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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell DS he is an Ivf baby

78 replies

Screamer1 · 23/10/2016 15:32

We had unexplained infertility and were incredibly lucky to have a gorgeous baby boy through IVF. Only parents know. A year later and much to our huge surprise I got pregnant and have subsequently had another DS.

I don't want them to feel different. So would aiibu to not tell DS1?

OP posts:

CaveMum · 23/10/2016 16:04

I have a DD (2.5) and am pregnant with #2, both conceived with assistance though not IVF.

As my fertility issues are caused by PCOS which can be genetic I fully intend to tell DD in case she might find herself in the same situation - I wasn't diagnosed until 30 despite displaying "classic" PCOS symptoms so want her to be aware of what to look out for.

Floridasunset · 23/10/2016 16:04

I agree that the method of conception is not important. Were you think that Ds from ivf would see it is a negative. Surely the fact that they were wanted so much that you went through all of that to have him makes him extra special

Mindtrope · 23/10/2016 16:04

Witchend and oblomov - you wouldn't tell him because it's outwith the understanding of a child,

If the child had been adopted I would wholeheartedly agree that early honesty is the best route. But that is a concept a young child can understand. Ideas of Mummy and Daddy and other children are easy to explain to a young child and they can understand.

How can you simplify the idea of IVF?

" Well daddy didn't ejaculate into Mummy's vagina to make you- instead he ejaculated into a plastic pot, and Mummy's eggs were harvested and you started life in a laboratory.........."

No No. Even if you try to simplify it then into what- there is a grave danger of making that child feel odd, different, strange. When in fact he came into the world by birth and his biological Mummy and Daddy look after him. That's all that matters.
The IVF is no big deal.

Stopyourhavering · 23/10/2016 16:06

I'd tell him too, it may be relevant in future if he were ever to have problems with fertility?( not saying he will but if Drs were taking a thorough history they would like to know)

PotteringAlong · 23/10/2016 16:06

Why would you not, in an age appropriate way, at a later date?

Mindtrope · 23/10/2016 16:07

When I became pregnant with my first it was less than ideal.

A very new relationship, no stable home, no job, frankly life was a mess. I made it as far as the hospital for a termination, but ducked out at the last minute. Should I tell my son he was nearly an abortion?
No because by the time he was born I was happy with my decision, very much wanted the child and was overjoyed when he was born.

HalloToJasonIsaacs · 23/10/2016 16:09

When you do the "how babies are made" talk then you could add "But some mummies and daddies need a bit of extra help from doctors to get the seed and the egg together. We had help from some very clever doctors to get our seed and egg together because we really wanted to have a baby, and the result was you!" (Substituting whatever terminology is appropriate for DCs age group).

PacificDogwod · 23/10/2016 16:09

I cannot see this ever coming up in conversation.

No 3 year old ever asked 'Mummy, did me and my brother get in into your tummy the same way?'
I don't think you need to overthink this just now, but you may well find that as they get older, learn about how bodies work/puberty/sex there will be a time when natural and assisted conception comes up. And it would be easy to say that one happened for one of your DSs and the other for the other. No biggie.

I'm working on how to tell one of my DSs that he has inherited a genetic problem I carry... which has no influence on my or his health but may affect his fertility (although it did not mine). FAAAAAR too complex for me to find a way to explain simply to an 8 yo. Sigh.

JedRambosteen · 23/10/2016 16:09

There was something on the BBC news recently about boys born to couples who'd had IVF having similar problems with sperm (it might have been motility) as the fathers. Depending on the reasons for your IVF, it could be highly relevant medical history for him & useful to know when he is older.

wholettooth · 23/10/2016 16:11

I have 2 DC both as a result of IVF. From the earliest opportunity they've known, first in a simplified version 'We wanted a baby so very much that we had to see some Doctors to help us' to the full shebang when they were old enough to understand.

It's not a dirty secret but equally I felt it was something that we felt they should know and be told about by us.

It's a family joke that they are both real 'Made in Chelsea' and Westminster

VestalVirgin · 23/10/2016 16:18

I don't think you have to tell him. He presumably was conceived using the sperm of the man who also fathered your second son, so it doesn't really matter.

(Actually, I think most children do not much dwell on how they were conceived and would rather not imagine their parents having sex.)

However, there's no need to make a big secret of it. Tell him once he's old enough to understand what IVF is.

PacificDogwod · 23/10/2016 16:21

Don't think of it as a big bad 'dirty' secret that you have to 'tell' him - and don't NOT tell him either.
If conception/making babies comes up, I would mention it.
Be led by him, answer questions as and when he might have them.

I think these things are always harder when you anticipate having The Talk with him (same with sex etc). Don't not mention it, don't 'tell' him, but don't not tell him.

Am I making any sense at all?! Sorry, I know what I mean in my head, but it's a bit rambling coming out.

We spoke about how babies come out of mummy's vagina - except sometimes they don't and that led to a conversation about how DS2 was delivered by CS and much mustering of my scar .
It's just a fact, not a secret, it is as important as you make it.

IMO conception is such a tiny, tiny part (albeit vital of course!) of being parents to a child that it should just be treated factually and without undue stress on the method.

allegretto · 23/10/2016 16:24

I have one naturally conceived and two ivf conceived children. I have told them as I don't want it to come out later as a big secret. We have talked about how babies are made and I add in info about IVF too so one doesn't seem better than the other iyswim.

CruCru · 23/10/2016 16:26

Both my children were conceived through IVF. The only real difference is that, as well as scan pictures, I also have pictures of them as blastocysts (which are quite cool).

The only thing I would probably not mention is that they were picked out and implanted by an embryologist.

VestalVirgin · 23/10/2016 16:27

No No. Even if you try to simplify it then into what- there is a grave danger of making that child feel odd, different, strange.

Uh ... no?

I was born by cesarean section. My parents never kept that from me, nor did they try to keep me away from Macbeth and the "No man of woman born" plotline that made a biiiig deal out of cesarean section.

... however, you are correct in that no child wants to know his daddy wanked into a plastic pot.

zzzzz · 23/10/2016 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklesilverglitter · 23/10/2016 16:31

Do you need to tell him? Is there anything to tell him?

You still carried him and gave birth to him, you just had a bit of help from science to get there

I guess if you wanted to you could say in an age appropriate way you could say that you had a bit of help from doctors/science

lougle · 23/10/2016 16:33

I think it depends really. If he was conceived using your egg and your DH's sperm, then no, there is no difference. However if donor sperm or egg was used then he is not genetically the same as his brother and that is probably better to know earlier rather than later, so it is 'normalised'.

Awful examples, but say you used donor sperm, then your DH was diagnosed with a hereditary condition only passed down the male line. The geneticist wants to test your sons. Do you allow your DS1 to be tested, even though you know he can't possibly inherit, to keep the secret going, or do you tell him then, why only DS2 is being tested?

If you tell early, it's given the low importance it should have.

justkeepongoing · 23/10/2016 16:33

We told DS, when I'm not exactly sure but it's always been an open subject. I failed to conceive naturally and we needed help. I love him to the moon and back and if he needs fertility help when older we've saved a little in order to help if needs be. I wouldn't worry too much. DS has a friend at school who is IVF and his brother isn't and it's no big deal.

Eatthecake · 23/10/2016 16:34

Why do you need to say anything? Your his Mum, you carried him, you gave birth to him so no different to any other child

Dapplegrey1 · 23/10/2016 16:34

Mine were both IVF and they've always known.
I told them I'd seen them under a microscope when they were 4 cells old and they were as sweet then as they are now.

Applejack29 · 23/10/2016 16:34

I am a clomid baby and my younger sister was conceived naturally, it just means they wanted me more

Wolfiefan · 23/10/2016 16:36

I think it would be weird if in the future he and a partner have IVF and you suddenly reveal he was born like that.
You love both your kids. It really doesn't matter whether they were IVF or not b

Wolfiefan · 23/10/2016 16:36

B ,?,?

gillybeanz · 23/10/2016 16:43

I'd tell him as if you let it slip years later he might be hurt you didn't.
Don't make it into a huge detail and tell him before he understands what it means and he'll be familiar with the term.

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