Visiting his family after birth AI really BU!???

[mum2Bomg]

DD is due on 29th November - our first baby. DH and I agreed to spend Christmas and New Year at home, close to my family and this was really reassuring. We decided together (I thought) that we would work out the right time to visit people/allow visitors). DH has now gone off on one, starting with stating that we will visit his family 'between Christmas and New Year' which makes no sense considering the last conversation we had. When I questioned this he implied that we had agreed this as otherwise when will HIS family get to see her!? I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and made that clear. He then said, 'Well, I'll take her on my own.'

Last night I tried to explain my confusion and ask why we would visit between Christmas and New Year when we had already decided to be at home, effectively meaning we would be visiting them even earlier than new year. Things got a bit heated and he told me to fuck off. He immediately apologised and said he shouldn't have said that. But AIBU in thinking he has actually:

1. Already started making me feel guilty about his parents not seeing her and she isn't even due until 29th November
2. Has threatened to take our new baby away without me (this has upset me A LOT!)
3. Sworn at me when I questioned our arrangements

I'm really upset by this and don't know what to do next. In laws live about an hour and a half away from us. I adore them but I have no idea how I will be feeling and this feels like HUGE pressure to commit to visiting now. I'm reeling!

I had a baby on Monday. My inlaws live an hour and a half away. They visited Tuesday and Friday. It's AN HOUR AND A HALF.

My first baby we travelled 5 hours from London to Cumbria when she was two weeks old. That was too much.

I think he shouldn't have sworn at you but really, an hour is NOTHING

Surely this is not about who "owns" the baby, but the fact that the OP may only be 2 weeks on form labour or c-section & will definitely still be establishing feeding. She's not saying no, she's saying she doesn't know & that is NU. The PILs & siblings could come for hour/2 hour long visits. The OP may want her mum around more after the birth to take care of her and that is reasonable.

YABU pretty sure if it was your parents that were an hour and a half a way you wouldn't have a problem with going to see them.

Two things really. If you're organising visits because he doesn't then complains it's not fair etc you're giving yourself a lot of the wifework to do while he coasts along. I'd see him ending up leaving cards/presents for his family all down to you too. So you end up taking on a lot of household tasks that benefit him with him not taking on similar tasks that benefit you.

The other being (admittedly my DC are a little older now but with similar distance to ILS, and we don't always have weekends free ) if a routine is established early then continued throughout maternity leave it's expected to continue all the time. So you can never find enough time to see friends or go to a regular swimming/dancing class on a Saturday morning as you've got to go to ILs. Plus if you're spending one weekend with ILs a month do you then get limited to only seeing your family also one weekend a month to keep it fair even though they're closer? Or would you be expected to see them in the week by yourself in order to keep the other weekends free? Fast forward until school and you only have quality time with DC yourself on the weekends and certain time is already allocated to visiting so your own downtime is limited.

Flexible arrangements that he actually has to make an effort to organise to work much better IME.

Liinoo - no, he's definitely not a prick or I wouldn't have married him! I'm also quite closed off about the 'Dad stuff' so I don't think I've even told him about that. I think I'd not realised that he's feeling worried about this and instead was hurt by his behaviour which made me ignore his underlying wants/needs.

Fucking hell no one has said that the Dh should ACTUALLY take the baby

Petalsandstars - you're right he doesn't make much effort with them and presents/cards fall to me. I don't mind as I love buying gifts for people but maybe I shouldn't bend too much on this and let him forget a few or I will be stuck with this forever?

JustMarriedBecca - how was the birth and how are you feeling now?

OP, you mention meeting friends over that period - it does seem unfair to meet friends and not make arrangement for the grandparents to meet the baby. They can be loose arrangements but it is unfair to let your family visit and not his. I hope you can sort something out that you are comfortable with and the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

Yabu .....

CotswoldStrife - that post was in response to someone who asked if I had anything planned for Mat leave before she arrives.

It's sensible to not make firm plans. I was very overdue with both my children, and then take a while to recover from the birth (2 weeks in bed following DD2). There was no way I could have made a 1.5 hour journey at that point (probably with either of mine as babies). Get his family to come and visit you. Ask them to help by bringing food etc.

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but are his parents capable of travelling to see you and baby after she is born ?

It does seem a little unfair that one set of grandparents is allowed what sounds like unlimited access and the other set have to wait a month to see their new grandchild .

Now would be a good time to remind DH that regardless of what plans he thinks are set in stone , his baby isn't in on any of them , what will be , will be .

pretty sure if it was your parents that were an hour and a half a way you wouldn't have a problem with going to see them.

That's not fair. I know I wouldn't have felt comfortable with making firm plans to visit anybody 4 weeks after due date. It's fine (and sensible!) to be flexible about this sort of thing.

We had both my family and his visiting us in the days/weeks after birth, and it was great even though our tiny house was quite crowded. First took the baby out to visit ILs for an overnight trip at 5 weeks old, and that was fine too, but I'm glad we played it by ear and didn't commit to that before the baby had even arrived.

Ive done the have a baby and get the bus home 6 hours later ive also done the have a baby and have after pains that hurt worse than actually having the baby did for about 4 weeks after and still be bleeding 9 weeks after and pretty much every single one was differnt in between those two.

You might be up to it you might not.

I might have a chat to his mum given that you say she's lovely amd sensible and she what she suggests.

And fwiw I don't think that "I would rather not commit to us visiting" is anything like "they are not allowed to see the baby" amd I'm not sure I understand why so many people have posted as if they are the same thing

Frumpet - yes they can drive but there would be; MIL, FIL, DH's brother, his wife, their two children, DH's sister, her husband, their 2yr old, grandad and grandmother.

11 people... Some of them would be in the garden!

They don't all 11 have to visit at once, surely?

YANBU, when people have a baby, you make the effort, 90 minutes isn't far for his family to travel

You're lucky so many people are interested in meeting your baby.

And yes they don't have to all come at once!

Oh and DH's uncle and aunt, who he's really close to. They're into big family things so would all want to come together...

I haven't RTFT so might have missed this already but why do his entire family have to come at the same time? My MIL and FIL (who are generally very lovely) visited when all of our DC were very small, either the day they were born or the following day, as did my parents and my Stepmum, but the rest of the more extended family didn't meet them immediately and they didn't all descend at the same time! Can't you just have your PIL to visit at first?

Marmalade85 - yes and she'll have so many people who love her - just wish we had a mansion!

X-posted with you OP.. It's not really about what they want though, is it? I quite like big family things too (as does my Dad's side of the family) but not with a newborn, so they just had to respect that!

I think a lot of people have been pretty harsh here. I wouldn't be planning a trip to see anyone 1.5hrs away 4 weeks after my due date.

My DD was 15 days late and there is no way I'd be in a fit state to travel away for a day 2 weeks after she was born. But I wouldn't have any issue with them coming to visit me anytime. I know you say your house is small, but just say they have to come in smaller groups and get them to visit you. It'll be much easier I'd think.