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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DH's SN have prevented me from helping a woman in need

407 replies

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 24/10/2016 19:46

Trying to cut it short - acquaintance I first met 12 years ago, she moved away, lost contact, met her in the street a wee while ago, gave her my number etc....

Her life is a mess. Too much detail would be identifying, but essentially it's a mess, mostly not of her doing....

She phoned tonight when I was dropping my youngest at an activity - she needed a place to stay tonight until she can get to the council offices first thing tomorrow.

I feel so upset as I had to turn her down. My DH is autistic and has social phobia - he simply couldn't have coped if I had brought a stranger home to stay overnight no matter how in need she was.

I had to turn her down - she was in tears and obviously desperate for a place to spend the night. I offered her sleeping bag/air bed etc if she can find somewhere to go but I feel helpless as I couldn't help her.

My DH is supposed to be away with work this week and if he had been away she could have come, but as he is here I honestly had no choice.

I don't have the money to pay for her to have a night in a b&b or anything, and she clearly doesn't have the money either.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 25/10/2016 00:24

My dc has asd but that doesn't mean they are incapable of change.

If only the OP's DH was your DC.

Everything would be rosey...

WitchOfEorzea · 25/10/2016 00:28

I have been diagnosed with high functioning autism, my dd with asd.

I still wouldn't comment on what someone else with autism 'should' cope with because we aren't all the same, somewhat like black people, women and any other minority you could mention.

Careforadrink · 25/10/2016 00:30

Worra

My point was I'm not unfamiliar with autism.

But people on the spectrum are not untouchable. Certain situations have more urgency than others.

I think the op was bu.

WorraLiberty · 25/10/2016 00:48

And you're entitled to state your opinion Careforadrink

But you seem to be basing it on your experience of your DC.

Which is not the OP's experience.

For example, my 84 year old ex FIL went for a jog this morning and then went to the gym to lift weights.

I'm not unfamiliar with 84 year old men because my own Dad is 84.

However, there is no way he could manage to go jogging and lift weights in the gym.

SporkLife · 25/10/2016 01:31

*Yes it may be challenging but it's better than the alternative for that poor woman.

I too think if someone is married, holding down a job that involves travel then an attempt should have been made to compromise. *

That may be the case for your dc, but that's only them, I have all of them (job, married, although I don't travel anymore) and I couldn't cope at all in this situation, presumably op knows/thinks that's the same for her dh, different people, different coping ability and threshold.

RollerGirl7 · 25/10/2016 06:23

How does he cope op with all the uncertainty of international travel, the spontaneous situations that could develop as part of working with other people??

Eg flights cancelled, hotels overbooked, someone getting Ill in work or being moody/ snappy.

Yes I have limited experience of asd/ aytusm but it's difficult to reconcile how he can function so well at some things and struggle with others. Just because he is disabled doesn't mean he always has the greatest need, imo.

ProudAS · 25/10/2016 06:35

RollerGirl - he maybe copes by being on guard mentally and then letting it all out when he gets home.

I have Aspergers and am not totally unable to deal with disruption at work. It does stress me though to the point that I juat need to chill in the evening. Also, home needs to be a sanctuary away from this unpredictability.

Please stop judging an autistic person by neurotypical standards.

Dontpanicpyke · 25/10/2016 06:42

Well I would object if my dh wanted to house a random acquaintance he had just met up with.

For the record I am on no spectrum.

Bruce02 · 25/10/2016 06:48

I am really shocked at the responses.

The OP doesnt know this woman. The woman claims her situation isn't her fault, but the OP doesnt know that. She doesn't know if she will actually leave, doesn't know her at all or anything about her that is fact.

The understanding of sn on this thread is shocking. Even from people who claim to have children with sn.

If people would take in a troubled stranger into their house, with no checks and knowing nothing about her then you are asking for trouble. With or without someone who has SN under the roof as well.

Mindtrope · 25/10/2016 06:54

Bruce, I agree. I wouldn't have had this women to stay either. The OP calls her an "acquaintance" who she hasn't had contact with for a while. i'm not in the habit of inviting near strangers to stay in my home.

With or without SN, to me that's not even the point here. I would have found a few local phone numbers for the woman- Social Services, Woman's Aid etc and left it at that.

Dontpanicpyke · 25/10/2016 07:00

Well quite ^^ no comment on the dhs needs but op you need to develop some commen sense.

NavyandWhite · 25/10/2016 07:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadLad · 25/10/2016 07:06

Well I would object if my dh wanted to house a random acquaintance he had just met up with.

How about if he "booted you out" for the night?

Dontpanicpyke · 25/10/2016 07:09

Exactly BadLad very strange behaviours

Bruce02 · 25/10/2016 07:12

the thought of this woman having no where to sleep through no fault of her own wouldn't sit well with me.

Op has no clue if it's through any fault of her own. She could have a drink or drug problem and been removed from a homeless hostel. Or been violent.

The woman could be an abuse victim or just someone who sees her as an opportunity to pump for cash. She has no idea.

Do you really give money to people you barely know?

This person is an acquaintance, the OP only knows what this person has told her. A person she hasn't had anything to do with for years.

NavyandWhite · 25/10/2016 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mindtrope · 25/10/2016 07:19

That's a lot of detail to pass on during a chance meeting in the street.

NavyandWhite · 25/10/2016 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mindtrope · 25/10/2016 07:21

Does the woman have no friends or family?

Mindtrope · 25/10/2016 07:24

I paid for the children's popcorn and drinks in the cinema in front of me in the queue as they were similarly trying to find enough money.

Hmm hardly an emergency situation. I never buy food in the cinema, far too expensive. Normally visit the Pound shop on the way.
I'll look out for you next time I go to the movies though.

Mindtrope · 25/10/2016 07:25

If my OH brought home some random person to stay the night I would not be happy.

NavyandWhite · 25/10/2016 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy · 25/10/2016 07:32

Ds would "cope" with changes in school but in actual fact would really struggle hide it and meltdown the second he gets home. Home is his safe place. It could well be similar for the ops DH and work.

Home should be a safe place for him and his needs should be considered above those of someone the OP barely knows.

Mindtrope · 25/10/2016 07:34

Cineworld and Odeon will not allow unaccompianed minors under the age of 8 into the cinema. And that means someone over the age of 18. Another older child will not suffice.
Company policy.

FallenSky · 25/10/2016 07:36

I've only just seen this thread, I'm glad MNHQ jumped in fairly quickly with the deletions.

Astounded. That's the only word I can think of that describes how I feel when I read threads like these. Because even though I shouldn't be surprised any more, I still can't quite believe some of the crap I see spouted. My DH and DS are both autistic. If all autistic people were the same it'd make my life a lot easier I can tell you that. But as has been explained, just because your own DC or friends DC or yourself would be able to cope with this situation, doesn't mean the next person could.

OP, you did the right thing for your family. I'm sure you feel awful about not being able to help this woman but unfortunately you can't help everyone. I wish I could help all the homeless people, all the starving people, all the people being bombed in their own homes. But I can't. It's not selfish to put your family first.

Do you have a way to contact her today to see if there is anything you can do to help that won't negatively affect yourself or your DH?