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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end relationship because of his 12 year old DD?

229 replies

Geraldine81 · 23/10/2016 09:36

Been seeing a guy for around 8 months and have recently been getting to know his DD who lives with him. He's lovely and we get on great but the dynamics in the house are just crazy and it's really bothering me, to the point where I'm considering just calling it off.

Basically she rules the house. The first time I went we walked in the living room and she was sprawled across the sofa with make up and hair straighteners, laptop etc all over the living room floor. DP popped his head around the door, introduced me and then said "we better go upstairs" and there we were sat in his bedroom all night like a couple of teeneragers! To make matters worse, she has the master bedroom and he's squashed into the tiny back bedroom. I assumed this was a one off but it's happened almost every time we have gone back on an evening. One night we went back and he said to her "can we have the living room tonight?" And she said "no sorry, I'm busy" and he just said "booo!" And started making his way upstairs!!!!

Another example though was one time we were privately discussing ordering a takeaway to watch with a movie later that night. She heard us and came wading in saying "dad .... what did we discuss about takeaways??" And he said "yes ok" in a bored voice. She walked out and I said "what??" And he said "oh we'd better just cook something that's in".

Now at this point I was getting sick of the whole carry on so I said "sorry but I'm an adult and I want to order a takeaway as we planned. I'm not used to being ordered around by a child. If you don't want to join me I'll go home and enjoy it there". So he said "maybe after she's asleep?" 😳😮 so I told him I was going home because I can't get my head around a 12 year old being in charge and I needed time to think. He's text me constantly since but there are so many other examples of it. I'm thinking I should just sack it off now and save us all the drama or am I being too quick to end it?

OP posts:
mycatstares · 23/10/2016 09:58

That was meant to be daughter. Not sure where the s came fromHmm..

Milklollies · 23/10/2016 09:58

Shamelessly placemarking to read about his future replies to your sensible answers. I'd run for the hills. Grin

ltM leave the moron.

JoJoSM2 · 23/10/2016 09:59

I'd run a mile, or 10, from a man like that. And very definitely he's the problem not his daughter.

Dontyouknow2016 · 23/10/2016 10:00

Well if she lives there surely she is entitled to be in the living room. The issue is he wanted to be in there without her. Would it really be fair to send her to her room just because you arrived?

Not sure about the takeaway part. Was she not eating a takeaway with you? Was she excluded from that?

I have a 12 year old and if I brought a guy home I wouldn't want to stay upstairs for the evening. On the other hand I wouldn't chuck my dd out of the living room. I think we would all have to sit around together, watching tv and enjoying a takeaway together.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/10/2016 10:00

Why do poster's suggest 'show them the thread' ?, don't do that OP.

flumpybear · 23/10/2016 10:03

When I saw your title I immediately thought 'no way, then she's won!' But reading your story actually she's won before you've even come in the scene - she's not being a pain in the arse daddy's girl she's just a nightmare and your boyfriend allows it - he needs to grow a pair and sort his kid out he's doing her no favours!!

The80sweregreat · 23/10/2016 10:04

I would run, if she is like this at 12, what does the future hold? its sad for him, but until he starts laying down the ground rules she will only get worse.

dontpokethebear · 23/10/2016 10:05

Agree with pp who said about what sort of step mother you'd be viewed as if it become long term.

You need to continue to take a step back from this relationship or call it a day. But most importantly, either way, you have to tell him why. He clearly doesn't have a clue.

Curious as to the situation with the girls mother. Perhaps she's passed away and he is desperate to do any thing to keep her happy (not trying to make excuses!)

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2016 10:08

Shock Shock. I've only just shut my mouth, I've only just shut my mouth quite literally. Run run run. He's creating a monster.

myownprivateidaho · 23/10/2016 10:11

I don't think it sounds as bad as some are suggesting. Why shouldn't she sprawl out in the living room, and why should she vacate it when her dad wants it? And telling your dad to use the food in the fridge before getting a takeaway is pretty sensible ( and soubds like he has form for not doing this). I dated when living in a flat share and 100% I would hang out in the bedroom if flatmates were in the living room.

Olympiathequeen · 23/10/2016 10:13

Walk away darling. Walk away Shock Grin

Owllady · 23/10/2016 10:13

Crikey
How on earth has he managed to get into a situation like that? It doesn't sound at all healthy

MaddyHatter · 23/10/2016 10:13

So who's looking after the 12yo when you're both at yours all night.

Mooey89 · 23/10/2016 10:13

He sounds just like my ex h and his daughter. She's 11 now. He lets her do this because on the surface he is wishy washy and can't be arsed to put down any boundaries and wants a mini wife.

On the other side, he's emotionally abusive towards her and treats her like his spouse.

It's fucking vile and unattractive and I can only implore you to run for the fucking hills.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 23/10/2016 10:14

But the DD hasn't been rude. I don't think she's being a monster. Basically it sounds as though the DD is living her life in her house and the DF has issues about bringing a new woman into that. There could be millions of reasons why that's the case from guilt over the breakup to a turbulent history. Likewise, the takeaway could be linked to health issues or finances. There's no way of knowing.
However, I think the fact that you jumped very quickly to 'I'm not being ordered around by a child' rather than trying to ascertain what is going on, means that this isn't the relationship for you. You're setting it up to be a battle between you and the DD, and tbh that is a battle that you should lose with any decent father.

Owllady · 23/10/2016 10:15

Lying on the sofa is normal teenage behaviour, I agree. But the rest of it isn't.
My teens take over the lounge, I don't go and sit in the box room

ddrmum · 23/10/2016 10:15

OMG that poor girl needs boundaries and some manners!! That said, clearly not the child's fault. He's not a parent, he's bloody irresponsible & wants someone to be mother them both. I'd be horrified if any of my DC were that rude to anyone visiting my home. If you don't want to live in a war zone or treated as a second class citizen, I'd walk away as fast as you can! I'd be interested in what the deal is re: her mum.

MermaidTears · 23/10/2016 10:16

Wow what an unattractive trait. Sorry but he sounds a dithering idiot???!!
I don't think he will change much if that's how he is.
Id go find a real man!
Fucking hell. Telling you no to a takeaway? After presumably a week at work, next thing you know you won't be aloud a glass of wine and have to save it for " when she's gone to bed". Run!

NameChange30 · 23/10/2016 10:17

YANBU

But you'd be ending it because of him - because he's a shit parent and a complete pushover - not because of his DD.

TheHobbitMum · 23/10/2016 10:19

I couldn't live like that, run for the hills!

monkeywithacowface · 23/10/2016 10:21

God how can you find him attractive in any way? He sound pathetic

Beebeeeight · 23/10/2016 10:21

Does she live with him?

It's a very odd set up.

StrangeLookingParasite · 23/10/2016 10:22

Well if she lives there surely she is entitled to be in the living room. The issue is he wanted to be in there without her. Would it really be fair to send her to her room just because you arrived?

That wasn't the point at all - she's taken over the room and won't allow them in there!

BeerBelly79 · 23/10/2016 10:23

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theclick · 23/10/2016 10:24

Jesus, what a nightmare - I'd worry about this big time. She clearly will never really respond to you as her step mum. What's the deal with her mum? I would get out fast.