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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end relationship because of his 12 year old DD?

229 replies

Geraldine81 · 23/10/2016 09:36

Been seeing a guy for around 8 months and have recently been getting to know his DD who lives with him. He's lovely and we get on great but the dynamics in the house are just crazy and it's really bothering me, to the point where I'm considering just calling it off.

Basically she rules the house. The first time I went we walked in the living room and she was sprawled across the sofa with make up and hair straighteners, laptop etc all over the living room floor. DP popped his head around the door, introduced me and then said "we better go upstairs" and there we were sat in his bedroom all night like a couple of teeneragers! To make matters worse, she has the master bedroom and he's squashed into the tiny back bedroom. I assumed this was a one off but it's happened almost every time we have gone back on an evening. One night we went back and he said to her "can we have the living room tonight?" And she said "no sorry, I'm busy" and he just said "booo!" And started making his way upstairs!!!!

Another example though was one time we were privately discussing ordering a takeaway to watch with a movie later that night. She heard us and came wading in saying "dad .... what did we discuss about takeaways??" And he said "yes ok" in a bored voice. She walked out and I said "what??" And he said "oh we'd better just cook something that's in".

Now at this point I was getting sick of the whole carry on so I said "sorry but I'm an adult and I want to order a takeaway as we planned. I'm not used to being ordered around by a child. If you don't want to join me I'll go home and enjoy it there". So he said "maybe after she's asleep?" 😳😮 so I told him I was going home because I can't get my head around a 12 year old being in charge and I needed time to think. He's text me constantly since but there are so many other examples of it. I'm thinking I should just sack it off now and save us all the drama or am I being too quick to end it?

OP posts:
MagikarpetRide · 23/10/2016 14:50

emoji fail Blush

Justaboy · 23/10/2016 14:52

Jaysus bloody Christ!.

That "man" and his daughter need a woman around with a will of iron and nerves of steel and it ain't you OP;!

That said poor child shes been let down and is now in a place she can't handle and he's now doubt feeling rather guilty for letting her down and her mums gone etc and onwards.

Now I've been there in his position after daughters mum died after a long manic depressive illness and we were going that way but I did manage to reverse it all but it wasn't easy. Indeed had the same although nowhere near as bad when after a while another woman turned up and there was some friction between them but nowhere near as bad as what's going on here.

And yes DD1 too sort of became woman of the house as she was in a similar position with a mum who was in hospital a lot of the time with her illness and she sort of became a bit of a carer of her mum. Not quite like that but similarities as to here. However in the end shes a very well together grown woman now and all is well with her:)

You say your a health professional OP any chance you can get them to some professional help before the a fucked up child becomes the same adult?.

LIttleTripToHeaven · 23/10/2016 14:53

I know an adult who is exactly like this. Exactly. Right down to the sudden onset illnesses/disorders/conditions/allergies that only ever present when she wants her own way.

It won't change unless he changes his ways.

Have you heard back from him?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/10/2016 15:16

It might not be the OP's responsibility to tell this bloke what a fuck-up he's making of his daughter, but I still think she ought to out of common decency! Give him a chance to turn it around before another unfettered narc is unleashed on the world.

TitaniasCloset · 23/10/2016 15:19

A close friend of mine had a similar relationship with her single mum, the mum would switch between spoiling her and being abusive. As an adult and now mum herself she had to learn to curtail her own princess behaviour, she upset me so much at times I still hold resentment and it was exactly this sort of thing, claiming allergies and phobias around food and dragging everyone to the place she wanted to go to of course never paying, claiming car sickness - which I genuinely have and wanting to sit in the front seat next to my boyfriend. It goes on and on. Eventually even her own mum got fed up with it and she ruined good relationships with guys she liked. Much harder to learn as an adult that this is unacceptable. He is doing her no favours and you are better off out of it, as other posters have said the fun and games will start when she hits the teenage years for sure. Then he won't find it all so funny or cute.

bumsexatthebingo · 23/10/2016 15:41

To look at things another way this is a child whose family has broken up who is having to accept someone knew in her life and as well as sharing her fathers time and affection and she's only 12. Would it be right for the dd to be sent to her room just because the dad has his gf round? Why couldn't they all sit together? The child didn't actually say that they couldn't sit there just that she didn't want to disappear upstairs. And I also suffer with travel sickness but would suck it up if a child travelling with me also did and needed the front seat.
I think if the post was about a woman putting her childs needs above those of herself and her new bf she would be being applauded.
It sounds like the op is only concerned about where she is in the pecking order and probably should consider dating someone without kids.

hotdiggedy · 23/10/2016 16:04

Actually if this is all true then she does sound like an absolute madam. He needs some parenting help!

VimFuego101 · 23/10/2016 16:13

Sounds like you dodged a bullet, OP. This could never be a happy relationship...

TheCommunalRibena · 23/10/2016 16:31

Social services, fgs. As if.

DiegeticMuch · 23/10/2016 16:52

I feel sorry for the girl, having to look after him like that. It's the sort of thing that happened in Victorian times, when the mother died and the oldest/only daughter took over the household. I'm all for 12 year olds pulling their weight, but she is growing up too fast.

Caken · 23/10/2016 17:05

She sounds a nightmare, YANBU! Hopefully this breakup will be the wake up call he needs to sort things out with his DD. Not normal and not good at all. Very strange situation!

hippydippybaloney · 23/10/2016 17:05

So much nope.

Not because of the daughter, but because of the father, who has enabled all of this.

eyebrowsonfleek · 23/10/2016 19:27

I hope that everyone has pointed out that it's the dad not the daughter who's at fault. She's ruling the roost because her dad lets her. he's not doing her any favours- I bet that she has problems with children the same age who won't put up with that kind of behaviour.

With regards to the alcohol and takeaway, it sounds like something is very wrong here. My kids have had to tell their dad not to drink when they visit him. This is because he is very nasty when drunk (he was teetotal when we were together because he acknowledges this) and they witnessed him and his gf have the mother of all arguments.He only has them one night a fortnight so no alcohol on that day is perfectly reasonable. With regards to the takeaway- it could be a money or health thing. Maybe she's experienced him not having money for something important like new school shoes because he spends money on daily takeaways instead? Maybe she's seen him slim down and had to put up with cranky behaviour from him because he was dieting? Maybe he had a health problem or a relative had a health problem and she wants him to eat healthily?

GabsAlot · 23/10/2016 20:31

sen your updates geraldine fair enough if youve alredy discussed it

he sounds so wet and wont ever havea life

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 23/10/2016 20:53

I would love to be a fly on the wall in his house when he found out that he had ruined his relationship because of his inept parenting.

tofutti · 23/10/2016 21:07

.

kiwigeekmum · 23/10/2016 22:04

I agree with with pp that YANBU and you've made the right call - but not because of the daughter, because of the father and his inability (or unwillingness) to actually parent her.

Her behaviour is appalling, for sure! And parenting a 12 year old is rarely easy. But I feel sorry for her. She's been abandoned by Mum and allowed to rule the roost by Dad. She may think she's getting her own way but she's been forced to act as mother to her own father due to his failure to step up and set some boundaries - that's seriously messed up. Are there some parenting courses in the area you could steer him towards before you cut ties completely?

Texfactor · 23/10/2016 22:26

Had this with an ex. His 6 year old came EOW and was completely in charge. Unattractive & lazy parenting & IMO what happens when you don't give your kid clear & firm boundaries and rules. You've done well to last this long, OP! Jeeee-zissssss!
Poor kid. Crap parent.

SabineUndine · 23/10/2016 22:31

Yeah, dump him. My oldest friend split up with her DP over his unspeakable son (from previous relationship) who had the same sort of attitude towards the flat where they all lived together. The boy had been spoiled for so long, it was impossible to pull him into line.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 23/10/2016 22:36

Wow, I can't believe you lasted 8 months! What a man-child, hiding biscuits and scurrying to his tiny room. His DD is going to be one of these hideous, entitled adults we read about on here so often.

daisychain01 · 24/10/2016 06:22
Shock
Googlebabe · 24/10/2016 06:32

Your instincts are right. And the problem is not his daughter. He has deep phsychological problems if he is allowing this.
I would just end it now, before it gets any further.

Nataleejah · 24/10/2016 06:54

YANBU.
They are set in their lifestyle. Probably happy about it. Tr to change it and all of you will go mad.

emmyhNL · 24/10/2016 06:59

This may be an obvious question but does he see what he's doing is wrong? Or shouldn't be the way a relationship between parents and children should be?

I'd personally leave it if he says that things will never change... And I don't think his daughter will like any change whatsoever

LIttleTripToHeaven · 24/10/2016 07:01

I can't help but wonder how you managed to bring yourself to have sex with this man for months. I can't think of many things less attractive than this level of weakness and ineptitude!