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Original poster

To end relationship because of his 12 year old DD?

229 replies

Geraldine81 · 23/10/2016 09:36

Been seeing a guy for around 8 months and have recently been getting to know his DD who lives with him. He's lovely and we get on great but the dynamics in the house are just crazy and it's really bothering me, to the point where I'm considering just calling it off.

Basically she rules the house. The first time I went we walked in the living room and she was sprawled across the sofa with make up and hair straighteners, laptop etc all over the living room floor. DP popped his head around the door, introduced me and then said "we better go upstairs" and there we were sat in his bedroom all night like a couple of teeneragers! To make matters worse, she has the master bedroom and he's squashed into the tiny back bedroom. I assumed this was a one off but it's happened almost every time we have gone back on an evening. One night we went back and he said to her "can we have the living room tonight?" And she said "no sorry, I'm busy" and he just said "booo!" And started making his way upstairs!!!!

Another example though was one time we were privately discussing ordering a takeaway to watch with a movie later that night. She heard us and came wading in saying "dad .... what did we discuss about takeaways??" And he said "yes ok" in a bored voice. She walked out and I said "what??" And he said "oh we'd better just cook something that's in".

Now at this point I was getting sick of the whole carry on so I said "sorry but I'm an adult and I want to order a takeaway as we planned. I'm not used to being ordered around by a child. If you don't want to join me I'll go home and enjoy it there". So he said "maybe after she's asleep?" 😳😮 so I told him I was going home because I can't get my head around a 12 year old being in charge and I needed time to think. He's text me constantly since but there are so many other examples of it. I'm thinking I should just sack it off now and save us all the drama or am I being too quick to end it?

OP posts:
Inertia · 23/10/2016 10:59

Sounds like the girl has been badly let down by both of her parents. Her mother has abandoned her; her father can't be bothered to be a parent, and so has created this bizarre dynamic with parent/child role reversal.

I can understand the bedrooms, and I can understand him not wanting to 'banish' her when you visit. But he is really not helping the child by making her the decision maker in the family.

I think you're wise to end the relationship, because you'd always be the bad guy.

GabsAlot · 23/10/2016 10:59

i mean its not her house shs the child

bit bad to text him though at least do it to his face

galaxygirl45 · 23/10/2016 11:01

I was around 15 when my mum started dating again, and my sis was 12. She would always do something really nice with us during the day, but before her boyfriend arrived we were told to clear our stuff away and she'd say that she loves us sitting with them both for a bit but she also likes having time alone with him. We'd hang around and say hi, perhaps eat and then we'd bugger off upstairs. It never bothered us as we knew mum still loved us. She doesn't sound like she has any respect for him, which is really sad.

AskBasil · 23/10/2016 11:01

I think you're doing the right thing to dump him but tbh I might have to tell him just for his 12 year old dd's sake.

He's denying her a childhood.

Which she may be enjoying, but it's not actually good for her.

DamePastel · 23/10/2016 11:02

You know how this one will end OP.

I dated a man who had a 9 year old daughter and she was like a Princess in his mind. He said early on I should have listened that Princess M£$%£"a didn't allow him to have a girlfriend and he laughed like that was so cute! I didn't laugh. I knew that it wouldn't when I heard that comment but I clung on hoping. Optimism was my mistake. He wouldn't let her meet me either as I was some malevolent presence that she needed to be protected from. I'm a very classy, wholesome, non-smoking, health-obsessed 40 something woman who doesn't even swear excessively, but his princess needed to be shielded from me. I wish I'd just said ''I'm out of here'' but he dumped me because I pressured him to be less cemented in his compartmentalisations ykwim.
I was over it within 72 hours though.

isupposeitsverynice · 23/10/2016 11:02

Oh you are well shot of this one OP. If he is letting her rule the roost at 12 it will only get worse. He needs to step up and properly parent his daughter or they are both in for some serious miseries over the next decade. If you had stayed it would have fallen to you to enforce some sense of discipline and then take a heap of shit for being an evil, interfering bitch who only wants to push daddy and precious daughter apart. No, you stay well out of that and find a decent bloke who's capable of standing up to a child.

AskBasil · 23/10/2016 11:03

might have to tell him why that should have said.

hermione2016 · 23/10/2016 11:06

He doesn't need a partner or girlfriend but some mental health support..there is so much dysfunction going on in that house.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 23/10/2016 11:14

I feel sorry for her, it sounds like she's been pushed into a more adult role. It wouldn't surprise me that when her parents were together that it was just a massive dysfunctional mess and she feel like she has to act like the 'adult'.

Excited101 · 23/10/2016 11:19

Hideous behaviour! Well done for getting out now, you've had some good insight into other parts of his mind that perhaps would have been otherwise hidden.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/10/2016 11:22

God what a mess - I think you're right to call it a day, but do him a favour (ad his DD, actually) and explain why.

HIs DD sounds like she's running the household because he's too shit to do so. Probably he used to always buy takeaways, and she got sick of it and understands that it's not healthy or economical to do so. Ditto with the alcohol - he might have just been a lazy beer-drinker (or wine) every night and she was fed up of him being at least half-drunk.

OK, I'm making assumptions, but I have to agree that it's very unusual for the 12yo child to be insisting on home-cooked meals and no alcohol - there's a reason behind that, and I feel sorry for her that she has no decent adult role model in her life (well insofar as her 2 parents are concerned at least). So do HER a favour and tell him that his lack of parenting is highly unattractive.

IPityThePontipines · 23/10/2016 11:29

Tbh, I'd actually be more worried about why she hates him drinking and has had to effectively ban her father from ordering take-aways. It's making me suspect that he has a problem with alcohol and/or excessive spending and that this poor child has had to fall into a parental role of managing her father in order to maintain stability in her life. Rather than getting into a high dudgeon about a 12 year old ruling the roost, I'd be considering why she is trying to control things like her father's drinking and spending. Those are very unusual things for a 12 year old to give a crap about unless her life is being severely affected by them.

Exactly.

However, I see we've already had posts talking about "mini-wives" and attributing adult motivations to children.

Zucker · 23/10/2016 11:42

It sounds like the father and daughter have had conversations about drink and takeaways. It's sad that the child is having to parent him. Blaming the child for being the responsible one is not on. She's not the nightmare in this situation and I hope she's not damaged by her shit parents in the long run.

Don't look back now that you've dumped him OP.

sophiestew · 23/10/2016 11:42

I dated someone similar and for ages I felt a total bitch about why I felt it was so creepy, but over time I realised it wasn't me - he was bloody odd and their dynamic was really weird.

I bet if you look at it objectively, this isn't the only red flag?

MissMargie · 23/10/2016 11:46

Direct him to parenting classes.
How awful that she isn't part of his life - but his supervisor.
How sad that she sits in the lounge alone.
She doesn't know how to act, this is really weird. Poor girl.

BlueFolly · 23/10/2016 11:48

This dynamic is clearly far to deeply embedded to be easily changed. So if he claims that he sees that you are right and things will be different, you'd still have years of battles ahead of you. Don't go there!

Aeroflotgirl · 23/10/2016 11:49

Yanbu at all, this would be a deal breaker. Who is the adult here! He's got to grow some balls, and set boundaries, not let his dd rule the roost, or he's going to loose a lot of relationships.

moreslackthanslick · 23/10/2016 11:52

Has he texted back with a "why?" yet op? You really should tell him.

I do feel sorry for the girl too.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/10/2016 11:52

Good op, the dynamic is totally screwed here.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/10/2016 11:55

I don't no, we don't know for certain whether he has a drink and spending problem, or he is allowing his dd to dictate his life because of some misplaced guilt complex. She controls other things, like who has the space in the house, etc

JoJoSM2 · 23/10/2016 12:01

OMG... have you seriously just broken up with him over text?? Awful... If nothing else, at least you could act like an adult...

SarcasmMode · 23/10/2016 12:12

Has he text you back yet op?

user1477219732 · 23/10/2016 12:12

Can't see the point in a man like this - well hes not a man, he is a little boy disguised as a scared rabbit and very boring. He should be taking you out to a restaurant not making do with a pizza.

SuperFlyHigh · 23/10/2016 12:16

Oh dear.

Well I don't agree with breaking up with him over text. You should have told him why.

Like I think guns posted he should have clear boundaries as to who the adults and children are and include all of you in tasks like making pizza etc!

I am now slightly concerned myself as started dating a widower who has a 5 year old DD. I hope she won't be a Princess type!

Eliza22 · 23/10/2016 12:17

Walk. No scrap that. Run. For your life.