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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end relationship because of his 12 year old DD?

229 replies

Geraldine81 · 23/10/2016 09:36

Been seeing a guy for around 8 months and have recently been getting to know his DD who lives with him. He's lovely and we get on great but the dynamics in the house are just crazy and it's really bothering me, to the point where I'm considering just calling it off.

Basically she rules the house. The first time I went we walked in the living room and she was sprawled across the sofa with make up and hair straighteners, laptop etc all over the living room floor. DP popped his head around the door, introduced me and then said "we better go upstairs" and there we were sat in his bedroom all night like a couple of teeneragers! To make matters worse, she has the master bedroom and he's squashed into the tiny back bedroom. I assumed this was a one off but it's happened almost every time we have gone back on an evening. One night we went back and he said to her "can we have the living room tonight?" And she said "no sorry, I'm busy" and he just said "booo!" And started making his way upstairs!!!!

Another example though was one time we were privately discussing ordering a takeaway to watch with a movie later that night. She heard us and came wading in saying "dad .... what did we discuss about takeaways??" And he said "yes ok" in a bored voice. She walked out and I said "what??" And he said "oh we'd better just cook something that's in".

Now at this point I was getting sick of the whole carry on so I said "sorry but I'm an adult and I want to order a takeaway as we planned. I'm not used to being ordered around by a child. If you don't want to join me I'll go home and enjoy it there". So he said "maybe after she's asleep?" 😳😮 so I told him I was going home because I can't get my head around a 12 year old being in charge and I needed time to think. He's text me constantly since but there are so many other examples of it. I'm thinking I should just sack it off now and save us all the drama or am I being too quick to end it?

OP posts:

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 25/10/2016 10:49

Geraldine love, run for the hills, and don't look back ...

bibbitybobbityyhat · 25/10/2016 10:51

Erm, no I am not "on the funny pills" and yes I have read the whole thread.

If you want a relationship with a parent then you have going to have to make some effort with their children, yes? Or am I actually deluded as you appear to be implying.

Op clearly does not want to make an effort (it has only been 8 poxy months fgs) and has therefore quite rightly decided to leave well alone. Dumping someone by text is unforgivable so I'm not inclined to bend over backwards to see op in a sympathetic light.

CalmItKermitt · 25/10/2016 11:07

What a madam! He's doing her no favours in the long run. You're best off out of it.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/10/2016 11:26

There's putting a child first, and behaving like this girls dad was, role reversal. No wonder op made a swift exit, not very good when your in the throes of dating.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/10/2016 11:29

Well it's not op responsibility to parent this girl, it is not an attractive feature that the man is letting a child walk over him and doing nothing about it, he is as good as a chocolate fireguard.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/10/2016 11:30

As in Mumsnet, I would be running for the hills as fast as I could

bumsexatthebingo · 25/10/2016 11:53

I think it is part of the ops job to help reassure the child that she's no threat to her relationship with her dad though. So many of the things mentioned needn't have been a battle of adult v child needs. Why not all sit in the lounge? Why not get enough food from the takeaway so everyone could have what they want?

Aeroflotgirl · 25/10/2016 13:14

bumsex how do you know op hasent already tried that, because of dad being so wet, it's not working. Tbh the relationship should not be this hard early on, good on you for calling it a day, she does not have to play at being Mary Poppins. Find someone who is able to parent their child properly, or with grown up or no children. Yes this 12 year old is a little madam dictTing to dad and his girlfriend like kids.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/10/2016 13:17

Tbh when they were first introduced, and she was sprawled on the sofa with all her things, and they spend the rest of the night in his bedroom woukd have been it for me. I woukd have said, sorry it's not working, and told him why.

embo1 · 25/10/2016 13:34

I'd tell him he doesn't have time for a relationship as he needs to concentrate on repairing the bond with his daughter and reestablishing himself as the head of his own household. He could give me a call when he's done that in the hope that I haven't found my Mr. Right in the meantime!

Aeroflotgirl · 25/10/2016 14:19

Exactly embo he does not have time to have a relationship when he needs to be working on fixing the one with his dd, so that it's not messed up as it is.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/10/2016 14:29

If you read the op, she has been honest with him and told him face to face, that she cannot carry on like this. She confirmed it by text, so read the op carefully this time.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/10/2016 14:35

She has made it very clear to him face to face that this is not on. I too would not have time for that rubbish, especially early on in the relationship. I would not have stuck it out for so long.

NameChange30 · 25/10/2016 14:45

I think it's a bit much to say that the DD is being "abused" (as a PP did) - it sounds as if she has been abandoned by her mother, badly parented by her father, and probably neglected (at least emotionally) by both of them. I realise that neglect is a form of abuse but I don't think it's as extreme as the term implies.

Anyway, I'm splitting hairs, I agree the girl is a victim, but it's her parents who are at fault and not the OP.

Oblomov16 · 25/10/2016 14:49

Good grief. Well, she's got what she wants. Rid of you!!
She sounds almost abusive. He's allowing this to happen. He seems spineless. He clearly doesn't realise that this is extremely poor parenting. He is a disgrace. What a wimp. People like that shouldn't really have children.

Mrskeats · 25/10/2016 15:46

I agree it's poor parenting.
However, I'm not surprised any more as when I tutor in people's homes I see really awful, bratty behaviour. The way some kids speak to their parents is shocking at times. Clearly in some houses children rule the roost and parents dance to their tune. I've had kids swear at parents and that's in front of me so god knows what normally goes on.
Op this was never likely to work for you.

Maverick66 · 25/10/2016 15:57

Run! And don't look back!

butterfliesandzebras · 25/10/2016 16:49

I agree with bumsexatthebingo, the ops examples are all of a supposedly adult woman power struggling with a twelve year old child for the affections of a man who clearly isn't worth it. Even the relationship ending ultimatums to the father are basically 'pick me over your daughter or I walk'. (I don't think the op is 'responsible' for the child's behaviour, but she shouldnt be viewing her boyfriend's child as an 'opponent' and blaming the 12 year old instead of the adult!).

I feel extremely sorry for the child.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/10/2016 17:15

I don't see that butter, but quite rightly she is fed up of her boyfriend letting his dd walk over him and dictate how things shoukd be. I can't see anyone wanting to date him, in this situation.

Cucumber5 · 25/10/2016 17:42

I think the father is desperate for his daughter to be happy after splitting with ex, so has enduldged her somewhat. It's not the girls fault.

Amelie10 · 25/10/2016 17:47

Run while you know that this is an issue. It will only get worse. Do you really want to put up with her going through her teens? She will make your life a misery. Dump him and maybe it will make him wake up to the problem in his home.

WannaBe · 25/10/2016 18:00

There are far too many unhealthy dynamics here on all sides.

Firstly, what's wrong with a twelve year old being sprawled in the lounge with laptop and hair straighteners etc. It's what young girls do is it not/. I'm sure if she'd spent the time shut in her bedroom there would be plenty saying that wasn't right either as she should be more sociable?

There is everything wrong with the dad going upstairs because his DD is in the lounge, or asking her if they can have the lounge and being told no. But the reason she behaves like that is because it's been allowed to happen.

As for her having the master bedroom and him having the smaller one, well, she's twelve, perhaps she has a lot of stuff whereas when he moved in there he was single and it was less important. Once it was her bedroom asking if he and his gf could sleep there (thus giving the message that they would likely be having sex in her bedroom) was entirely unreasonable. It's her bedroom and her space.

And the takeaway - why were they not all going to eat together? Even if we have takeaway I would order enough for me and DP and DS as well, it would never occur to me to expect him to eat something else, and he's thirteen. We don't know the reason behind what she said about takeaways. My DS says similar to me about Coke because I'm forever giving it up and then occasionally I might crave one, and DS says "no, you can't have one." It's a standing joke between us though.

IMO it's not a relationship I would stick with myself but it would be about far more than just the behaviour of a twelve year old.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 25/10/2016 18:03

I'd end it. It will get even worse as she goes further into puberty.

DailyMailPenisPieces · 26/10/2016 02:38

Agree with butterflies and bumsex - they put it better than I did.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/10/2016 02:48

There is NO mileage in blaming the OP for this situation, none. The unhealthy dynamic and behaviour stems from way before the OP appeared on the scene - it's entirely the child's parents' fault.

The OP is not in a position to do anything about any of it when the father won't address any of it himself, that would be way beyond the boundaries of a fairly new relationship!

OP has definitely made the best choice to leave them to it - although I still believe, as a "good person" gesture, that she should tell him exactly why. However, it's not her responsibility to do so (except in general humanity terms) so if she chooses not to, that's also fine.

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