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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DH's SN have prevented me from helping a woman in need

407 replies

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 24/10/2016 19:46

Trying to cut it short - acquaintance I first met 12 years ago, she moved away, lost contact, met her in the street a wee while ago, gave her my number etc....

Her life is a mess. Too much detail would be identifying, but essentially it's a mess, mostly not of her doing....

She phoned tonight when I was dropping my youngest at an activity - she needed a place to stay tonight until she can get to the council offices first thing tomorrow.

I feel so upset as I had to turn her down. My DH is autistic and has social phobia - he simply couldn't have coped if I had brought a stranger home to stay overnight no matter how in need she was.

I had to turn her down - she was in tears and obviously desperate for a place to spend the night. I offered her sleeping bag/air bed etc if she can find somewhere to go but I feel helpless as I couldn't help her.

My DH is supposed to be away with work this week and if he had been away she could have come, but as he is here I honestly had no choice.

I don't have the money to pay for her to have a night in a b&b or anything, and she clearly doesn't have the money either.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 25/10/2016 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust · 25/10/2016 08:59

I'm not trying to say I don't believe it, just that it is hard to understand how someone can deal reasonably well with ambiguity, surprise, social interaction etc in one context but not transfer it to another at all. I believe the OP. It is just hard for me to imagine it.

IzzyIsBusy · 25/10/2016 09:07

At work i just manage to deal with the unexpected. It is really hard work and i am beyond tired at the end of the day because of it.
My brain knows home is a safe space where i dont have to battle with my anxiety because nothing unexpected happens. If i came home to find a stranger in my house staying over the anxiety would be through the roof as i had not prepared for it.

I dont see whats difficult to understand.

BombadierFritz · 25/10/2016 09:08

so people without autism would be fine doing this but the op's dh, because of his autism, lack of empathy and social phobia, wouldnt?
dont think so! its just an autism blame game.

Mindtrope · 25/10/2016 09:08

trifleorbust.

You don't understand? My OH is like this. He travels a great deal with work, gives presentations, meets new people every day, constantly in and out of meetings, but doesn't socialise. He is a very private person, lets very few people into his life.

At work he copes because he is talking about systems and technical stuff, he can keep his guard , and is happy to give a talk in front of 100 people.
He is deeply uncomfortable talking about his personal life with anyone outside our immediate family.
It makes perfect sense to me.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 25/10/2016 09:08

Genuine question - if your dh cannot emphasise, how will you manage issue with the children of an emotional or sensitive nature? What if they go to their father and tell him they had a fight at school, are getting picked on, feel scared after a film? Etc. Will he just send them to talk to you? What if anything ever happened to you, could he manage?

BombadierFritz · 25/10/2016 09:10

most people wouldnt do this. some with more reason than others. saying you want to do it but someone else's phobia stops you is almost certainly disingenuous.

CozyAutumn · 25/10/2016 09:12

If someone was in that much need I would have booted dh out for the night personally if he felt he couldn't cope.

Her husband comes first in his own home.
What would you say if a man kicked his wife out of her home so he could help his mate out? Hmmm?

Amelie10 · 25/10/2016 09:15

Op how does he cope with your kids bringing people home. Do they have to run it past him way in advance? How does he manage the unexpectedness that comes with children?

Trifleorbust · 25/10/2016 09:15

No, I don't understand. I believe her but I find it hard to understand, not having had experience of this.

BombadierFritz · 25/10/2016 09:18

booting out is ridiculous
the dh might have offered, although of course, like most nt people, he probably wouldnt. I am probably biased as pretty much all my friends and family are on the spectrum, and they pretty much all would rather suffer themselves than see another person suffer, rather than make themselves feel better for inaction by blaming other people. but as they say, know one person with as, you know one person with as.

TirednessIsComing · 25/10/2016 09:22

I don't think it's fair to say your husbands sn stopped you from helping her out. I understand the logic but it sounds like blaming when it's a reason, not an excuse. No different from if your family weren't comfortable with the idea or worried. You put your family first. You can still can help her now in different ways if you chose too.

I'm a bit cynical but you don't know this woman anymore, you meet her in the street and believe (what could be true) to the extent that you are now guilting yourself over it? You don't know this woman, you have no idea who she really is or what has happened.

I have to be honest I would not have someone in my house who was little more than a stranger to me. Nor would I expect my family too. She could be lovely and really having a shit time. She could be a toxic user who saw you an easy mark. She could be anyone.

Even if she found a room with a friend then she'll still need help today. Even if you can't physically support her you could give emotional support.

BombadierFritz · 25/10/2016 09:30

TirednessisComing I think most people, nt or not, feel the same way. You think about your family first. Most partners, nt or not, would not want a homeless acquaintance sleeping over. For someone with social anxiety it would be even worse. I have struggled a little with ops description of her dh, frankly the people I know most likely to let a practical stranger they find on the street sleep at their house, would be people on the spectrum. I dont actually see it as a very nt thing to do. its quite nt to say you want to, agonise over it, then not do it and blame someone else. but to take op at her word, she would have done it if her dh were not there. laudable. her dh might even have come up with another solution, so when they talk it over, they can perhaps decide together what to do in a similar 'uninvited possible guest' scenario.

TirednessIsComing · 25/10/2016 09:35

Ah good BombadierFritz. I wasn't sure if it was just the cynic in me that makes me err on cautions side. It seemed like a lot of people would chose someone they didn't know which seems strange to me.

Mindtrope · 25/10/2016 09:38

Autism or not it's not unreasonable not to want a randomer homeless person going through turbulent times to sleep on my sofa.

Surprised so many would open their homes to such an unknown intrusion.

BombadierFritz · 25/10/2016 09:41

oh i'm not popular on this thread :) but I think most people on here have said they wouldnt, especially after the update about the homeless shelter. what was interesting was the poster who said shelters can throw you out for no reason. I actually did think it would be drink or drug related and it would have affected my decision, so it was a good thing to learn.

BombadierFritz · 25/10/2016 09:42

its a very sad situation for this woman. i hopeop is able to offer emotional or different practical support. her dh might have some good ideas too.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 25/10/2016 09:52

Bombadier, if you really do know a number of people with autism you really should know that you cannot generalise about it. OP knows her husband best, a number of people with first hand knowledge have come onto this thread to say they would find this impossible to cope with. Are you seriously suggesting they're all lying?

pklme · 25/10/2016 09:53

It surprises me that OP is being criticised for posting. People post on here all the time looking for reassurance or understanding. Her life is affected by the SN of her husband. You don't get magically turned into a superhero when you marry someone with SN. You just muddle through together, just like all the other couples. If people who are impacted by the SN of their nearest and dearest are not allowed to mention it, then they will all be under even more pressure.

BarbarianMum · 25/10/2016 09:56

This thread makes grim reading. I'm amazed how many people appear to think that because they don't understand something there is nothing to understand. Sad

TempusEedjit · 25/10/2016 09:59

Amelie OP said upthread that her DC only have friends round when her DH is away.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 25/10/2016 10:04

My DH (also almost certainly autistic) would have coped by cooking a meal (practical problem solving) then shutting himself in another room and watching TV (possibly all night). However, he comes from a very large family who often had random cousins and in-laws and the like staying so it is something within his expectation of normal.
He may well keep churning it over in his mind so I would be having random conversation about the visit for the next couple of weeks as he processessed it.

I can easily see why the OP's DH wouldn't have coped.

I do think that people mistake struggling to empathise with not caring. DH does care very much about us but he does forget that we don't have the same thought processes and reactions to him. So, if I am upset he will leave me alone to process my thoughts because that is what he would want. I have to tell him that I need a hug because when he is upset he wouldn't want one.

yellowfrog · 25/10/2016 10:04

Amelie10: "Op how does he cope with your kids bringing people home. Do they have to run it past him way in advance? How does he manage the unexpectedness that comes with children?"

The OP has explained this alreday

IzzyIsBusy · 25/10/2016 10:05

I will probably be labelled a bad mum but my DC dont bring friends i dont know in the house. There are 2 we have known 10 years and i am ok with them but DC know that new friends need to wait outside.

I hate that my condition affects my children. Sad

hazeyjane · 25/10/2016 10:05

Of course people should be able to post for support and advice about a family member with a disabilty. But the op isn't doing that. This thread just seems to lay out her dh's needs for inspection, on AIBU of all places, so that people can pick over his rights to feel the way he does.

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