might tell him first and rewrite the history of what actually happened.

LetsSplashMummy · 26/10/2016 18:24

I would wait until after he asks - he might have a plan that goes beyond the ring and you would be allowing her the scupper that. It is also lovely for him to pluck up the courage. You could then say "MIL showed me a photo of this ring, I think, I'm really glad it is one you chose for me, I didn't really know why she was showing me but I did think it was lovely."

My DH would have been gutted (even though I totally suspected) as making the plan was something important to him. She hasn't ruined the where/ what he says etc. so just wait for that bit.

CoraPirbright · 26/10/2016 18:47

My dm did that. Well, she didnt show me the ring but she did tell me that he was going to ask me. I was flabbergasted and annoyed with her and when I asked her why she did it, she said she "wanted to give me the joy of it". When I said it wasn't hers to give, she didn't really have an answer but she does have a bad history of trying to be really over-involved in my life so it didn't really surprise me.

I didn't tell dh as he would probably have called it off in a fit of peak and also I didn't want their relationship to get any worse than it already was (he finds her really annoying). So I had to feign surprise and the question-popping moment was a bit crap generally so I am really sad I don't have a nice story to tell when everyone shares theirs. I know its really shallow and its the marriage that matters, not the proposal yadda yadda yadda and I am surprised by how sad it makes me but I guess I can't really help it.

2kids2dogsnosense · 26/10/2016 18:49

I think you need to tell him ASAP because there is a risk she might tell him first and rewrite the history of what actually happened

Never thought about that, but ou are right.

Some rubbish story like "I went into the kitchen to put the kettle on (or to the toilet, or let the dog out - whatever) and when I came back Bribrie was scrolling through my phone and found a picture of that LOVELY ring you bought - and I'm so sorry darling, I know you said to keep it secret, but it was SOOOOO lovely I just wanted a keepsake image and I never, NEVER expected her to go into my phone - I mean, you just don't do that with someone's private property, do you? But I'm afraid the secret is out - I soooo sorry! It's all my fault, I blame myself ( wipes away a tear) etc etc etc

GrinchyMcGrincherson · 26/10/2016 19:05

I think you have to make the call here. If your history is rocky and you think this might happen:

rewrite the history of what actually happened. Some rubbish story like "I went into the kitchen to put the kettle on (or to the toilet, or let the dog out - whatever) and when I came back Bribrie was scrolling through my phone and found a picture of that LOVELY ring you bought - and I'm so sorry darling, I know you said to keep it secret, but it was SOOOOO lovely I just wanted a keepsake image and I never, NEVER expected her to go into my phone - I mean, you just don't do that with someone's private property, do you? But I'm afraid the secret is out - I soooo sorry! It's all my fault, I blame myself ( wipes away a tear) etc

You need to tell him first to protect yourself from this venom. As quickly and factually as possible and show him that you are a bit upset and sad about it as you "wanted him to have his special moment" or something.

If you think she will keep totally quiet as she isn't a total bitch maybe tell him a couple of days after the proposal. (I'm so happy about this, I just wish mil hadn't shown me the photo beforehand but nevermind the ring is beautiful and your proposal was lovely and we are getting married squee) Then he knows she fucked up but you aren't making a big thing about it.

ollieplimsoles · 26/10/2016 19:14

She has done it on purpose to both ruin your surprise and let you know she is in charge.

Ok, her son showed her the ring, why take a picture? Its not her ring.

Watch out op, that's all I'm saying

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