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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell DS he is an Ivf baby

78 replies

Screamer1 · 23/10/2016 15:32

We had unexplained infertility and were incredibly lucky to have a gorgeous baby boy through IVF. Only parents know. A year later and much to our huge surprise I got pregnant and have subsequently had another DS.

I don't want them to feel different. So would aiibu to not tell DS1?

OP posts:
TaggieRR · 23/10/2016 15:33

Why would he care? I genuinely can't see why it would matter? Congratulations on your 2 lovely ds's.

usual · 23/10/2016 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/10/2016 15:36

Tell him what exactly?

He was carried by you and as much loved as his brother.

Stop stressing about this.

MistresssIggi · 23/10/2016 15:36

He wasn't dropped by a stork, I really wouldn't see any need to tell him. If you want to to show him how keen you were to have him or to help him understand infertility (at an older age) then go ahead. But it sounds as if you don't want to, so don't.

SandysMam · 23/10/2016 15:36

Are they different then?? Not being goady but they are both your children and you love them equally. Where do you see the difference?
If anything the second one might not feel quite so desperately wanted and you may have to break that to him Grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/10/2016 15:37

The only reason I can think that you might want to tell him is if he had any health issues as a result of being IVF, and he might not.

But there's surely no stigma attached to being an IVF child, is there? So why would it matter either way? His brother is no more or less precious from having been conceived without intervention, I just can't imagine why you'd even see the difference as important?

Original poster
Screamer1 · 23/10/2016 15:37

Oh phew I'm so glad you're all Saying this! I thought I was under some moral obligation to tell him.

OP posts:
SimonNeilshair · 23/10/2016 15:38

I have two naturally conceived dc and one IVF dc. It never occurred to me that they would feel any different. The DC know that mummy and daddy needed help to make a baby but that's as far as it goes. I won't mind explaining further as they get older.

Congratulations on your lovely boys Flowers

Nospringflower · 23/10/2016 15:38

I think if donor eggs or sperm were used I would want them to know. I'm pretty sure I have read that children should be told in those circumstances.

BearFeet · 23/10/2016 15:38

Ds not ivf. Twins ivf. It's never entered my head that I had anything to "tell".

SandysMam · 23/10/2016 15:39

Kids love to hear the story of their life journey, he might be interested in the future but i don't see it as a big deal! Relax and enjoy your kids!

nc060 · 23/10/2016 15:39

I don't understand why you feel so strongly about not telling him. It's not his fault you struggled to fall pregnant. He is every bit as much your child as your other child, you just needed help getting him there. I have no issues later in life telling my child!

ConvincingLiar · 23/10/2016 15:39

I'd probably prefer it if my parents had never had sex. I think it's only an issue if there was donor egg/sperm. If the raw materials came from you and dh it doesn't matter how they met.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/10/2016 15:40

And, regarding children "feeling different" - they're always going to find a way to do that, if they're so inclined.

My 2 boys have subtle nationality differences - one is British born, naturalised Australian, his children will have an automatic right to British citizenship should they want it.
The other is Australian born, could be naturalised British, but I haven't done the paperwork yet - but his children will NOT have an automatic right to British citizenship, unless we all ship back to the UK and live there for several years first.

I WILL have to tell them about these differences (although in all fairness, they already know, even if the 4yo really doesn't understand any of it yet) - if they feel hard done by (why?) then that's their choice - ain't nothing I can do, or could have done, about it, it's just the way it is.

Original poster
Screamer1 · 23/10/2016 15:41

Convincing Grin

OP posts:
TitaniasCloset · 23/10/2016 15:41

I have no experience with this but can understand that you would not want to make either of your children feel different or less special. But maybe its about how you put it? Its actually very beautiful that 'you wanted a baby so badly you went to the doctors to get help, then amazingly your next baby came too so he could be a little brother'.... I don't know something along those lines. At some point if I was an ivf baby I would want to know because everyone wants to know about their background and birth story. But I think its a matter of discussing how and when. Lots of charities for children and social services recommend making a life story book for children, and children live it. You can make it as beautiful as you want and keep it special on a high shelf and let them add photos and events themselves as they grow.just a suggestion!

HalloToJasonIsaacs · 23/10/2016 15:42

At some point when he's older it might come up in conversation and then you'll probably find it quite natural to tell him "actually darling....". But it's honestly no big deal - unlike donor conceived children where there is a much bigger issue.

aginghippy · 23/10/2016 15:47

Yes IMO keeping secrets in a family is never a good idea. Especially as it is something about him. Not right that parents and grandparents (and maybe others) will know and he will be kept in the dark.

It doesn't have to be a big deal, if it's a story they hear from a young age. The two boys will be different in lots of ways, because they are different people. Maybe one is sporty, one is musical or one is a picky eater, one eats everything.

GreenGinger2 · 23/10/2016 15:49

I had a similar thing and told all mine. One of my DC is a girl and I want her fully informed in order not to leave things too late should it happen to her. Thus obviously told the boys too as we were unexplained so male issues could well have been involved. No idea if anything could be inherited but want all DC fully informed just in case. Wasn't a big issue at all with either those IVF and those not.Confused

BrioLover · 23/10/2016 15:55

Your children aren't different though are they? I would tell him/both children as they enter adulthood though - only so that they are both aware when they want to start a family.

Witchend · 23/10/2016 15:56

It isn't a big deal. But it can become a big deal if you make a secret of it.
I'm mention it in casual conversation at some point. Chances are he'll either be entirely indifferent or very excited by it.

It wasn't a big deal that my friend's dm had been married before she met my friend's df. But my friend hasn't spoken to her parents in 20 years over it. Because it was dropped in casually to the conversation by someone who knew the family, but wasn't especially close. She felt everyone had know barring her, and the parents just told her it wasn't any of her business.
If she'd grown up knowing then it would never have been an issue.

Oblomov16 · 23/10/2016 15:57

Why would you NOT tell him?

Mindtrope · 23/10/2016 15:57

It's hardly "keeping a secret " though.

Two biological parents one healthy and wanted child. I don't see the IVF as a big deal. And too complicated to explain to a young child. He won't even understand the "normal" method of conception for many years, so it's not an idea that he will be able to understand until then anyway. It may even be detrimental to him to feel different when the truth is he is a normal part of a loving family.
If a woman had to take Clomid to induce ovulation to become pregnant would that be something to "admit " to? I think not.

Op you carried this child in your womb, you birthed this child. The method of conception is not important.

DotForShort · 23/10/2016 16:03

I'd tell him. Why not? It's part of his history. But I wouldn't make a big production of it. Do you worry that DS1 will somehow feel inferior to his brother because of the different methods of their respective conceptions? That seems unlikely to me.

FleeBee · 23/10/2016 16:04

I have an IVF DC & then a surprise conceived baby DC. I have told a few people I'm close to, but it hadn't occurred to me to tell them. They are too young to know at the moment. We did get some literature from our clinic which might be useful when they are older. I don't think of them as different. Although DH did joke once that we still had the receipt in order to return DC1 during one very tiring tantrum episode

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