My DH's SN have prevented me from helping a woman in need

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

Trying to cut it short - acquaintance I first met 12 years ago, she moved away, lost contact, met her in the street a wee while ago, gave her my number etc....

Her life is a mess. Too much detail would be identifying, but essentially it's a mess, mostly not of her doing....

She phoned tonight when I was dropping my youngest at an activity - she needed a place to stay tonight until she can get to the council offices first thing tomorrow.

I feel so upset as I had to turn her down. My DH is autistic and has social phobia - he simply couldn't have coped if I had brought a stranger home to stay overnight no matter how in need she was.

I had to turn her down - she was in tears and obviously desperate for a place to spend the night. I offered her sleeping bag/air bed etc if she can find somewhere to go but I feel helpless as I couldn't help her.

My DH is supposed to be away with work this week and if he had been away she could have come, but as he is here I honestly had no choice.

I don't have the money to pay for her to have a night in a b&b or anything, and she clearly doesn't have the money either.

Bathsheba, you have every right to post wherever you like. In that situation, I don't know what I would have done after working my way through the list of obstacles to helping. I do know that my first thought would have been- uhoh, DH would never cope with that. That is not being disabling and blaming things on him that he cannot help- it is a reflection of the order in which we think things through.

Anyway, it sounds like a really tough situation for your friend, and I'm sure you are worrying about her and wishing that you'd been able to do something more practical. I'm sure you will have other opportunities to help other people. That's all we can do, sometimes.

The autism is a red herring.

There was this woman who is a random acquaintence from twelve years ago who calls the OP randomly to SAy that she's homeless and needs a bed for the night. As I said upthread, nobody would do that if they were genuine, they just wouldn't. Only a user or a waster or someone who had burned all their bridges. And yes, someone said upthread that a desperate person might, but a desperate person wouldn't be thinking of calling their random acquaintence from twelve years ago, they'd be calling someone close to them which she clearly doesn't have.

And you have to ask what she's done to be thrown out of a homeless shelter and whether you're happy to transfer that to your home. Drugs? Theft? Most likely drugs so would you want a junky on your sofa for the night month

And she's been happy living in a homeless shelter until now. Only now she's been thrown out is she going to run to the council, but not until she's freeloaded off the op for a few weeks or months.

Sorry but anyone who genuinely believes someone should throw their husband out fr the night in favour of a woman who's been thrown out of a homeless shelter, is probably on drugs and god knows what needs to give their head a wobble. Wouldn't touch her with a barge pole.

But this thread is a good platform for a bit of man/autism bashing. And IBU is irrelevant. It's not a free for all just because it's in aibu.

Thank goodness there are kindhearted people in this world, willing to help even where people are partially or fully responsible for the chaos in their lives. Thank goodness one mistake or even many do not render people worthy of the scrap heap.

How many homeless people do you have kipping at yours, Charleston?

OP, if the thread had been "my DH had a phone call today from an acquaintence who has been thrown out of a homeless hostel and needs somewhere to stay. I have never met this bloke and am really uncomfortable with the idea of letting a random strange bloke stay on the couch, aibu to say no?" The resounding response would be "yanbu, you shouldn't feel pressured into having a random bloke sleeping on your couch if you're not comfortable." No-one, not one single poster would say "yabu, if you don't like it then go and stay somewhere else."

I don't believe anyone on this thread would let a random woman they know very little about stay on their sofa. The response s on this thread are just bollocks.

I do everything I can to help people in need but there is no way I would let someone I barely knew into my house for the night with my DD there. Nothing to do with making anyone feel uncomfortable, just because her safety is my priority. When it is just me and DP after DD has moved out, then I maybe would. That is partially because DP is a PC so I would feel safer.

None. However anyone reading my post with basic comprehension skills should understand that I didn't say the OP or anyone else should take in a homeless person. I challenged the Daily Mail attitude that people who have made bad choices are not worthy of compassion or assistance.

I'm with you, Charleston. Just because the OP was unable to help this woman, doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to be helped. The thought of one of my siblings, parents, children being homeless makes me shudder.

Nonsense, Charleston. Who here has said that homeless people don't deserve compression? No-one. That doesn't equate to letting them stay in your house against someone's wishes or paying for a hotel for them if you don't have the money, though.

*Compassion, obvs.

WannaBe What a disgustingly horrible post. Why is it ok to bash someone for being homeless yet so fervently stick up for someone with Autism? I've been homeless BECAUSE I WAS DISABLED with mental health issues. I knew how to pay rent on time, am clean and tidy etc. but because I was reliant on benefits due to my MH it was virtually impossible to find a landlord willing to let to me. (I wasn't ill enough to qualify for "priority need" housing help though - extremely strict area.)

When I was homeless, lots of people I thought were friends just dumped me. Would you take in a homless friend? Others couldnt help due to their own living arrangements. I called anyone I could think of who could possibly help.

In addition, there are plenty of posters of here who are very alone in life and other posters point out how people lose touch over the years because they are busy with DC etc. So it's utterly abhorrent to state that it must be her own fault she has no-one to turn to!

Again, she doesn't sound like she'd qualify as "priority need" as thus the council have no duty to house her/give her a place in a hostel. Some councils do anyway, but could easily have a time limit on this, or she could have been in a hostel temporaily whilst they made a decision on "priority" (this happened to me).

I'm not sticking up for anyone with autism, I am defending the right of anyone to not want their partner to bring home a complete stranger who both they, and the partner, know nothing about.

The OP herself said she knew very little of this woman's circumstanceS and hadn't seen her for twelve years. She's not a friend, not even really an acquaintence by most people's definition, and yet people on here are suggesting that in order to accommodate her the husband should A, be thrown out for the night, B the the OP should sneak her in behind her husband's back.... Let's be honest here these aren't suggestions that anyone would think in the real world. Only the delusional ramblings of the aibu keyboard masses.

And fact is that most people who are genuinely homeless also have substance abuse issues. No homeless charity would advocate bringing a complete stranger into your home, and in the cities at least the homeless charities are adamant that there are beds for everyone who is genuinely homeless. So no, if she's been chucked out of the shelter at short notice there must be a bloody serious reason why and there is not a chance in hell I'd be taking that on not knowing the risks.

Homeless shelters are at breaking point here in London. Now way is there anywhere near enough of them to give everyone a bed for the night.

According to statistics, the amount of people sleeping rough on the streets of England (not sure about the rest of the UK) has actually doubled since 2010.

Many will have drug, alcohol and/or mental health issues.

But you don't have to do anything wrong in order to get 'kicked out' of a homeless hostel. Many of them have to close due to lack of funding.

No-one knows why she can't stay there any more so there's no point in speculating.

However, that doesn't mean the OP should have to give her a bed for the night.

Thank you to those who said i am not a crap mum

I do feel i am sometimes especially when my children know to leave new friends outside it just shows how my illness has impacted on them as it is now an unspoken rule. I wish i could be normal like their friends mums.

I try hard everyday not let anxiety take over my life but at home i can rest because i dont have to control it. My family support me by controlling certain situations as the understand the distress they can cause me. I am grateful of that support.

Strangly a large part of the client group i support everyday are homless/disadvantaged/vulnerable and i cope well with that because my surroundings and management support me to do my job. I could not extend that in to my own home.

You are a good mum Izzy because you have raised children to be considerate of other people's needs. You should be really proud of yourself.

Thank you Being

I have found this thread a little upsetting because like the OPs DP I appear to lead a "normal" life. I dont tell people about my anxiety unless i have to. Some of my family and friends would deny there was anything wrong with me simply because i work so hard to give that impression so i am not judged as a weirdo or liar.

To read the posts that state but he is married, has a job and he will never be able to cope with children make me see exactly why i work so hard to hide my problem from others and why i feel I am a shit mum.

And those people are not worth your upset. How much effort you put in for your children shows how much you love them. People who don't have ASD have different issues that make them question whether they are a good parent. In that way, you are not so different from other parents. This is going to sound frivolous but try not to worry that you aren't a good parent.

You sound a bit like my mum

She says "all parents fuck it up. You just fuck it up in a different way. There will never be a perfect parent as there will never be the perfect child"

Anyway this thread should show less judgement and more understanding both to homless people and those with SN.

I have had a few homeless people housed with me for the last few years, through a program. And I call utter, total and complete bullshit on all the people who say that they would happily open their home. Because people don't as a rule. And honestly it's not a bad thing in a lot of cases. I've housed young women with drug, alcohol, MH issues, really scary exes and current partners, personality issues, criminal behaviour and worrying sexual behaviour. All managed and fine because I know what I'm doing and I have very very good professional support.

Possibly donating all your "50 quid for a B and B" to homeless charities and writing to your MP would help. Because we as a people clearly want to help so much that we're willing to volunteer Bathsheba's house that there should be no homelessness.

MrsTerryPratchett kudos to you for taking in homeless people. That's incredibly kind and brave of you.

I definitely couldn't do it.

That's incredibly kind and brave of you. Thanks for saying so but honestly, I enjoy it. As with most things in life, I do it not because I'm lovely but for far more selfish reasons.

'I know autistic people don't empathise was the exact quote from elfycat.

And it was me that got deleted? What a fucking joke.

Papaver - If I can try to explain regarding the comments people have made about 'empathy'.

People pick up bits and pieces of information regarding ASD and as someone who has a now adult son with a diagnosis of ASD I can confirm that for years it was said that those in the spectrum 'lacked empathy'. Just the same way it was said that those on the spectrum 'lacked eye contact'. But years have gone by and we of course now know that it's said those on the spectrum can have 'impaired empathy' and 'impaired eye contact'. I know that because of my exposure to ASD but not everyone is exposed to autism in the way we are and people like this posting on this thread might have missed the updates.

Do they deserve to be hammered for it? No. I don't think they do. But I can understand people being angry. Personally however I like to think of something my granny used to say to me - you catch more flies with cider than vinegar. In other words dont hammer people and alienate them - explain their misunderstanding to them in a positive way.

Regarding your post that was removed - the term you used is just awful, horrible in fact, and on a personal level I think it ranks as one of the top two most offensive posts on this thread.