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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end relationship because of his 12 year old DD?

229 replies

Geraldine81 · 23/10/2016 09:36

Been seeing a guy for around 8 months and have recently been getting to know his DD who lives with him. He's lovely and we get on great but the dynamics in the house are just crazy and it's really bothering me, to the point where I'm considering just calling it off.

Basically she rules the house. The first time I went we walked in the living room and she was sprawled across the sofa with make up and hair straighteners, laptop etc all over the living room floor. DP popped his head around the door, introduced me and then said "we better go upstairs" and there we were sat in his bedroom all night like a couple of teeneragers! To make matters worse, she has the master bedroom and he's squashed into the tiny back bedroom. I assumed this was a one off but it's happened almost every time we have gone back on an evening. One night we went back and he said to her "can we have the living room tonight?" And she said "no sorry, I'm busy" and he just said "booo!" And started making his way upstairs!!!!

Another example though was one time we were privately discussing ordering a takeaway to watch with a movie later that night. She heard us and came wading in saying "dad .... what did we discuss about takeaways??" And he said "yes ok" in a bored voice. She walked out and I said "what??" And he said "oh we'd better just cook something that's in".

Now at this point I was getting sick of the whole carry on so I said "sorry but I'm an adult and I want to order a takeaway as we planned. I'm not used to being ordered around by a child. If you don't want to join me I'll go home and enjoy it there". So he said "maybe after she's asleep?" 😳😮 so I told him I was going home because I can't get my head around a 12 year old being in charge and I needed time to think. He's text me constantly since but there are so many other examples of it. I'm thinking I should just sack it off now and save us all the drama or am I being too quick to end it?

OP posts:
Bruce02 · 24/10/2016 07:06

I have to say, I know an adult like this.

I also know her step dad. He is miserable even though she is an adult with 2 kids of her own.

He has said many times he should have left but he loves his wife and thought he could deal with it. Even though the woman is married and has her own house, she still treats her mums house like it's hers. Walks in and demands they watch certain things, what they eat, random allergies (and when they are catered for she makes up new ones), she has become vegan 6 times in 7 years etc.

Op it doesn't get better because the parent just keeps doing the same. You are better off out of it.

ForalltheSaints · 24/10/2016 07:14

I would end a relationship where any child of that age ruled the roost.

flopsypopsymopsy · 24/10/2016 07:42

You've done the right thing. Very doubtful this scenario will change any time soon.

rainbowstardrops · 24/10/2016 09:15

I think you've done the right thing because I couldn't tolerate that level of rudeness and control either.
Having said that, I do feel sorry for the girl for having two completely crap parents. She needs love and boundaries.
Dread to think what she'll be like in a few years time!

Justaboy · 24/10/2016 12:14

Yes the poor child :-(

DailyMailPenisPieces · 24/10/2016 16:41

Having seen your updates, I think you are partially to blame here.

Do you have children of your own? Poor girl has a hopeless mother and a rubbish father, of course she is hanging on to him and doesn't just want to hand him over to you. Obviously he is being weak, but she must be very anxious and is obviously playing this out. The whole thing sounds a car crash to me.

LIttleTripToHeaven · 24/10/2016 16:46

Daily You say the OP has some responsibility for the daughter's behaviour, but your explanation of the situation doesn't say how you think this is the case.

Unless the OP is being spiteful or cruel to the girl to provoke her, it is nothing to do with her.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/10/2016 16:58

Daily the dd is absolutely not op's responsibility, she is not her dd, or her relative! Op does not have to be with this man, who fails to parent, so that the dd's boundaries are horribly blurred. The sole responsibility of dd is her ineffective and useless parents.

coldcanary · 24/10/2016 17:54

the OP has only been in the relationship for a short time & bears no responsibility to the child at all! She's tried to include her, tried to show the bloke that he shouldn't be so submissive to a child and has now reached the end of her tether with the whole situation.
How exactly is any of this the OP's fault?

bumsexatthebingo · 24/10/2016 18:12

I think if the couple wanted to make it work they both had a responsibility to make it a smooth transition. Obviously the dad is not handling things well but I don't think the op was doing a great job stamping her feet about sitting in the front of the car etc. Anyway it doesn't seem like it's going to be an issue anymore from the update!

DailyMailPenisPieces · 24/10/2016 21:13

I didn't say OP is responsible for daughter's behaviour!

I do however think she has behaved in an usual way - refusing to go in the back of the car etc (not saying that she should have gone in the back, but she sounded churlish).

YouTheCat · 24/10/2016 21:28

But Daily, once the dd had the OP dancing to her tune, what then?

The OP tried to include the dd and was met with petulance and excuses. It was then that her father should have stepped up and told her to be polite and respectful as the OP was with her.

MissMargie · 25/10/2016 06:26

Obviously the dad is not handling things well

Understatement of the year.

Poor child.

deeedeee · 25/10/2016 07:15

This reminds me of a childhood friend I had. Her mum dies when she was 11 and her dad totally spoiled her like this after. She basically ruled the roost, he just kinds lived at the kitchen table. She used to bully and belittle him in front of all of us friends that she's invite over for parties. He'd just take it.

It got serious, as he was so used to giving her everything she wanted that by the time she was 14 he was buying her vodka and wine each week in the food shop . She became an alcoholic and never left her dad's house. He eventually moved out when she terrorised him out of the house by having awful boyfriends living there. Thirty years on, she's still in the same house, still an alcoholic and he lives in a little bungalow done the road. I think he still pays all her bills. So sad.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 25/10/2016 07:18

Pedrhaps stick to dating men without children for now eh op? You clearly aren't mature enough to accommodate the needs of a 12 year old girl (a very tricky age) in your rose tinted vision of what a relationship should be. You've been with him 8 months only so I don't buy for one second that you have made any sort of effort here and I'm afraid you will have to make a huge effort with the children of any future partner. As for dumping him by text ... well that speaks volumes about the sort of person you are. Which is not terribly adult or responsible.

There are some stupidly ott replies on this thread. "Run for the hills" indeed.

HmmHaa · 25/10/2016 07:29

I feel really sorry for this little girl (who is only 12, which is still a child in so many ways)

You are right to dump him - he is a weak and selfish parent. Disappearing off to his bedroom with his girlfriend and letting a 12 yr old sit on her own all evening? A 16 yr old bloke would be more considerate.)

But, most importantly, you don't like this child. Her useless dad staying in a relationship with you would be even more damaging.

Move on - this is not your difficult situation to sort out. If anything, prolonging this relationship would be bad for all three of you.

Tliev · 25/10/2016 07:42

I wouldn't sit in the back of a car to satisfy the demands of a 12 year old either. By the sounds of it, she'd only demand something else if the op had of done anyway!

Catsize · 25/10/2016 07:45

She is a very unhappy child, who has 'won' in pushing you away.

Can understand why you don't want to be her Mary Poppins though.

Andrewofgg · 25/10/2016 07:51

Dump now and tell him why. By text and in detail. There may still be time for him to take control of his daughter and his home and his life.

Cucumber5 · 25/10/2016 08:16

In our house my teen might comment on eating takeaways for healthy eating purposes. I would make food decisions and would consider her needs but not be dictated to about what we ate or the amount on each plate.

She's entitled to be in the lounge but it's a communal room, so must expect others to use it at the same time.

Car sickness could have been real. However the drama over her father not driving is weird. Lazy teens might be awkward about walking/exercise if not used to it but she's not a toddler anymore. She's got two legs and she can use them!

Biscuit stealing. She might have a packet a week instead of sweets? Seems odd. Shes old enough to share without issue however.

Roomsize - we have the middle sized room as we have a lot less stuff. I prefer the view out my window. It's quieter

I recon he's given in when ever she's had a tantrum in the past. She's totally spoilt and gets her own way, ignoring everyone's else's needs.

OftenOnTime · 25/10/2016 08:35

bibbitybobbityyhat LMFAO Are you for real?! This 12 year old sounds like a little madam and the Dad sound like a nightmare that is doing his daughter no favours at all. Did you even read the thread? This is not normal behavior.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/10/2016 09:56

bibbity wtaf are you on, the funny pills!!!! This girl is not op responsibility, she is not her mother! Most women I know would not tolerate this, and would have walked more quickly, most 12 year olds I know, do not behave like this, she is behaving like this, because her useless dad allows it! If she was given boundaries, and corrected from an early age, then this would not be a problem. Most 12 year olds, do not take charge of their parents, and parents willingly allow this.

littleprincesssara · 25/10/2016 10:19

I don't think it's appropriate to call a young child who's evidently being abused (emotionally, not physically) nasty names.

She's the victim here.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/10/2016 10:31

She's not really a young child, but she is a child and this is not her fault.

bumsexatthebingo · 25/10/2016 10:37

If a child was travel sick I would let them sit in the front. And I'm talking a friend of my kids who was getting a lift with us. If it was a child I wanted to accept me into their family then of course they would without question. The dad has obviously pandered to the child too much but I don't think wading in with 'I am the adult and you are the child so we do things my way now' is any way to ease the transition of a new partner either. Sounds like the child was digging her heels in to show that she still comes first (as she should btw) and instead of handling it in an adult way the op engaged in a competition with her that she was never going to win. It's entirely possible that the dad doesn't usually treat her this way but was trying his best (misguidedly) to support her at what must have been a difficult time. Sounds like the outcome us best all round. And if you're going to finish a relationship of 8 months with a text it was never going to be wedding bells and galloping off into the sunset anyway was it?