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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to hold her baby??

175 replies

randomname456 · 23/10/2016 09:25

DP has arranged for us to visit a friend and her new baby next week (baby will be a few days old). I have never held a baby before! I'm also heavily pregnant and very excited to meet my baby. Months ago I was terrified about having a baby due to lack of experience....I'm still a bit terrified but more excited, and one of the things I'm excited about is that the first baby I hold will be my own. Does that sound a bit weird and as the title suggests aibu to not hold hers because of this reason? For clarity, this is not a very serious issue...Just feels a bit important to me.

OP posts:

kiki22 · 23/10/2016 10:12

I would hold the baby first time holding a newborn is fiddly you will enjoy holding your own more if you have an idea what u are doing I think.

Trifleorbust · 23/10/2016 10:15

Do what you like, but definitely don't tell her you are deliberately avoiding holding her baby

OneMillionScovilles · 23/10/2016 10:16

Just use your words. Tell her what you've told us - it isn't personal, but for your own reasons you're excited about your own baby being the first you hold. Worst case scenario she thinks you're being a bit odd, but it's not like you said her baby's too ugly to cuddle!

PinkyOfPie · 23/10/2016 10:17

Parker I was pregnant with dd1 before holding a baby. I was one of the first on my friends to have one and there were no babies born after me in my family (well except two cousins born a year after me so I wasn't of 'holding' age). It's not uncommon!

OneMillionScovilles · 23/10/2016 10:19

(I know other posters have already disagreed will disagree with me - but I think in this case honesty is the best policy. I have a real sitcom vision of you trying to find reasons not to hold the baby if you don't just speak your mind...)

OneMillionScovilles · 23/10/2016 10:20

Congratulations on your pregnancy and best of luck

wilfrhodes · 23/10/2016 10:20

I feel a bit like this, but not for the same reason. Aged nearly forty, I've held a baby precisely once, ever. Since becoming pregnant, I've been very wary of going near young children, let alone holding one, for fear that people are making judgements about what I'll be like with my child. I include myself in the list of people making those judgements!

As the baby you are visiting is only a few days old, I imagine there is a strong possibility that the mother may not be keen on it being handed around in any case, so you could be worrying over nothing. Don't refuse to go - you'll get invaluable advice from your friend which may help you to process your maelstrom of feelings about your future.

Original poster

randomname456 · 23/10/2016 10:21

Parker - I'm 35 and no I've never babysat or held a newborn baby. I imagine it's not as alien as you think!!

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 23/10/2016 10:22

I am 7 months pregnant and my sister 5 months. If she told me she didn't want to hold my baby because she wanted to hold hers first I would be very upset indeed. And I am not precious in any way. It is a rude thing to say to a new mum, who has just offered you a hold of her most precious thing in the world. Just say you are sick, or hold the baby.

SharkBastard · 23/10/2016 10:23

The first baby I held was DD and I had her at 27! I don't hold babies, still don't. I'm uncomfortable, but I will talk the talk around the parents but I've no interest in holding them.

I'm 14 weeks with my second...my SIL is due hers in a few weeks, undecided if I'll hold hers but probably have too as we're hosting Christmas and not sure I can avoid the whole thing for hours on end!

I get where you're coming from OP

WaitrosePigeon · 23/10/2016 10:23

I wonder how the mum would feel if you refused to hold the baby if she offered? I find it strange to be honest with you but if you don't feel comfortable, then don't I guess.

Badgoushk · 23/10/2016 10:24

Put a bandage on your wrist, explain how it hurts. Problem solved!

Owllady · 23/10/2016 10:24

I'd never held a baby before my eldest was born either. I was 21
I managed to look after her well too :o
I don't think it's odd op

SharkBastard · 23/10/2016 10:26

Also, I wouldn't bat an eyelid if someone didn't want to hold my baby...not all of us are the same!

dailymaillazyjournos · 23/10/2016 10:28

You feel how you feel. But if you think your friend might be upset that you don't hold her baby then i honestly don't think there could be a baby on the planet that will as feel as special or as wonderous to hold as yours will. I don't think holding your friends will make holding your own newborn any less gobsmacking.

OhFuckOff · 23/10/2016 10:29

The first baby I held was my first at age 18. I've never held any babies other than my own 4, I'm just not fussed on other people's children

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 23/10/2016 10:30

You might see your friend again before your baby is born, in fact this friend may become an invaluable source of support and help for you if she is one of your few friends that has a newborn at the same time as you.

I think you risk offending her by refusing to hold her baby. It might not come up, but if you are offered a cuddle, it would be rude and a bit petty not to in my view.

'Firsts' are over rated anyway. I can't say I remember much about the first cuddles with my babies. I was exhausted after labour, drugged up (and was vomiting into a bowl after my first was born).

My point being, don't imagine a magical scene cuddling your freshly born baby, filled with a rush of love and bathed in golden light because the reality may leave you feeling a bit disappointed. I love every cuddle with my children, even with my oldest who is fifteen .

I don't mean to piss on your parade, but I think you need to be rational about this. Holding a baby will in no way taint your own experience.

SnakeWitch · 23/10/2016 10:33

I found it hard to hold my newborn nephew when I was heavily pregnant as my huge bump was in the way! Maybe say you don't think you could hold it comfortably/would be holding baby in an awkward position but make lots of appreciative noises, give its little feet a gentle rub etc and it wouldn't be weird.

There's probably another thread on here somewhere anyway 'AIBU not to want my pregnant friend to hold my newborn '

APlaceOnTheCouch · 23/10/2016 10:34

If she offers the baby for a cuddle (and not all new mums do) then I think you'll need to tell her rather than employ elaborate avoidance tactics. I had a friend who didn't want to hold DS and it was bizarre watching her trying to avoid it without just saying I don't want to hold the baby.(I wasn't pushing DS on her but her DP was trying to get her to hold him. I think he thought she was being politely reticent when it was obvious she thought it was the equivalent of sticking hot pins in her eyes ).

hotdiggedy · 23/10/2016 10:35

I think you've spent too much time overthinking things and as Lostintheearly90s points out - it aint like it is in the fluffy magazines :)

KC225 · 23/10/2016 10:38

I never wanted to hold babies as I was scared of the wobbly neck/head thing. I thought the babies would smell/sense my fear and start crying.

I think I was about 5 months pregnant when my friend asked if I wanted to hold her son. I initially said 'no, you're alright' but he was foisted on me and I was told you'd better get used to it. He was a warm bag a cement, moulded into me, smelt heavenly and didn't sense my fear.

Original poster

randomname456 · 23/10/2016 10:40

Hotdigeddy - of course it is! Labour will be a dream! There will be no drugs or exhaustion, it'll be magical....or at least that's what DP thinks!

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 23/10/2016 10:43

I honestly don't know how you have got to be old enough to get pregnant without having ever held a baby at all. I was at a gathering yesterday where a new baby was being passed around like a plate of sandwiches, and even the little kids there got a (carefully supervised) cuddle on the sofa with the baby.

And - yes, you are being a bit weird. If you start off like this, you are going to become one of those parents who can't see the wood for the trees, so obsessed about "firsts" that every little thing will upset you, and you will end up stressing about irrelevant things instead of just enjoying your baby day to day.

Relax. Give your friend's baby a cuddle. It won't take anything away from your bond with your own baby.

BarInSpace · 23/10/2016 10:49

It's entirely up to you, and no it's not "weird" to have your own thoughts and feelings which may be different to other people's. You have every right to make your own decision on this. Perhaps explain to your friend beforehand though, so the awkward moment doesn't arise during your visit?

Rollonbedtime7pm · 23/10/2016 10:49

Agree Archery - just can't get my head around never having held a baby!?

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