My DH's SN have prevented me from helping a woman in need

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

Trying to cut it short - acquaintance I first met 12 years ago, she moved away, lost contact, met her in the street a wee while ago, gave her my number etc....

Her life is a mess. Too much detail would be identifying, but essentially it's a mess, mostly not of her doing....

She phoned tonight when I was dropping my youngest at an activity - she needed a place to stay tonight until she can get to the council offices first thing tomorrow.

I feel so upset as I had to turn her down. My DH is autistic and has social phobia - he simply couldn't have coped if I had brought a stranger home to stay overnight no matter how in need she was.

I had to turn her down - she was in tears and obviously desperate for a place to spend the night. I offered her sleeping bag/air bed etc if she can find somewhere to go but I feel helpless as I couldn't help her.

My DH is supposed to be away with work this week and if he had been away she could have come, but as he is here I honestly had no choice.

I don't have the money to pay for her to have a night in a b&b or anything, and she clearly doesn't have the money either.

I have suffered with anxiety for over a year. I took 8 months off from work and the last 10 months have been hard but i manage work now with lots of support.
I could not cope with a stranger in my home.
Home is the only place i dont feel anxious and can relax. Having anxiety is damn stressful and wearing and i spend 12 hours a day controlling it so home for me is my "release".
That does not make me a bad person but some posters on this thread seem to think it does.

navy I am not suggesting you are lying.

I don't encourage my children to take money from strangers, and I wouldn't encourage other people's children to take money from strangers either.
Not being able to buy popcorn is not a hardship.

I dont think people thought the ops dh was a bad person? I guess I was surprised she didnt actually ask her dh, but with the further detail of the quick phone call, it seemed a spur of the minute decision was needed. I wonder what he will say in a few days when they talk it through. its not such a bad thing to have a plan for - well not exactly this situation, but last minute guest thing. he might actually prefer to go elsewhere or to pay for a room in a hotel for guest.

The problem with talking about it with him, again depending on him as a person, it could well just lead to something else for him to worry about and be a source of anxiety, he may have also felt compelled to agree even though it would be stressful for him.

OP If your husband has a good job then you can help your friend if you really wanted to. How much would a B&B cost? £60-£100 for the night? It doesn't sound like you are struggling to make ends meet. I think the truth is you feel sorry for your friend but don't want to shell out any money.

And anyway, she will cope, it's really not your problem. There are organisations which can help, and if you give her a sleeping bag, that may help.

I don't know much about special needs, but your partner (male or female) or children's welfare should trump a strangers.

like I say I don't know much about special needs but even I can see there's many posts on here. Is it really so hard to understand how you can go outside, have a job and stay in hotels but be uncomfortable with strangers in your house?

I know, oh well I am going to leave this thread. essentially I think the op is not giving her dh (who works, has kids and a marriage lets remember) a chance and infantiles him, but is happy to use him as the excuse for not doing something she probably didnt want to do anyway. i'm also still massively annoyed about the whole stereotype of 'lacking empathy' thing (fair enough to op, her dh might, lots of people do, more the comments in general, especially the hints that people lacking empathy must be on the spectrum, like its an insult). it doesnt fit with any of the people I know on the spectrum, all of whom are really kind and empathetic people, they just might need something drawing to their attention a bit first.

oh I know, I dont know why this thread wound me up so much. tbh how many of us would be happy if our partners brought home a random acquaintance sleeping rough? did the op really even want to herself?

is it better to have empathy, do nothing, then blame the special needs of partner, for instance?

PinkSquash I'd wonder what had happened that they kicked her out from the homeless shelter, from personal experience it has to be pretty bad for them to decide that she cannot stay.

What rubbish. Homeless hostels in England (don't know about UK overall) have no duty to house anyone unless they count as "priority need", although some do. I was in a hostel temporarily and once they'd decided I wasn't "priority" they were quite happy to boot me out with nowhere to go.

Interesting that we have posts deleted for disablism, but it's apparently completely fine to cast asperions on someone because they are homeless.

What an incredibly awkward thread.

I will admit to finding the idea of a person with autism being able to manage the unpredictable nature of a full time job with international travel, but being entirely unable to countenance the idea of someone sleeping on his sofa, difficult to understand. Having said that, I don't know him. It is possible that this is how his disability manifests itself.

He was not, of course, asked in this case. It's also possible that the OP didn't want to agree to her acquaintance sleeping in their house, feels utterly awful that this is the bottom line, and is trying to justify it using her DH's needs as the reason. Understandable.

Either way, very awkward...

Op, as someone who is married, and working (as a teacher, who feels empathy ta very much) with ASD, I think you did the right thing. I trust my husband to keep my home my safe space.
The ignorance in this thread hurts.

But why would anyone house a random acquaintance sfter a chance meeting in the street on their own say so that their life is a mess not their own doing

I would be beyond livid if my dh did this.

I just don't understand why you would set your dh up to be the focus of all these musings about his disability, by a load of people you don't know on AIBU.

All these comments wondering about how he copes at work/travelling/with dcs friends - they remind me of the comments people make about people with blue badges who can walk, or people who claim disability benefits but hold down jobs, or the child who receives additional support in school that other parents wonder about, 'why doesn't their child get extra help....' 'well I can't see what's wrong with him' 'well he managed to walk across the car park, why does he get to park there' 'well he manages to go to work, so he cant have that much social anxiaety' Why are people so bloody suspicious and disbelieving of disability? Why do people think one person with a disability is the same as all the other people with that disability? I have about 1000 more why's but this thread has made me steam!

It is understandable to not want a virtual stranger in your home, of course.

Something similar happened to me a few years ago - an actual stranger in a pub with nowhere to go asked if he could sleep on our sofa for one night. It still upsets me, but I said no. Horrible.

I'm sorry that I have upset people by starting this thread - it wasn't my intention at all.

I'm glad some people can understand me that my husband has a job etc but can't have people he doesn't know round to stay. Like I said - we have been together 18 years and I know that him - as an individual person with autism - could not have coped.

I'll do my best with the details I have to check on her today

OP I am with you. Both OH and I are incredibly private people. Our home is our sanctuary. We don't socialise very much, although both have jobs that involve a lot of contact with others.
We would both feel very uncomfortable having someone staying in this situation.

Op you did the right thing for your family.

The real problem is that in this day and age people still have to beg around for somewhere to stay or pay 17.50 for a night in a homeless shelter, if they fit the criteria. Was watching the Victorian Slum and that had homeless people paying to sit on a bench hanging over a rope. It's crazy that in this day we have people who spend even a single night on the street. Yes, they may have issues that led them there but if they had the right provision and the very least a bed for the night they might be able to recover.

It's not your responsibility to house this woman overnight. There should be a system in place that helps her in this time of need. That's what has failed here.

I would be very cautious op and have your guard up here.

I dont think uou have done anything wrong by starting this thread Bath. It has highlighted the astounding ignorance of some posters when it comes to SN/anxiety but has also shown that alot understand the difficulties your DH would face.

You did the right thing. I am sorry for this women but you were not in a position to give immediate help.

Bombadier - plenty of people have explained how this works, how autistic people can be married, hold down jobs, have children yet still need their safe space.
You're either skipping past these posts or you're being obtuse.
You are judging the situation by your own NT standards. Would you judge a person for having an asthma attack?