Visiting his family after birth AI really BU!???

[mum2Bomg]

DD is due on 29th November - our first baby. DH and I agreed to spend Christmas and New Year at home, close to my family and this was really reassuring. We decided together (I thought) that we would work out the right time to visit people/allow visitors). DH has now gone off on one, starting with stating that we will visit his family 'between Christmas and New Year' which makes no sense considering the last conversation we had. When I questioned this he implied that we had agreed this as otherwise when will HIS family get to see her!? I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and made that clear. He then said, 'Well, I'll take her on my own.'

Last night I tried to explain my confusion and ask why we would visit between Christmas and New Year when we had already decided to be at home, effectively meaning we would be visiting them even earlier than new year. Things got a bit heated and he told me to fuck off. He immediately apologised and said he shouldn't have said that. But AIBU in thinking he has actually:

1. Already started making me feel guilty about his parents not seeing her and she isn't even due until 29th November
2. Has threatened to take our new baby away without me (this has upset me A LOT!)
3. Sworn at me when I questioned our arrangements

I'm really upset by this and don't know what to do next. In laws live about an hour and a half away from us. I adore them but I have no idea how I will be feeling and this feels like HUGE pressure to commit to visiting now. I'm reeling!

I swear none of this comes from malice - I'm just so uncertain about everything and it's like it's finally dawned on me at nearly 35 wks everything that will follow...I'm a bit scared in all honesty and it all feels very real!

His behaviour and words would have really bothered me too.

It is really worth having a serious discussion about this whole thing, including his reaction. Once the baby's here you're both going to be dealing with lots of decisions made under stress and sleep deprivation with large amounts of family baggage behind them. The sooner you can establish a good pattern around having those conversations, the better.

You can always cancel / postpone the visit! Why not 'pencil' a date in then if it's not a good time, just phone in the morning and rearrange? You say that MIL is a nice person and most people understand that life with a newborn can be unpredictable.

Sorry, it took me ages to do that response, and I see you have already decided to play it by ear. Good call.

He cannot take a newborn a 3 hour round trip away from his or her mother. When the baby arrives he will see this.

If you have a one month old able to go 3 hours without a feed it'll be a great but not necessarily usual thing. You may not be able to/want to express. You may not want to give formula.

I think you should plan for his family to see the baby. They don't all have to come at once or you could go there and be waited on. But there is no chance he will be able to take her away from you for the day.

DocMcFanjo - and she'd bring me a massive cake too! TY

Oh bless you, tell him that!

Why can't they come to visit you? Why are ils lumped as one entity? Do they have to all come together?

It doesn't matter if your house is small as long as you're welcoming.

There's no way I would have travelled that far when any of my dcs were 3-4 weeks old. I just wasn't well enough.

We took my two-week PFB to the Isle of Wight for his first Christmas (My MIL's) . It was bliss. Grandma was there to give cuddles, I had a proper bubble bath, and we had a brief pop-out to meet up with some friends.

PFB was 4(!) weeks late so I wasn't as recovered as I'd expected to be, but it was still a very do-able thing.

Your DP isn't threatening to take your baby away from you. He's offering to take his baby to see its grandparents while you have a rest.

I don't think either of you have covered yourselves in glory over this, but while he was unreasonable to swear at you, I think your pre-birth hormones and exhaustion are making you unreasonable too.

My MIL is a social worker and one of the most kind, practical and sensible people I've ever met.

OP, I get how you feel. At this stage of pregnancy you can feel anxious about making plans. Some of these posters are being a little unsympathetic. I remember refusing to make solid plans with people visiting until she was born - I didn't know how I'd feel, I didn't know how the birth would go, and I didn't know how breastfeeding would go. I also wanted the make sure we had family time where it was just us. Once I'd got through the first few days of newborn haze, I felt better and it was easier to make plans with people but on my terms because I'd had the baby, I was nursing and I was tired. Thankfully, my OH and family supported that.
This is your first baby, you're bound to feel like this, so don't worry, it doesn't last forever.
Speak to your MiL and make some loose plans - that way you're in control whilst you're feeling like this and everyone else is happy. Good luck! X

And his worries about me dying have freaked me out!

YABVU and very selfish.

It's not just your baby yet you've already said he can't take the baby alone, dictated where you will spend Christmas, that your family will be involved from the start and his only when you deem to allow a visit some months later.

The swearing was not good but good on him for not letting you exclude his family or dictating what will happen.

Normally I'm very 'pah' about the idea that a mum and a baby can't be separated but in this case, YADNBU. 4 weeks is far too early to separate mum from baby when the mum is distressed by the idea of it and it would be for a good few hours. I think he owes you an apology.

I've made some arrangements to see friends and my mum will be around a bit during the week. To be honest I'm really pleased that I will have so much support over Christmas and NY and I'd kind of latched on to that we weren't going back anywhere and I could just relax until early Jan. Self indulgent, I know.

If your Mil is understanding and considerate, you might be better off speaking with her about possible options yourself - she is more likely to have an idea about what life with a newborn can be like -though as the responses show, it's different for everyone- and she might have other suggestions to think about.

I'd keep all plans slightly loose based on when baby actually arrives, but ensure both sets of grandparents were planning to visit in the first week or two. Then you can just stay in contact about the next visit. It is a day visit to your IL's so I would do it when DH suggests, I personally would want to show my baby to the family.

FWIW, when DD was a month we travelled 2-3 hours away to visit MIL and stay.
Remember they're portable and sleep a lot when really tiny.

I'd ask for an apology for being sworn at but i'd also apologise for not making a better plan for visiting his family- I'm pretty sure you would find it unreasonable to have a baby end Nov(ish) and not let your parents see him/her until next year. So I can see why he would take the baby visiting himself.

That's true Inertia - her daughter had a baby not long ago and I'm sure she'll be understanding.

He doesn't sounds very kind, with the swearing, the gas lighting and name calling .

Is also be upset if someone threatened to take my baby away. Though I notice all the " it's his right " posters havenot suggested how this " I know my rights " man is going to lactate for the duration of the visit. Or perhaps the few weeks old baby is just going to starve for the 3 hours round trio and the ? 2 hour visit .

If they come to visit you , just remember that they are his family and he needs to be allowed to play host for them . It's obviously very important to him that they get to see their GC so he needs to be completely responsible for everything .

So it's his job to clean the house, prepare food and serve them and clean up afterwards not yours. You will be busy feeding the baby and recovering from the birth.

I think some people are massively over reacting to this. A married couple have an argument, one of them tells the other to 'fuck off', immediately apologises and someone says 'he's behaving like a prick'. No he's not, he's behaving like an angry person.

I don't often swear, but sometimes when I am angry I do. That is what swearing is for, to express extremes of emotion. I would never swear at a child or someone vulnerable but I have very, very occasionally sworn at my DH.

The fact that OPs husband doesn't normally swear indicates that he feels very strongly about this matter and I think he is right to care strongly about it. My DDs are grown up now and if I am ever lucky enough to have grandchildren I would be devastated if I had to wait until they were 3-4 weeks old to meet them. And as a new mum I would have been very hurt if my in laws had waited that long to see my DDs.

OP - try not to worry too much about the row. Couples argue and say things they regret sometimes. It doesn't mean that DH is going to become an abuser (OBVIOUSLY if it was a constant barrage of swearing and name calling, that would be different). Having a baby is exciting but also scary for both of you so it is not surprising emotions are running high.

And try not to worry too much about the Christmas thing. If you are feeling well and capable, a 90 minute drive is quite doable. You might even be desperate to get out of the house and show your new baby off. If you have a baby that msleeps well in the car it might be a chance for some peace and quiet! If you are feeling less can-do, the two of you will work out another plan - together.

This will be a wonderful Christmas for you, DH and the new baby (DV) but it will almost certainly not be what you are expecting. Life with a newbie never is so don't borrow trouble by arguing about what may or may not happen in 10 weeks time. Make a loose plan that the two of you can agree on and prepare to be flexible.

I forgot to say, manybe he should prepare some easy meals now and put them in the freezer, just so he's organised after the birth .

Altiara thank you - that's a sensible plan.