My DH's SN have prevented me from helping a woman in need

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

Trying to cut it short - acquaintance I first met 12 years ago, she moved away, lost contact, met her in the street a wee while ago, gave her my number etc....

Her life is a mess. Too much detail would be identifying, but essentially it's a mess, mostly not of her doing....

She phoned tonight when I was dropping my youngest at an activity - she needed a place to stay tonight until she can get to the council offices first thing tomorrow.

I feel so upset as I had to turn her down. My DH is autistic and has social phobia - he simply couldn't have coped if I had brought a stranger home to stay overnight no matter how in need she was.

I had to turn her down - she was in tears and obviously desperate for a place to spend the night. I offered her sleeping bag/air bed etc if she can find somewhere to go but I feel helpless as I couldn't help her.

My DH is supposed to be away with work this week and if he had been away she could have come, but as he is here I honestly had no choice.

I don't have the money to pay for her to have a night in a b&b or anything, and she clearly doesn't have the money either.

I don't know, I'm really on the fence with it. Calling someone's DH their "pet", linked to their disability, is pretty derogatory. I'd be offended if someone said to DP I was his pet.

I think worse posts have been allowed to stand tbh.

Possibly. I'm not sure that there is consistency yet.

Just catching up with the thread before bed. Haven't finished reading but

No I fucking well did NOT refer to the OP's DH as her pet autist!!

Fuck me!!

No, it was ohdearme1958's DH, wasn't it.

Maud I think it was Ohdear who (amongst others, presumably) reported my post. She felt strongly that what I said was amongst the worst comments of the thread.

Thanks for confirming, that's what I'd thought (and what I'd been trying to get at with my description and analogy of guys and cleaning) but I was beginning to think I'd got it wrong.

Look, I can't be doing with all this. I'm feeling really low at the moment and I've let all this get to me far more than I should/would normally. I don't like being misinterpreted/accused of things that I am far from being.

I think I should step away from mumsnet.

Thank you to the people who have posted supportive comments and understood where I'm coming from.

Papaver, the bit you've written in bold, that you replied to her with, calling her husband her pet autist, was surely right to be deleted?!

I don't agree with autist being blanket removed, but even rereading what you wrote now, i can see why it was removed. You wrote to create a reaction and offence, it was taken, and it was removed?

And no, there are other posts on here which were ignorant and rude, repeatedly so, but I can understand why yours was removed in this context.

Yes Stat, you were spot on with what I meant. Will finish reading the thread once I'm bed. I just lot the plot a bit at Wanna totally misrepresenting me.

I was not being disablist. My comment was not disablist. I am not fucking disablist!

At the time I was deleted, Elfy's comment was still up. So mine was deleted and hers still stood - hence my anger. It has now been deleted.

Papaver, you may not have meant it to be disablist, but that is how it came across to some people. I admit I read it that you were implying that a DH who was autistic was somehow inferior, a pet, below an NT in life. That was clearly not what you meant, and I can see from your further posts that, but can you see why others did take offence from it? And how it could have been construed as disablist at the time?

And we are on your side - I hate the blanket autism = no empathy bollocks.

Replace "Autist" with "man" or "guy" or something, and imagine the poster she was responding to had said something like "men are useless at cleaning, they just don't see dirt" and she'd responded with "that might be the case for your pet guy, but it's not true for all of them" then it wouldn't have been deleted for being sexist.
You have to say autist is in some way offensive for the sentence as a whole to be offensive or disablist. Sure, calling someone's husband their "pet" isn't especially lovely but in the context of MN it's far from a deleteable offence.

^^This is exactly it, thank you Stat - that's why I was cross. Imagine it was about accountants. Someone is miffed about something their accountant has done. Poster says "Oh I have an accountant; I know they don't have any empathy". I, as an accountant, am royally pissed off and respond Speak for your own pet accountant, because you clearly know very little about others.

Is that a deletable comment? Is that horrible, awful, the worst on this thread? Is that offensive? No? Why? It's because people don't pity and patronise accountants. They don't make lazy, sweeping statements about accountants based on the one they know. Surely if you don't think of autistic people as lesser, 'pet autist' isn't disablist? My comment was meant to highlight how fucking patronising Elfy's comment was by offending her, not be offensive per se!

Disclaimer: I am not an accountant. Two of my dearest friends are. They are very empathetic.

It certainly wasn't clearly disablist and whilst deleting it once was understandable continuing to delete it in subsequent explanatory posts and then to state that it was deleted for the word autist is not on.

I empathise massively. My dads previous girlfriend started a crap ton of drama about her not being able to come to our house because i have sever OCD, literally only me and my dad can come in the house and no way i could cope wih a stranger whose hygiene habits and bladder control i didn't know sitting in chairs, touching things etc. Accused my dad of still being married (my mum died) and ended the relationship and he was devastated. I felt so guilty but mental health problems can't be helped, and sometimes no matter how much we want to help people we just can't.

I think that someone with good job with international travel can probably mask their social anxiety outside the home, but needs the space at home to just be, to enable them to cope.

I am not sure what people think happens to autistic kids. They do not just 'get over' their autism, when they grow up. They may learn to manage things and cope in a slightly more socially acceptable way, but they are not suddenly 'cured' when they reach 18!

This is the lady's DH's home, somewhere that needs to be precious and protected to allow him to function as well as he does in the outside world for the OP and their family.

It is a shame you could not help her OP, but you have other priorities, and I think you chose the right path, although the guilt you feel is understandable.

Papaver, I don't think of autistic people as lesser, but your post insinuated that's what you meant. Wrongly from your explanations. But using the term autist in that way with pet was offensive. You gave an example of accountant or man, but what about other disability and special needs terms? Your pet autistic. Your pet dyslexic. Your pet dyspraxic. Your pet plus any sounds like it is being said in a derogatory manner towards the particular special need. And all of those I would expect to be deleted in the same vein as yours was.

The fact MN is blanketly deleting autist is different.

Ok, trying to think of a similar situation.

Someone being gay and using the word gay is not offensive. Is its homophobic. However, use the word gay to cause offensive (eg youre gay, that's so gay, or in your case your pet gay) and that is classed as homophobic.

Someone being called an autist, or referring to themselves as autist is not disablist. However in the context you wrote it, it sounded like it was being used in a derogatory way. Which was not your intention. But is how some people construed it.

MN would never blanket ban the word gay. So they shouldn't blanket ban the word autist. But I can see why, in this case, your post was misunderstood.

Sorry, second paragraph, second line should say it's not homophobic.