Visiting his family after birth AI really BU!???

[mum2Bomg]

DD is due on 29th November - our first baby. DH and I agreed to spend Christmas and New Year at home, close to my family and this was really reassuring. We decided together (I thought) that we would work out the right time to visit people/allow visitors). DH has now gone off on one, starting with stating that we will visit his family 'between Christmas and New Year' which makes no sense considering the last conversation we had. When I questioned this he implied that we had agreed this as otherwise when will HIS family get to see her!? I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and made that clear. He then said, 'Well, I'll take her on my own.'

Last night I tried to explain my confusion and ask why we would visit between Christmas and New Year when we had already decided to be at home, effectively meaning we would be visiting them even earlier than new year. Things got a bit heated and he told me to fuck off. He immediately apologised and said he shouldn't have said that. But AIBU in thinking he has actually:

1. Already started making me feel guilty about his parents not seeing her and she isn't even due until 29th November
2. Has threatened to take our new baby away without me (this has upset me A LOT!)
3. Sworn at me when I questioned our arrangements

I'm really upset by this and don't know what to do next. In laws live about an hour and a half away from us. I adore them but I have no idea how I will be feeling and this feels like HUGE pressure to commit to visiting now. I'm reeling!

I just don't know where to draw the line here... There are a LOT of them!

AIBU is really helpful for when you actually want to know if you're being a witch. I thought long and hard about whether to post on here but it was definitely the right thing to do. I've only posted twice and you all helped both times. Feeling much less unhinged and hurt now. Hats off ladies, thank you.

Mum and dad first, others later? (And say it's just all dependent on how you feel?)

From the sounds of it your MIL is lovely and understanding and wouldn't have a problem!

It sounds like you get on well with MIL - can you (as in both of you!) just tell her that you want them to visit but don't have room for everyone to visit at once, and let her take the lead in passing that message on to the rest of the family?

Oh, and any men out there!

As for the birth op, again natural to be nervous. We don't get to hear about the positives of childbirth, which is also unhelpful. Dh and I had a laugh in the delivery suite - gas and air is amazing stuff. Of course it's called labour for a reason, but I'm really looking forward to doing it again. The UK has one of the best rates of outcome for both mother and child in the developed world - better than the US even, and they pay for their health care. I firmly believe that despite the scare stories, care for women and babies on the NHS is the best in the world. We are monitored so well throughout pregnancy and childbirth that even if something does go wrong, they're able to deal with it quickly and effectively. Honestly, try to relax and it'll all work out fine - you'll be holding your beautiful baby before you know it.

If your husband wants to invite 11 family members to your tiny home and have some of them sit in the garden in December , let him. Let him organise everything . Clean the house beforehand , go out to buy the food, prepare it , serve it and clear up afterwards. Deal with all the gifts and write thank you cards .

Just take yourself off upstairs to feed, change and settle the baby.

I promise you he will only do it once . The fantasy that's in his head is that he sits in the arm chair proudly holding his son and heir while his admiring family surround him. While you are in the kitchen preparing a delicious three course meal and entertaining the three children .

Once he has seem how much work and hassle it is and HE IS THE ONE WHO WILL BE DOING IT he will change his tune.

I find these kind of stresses so bizarre. A df of ours has a new baby and when I said "let me know when you're up for visitors, maybe a few weeks" him and his dw were puzzled and asked why we didn't want to come sooner and it made me realise what an odd outlook mn has given me re visiting with new baby. 4 weeks after dtds were born by emergency cs we took them and dd1 aged 3 on a 3 hour journey to introduce them to family. The first week or two you are adjusting but by week 3 and 4 surely you need to start living? I did all I could to ensure fairness between families. Dh's side was just as excited as mine.

Kr1stina - Lol! I'll suggest it and see how that goes down!!! They'll end up with M&S sandwiches in the garden and no thank you notes!

It really doesn't have to be all of them, it's does t need to to be a big event, mil and fil could visit for a couple of hours on their own after the baby is born, and then meet the rest later on in the new year

Did I miss why it's not possible for just his parents to pop over?

I'll just add here that I had two very easy births, Op to balance out the negative.

I love all the posters 'I would have been fine doing that with a 3 week old so you should be' - I wouldn't have been ok at all, it would have been a painful trip, so the op will definitely not be ok (according to your reasoning) . This isn't about banning the in laws, it's about a soon to be first time mums natural concerns about how this giving birth lark will go. And it is perfectly natural to want your own mum to
Support during this, which is different from favouring one set of in laws to see the baby. Dh may have been trying to find solutioning but I would be worried he has no clue how breastfeeding works and have to talk right about this. No one should take a baby away for that long when trying to establish breastfeeding ( and pumping is
Shit. also doesn't work well for many women).

Sod it! I'm going to have a lovely long bath and watch DD wriggle about. That'll help.

So what if they end up with M&S sardines in the garden and no thank-you notes! They'll cope, and he'll learn from the experience how to do it differently next time if he wants to.

Don't get yourself into the situation where you're the one doing all presents, cards, visits, phone calls, in charge of the entire social calendar, etc., just because you're female. It's bloody exhausting.

Sarnies, even! A,though sardines outside in Dec would be fine too I'm sure

OP, you've taken this really well, kudos.

FWIW, I think YANBU. I don't think a post-natal mother at 2-6 weeks after birth (going by the realistic 38-42w window) should be putting herself out and travelling for anyone, certainly not to provide access to the grandchild. I was in for 8 days with my first, he had jaundice and hospital did its best to fuck up bf. Then I spent the best part of the next 4 weeks expressing, topping up and struggling through bf refusal until we finally got to exclusive bf. I had ventouse and a minor pph. I recovered quickly but all the feeding stuff meant I couldn't have gone anywhere. I did a trip across the country on the train when my middle one was about 7 weeks. But my third, quick birth, left hospital the same day and tiny tear - I was in a difficult emotional state and just needed my dh and dc around me, nobody else. I wouldn't have been going anywhere. It really all depends on how YOU are - and the baby, of course.

Sorry YABU, DP's family is just as important as your family.

Plus she'll be a month old by then so while yes still teeny, not a brand new newborn and you'll hopefully be over the new baby shock by then

(29th November is a good birthday, that's my youngest sisters birthday!)

Oh, and I wouldn't have wanted loads of people in my space for hours on end either. FWIW.

It's U of him to react the way he did, but it's also U of you to make an 'agreement' that he clearly didn't agree to but didn't want to upset you at the time.

I can understand his upset and have no doubt he reacted badly to what he sees as a snub to his family and his right to share the event with them. You seem to have steamrollered him into 'agreeing' and his frustration with this erupted in a bad way. So you need to accept your demands were U too and contributed to his outburst.

Plus she'll be a month old by then

Due dates don't exactly work like that...

I had my first baby on the 26th November, a few years ago. We went to visit his family (2 hour drive) for Christmas. It was absolutely fine. I think we stayed two nights and came home again. Tiny baby was easy to travel with.

It was when I had my second I felt that travelling with a newborn and a three year old was too much, and then told people that they had to come and see us.

I am sure your DH did not mean what he said about going on his own. Probably a bit scared about the unknown of what a baby is going to do to your lives.

Yanbu. wait until baby is here to make plans I would say. Basic plan is they visit you. If you feel up to it then you visit them for a day trip. If you are breastfeeding then him taking baby on own may not work as y 4 weeks old they still need milk every few hours. When baby is here your husband will understand more too

Yes thanks 53rd, I'm aware of that

Look on the bright side OP - if you're up to the visit, you'll have plenty of willing cuddlers there and you can just sit back and chill!
Hope it all works out just fine