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Original poster

To end relationship because of his 12 year old DD?

229 replies

Geraldine81 · 23/10/2016 09:36

Been seeing a guy for around 8 months and have recently been getting to know his DD who lives with him. He's lovely and we get on great but the dynamics in the house are just crazy and it's really bothering me, to the point where I'm considering just calling it off.

Basically she rules the house. The first time I went we walked in the living room and she was sprawled across the sofa with make up and hair straighteners, laptop etc all over the living room floor. DP popped his head around the door, introduced me and then said "we better go upstairs" and there we were sat in his bedroom all night like a couple of teeneragers! To make matters worse, she has the master bedroom and he's squashed into the tiny back bedroom. I assumed this was a one off but it's happened almost every time we have gone back on an evening. One night we went back and he said to her "can we have the living room tonight?" And she said "no sorry, I'm busy" and he just said "booo!" And started making his way upstairs!!!!

Another example though was one time we were privately discussing ordering a takeaway to watch with a movie later that night. She heard us and came wading in saying "dad .... what did we discuss about takeaways??" And he said "yes ok" in a bored voice. She walked out and I said "what??" And he said "oh we'd better just cook something that's in".

Now at this point I was getting sick of the whole carry on so I said "sorry but I'm an adult and I want to order a takeaway as we planned. I'm not used to being ordered around by a child. If you don't want to join me I'll go home and enjoy it there". So he said "maybe after she's asleep?" 😳😮 so I told him I was going home because I can't get my head around a 12 year old being in charge and I needed time to think. He's text me constantly since but there are so many other examples of it. I'm thinking I should just sack it off now and save us all the drama or am I being too quick to end it?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 23/10/2016 10:24

I would end it with him and tell him it's because he is failing to parent his daughter.

lifeissweet · 23/10/2016 10:25

I agree with strange.

The usual situation would be to go and sit in the living room with DD, ask her to move some of her belongings and make space, then all sit together.

Then if she decides she wants her own space she can go to her (master) bedroom.

This is how families and shared spaces work. It is a shared space and you share it!

You don't skulk off to the bedroom of the adult (and homeowner)! Madness.

NameChange30 · 23/10/2016 10:27

Sad that several people think it's so strange that the DD lives with her father and not her mother.

Maybe the mother is dead, maybe she is an unfit parent, maybe she disappeared off the face of the earth, maybe they just decided it would be best for the DD to live with her father (although to be fair that last hypothesis doesn't seem to be the case!)

It's 2016, it's not completely unheard of for dads to be resident parents.

However, I am curious to know what the deal is with her mother because it might explain (not excuse) the dynamic.

Original poster
Geraldine81 · 23/10/2016 10:27

I've already been told that the wine will have to wait until she goes to bed or she'll "be in a mood with us".

The mother had an affair a few years back and because she's even more useless than he is, she agreed to let him "have DD". She's supposed to see her every other weekend but as she's dossing in student houses etc either she will make an excuse or the DD will make an excuse.

I've just text him saying "I'm really sorry but I don't think we can continue, it's not working".

Yeah cowards way out but should be on his level at least

OP posts:
Fairylea · 23/10/2016 10:28

Incredibly odd and quite unhealthy for a 12 year old to be spending so much time alone to be honest, if you're out all night and arriving back to find she's taken over the living room so then go upstairs alone so she's spending all evening alone that sounds very odd. (I'm not saying that's your fault, that's clearly what she's used to..?) At 12 she is still a child and should be treated as such, she should be part of the family and your dp should be reclaiming the living room!

itsmine · 23/10/2016 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameChange30 · 23/10/2016 10:30

Aren't you going to tell him why? It would be kinder to actually tell him that you have concerns about his parenting and assertiveness. If he is otherwise lovely you could at least do him that favour.

haveacupoftea · 23/10/2016 10:31

Good for you ending it. He sounds quite pathetic, I imagine there's tears and possibly a tantrum to come.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 23/10/2016 10:33

Milklollies, please don't say 'moron'. It's offensive.

OP, I think you've done the right thing. FWIW, I think it's fine for children to have the biggest ('master', cringeworthy term) bedroom, as they generally spend more time there and have more stuff that doesn't live elsewhere in the house. But the tiptoeing around her isn't ideal.

DrudgeJedd · 23/10/2016 10:33

What Fairylea said, poor kid being left on her own, sounds very lonely.

SpringerS · 23/10/2016 10:37

Tbh, I'd actually be more worried about why she hates him drinking and has had to effectively ban her father from ordering take-aways. It's making me suspect that he has a problem with alcohol and/or excessive spending and that this poor child has had to fall into a parental role of managing her father in order to maintain stability in her life. Rather than getting into a high dudgeon about a 12 year old ruling the roost, I'd be considering why she is trying to control things like her father's drinking and spending. Those are very unusual things for a 12 year old to give a crap about unless her life is being severely effected by them.

NameChange30 · 23/10/2016 10:38

BeerBelly79
Welcome to MN Hmm
Reported your post on this thread and the others too.

LadyMoth · 23/10/2016 10:39

I'm with him on the bedrooms, I'd give a 12-year-old the bigger bedroom, so they could do homework, have their mates round etc. But then I'd expect to be able to use the living room and for them to hang out in their room, at least sometimes. Or at least to share the living room in a polite way.

I'm sorry for her though, obviously she is taking a kind of wife and mother role because no one is giving her any boundaries or support. I was a bit like that at that age when I lived in a chaotically dysfunctional household, and it is extremely bad for her, she needs a strong parent and to feel like there's someone more grown-up than her around. The poor love.

I wouldn't find this man at all attractive so it would be over for me.

jayisforjessica · 23/10/2016 10:43

YANBU. In this house, the adults are in charge and the children do as they are told. We talk to DS and with him, and we are as respectful to him as we expect him to be to us, but at the end of the day, what we say goes. We would not be asking permission to spend the evening in the living room of the house we worked to pay for.

Owllady · 23/10/2016 10:43

I feel sorry for her too, it sounds unhealthy.

category12 · 23/10/2016 10:43

It sound like the poor kids has been pushed into an adult role - ie. 'parenting' him about takeaways (money/nutrition) etc. I feel very sorry for her with an absent mother and this inadequate father. But certainly you, OP, should run away fast.

littleprincesssara · 23/10/2016 10:44

That poor child. Sounds like she's being forced to be her dad's "wife." Very sad. And why is a pre-teen being left alone?!

celeste83 · 23/10/2016 10:47

Yeah i would have escaped from that relationship a long time ago.

gunsandbanjos · 23/10/2016 10:50

That's a sad state of affairs for all parties.

I can see why you ended it with him!

I'm mother to a 12 year old and am separated from her father. My boyfriend and I include her as much as possible! Making pizza, watching movies, going out for walks etc. She's included but is also aware that we are the adults. She's a fantastic kid and thankfully my boyfriend and her hit it off really well.

Can't imagine pandering to her when he's around to the point of sitting in our room while she has the living room, that's just weird.

Lorelei76 · 23/10/2016 10:51

Glad you did that OP
You can leave a relationship for whatever reason you like though. Just saying, though this guy does sound bizarre.

user1470041360 · 23/10/2016 10:52

This isn't the child's fault. As people have said. The mother sounds selfish and the father a bit pathetic. Think you've done the right thing but I'd have to tell him why. Perhaps then he'll sort himself out and start being a decent role model for his daughter

Livelovebehappy · 23/10/2016 10:53

The bedroom thing isn't too bad TBH. When I was a single mum I tended to take the box room, only because the DC's had friends round and spent more time in their rooms, whereas I only slept in mine, so seemed to make more sense. It does sound though that your BF is letting her rule the roost through some guilt; probably because of the lack of a mum in her life, so he over compensates for this by basically allowing her to do what she wants. I used to do this, but on a lot lesser level, and look back on it now wondering what the hell I was doing to allow it. You also have to understand that she hasn't even hit the teen years yet, which is usually when the real fun and games start, so things are only going to get worse.

CoraPirbright · 23/10/2016 10:54

I think finishing it was the right thing to do. How long has this situation been developing? It could take years (and serious amounts of heartache) to resolve. As you clearly liked him on some levels, you could do him (& his dd) an enormous favour & tell him exactly why.

GabsAlot · 23/10/2016 10:56

sorry but its not her home and he shouuldnt have to ask permission to use the living room just sit there if sh doesnt like it she can bugger off

ha he ever explained why he wont tell her

IamalsoSpartacus · 23/10/2016 10:56

I dated a bloke with a mini-spouse until I twigged what was going on. He had a professional job, she worked in a minimum-wage retail situation.

All the food in the house was bought by her, with her money.

I refused to take food from a 16-year old's wages.

He was baffled as to why I felt that was unacceptable.

He also had a drinking problem but his main problem was that he wanted to be a child, not an adult.

Well done for calling it a day.