Visiting his family after birth AI really BU!???

[mum2Bomg]

DD is due on 29th November - our first baby. DH and I agreed to spend Christmas and New Year at home, close to my family and this was really reassuring. We decided together (I thought) that we would work out the right time to visit people/allow visitors). DH has now gone off on one, starting with stating that we will visit his family 'between Christmas and New Year' which makes no sense considering the last conversation we had. When I questioned this he implied that we had agreed this as otherwise when will HIS family get to see her!? I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and made that clear. He then said, 'Well, I'll take her on my own.'

Last night I tried to explain my confusion and ask why we would visit between Christmas and New Year when we had already decided to be at home, effectively meaning we would be visiting them even earlier than new year. Things got a bit heated and he told me to fuck off. He immediately apologised and said he shouldn't have said that. But AIBU in thinking he has actually:

1. Already started making me feel guilty about his parents not seeing her and she isn't even due until 29th November
2. Has threatened to take our new baby away without me (this has upset me A LOT!)
3. Sworn at me when I questioned our arrangements

I'm really upset by this and don't know what to do next. In laws live about an hour and a half away from us. I adore them but I have no idea how I will be feeling and this feels like HUGE pressure to commit to visiting now. I'm reeling!

Problem with "wait until the baby is here to make plans" is that week gets booked up fast! If there's lots of them, is that lots of siblings and aunts & uncles & cousins, many of whom also have partners, in-laws to fit in seeing, many people have to work...

Reserving a day now before everyone else gets booked up so you end up still only seeing half of them makes sense - even if you don't plan what you'll do.

I would start by saying your PIL (even if not all the siblings/extended family) are welcome to visit for the day after the baby arrives. (If you are kept in hospital for a few days, this actually is best as there are visiting times and you can get them to leave after an hour or so). Hold a day for DHs family between Christmas and new year, not planning who'll travel or what you'll do just yet, just hold a day, and you'll play it by ear what you'll actually do.

You will have to see how you feel nearer the time. I wouldn't have all the in laws descend all at once - What a nightmare. It's all very well for people to say they're having their third child mid December and will be going somewhere 2 weeks later. They aren't you and they know how they are likely to feel 2 weeks post partum. I do, however, think it would be imprudent to make fixed plans of either being at home or going away. You may be eager to go and show off your baby or you may be ill and exhausted. So in a way you're both being unreasonable with each other. Put it down to stress and anxiety as the birth approaches from the two of you. Christmas is a difficult time of year for many families because of outside pressure from siblings, parents and in laws to spend Christmas in the way they deem appropriate. Dh and I had our second Christmas with dd alone. Just a little bit of family peace. Dd would hate that these days.

Sorry OP. - realise I was a little harsh/insensitive. Just get frustrated with MN when it is like childbirth being presented as if it was triple heart bypass surgery!

You are obviously anxious and feeling frazzled and not sure how you will feel then. Be reassured, a visit - certainly if they come to you - will be fine and your DH is naturally keen to show the baby off. He is also clearly a little frazzled at the moment so be gracious to one another.

You have taken comments well and I'm sure everything will go swimmingly and you won't be able to wait to show off the new addition!

I really have never encountered the attitude to childbirth that I see on Mumsnet in real life. Everyone I know just got on with it after having the baby. Not everyone even had a partner at home for more than a few days after coming out of hospital.
The idea that a 1.5 hour car journey with a newborn is too much is ludicrus, all those saying they did not travel or do anything until 2-3 months after the birth how did you function?
The journey home from hospital was longer than 1.5 hours for me after both my kids. Where I live is very rural so the largest shop is a co-op, to get to a town with real shops and supermarkets is a journey of around 1.5 hours each way. I had no option but to get on with it.
How on earth do you all manage with a second child when you have an older one to get to school, clubs, get shopping etc if you can't do anything for so so long after having baby.
I have honestly never encountered these attitudes outside of this forum.

Everyone I know just got on with it after having the baby.

Well, good for you for not knowing anyone with any kind of post-birth complications, complicated c-section recoveries, feeding difficulties and so on?

The idea that a 1.5 hour car journey with a newborn is too much is ludicrus, all those saying they did not travel or do anything until 2-3 months after the birth how did you function?

Some people aren't able to.

I think if you're just stressing and worried just talk to him and explain. Say you're happy to kake plans as long as he understands they may have to change if things don't go smoothly.

If my dh said my family couldn't see our baby for weeks after birth I'd swear at him and say I was going alone too. No one would question that if the situation was reversed, in fact they'd probably ask if he was always so controlling.

I think you are right. Take it as it comes and plan to have them visit you, if you feel up to it then you can change your mind.

Women after child birth need to be looked after more, it doesn't happen enough in our society. I was quite shocked about how vulnerable I felt afterwards and how difficult I found feeding. Please please know that it all worth it, it's magical at the same time.

We took ds to see grandparents when he was a week old. I would not really have wanted them to come to mine I cant be arsed with the entertainment and juggling. I get a Break at theirs as I don't have to worry about chores meals and all that stuff.

Of course you can drive 1.5 hours when your baby will be a month old. Chances are baby will sleep the entire time. If you need to stop and feed/ change nappies etc you just find a place to stop and get on with it.
Your dh has as much right as you to spend time with his family and new baby at Christmas.
When my 3rd was 6 weeks old I drove from the south coast to Birmingham on my own, a journey of about 2.5 hours. In the car there were also my 2 and 3 year old boys.

But she doesn't know her baby will be a month old, bigbuttons. And she doesn't know how she'll be feeling or what she'll be up to doing. A month after my due date, I had a 10-day-old and was recovering from c-section - I would not have been up for 3 hours of travel and a day trip away.

Of course you can drive 1.5 hours when your baby will be a month old

You have no idea what the OP will or will not be able to do, the in laws however can do the visiting.

You have had far too much of a pasting here OP, and were quite right to feel upset. Look after yourself.

My DD was ten days late then I had to recover from emergency section. There is no way I would have been up to travelling at that stage. Nor would I have wanted DD whisked away for the day as I was exclusively breastfeeding. I also had post natal depression. These are all possibilities that mean that there shouldn't be any plans made at this stage.

Of course grandparents will want to meet the baby, but it would be much easier for them to visit you. We had family come visit and they always brought lunch with them to ensure we didn't have to do a thing.

I'm not sure why it's such an ideal to aspire to for a post-natal woman to 'get on with it'. I actually sent dh and my two older dc (10 and 8 at the time so not little children) away to visit friends and family for 4 days three days after dd's arrival because it was half term, a close friend of the boys' who lived far away was having a party and I wanted them to be there because he'd not long lost his mum. I 'got on with it' fine. But in retrospect it was a mistake - those days alone was when PND and anxiety set in. It was a difficult call to make but I should have agreed for them to stay home (they all offered). And it was perhaps consequently that I then didn't feel ready to go anywhere or see people for quite a long while.

There seems to be a bit of a tendency among women sometimes - perhaps amplified here on MN - for women to make other women feel bad by relating how they jumped out of bed 10 seconds after having their baby and made Christmas lunch for 20 while exclusively expressing for twins and with one arm hanging off into the bargain.

I also think that sometimes the demands of family to see the baby, as understandable as they are, can sideline the mother and what she needs. I wonder if a bit more indulgence - not meant in a negative sense - of the new mother in the very early post-natal days might ease relationships with ILs further down the line because the mother isn't simmering with resentment and feeling she's been treated like some kind of grandchild delivery unit?

When my first dc was 3-4 weeks old I was only just getting my post EMCS pain relief right. It was a struggle to go to the supermarket (I cried on the way home).

Even with DC2 we did bugger all for a few weeks. I didn't go to the gym until week 12.

I definitely agree that the mother's recovery needs to be a priority after giving birth, with plans to see family and friends made depending on how she is. The assumption that any particular woman will be either jumping out of bed making bread from scratch by the time the baby is 24 hours out of the womb is as ridiculous as the assumption that the same particular woman will be bedridden for 3 months. It quite simply depends. Anyone who didn't give birth (husbands, grandparents, friends) needs to defer to the wishes of the mum.

Looking at this from two points of view.
YABU to expect that your DP should not involve his in parents. They have as much 'right' to see their DG as your parents and if they cannot see DG then maybe you should hold off your own - think about DP here - he is the father.
However YANBU to not want to visit them. They need to visit you and they and DP need to sort out food and logistics - you could even have a sleep whilst DP and ILs look after Baby in your home.

YABU to not want DP to spend time alone with baby - it sounds like you see it as your baby and not his.
Good luck and enjoy

Heteronormative come on, that's not what people are saying. They are saying the OP should absolutely not go if she is not in fact up to it when the time comes, but that it is U to completely rule out seeing the ILs for that long when at that stage there is every chance she WILL be up to it. If she isn't, it'll be obvious well before they have to leave and can withdraw.

And I was fine after mine. It might actually be helpful to FTMs to know that you aren't necessarily crippled for weeks.

I wonder if the whole angst about visiting is a red herring and you should be looking at why your normally lovely partner has suddenly gone a little loopy on you? Lots of men don't start to absorb the reality of birth/parenthood until the end of the first pregnancy - has it just hit him?

I wouldn't be making that journey with a month old, possibly 2 week old if she goes overdue, but tell them they are welcome to visit you. The most recent advice is 30 minutes in a carseat for newborns.

I was quite emotionally fragile for a while after DD, she was preterm and spent time in NICU, I just wanted to be at home until I found my feet.

Within a couple of weeks of having ds1 I do remember learning the following: if we had visitors it was difficult to tell them to bugger off. But if visited their house instead, we could leave whenever we wanted to. We were much more in control that way, ironically. If it is a longer journey, that makes it trickier, but you can feed and change babies at cafes. Or book in at a premier inn and make a nice night of it. Chances are you'll be 2 weeks overdue and it won't even happen. It's amazing how mens ideas change, they can get protective of mum and baby once they see you go labour and just how small baby is.

OP you're feeling vulnerable. Tell him this and what you need for now. Explain to him you are worried and need him to be a source of comfort and reassurance. Offer to speak to his mum and let her know you you're unsure of when you'll visit but they're welcome at yours. She won't bring everyone if she's usually emphatic. Reassure him something will be sorted.

Heteronorm: it isn't about telling woman how they 'should' or 'ought' to be, but how it CAN be.

Every birth is different, every woman is different, no-one should ever feel they should judge themselves against someone else's circumstances. And just as there are long recoveries from ELCs or other surgical procedures or complications required, hormonal reactions, sleep and feeding issues, there are also straightforward births and straightforward deliveries after which women do not (unless they wish) need to feel that they need to adopt and old fashioned 'confinement' or regard themselves as invalids for extended periods.

The message is: see how you are , the Mum's needs come first, make plans once you know you are up to them.