To not tell DS he is an Ivf baby

[Screamer1]

We had unexplained infertility and were incredibly lucky to have a gorgeous baby boy through IVF. Only parents know. A year later and much to our huge surprise I got pregnant and have subsequently had another DS.

I don't want them to feel different. So would aiibu to not tell DS1?

I'm telling my DD she was ivf. When the subject of how babies are made comes up I think its important to know there are different ways it happens. Also when older it may be a factor in her life. So far IVF is still relatively new and therefore still do not know of any long term problems. My main concern is the high amount of synthetic hormone injected. She has every right to know.

I don't get how it's part of his birth story, really... He was born the same way as his brother, nobody really needs full details of their actual conception, do they?? If you'd used a surrogate and the actual birth itself was different, maybe.

I'm pregnant with an IVF baby, and I think I'll explain when it asks where the babies are coming from... Not all the deets, obviously but just the bare bones. I'd feel a bit dishonest if I told my kid that all babies are made during sex because that's not how it went down this time.

But you can do what you want, I don't think either of your children are going to be that bothered how they came to be (apart from the usual basic curiosity about their origins).

I'd probably want to tell them (both) just as part of their family history and own stories.

Mummy and daddy wanted a baby so much. We wished and wished we could have a baby but nothing happened so we went to see Dr Smith who helped us grow a baby in mummy's tummy. And that baby was you DS1! We were so happy etc etc. After a few years we started to wish we could have another baby and we wondered if we should go and visit Dr Smith again, but do you know what happened? Before we'd even visited Dr Smith - a baby started to grow in mummy's tummy again - and that baby we was you DS2! We're so lucky with our lovely family etc etc etc.

What's not to enjoy? They can both feel special and wanted and understand their origins in case one day it's relevant health related info.

He is your first born and you wanted to be a mother so much that you went to the ends of the earth to bring him into the world and paved the way for your body to do it without any help the next time. He's your knight in shining armour. That's what I'd be telling him. But you don't have To. If there are any donor eggs/sperm involved id be more inclined to be open about this from the word go.

I don't think it's a big deal either way. It's completely different to finding out that the fact that you were adopted was hidden from you or that you were conceived with donor sperm or a donor egg which have implications in terms of knowing about health issues in your biological parents. My cousin had an IVF baby and they told him when he was about 8 and he was completely disinterested. The only difference between IVF babies and those conceived naturally is in the 72 hours after conception and that they get conceived outside mum's body.

Meh.

It's our job as parents to tell our dc about the "birds and bees", so yes, of course I'd tell my children in an age appropriate way.

In a way it's better they have a more comprehensive understanding of fertility. Can only be a good thing, right? It's normal reproduction for lots of families.

I've told my children about different methods of delivery, (as they've asked how a baby comes out.) If they ask how they got in, I'd tell them the truth too, within their understanding.

I'll be telling our daughter in an age appropriate way when the time comes. I've been very open about having IVF, so our friends and family know. It would be odd if she didn't. It was 3 days in the lab vs 7 months in me and a whole lifetime with us. It's part of her story but a small part overall.

My children have a few friends who were IVF and who have siblings who aren't. They all seem to know and none of them seem even slightly bothered, it's just the way it is

Applejack I love that train of thought!!

I agree why wouldn't you mention it at some point? It will prob come up for us when he asks why he is an only, having said that I have a friend whose son is 18 and he doesn't know which I found hard as he was made in the same place as our much younger child and I always want to say best things are made in Hammersmith!

I totally disagree with mindtrope.
There are age appropriate ways of telling children what you think they need to know, or answering any of their questions in an age appropriate way.
What a 3 year old, 8 year old, 12 year old may ask is totally different.
But never ever hide anything. I believe in telling the truth. Always.

Why can you not tell a child about IVF? I disagree. Of course you can.

I'm genuinely beweildered by the "do i tell them or not" dilema. It has never occurred to be that ivf is something shameful or to be hidden.
Equally i'm laughing my head off at the "adoption is easy to explain, ivf is not" comment. Really, really not.

you wouldn't tell him because it's outwith the understanding of a child

Of course you can simplify it! When they're really little you can say:
"The doctors had to help us make you"
As they get older "The doctor takes the seed from daddy and the egg from mummy and put them together to make a baby, then they put it back into mummy and you grew just the same as any other baby there."
And when they're old enough you can use the term "IVF" and explain further.
And answer any questions they ask.

Nothing to "tell" really (you're both his bio parents) but it's a lovely, heartwarming story - you thought you might have no children, but now you have two, cherished children. They'll probably both enjoy the tale.

I wouldn't keep it a secret, as I can see that making him think it is an issue of some kind. That said, I equally wouldn't make a point of telling him. If he asks questions when he get older, then just answer them honestly, in an age appropriate way. If it helps, I know my sister was planned, and I wasn't (different to your situation I realise) but it has never made any difference. It is all about how you treat them, now, not how they came to be conceived!

Agree, just.

The adoption convo must be so so tricky. The root of it is one set of parents couldn't look after you. That's heartbreaking however you explain it.
IVF would be a doddle by comparison.

Really great and interesting to get people's opinions and advice. If we decide to tell him there's some brilliant ways to go about on here.

Part of me thinks he should know for the various reasons mentioned above.

I suppose because when we were going through it we found it such a difficult experience that we sort of closed ranks and didn't tell anyone. Maybe that's just what we're used to.

That on top of a worry that it could cause one or either of DSs to grow up thinking of it as an issue. I guess I don't want either to feel any less or more wanted or imperfect than the other. This is CLEARLY not the case and is my issue!

My pair were ivf babies and they have always had a simplified, mummy and daddy needed the doctors help to have babies, they took a little bit of mummy and a little bit of daddy and put them together, etc. When they are older we can be clearer about the facts. They are really relaxed about this but they may be a bit shocked when they discover that most babies are made through sex and not in laboratories!

Oh Screamer. I was fascetious before but your tale is very very sad. I would second the person who said get some counselling. How much are you punishing yourself for needing ivf? I could weep for you hiding it. I had tonnes of support from friends when we went through it and it lessened the load considerably. You need some TLC and to go talk to someone. It's like you're blaming yourself. Please don't.

Surely being an ivf baby means he was a really wished for baby...

Whenever anybody asks me if twins run in the family I always say no they're ivf. Maybe because I don't see it as a big deal I don't think they will. They're 5 now. It will come up at some point and that's fine.

I'd tell him but not in a big reveal type way because it isn't a big deal but it is his history. Dropping it into conversation when he's much older would probably be enough.