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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end relationship because of his 12 year old DD?

229 replies

Geraldine81 · 23/10/2016 09:36

Been seeing a guy for around 8 months and have recently been getting to know his DD who lives with him. He's lovely and we get on great but the dynamics in the house are just crazy and it's really bothering me, to the point where I'm considering just calling it off.

Basically she rules the house. The first time I went we walked in the living room and she was sprawled across the sofa with make up and hair straighteners, laptop etc all over the living room floor. DP popped his head around the door, introduced me and then said "we better go upstairs" and there we were sat in his bedroom all night like a couple of teeneragers! To make matters worse, she has the master bedroom and he's squashed into the tiny back bedroom. I assumed this was a one off but it's happened almost every time we have gone back on an evening. One night we went back and he said to her "can we have the living room tonight?" And she said "no sorry, I'm busy" and he just said "booo!" And started making his way upstairs!!!!

Another example though was one time we were privately discussing ordering a takeaway to watch with a movie later that night. She heard us and came wading in saying "dad .... what did we discuss about takeaways??" And he said "yes ok" in a bored voice. She walked out and I said "what??" And he said "oh we'd better just cook something that's in".

Now at this point I was getting sick of the whole carry on so I said "sorry but I'm an adult and I want to order a takeaway as we planned. I'm not used to being ordered around by a child. If you don't want to join me I'll go home and enjoy it there". So he said "maybe after she's asleep?" 😳😮 so I told him I was going home because I can't get my head around a 12 year old being in charge and I needed time to think. He's text me constantly since but there are so many other examples of it. I'm thinking I should just sack it off now and save us all the drama or am I being too quick to end it?

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 23/10/2016 13:39

I'm very sorry OP. You obviously like this guy, but his daughter is going to make any relationship with him quite impossible. For you or for anyone else.

TheCatsMother99 · 23/10/2016 13:45

Run for the hills

Summerwood1 · 23/10/2016 13:47

Oh my goodness,how did you put up with it for so long?! I'm enjoying the examples though😆

Tliev · 23/10/2016 13:47

She sounds like a massive brat and he sounds like a wet lettuce. Can't understand why you'd want to be around either of them!

moreslackthanslick · 23/10/2016 13:52

Gosh she sounds awful.

It's such a shame as from your posts you really do sound like you like him and you have tried really hard.

I'm feeling sorry for him now.

notapizzaeater · 23/10/2016 13:54

I'd buy him a book on parenting as a leaving gift

DotForShort · 23/10/2016 13:57

I feel very sorry for the child. She seems to be trying to behave like an adult, presumably because the adults in her life have abdicated all responsibility for fulfilling that role. Her mother does not seem to be an active, positive presence and her father has allowed a very unhealthy dynamic to develop. And she is evidently also being left on her own for hours at a time when her father is entertaining his adult guests. I'm not at all surprised that she is rebelling against the whole setup.

How much time have you spent with this child? After only 8 months with the dad, I would expect very minimal contact, but it sounds as though you have seen her quite often. Are you his first girlfriend following the breakdown of the marriage? That could explain some of the girl's resentment. Alternatively, if she has seen a long parade of women enter and exit her father's life, she might be a bit cynical about his relationships. In any case, after such a short period of time, it isn't up to you to solve the dysfunction in his family. I think ending things now was probably the best option.

MrsDeVere · 23/10/2016 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

category12 · 23/10/2016 14:02

I don't think its the op's responsibility to tell this bloke why its not working out.
She is not his mum.

No, but he's acting like his child is. Somebody should tell him that's fucked up.

QueenLizIII · 23/10/2016 14:02

Food arrived and I said to him "so we're sharing them out right, like we agreed?" And he said "well, maybe me and you should share as DD likes a full one. I told him I didn't agree with this at all as that's not what we had planned to do (and I was paying for it!") so he took all the food into the utility room and baracaded the door to prevent her from seeing what he was doing!!!!

He is doing that child no favours. You learn how to behave and your charachter is shaped by your parents.

I was the scapegoat in the family and I was quiet and never asked for anything. My sibling was the loud mouth one who got everything and was allowed to get away with it. Fast forward 20 years and I am still the low self esteem one who takes all the bad behaviour.

She on the other hand will think it is normal to behave this way with people. I pity her first boyfriend is she ever gets one with her vile behaviour.

MrsDeVere · 23/10/2016 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenLizIII · 23/10/2016 14:07

Normally when a child throws a tantrum to get their way, the parents deal with it and maybe ignore it but the ultimate message is, scream all you want but you still are not getting what you want. So the child learns that bad behaviour and tantrums dont work.

This 12 yo seems to have been brought up with her dad at least giving in to her every whim and now he is scared of her. It is going to be so hard to change that dynamic. If he ever does turn around and say do what you're told she will laugh in his face.

JinkxMonsoon · 23/10/2016 14:10

What a fucked up dynamic.

I can only assume he's Disney Dad and lets her get her own way constantly out of guilt.

They're both going to have serious problems as she gets older.

Mr5Norris · 23/10/2016 14:20

Please end it. I don't know you but am fairly sure that your life is too short to put up with that nonsense. Your alarm bells have rung loud and clear for a very good reason. Heed them!

TaliDiNozzo · 23/10/2016 14:23

Wow I'm surprised you survived that long in that relationship. I would be very surprised if that child is able to function properly when it comes to her being independent.

FurryLittleTwerp · 23/10/2016 14:26

He sounds ridiculously juvenile, like he's her little brother, rather than her father!

Scared of her & her reaction too - I wonder why? Does she threaten to flounce off to her mum's is she doesn't get her own way? if so he ought to let her

Aeroflotgirl · 23/10/2016 14:27

The girl is not responsible for her behaviour, her wet lettuce ineffective dad is. I would run and never look back, it is not op problem, she is not the girls mother.

ImperialBlether · 23/10/2016 14:28

It's not the OP's problem, but she does like the guy and as a friend I think she should be honest with him and tell him why she's no longer interested. He's not doing anyone any favours with the way he behaves and maybe he needs to see it in black and white to actually realise it.

Stormwhale · 23/10/2016 14:38

Good God what an awful situation. He needs a serious talking to. That girl is going to turn into even more of a nightmare and it will be his fault.

Littleballerina · 23/10/2016 14:38

He needs to grow some balls.
I was brought up by my dad and I think I probably was spoilt but not in this way. He was the adult and I was the child.

BARB060609 · 23/10/2016 14:39

That situation is never going to change or get any better, best to call it off sooner rather than later.

I am intrigued though, why does the 12 year old "not allow takeaways"?

dingdongdigeridoo · 23/10/2016 14:40

Fucking hell. Imagine moving into that house and trying to set some ground rules. You'd forever be the wicked stepmother. No thanks.

mothattack · 23/10/2016 14:42

Sad for you OP and terrible for the poor daughter.

She has had awful parenting. Underneath the acting out and bravado, she must be so confused and unhappy. This is so damaging for her that I really do think you should try to explain what is wrong here and the damage he is unwittingly causing and the potential consequences. You don't have to get drawn into a back and forth, but really for the sake of the girl, he needs telling.

ChocolateWombat · 23/10/2016 14:42

Difficult one. You like him, ......but he comes with a daughter, who you don't like....ultimately they are part of a package.
The relationship between the girl and her father does sound very odd and unappealing. It does make you wonder what he is really like to have let it reach this stage.

I guess it depends on how committed to him you really are. If you feel strongly committed, perhaps give it a bit more time before you decide...but do talk honestly about your concerns about the daughter and the way they interact. I've never had a relationship with someone who already had a child, but I imagine that if I did, it wouldn't be possible to decide to be highly committed until you have met the children, so known what the full package you were getting involved. I guess you are at that point now....and sadly the girl could well be a deal breaker.

Is it that she's behaving worse because she wants to see off a new girlfriend? Can you cut her a bit of slack as she's a child experiencing his Dad's new girlfriend, which is never easy? These things said, her behaviour and relationship bossing father and calling the shots can't be something which can continue. It will be up to her father to address that with her and sort it - not a quick and easy process....and will he be willing to?

At this stage TBH, I'd probably escape. It sounds like an ongoing problem which will be at least partly of his causing and not something I'd want involvement with.

MagikarpetRide · 23/10/2016 14:50

I'm completely [shocked]

I was really hoping this was a made up thread until other people have said they've come across this too.

Don't blame you for dumping him. Though I wonder how many other gfs she's seen off this way.

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