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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end relationship because of his 12 year old DD?

229 replies

Geraldine81 · 23/10/2016 09:36

Been seeing a guy for around 8 months and have recently been getting to know his DD who lives with him. He's lovely and we get on great but the dynamics in the house are just crazy and it's really bothering me, to the point where I'm considering just calling it off.

Basically she rules the house. The first time I went we walked in the living room and she was sprawled across the sofa with make up and hair straighteners, laptop etc all over the living room floor. DP popped his head around the door, introduced me and then said "we better go upstairs" and there we were sat in his bedroom all night like a couple of teeneragers! To make matters worse, she has the master bedroom and he's squashed into the tiny back bedroom. I assumed this was a one off but it's happened almost every time we have gone back on an evening. One night we went back and he said to her "can we have the living room tonight?" And she said "no sorry, I'm busy" and he just said "booo!" And started making his way upstairs!!!!

Another example though was one time we were privately discussing ordering a takeaway to watch with a movie later that night. She heard us and came wading in saying "dad .... what did we discuss about takeaways??" And he said "yes ok" in a bored voice. She walked out and I said "what??" And he said "oh we'd better just cook something that's in".

Now at this point I was getting sick of the whole carry on so I said "sorry but I'm an adult and I want to order a takeaway as we planned. I'm not used to being ordered around by a child. If you don't want to join me I'll go home and enjoy it there". So he said "maybe after she's asleep?" 😳😮 so I told him I was going home because I can't get my head around a 12 year old being in charge and I needed time to think. He's text me constantly since but there are so many other examples of it. I'm thinking I should just sack it off now and save us all the drama or am I being too quick to end it?

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 23/10/2016 12:18

I think you know you need to end this OP. It sounds like a nightmare situation and let's fact it nothing is going to change. Even on the off chance if it does then his DD will just resent you for it. It's a lose lose situation all round.

DailyMailPenisPieces · 23/10/2016 12:21

Finish. You will just be the wicked stepmother.

EssentialHummus · 23/10/2016 12:26

Just seen your update OP. It'd be good for you to explain why (if he asks), but I think you're right to end this. I can only foresee disaster if your relationship with him was to get more serious - he can't parent his DD, you would be overstepping the mark to try... chaos.

rainbowstardrops · 23/10/2016 12:31

Personally, I think you should have talked to him properly about the whole situation and how he isn't doing his DD any favours by letting her rule the roost.

Could you not have suggested doing something all together to include the DD?

Poor kid needs boundaries and supportive people around her.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 23/10/2016 12:36

I would break it off now, no question. He sounds as attractive as a damp dishrag.

VladimirsPooTin · 23/10/2016 12:40

Have you dumped him yet?

QueenLizIII · 23/10/2016 12:43

I can understand giving a child the bigger bedroom. They have homework, more time spent in their bedrooms, etc. But she monopolises the lounge too so has the run of the whole house which isnt on.

There is also something inherent in the child that means she enjoys this and that doesnt bode well.

When I was little I couldnt give a toss how people lived their lives at that age. I had no interest is bossing people around and I still dont. I'm very live and let live.

Interestingly I had this dynamic when I was little. My mum allowed my sister to do it. She behaved like a second mother to me. Pushing me around, telling me what to do and what I could and couldnt do and yes she was 12 at the time and my mum stood and watched it. The dynamic hasnt stopped to this day as my sister still passes judgment on my life and gets bloody angry just for me being me. For example, I am currently sat on the sofa with my laptop in my pajamas and it is midday. Were my sister to see this, she would have a right go at me and shout at me for being lazy and to get dressed and order me around.

The dynamic wont end unless he nips it in the bud now.

I would have a conversation with the man if he wants to talk and tell him why you're ending it.

Elphame · 23/10/2016 12:43

I wouldn't have invested even 8 months with him.

Ilovenannyplum · 23/10/2016 12:45

God. That's weird.

Run away OP!

chickenowner · 23/10/2016 12:45

You've done the right thing in breaking up with him.

The whole situation with his daughter sounds completely crazy, and can only get worse as she gets older.

WaitrosePigeon · 23/10/2016 12:48

Did he reply?

Original poster
Geraldine81 · 23/10/2016 12:59

I have tried including her in stuff. I once suggested a visit to a forest and it was an absolute nightmare. Before we went DP asked if I would mind sitting in the back of the car as his DD got travel sick and had been complaining about it to him. I said no, I won't squash myself into the back of his fiesta but as I'm also travel sick, I do have tablets available for her. Well the journey was an absolute disaster. She started with the travel sick thing from the minute we left their street (sorry but nobody gets travel sick that quickly) and was barking "oh I feel so sick! And you know why dad! So if we have to stop constantly on the way there it's all your own fault!". I swear we stopped at every bleeding service station on the way. 3/4 of the way there DP asked if I would drive so he could sit in the back and let her have the front seat. I said it was ridiculous but if it got us there any quicker then yes I would. She then decided that she had a "phobia" of been in a car with anyone but her father driving so this wouldn't do either.

When we (eventually) got there she wa smuts a nightmare. Having to sit down every 5 minutes as her ankle was hurting, eventually deciding that she needed to link arms with her dad to enable her to walk meaning me walking behind them like a dickhead.

Other things I've tried are a bake day with her - which she made impossible due to a tirade of imaginary allergies that she'd suddenly developed that day meaning DP was sent to shop 3 times to buy all this special ingredients that she needed.

We had a movie night - film of her choice, popcorn etc .... she moaned all the way through it, the popcorn wasn't the right type, the to was too dark, the volume was too low/too high/not on an even number (she'd suddenly developed OCD about numbers this day) etc etc

She's just impossible.

Just to clear up - I spoke with him yesterday after another "she said the boss" incident saying that I couldn't see it working out and I needed time to think. I gave the reason that I couldn't live being dictated to by a kid. I'm a healthcare professional with a mortgage, responsibilities etc etc and I just can't go on being ordered around and having my movements dictated to by a child. He said he understood and he would get tougher with her but I said I'd think it over. Hence the text today.

OP posts:
CancellyMcChequeface · 23/10/2016 12:59

As a daughter of a single father I think you're being a bit harsh on the daughter, OP.

Yes, saying the two of you can't stay in the living room is beyond rude, I agree, and would be regardless of her age, but the takeaway situation could be anything - a discussion they had previously about not wasting food bought for dinners and not eaten, eating more healthily or not spending as much money on takeaways? It might have been wholly the dad's decision and she was just reminding him of it. You just don't know. By the time I was 12 I was responsible for doing most of the household food shopping, so I was involved in discussions of what and how much to buy, even though I wasn't deciding it all myself.

Automatically interpreting it as 'being ordered around by a child' makes you sound obnoxious, sorry. It sounds as if you'd be better off dating a man without children.

hotdiggedy · 23/10/2016 13:01

Out of interest, did you attempt to make any effort with her at all? It seems that you just found her annoying for being sprawled out with her stuff all over the living room (normal) and them for listening in on a 'private' conversation about takeaway.

Maybe it isn't easy for her having a random woman turning up looking irritated and hiding away in her dads room all night?

Either way, its probably best that you put an end to it as it seems to be a bad match all round.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/10/2016 13:04

Yowch.

Sounds like she definitely was trying to put a spanner in the works as well then. :(

Hey ho, you're still best off out of it OP.

QueenLizIII · 23/10/2016 13:04

CancellyMcChequeface

You wrote your post without seeing the OPs update above. Did you behave like that and would your dad have allowed it?

The DD is very spoiled and difficult and there is no excuse for her behaviour. She is just plain rude.

Beebeeeight · 23/10/2016 13:08

It sound like they could benefit from social services support.

They aren't functioning healthily.

It may even be emotional abuse and or neglect.

CancellyMcChequeface · 23/10/2016 13:17

QueenLizIII - you're right, some of the things in the update are incredibly rude and I'd never have behaved like that.

My dad did have one girlfriend who I didn't get on with, as she was quite open in her dislike of children and young people and made comments about how much I did around the house (too much, apparently) and my health issues, which she thought were imaginary (no travel sickness or anything which really affected her in any way!) My solution was to spend as little time with her as possible - but I was always polite when I did have to see her, even though I disliked her.

His other girlfriends (and the eventual long-term partner he's been with for over a decade now) I got along absolutely fine with, so I think in that one instance it was just a personality clash.

Rafflesway · 23/10/2016 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FurryLittleTwerp · 23/10/2016 13:22

oh dear

Original poster
Geraldine81 · 23/10/2016 13:32

Other examples - there are two tubes of toothpaste in the bathroom. The Colgate one is dd's only. The Asda smart price one is his.

Once I had been sat in his pokey bedroom for two hours slowly going out of my mind with boredom, claustrophobia and sheer frustration whilst he 'sneaked downstairs' every now again to make us drinks. At one point he came sneaking back into the bedroom and pulled a pack of biscuits out of his jumper saying he'd "stolen us some biscuits". I said "what do you mean, 'stolen??'' And he replied "well, they're dd's - we'll be in bother if she finds out!" And he was giggling like a little kid.

Another time we got an Indian takeaway. We'd decided that as the portions are so big we'd just get two to share between the 3 of us (I'm not a big eater). DD overheard and came strutting in saying "obviously I want a full portion to myself, you know that right, dad?". He muttered "yes".

Food arrived and I said to him "so we're sharing them out right, like we agreed?" And he said "well, maybe me and you should share as DD likes a full one. I told him I didn't agree with this at all as that's not what we had planned to do (and I was paying for it!") so he took all the food into the utility room and baracaded the door to prevent her from seeing what he was doing!!!! 😳😮 when she got her plate (which was much more stacked than the other two) she barked "is this all of it?" In an accusatory tone.

There are too many examples to list. It's not just about the living room/bedroom space.

OP posts:
Eliza22 · 23/10/2016 13:35

I feel sorry for this dad. He clearly has no parenting skills and is not coping. Social services should be involved. And his dd is going to be a total nightmare if this continues through no fault of her own, poor thing. She needs parenting.

19lottie82 · 23/10/2016 13:37

beebeeee there's no way social services would be interested in this. They're stretched to capacity as it is.

Giggorata · 23/10/2016 13:38

The more I read, the more right I think you were to finish with him.

SoleBizzz · 23/10/2016 13:39

Dump him.