Visiting his family after birth AI really BU!???

[mum2Bomg]

DD is due on 29th November - our first baby. DH and I agreed to spend Christmas and New Year at home, close to my family and this was really reassuring. We decided together (I thought) that we would work out the right time to visit people/allow visitors). DH has now gone off on one, starting with stating that we will visit his family 'between Christmas and New Year' which makes no sense considering the last conversation we had. When I questioned this he implied that we had agreed this as otherwise when will HIS family get to see her!? I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and made that clear. He then said, 'Well, I'll take her on my own.'

Last night I tried to explain my confusion and ask why we would visit between Christmas and New Year when we had already decided to be at home, effectively meaning we would be visiting them even earlier than new year. Things got a bit heated and he told me to fuck off. He immediately apologised and said he shouldn't have said that. But AIBU in thinking he has actually:

1. Already started making me feel guilty about his parents not seeing her and she isn't even due until 29th November
2. Has threatened to take our new baby away without me (this has upset me A LOT!)
3. Sworn at me when I questioned our arrangements

I'm really upset by this and don't know what to do next. In laws live about an hour and a half away from us. I adore them but I have no idea how I will be feeling and this feels like HUGE pressure to commit to visiting now. I'm reeling!

I would say that maybe your DP is feeling pushed out already as you make plans to see your parents but not his ...

Your dh is a complete idiot.

He should be thinking about you and his new born and not clamouring to take her on a 1.5 hour journey to see his parents, who could just visit you.

He's in for a short sharp shock when your DD arrives let me tell you...

Make plans for his family to meet your daughter. Whether they come to you or you go to them. He perhaps just wants a bit of reassurance that they are going to get to see her. Its his first child - he will want to show her off. You will cope travelling in the car with a newborn, Just sit in the back and make regular pitstops. Do you think he said he'd take her on his own because he was feeling like you wouldn't and he was being petulant? At the end of the day, if you are breastfeeding he cant take her anywhere without you can he. Calm down and talk to your husband, because, in the nicest way, you are both being ridiculous.

He is being a nob to swear at you but is probably frustrated.

YABU to think you can't go and visit them a month after baby arrives. We flew to see dh's family with a four week old baby and three others under 8!!

They could come and see you for the day surely? Or stay in a hotel nearby?? Again, that is what dh's family do.

He won't be able to take a baby that you g without you but he will probably realise that when baby arrives.

I was assuming breastfeeding, forgive me. But even without that I wouldn't be happy to be apart from baby at a few weeks old. It had nothing to do with not trusting the caregiver and everything to do with baby's distress.

I'm so sorry, you are being utterly practical not planning this visit.

My first baby was 16 days overdue. I was induced, laboured for 28 hours and then ended up with a emcs. Huge blood loss, retained material complications and subsequently 7 days in hospital. I also came home with an infected scar. I also developed PND...my daughter was 3 weeks old by the time I left the house for the first time and that was a short walk to the local park. I managed an hour.

I'm not saying any of the above would apply to you but if it does you'll barely be the other side of it by Xmas.

You are right to put all trips on hold until you know how you feel.

Your DH is being an arse. Where that is coming from only time will tell. Yelling, lying and threatening you is Not On.

Chances are you will be bleeding, sore, absolutely knackered and at the stage where you'll need to pack 4 changes of clothes for the baby plus two for you, 10 nappies, an entire pack of wipes, nipple cream and 20 breast pads and of course a bouncy chair and all sorts of other crap that will suddenly be important for that first day trip. Now, that still might be preferable to having 20 of your closest relatives in your house - but what is the jeffing point in deciding it all now and setting it in stone before you've even had the baby?

Does he really think his parents won't head over to see you as soon as possible? Or is that it - he's worried no one will bother and he'll feel unloved by his family? Or he's just being a twat

Some people have clearly forgotten the late stages of pregnancy and the early days of having a baby. I'm fairly certain that I was less than reasonable in the run up to birth and just after having DD.

My birth was fine, but I had an infection 10 days after giving birth which put me back in hospital on IV antibiotics. DH offered to take the baby home and give her formula and if I hadn't been on a drip at the time I think I'd have removed a limb from him.

And there is no way I was in a fit state to travel 1.5 hours 2 weeks after the birth.

A friend of mine was absolutely fine, had a great birth but didn't leave the house for weeks.

Another had a horrible time and was travelling around the country after 5 days.

We are all different, it is completely up to the OP as she is the one who is growing the person, pushing her out of her vagina and (possibly) feeding her from her own body.

OP, speak to your MIL, she sounds fab. Tell her you are exited about her meeting the baby but don't want to plan a big visit in so could you pencil a date in for her and FIL to come visit.

visiting in hospital is quite good as the midwives chuck them out after a bit! also they are not in your home so no pressure to tidy. you do not have to travel with an undercarriage that is torn to shreds/bruised/stictched/stretched or after a big operation.

this way they get to see baby when very little and can wait a bit while you adjust at home to the new little one.

while you are both parents of baby, it is you that will have had the op/given birth and you dealing with the hormones and you dealing with the after effects of giving birth one way or another. sometimes it is easier to have your parent' s round than more distant inlaws when you are not feeling so well.

experiences are different. baby one: in bed for a month after post partum haemorrhage and continued bleeding and infected stitches.

baby two backto toddler group before he was a week old.

I had a section 12 weeks ago. I went to a festival 4 weeks pp 4 hour drive away! We was fine and so was baby. I actually enjoyed showing her off 😂🙊

Of course you can drive 1.5 hours when your baby will be a month old

When DD was a month old I was still surviving on 2-3 hrs sleep a night, with DH not getting much more (and having to work). No way would we have driven anywhere for 1.5 hours.

I would also be concerned about the baby being in a car seat for so long, particularly if there were traffic issues and/or a return journey that same day.

I haven't forgotten what having many new babies was like. Of course some women have an easier time than others, however, there is a great tendency on here to disable women post partum. Most women are ok and can function well after birth.
My advice to the op would be to see how you feel. If the birth was without complications and you don't have ongoing post partum issues/ or issues with your newborn then there is no reason why you can't travel.

Fuck me no way on this earth would I be separated from either of my girls after a few weeks, a few months would be bad enough but weeks ... just no. EBF both and with the first I think i was generally either attached to the baby, the pump, of both for at least the first month both fed pretty much every 3 hours round the clock till 6 months (the first was more like every 2 hours for the first 8 weeks or so).

Amazed how many posters are saying 'parents are equal' blah blah - I'm sorry but for the '4th trimester' that baby really really needs it's mum.

We travelled to see great grandparents (in laws) when the first baby was 3 weeks old I think, 45 mins each way, she slept most of the way there but sobbed her heart out most of the way home...it was awful but I am so glad we went as great grandmother passed a couple of weeks later.

An hour and a half is doable, but go together, (NOT him alone with the baby, that's heartbreaking for both you and baby IMO) and plan to stop and feed half way if necessary, and bear in mind evenings might involve cluster feeding if you are breastfeeding - so don't travel after 6pm!

But saying all that, the shouting and swearing at you, laying down the law type approach would be seriously ringing alarm bells - hope you have real life support nearby

Hatade16, but you actually wanted to go? The op is being told to go or he will take the baby. I think it's different.

Glad you are doing so well though, I have a 3 month old too and am still not back to myself 100% yet but am getting there.

Agree with Rainbow Unicorn. We have to travel an hour to the local hospital. I managed to get back in one piece after a c section with the added complication of an ileostomy. Please don't come on and say bully for you. My health issues are chronic and real.I really find it hard to believe women couldn't travel for 90 minutes.

Not read the full thread.

Yanbu.

From reading your OP I didn't get the impression that you were refusing to let dh 's parents meet the baby, so I was surprised so many people were saying that. I thought you were saying you had both agreed to be at home over Xmas and New Years but that you were expecting to introduce baby to them before that?

Anyway, I think it's wise not to commit to firm plans to visit anyone so soon after birth. You just don't know how things will be - baby might be late, you may be struggling physically, emotionally, be sleep deprived, recovering from a section.... all sorts of possibilities.

Much better to plan to stay at home with options of seeing people after or letting them visit.

And I would have been beside myself if dh had taken our dd off for the day at that age. I trust him to meet her needs 100% but I would have felt lost and upset without her.

He definitely should not have sworn at you but I can totally understand his frustration - the baby is just as much his as yours, and his family are just as closely related to the baby as your family are. It seems unreasonable and actually a bit cruel to not allow your DH to introduce his first child to his own parents for over a month?? I'm actually quite outraged on behalf of your DH. Take a step back and think how you would feel if the situation was reversed.

ive got 2 kids so totally understand pregnancy hormones, 1st baby anxieties... but yabu.
The baby will prob be 3 weeks old by then... his first baby girl he will be bursting to share her with his loved ones.
he has handled it badly and been a bit of an ass hole, but please forgive - life is too freaking short for this shit. the more laid back you are the more you will enjoy your baby. good luck mamma xx

dd travelled really badly. she howled and wailed. she needed feeding and changing on a journey of 1 hr 10 mins, except with dd it would take way longer than that. we had to stop for 45 minutes at a time to feed wind and nappy, and that was after feeding winding and nappying just before we left.we rarely did the journey without having to stop.

she fed up to 20 times a day at first, lots of cluster feeding, lots of poorly tummy aches and a bad reaction to the antibiotics i was taking.

ds on the other hand... completely different

I've not read the whole thread.

Sorry you got spoken to like that, sounds undermining. Sound like a communication mix up too.

You don't know how you will feel as it's your first, but with a 4 week old you will probably feel fine to do a 3 hour round trip.
We flew to Scotland when our eldest dd was 6 weeks old, and I don't have loads of energy, and am not over adventurous.
Tiny babies are immensely portable, especially of you are able to bf. Just take your nappies, spare clothes and a sling.

Hope you manage to work it out OK

Yanbu, makes perfect sense to wait and see how you feel. Comments about how 1.5 hours is no problem etc are crap because it may well be but it also may not, all births and babies are different. He really is asshole for shouting at you, hopefully just a one off. Also I would be telling him straight up there is no way he is taking a 4 week baby away for the day without you (unless you want him to). Good luck, I'm sure everything will be great and hopefully you will enjoy the Christmas period but don't let anyone tell you that you are unreasonable for not being ready to plan things that are going to happen a couple of weeks after your first baby is born!

After ds was born practically everyone I know visited us. It was lovely. I am lp but my mum stayed over for the first few nights & dsis & 2 best mates were round a bit too. First weekend at home the calls &txts started & everyone came. Not for too long - all made cups of tea & washed up etc. I would have expected gp's either to visit in hospital or as soon as you were home. I think it's pretty unrealistic not to expect them to want to see dd straight away even if Judy for a short visit. Agree with pp's though - they can visit you until you can face the trip. With 2 of you unless you're poorly though you should be fine quite soon & esp within a month and going to visit is great as they might feed you & your house will still be the same when you get back ( no washing up etc!) good luck xx

Haven't read whole thread.

YABU IF you get along with DP's family... If there are no issues there and they treat you well, they are more than entitled to see the baby 4 weeks after birth. Especially at Christmas! I would feel very unfair to them... If you aren't feeling up to it, trust him to take her alone.

If you don't get along with them, then I understand your hesitation and say do it on your own terms!

Goodness, you are having a baby, this is something to share with the whole family on both sides, I can't imagine 4-6 weeks before his family are able to meet baby that's insane.
As for how hard it's going to be, it really isn't, I moved countries when my DS was 5wks old, and I was the one to organise everything AND do all the packing for the house while my DH was working.
I'm not surprised he is cross about this, his family should be welcome to visit assuming no complications within days of you arriving home.

YANBU to be hurt by your dh's comment about taking baby without you. baby has been in your body for 9 months, she will need you close by. And he should not have sworn. But you are being unreasonable not wanting/allowing him to show your new daughter off to his family IMHO.

My dd was born around the same time of year as your baby is due, we visited relatives approximately an hour and a bit away. It was fine. BUT ....

He should not have 'threatened' to take the baby away without you, that is not on. Anyone who does not understand that is missing the point. Yes, it is his baby too, but at the moment the baby is inside your body and making plans to take the baby any where without you must be massively upsetting and insensitive.

He should not have sworn at you.

I would suggest that you make plans for the baby's family to visit sooner rather than later but for a shorter time. Tea and biscuits (hubby on tea duty) rather than massive Christmas meal! Could they come to you?

Could they come and meet baby at the hospital? The first day dd was born and we have a gorgeous photo of grandma with her. They are at least an hour and a half away and were happy to drive to meet her.

Is there any reason they cannot drive to meet her?

I actually feel meeting baby in the hospital is quite special and also for the new mum it is much easier. No need to make cups of tea or even throw people out when it all gets too much as the nurses should limit visitors' stays. But I know not all people can visit hospitals or feel comfortable there; not all new mums (and dads) want visitors there.

Hopefully, your husband can see that you were very upset by all this but hopefully you can see he is just as keen for his family to meet your new daughter as you are.

You may even feel after baby is here that you look forward to showing her off to family and hopefully being treated to a nice meal. Your DH can drive really carefully and really slowly to your destination and you and dd can sleep! Take a CD of lullabies in the car to ensure that happens!

Good luck. And congratulations. It is a magical but also overwhelming time and your hormones are all over the place. Be nice to each other at this special time.